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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset with DD?

147 replies

EndlessInanity · 10/08/2013 19:39

Backstory: DD is 24. She went to a grammar school and got good results at GCSE and A Level, although not what we hoped. There was an incident in her year 12 where her good friend / boyfriend allegedly raped her, and she struggled for a bit to continue academically. I say allegedly because I am unclear on the details and she did talk to him for a while afterwards. She got AABB, but we hoped for more. One of the As was in a subject she had natural talent in, and completed the entire A Level in one year.

We wanted her to go to university to study that subject, but she didn't want to go. She time after sixth form working in various temp jobs, but spent most of her money on going out. She decided during this time to start university. The summer before uni, she fell pregnant with a man she'd been seeing for only a few months (though she had known him longer) and decided to keep the baby. She started university whilst pregnant. Long story short, she had a very difficult pregnancy (health & relationship) and had to repeat that year of uni. Her relationship (now marriage) broke down due to some bad behaviour on his part and they divorced. DD became depressed and left uni to return home (she was a couple of hours away).

She got a new place at a more local uni & transferred, because we knew that the most important thing was for her to get her degree. She should have just finished her second year, but has told us that she won't be continuing as she has decided that she wants to pursue work in a different field, has started volunteering to get experience in that field (financially supported by her new partner) and apparently 'can't face uni'. Apparently trying to complete under the 'pressure' has made her mentally ill. I knew she'd been on antidepressants, but I don't think she's depressed. Probably more likely just tired. So close to the end, it seems such a waste. DH and I have supported her financially through her time at university, as we agreed at the start, so feel we have made an investment too. She says she will pay us back when she can, and that isn't really the issue. I'm just so disappointed in her.

OP posts:
ChippingInHopHopHop · 10/08/2013 19:53

Are you getting the message yet?

You are one of the parents from the Stately Homes threads.

Featherbag · 10/08/2013 19:53

"The most important thing is she gets her degree."

Really? WTF?! For my kids, the most important thing is that they're HAPPY. If I ever sound like you do when talking about one of my children I sincerely hope there's someone around who cares enough to slap me, because I'm sure as shit DH would've divorced me a while back!

pianodoodle · 10/08/2013 19:53

Wow. YABU and I wouldn't be surprised if your attitude has contributed to the decline in her mental health.

You are her mother.

Mine would be trying to help and proud of me whatever my choices.

namechangeforthispost864269 · 10/08/2013 19:53

Yikes yabvu

Sounds to me like you are pretty controlling you want your daughter to follow YOUR dreams for her not HER dreams for her.

She is still young from the sounds of things let her be so she can figure out who she is and what she wants to do with her life.

Do force her to be something and someone she isn't

banterbus · 10/08/2013 19:53

Yabu

DevonCiderPunk · 10/08/2013 19:53

You and your DH are upset because you "feel you have made an investment" in your daughter?

That says it all, I think.

Fairylea · 10/08/2013 19:54

Yabu and cruel.

And you do realise having a degree in today's job market isn't going to make a huge amount of difference?? Graduates are one of the highest unemployed groups at the moment. My sil has a first in a very academic subject and has ended up unemployed. Not for want of trying!

My life story is very much like your dds. I got a scholarship to a top private school, completely paid up etc. Predicted oxford or Cambridge. Top a level results. Got offered 6 university places including oxford and turned them all down. I didn't want any more stress. I'd had enough.

I had a good career in marketing in London just working my way up and I am now a sahm the happiest I have been, with a dh earning minimum wage and our two dcs.

You need to stop being so judgemental. It's horrible.

OhMowGod · 10/08/2013 19:54

You sound terrible.

"Allegedly raped." So you might not believe her?

"Shes on anti depressants but shes probably not depressed just tired."

She feels ill from the pressure of uni, have you thought that you are most of that pressure.

My mum isnt faultless but thank God she is supportive and doesnt judge me or my decisions and if I told her I was raped she would believe me 100% and not doubt me for a second.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 10/08/2013 19:54

Its her life.
All I hear is what you want.
Go to/back to uni yourself if you want. Your life is yours to lead.
Your role in her life is to support or at least accept her choices.
It must be very stressful for her to live up to your expectations.

Eyesunderarock · 10/08/2013 19:54

I think it is a reverse AIBU, and although I hate them, OP it's important that you and your child have a happy life, whether it's what your mother wanted or not. There are more important things than achieving a First, like being sane enough to stay alive and focus on what is important to you.
You are an adult. Your parents supported you through Uni, but just like the Stock Market, some investments don't give you the return you wanted, and that's tough luck.
You have a child and a partner, and a way forwards out of the depression and fear and anxiety that have haunted you. Take it and let your mother strew in her own bile and venom.
I truly hope that you have a relative or two who support you, or friends.

catgirl1976 · 10/08/2013 19:55

Tell them

"I am an adult. I am making my own decisions. I have been through some very difficult experiences and you should be proud of me regardless. "

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/08/2013 19:55

We can't control our children like puppets. I find the tone of this thread sad and disturbing. I hope your DD isn't a MNer.

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 10/08/2013 19:55

wtaf? this cant be for real surely Shock

your poor poor daughter. i hope she's getting the support she needs from somewhere else... she's certainly not going to get any from her mother Angry Sad

littlemisswise · 10/08/2013 19:55

YABVVVVVVVVU. Your poor DD.

Uni isn't the be all and end all of life. It's a shame so many DC are forced into it when they aren't cut out for it IMHO.

As for "allegedly raped"Shock dear me!

ChippingInHopHopHop · 10/08/2013 19:55

Well, that's a relief of sorts!

How long would it take for you to finish your degree?

Fairylea · 10/08/2013 19:55

Cross posted with later replies.

Your mum is awful. So is mine.

MamaChubbyLegs · 10/08/2013 19:56

She said she was raped and you don't believe her.
She said she is depressed and you don't believe her.

Oh my god.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 10/08/2013 19:56

It is a reverse AIBU - OP just wrote a post stating as such.

YouTheCat · 10/08/2013 19:56

I am kind of glad this is a reverse AIBU. Though I think we'd have to hear the mother's side for balance.

Eyesunderarock · 10/08/2013 19:56

Hurrah!
So now you know that it is your parents who are wrong, I hope it gives you strength to have other opinions.

DevonCiderPunk · 10/08/2013 19:56

Oh it's a reverse AIBU. I'm new to these... not sure what to make of it now TBH.

inallmydays · 10/08/2013 19:56

jesus you sound a complete control freak , its her life not yours , try doing something with yours and butt the hell out of hers .

Fraggle3112 · 10/08/2013 19:56

I had to read this twice because I thought I must have read it wrong. I couldn't believe anyone would refer to a sexual attack on their own daughter as 'alleged'.

YABU and it sounds like your daughter has had an awful time and is trying to get her life back on track and find a career in something she enjoys. It sounds like her partner supports this, thank goodness, because she needs someone on her side when her own mother clearly isn't!!

DevonCiderPunk · 10/08/2013 19:57

Oh it's a reverse AIBU. I'm new to these... not sure what to make of it now TBH.

Alisvolatpropiis · 10/08/2013 19:57

I am glad this is a reverse.

OP your mother is an utter horror. As is your father by the sounds of it.

If you want these people to remain in your life, you're going to have to practice letting their fucking ridiculous attitude wash over you. Because they are 100% in the wrong here. Please don't let them guilt trip you. They are the ones who should feel guilty for being woefully inadequate parents.