To want to know why rape is so common?

[AnneNonimous]

And want to understand why it happens?

I have been raped twice, once as a 14 year old and once as a 20 year old. I'd say 99% of the women I know have been raped at some point in their lives too. Growing up I almost accepted it as some kind of right of passage. It was just something that happened to women.

I was discussing this with a good friend of mine recently. She has been raped before and said she thinks its something all men have in them. She revealed to me that her husband had told her when he stayed the night at a female friends house recently he had imagined raping her.

I don't believe her, or don't want to believe her at least. I must admit my faith in men is extremely sparse and my life experiences have probably left me bitter but I do have a dad and a brother and I wouldn't want to believe they could ever be capable of being a rapist. I am disturbed by what my friend has told me about her husband and have never liked him but also know there won't be much I could tell her to make her see this.

But the fact still remains that it's very very common. If not rape then some kind of sexual abuse/assault. Aibu to want to understand why this is?

I agree with those who say that I am surprised to hear that this is thought of as common. I too have never come across this but I am so sorry for those of you that have suffered.

I sincerely hope that not all men have this in them and agree with melonbreath, my Dad, DH and DS would all be insulted at the suggestion.

timid if you read the thread people explain why you wouldn't necessarily know. Even those of who have been slagging off rapists are confident that all men don't have it in them. Just enough sadly to ruin the lives of a lot of victims.

Sorry, I'm sure the thread has moved on, but I wonder whether the OP's friends' husband said something like he wanted to have sex with his female friend, and the OP interpreted it as him wanting to rape her? Because if my OH expressed a wish to rape someone he wouldn't see me for dust!

I have been sexually assaulted - by a stranger, in relationships, even at school, and the other night I was having drinks with a group of women I know, and they all admitted to having been raped or sexually assaulted. We'd never talked about it before, it shocked me that it had happened to all of them.

I would be surprised to hear that any woman over 30 has not been at least sexually assaulted in her life. It just happens so often.

God, this makes me so sad and very scared for my daughters

I always wonder why people take it so personally when these subjects come up.

Nobody said your husband/brother/son/best friend is a rapist. You're the only ones who brought that up.

But somebody out there sure as hell is raping women. If it's not your husband/brother/son/friend its someone else's. And we do a disservice to rape and sexual assault victims by staying quiet about it just in case someone utterly unconnected to it in anyway gets offended.

I've shared this before but I'll say it again as I think it's relevant here, though last time the jury was very divided as to whether my analogy held true.

I see gender inequality, of which rape is a product, as not actually being borne of gender itself, ie, men aren't genetically disposed towards being sexists pricks. It's a product of being human. Men are taught to be that way, and it has nothing to do with them being born with a penis, just the society in which they were born. And they happen to be the ones being born into the position of privilege.

I grew up as a white child in apartheid South Africa. We were raised in a racist society. We were actively taught, by media, society, our families, to be racist, to see black people as "lesser" and to expect them to service our needs. Not sexually, of course, but in various other demeaning ways like being house-maids working 12 hour days, 7 days a week for a pittance, and not being allowed to use the crockery in the house because they were "dirty". It was awful, it was appalling, but it was also just normal life. To us and to them.

Only once things changed, when revolution came and we had to change, when I travelled and saw how things were in the rest of the world, did we realise how utterly appalling things had been. I was the one in the position of privilege at that time, as men are now. I abused it, as men do now, because I was never taught differently. I'm deeply ashamed now, but that's how it was.

White South Africans weren't terrible people. They were otherwise lovely folk who would give you the clothes off their backs. As long as you were white. They were just a product of the deeply flawed society in which they lived. Now it's unimaginable that we lived that way. How could we not have seen how wrong it was? And I hope one day we'll look back on our current sexist society the same way, with deep horror and revulsion that we once accepted such blatant, obvious and damaging sexism as normal.

Men rape because our society teaches that women are "lesser". There to serve men sexually and be subservient domestically, to quietly tolerate abuse and just be grateful that they get anything at all.

It's not because they're men. It's because they're human and as a group, humans do terrible things to those they perceive as "lesser".

Amazing last two posts.

One more thing before I go to bed. Someone raised the concern that opinions on this thread might be skewed by there being more posts from women who have been raped/assaulted and give an unfair impression that it's more common than it really is.

So I want to say that I am lucky enough to have never been assaulted beyond a breast-grope by a drunken colleague (and was told to ignore it because "he was drunk and didn't know what he was doing" - SA in the early 90s was sexist as well as racist!). None of my friends have ever confided in me that they have been raped, apart from one friend alluding to it once when we were totally pissed on holiday in Greece.

But I know what the statistics are. So I'm aware that a vast number of my friends and family members have probably been assaulted, and it's awful that we're made to feel ashamed to speak out about it. There isn't another single crime that the victims are made to feel ashamed of having been a victim. That in and of itself says all you need to know about how much of a rape culture we live in.

It's not because they're men. It's because they're human and as a group, humans do terrible things to those they perceive as "lesser".

I agree vehemently with this.

I'm ever so glad I started this thread. I feel I've learnt so much from it.

Thank you to those of you that have posted such thought provoking wonderful posts.

Thank you too OP. Lurking but unable to contribute at this time.

I would be surprised to hear that any woman over 30 has not been at least sexually assaulted in her life. It just happens so often.

I've been sexually assaulted by a 'family friend' at 13 - assaulted by a group of men on a train at 16 - groped by a 'friend' in my sleep and raped twice - my advice to my daughters would be - Say something - I didn't because I thought no one would believe me or tell me it was my own fault for being on a train on my own (in the afternoon!) shouldn't have agreed to dance with someone who took that as an invitation to shove his finger up inside me.

We need to speak out more about the abuse women and young girls have to endure and we shouldn't belittle women's experiences just because they don't tally with other's experiences.

Mrs Bonkers, LittleTyga. I believe you.

I would be surprised to hear that any woman over 30 has not been at least sexually assaulted in her life. It just happens so often.

I'm over 30. I never have been assaulted (touch wood) in any shape or form, and have lovely male friends who would never ever think of doing such a thing. So this kind of thread makes me sad.
Although I do think MN gives a skewed concept of what is normal sometimes, as obviously the people who ARE more likely to have been assaulted are more likely to post on this type of thread.

I'm also over 30 and have never been sexually assaulted in any way.

Although I do think MN gives a skewed concept of what is normal sometimes, as obviously the people who ARE more likely to have been assaulted are more likely to post on this type of thread.

I don't agree - I read the title and thought 'Yes that's right.....' I could have thought 'No....I disgaree' and posted that - I think that because the majority of posters who have shared their experiences is representative of the abuse women and girls face daily.

Lucky you. Can I ask why you posted this fact? Do you have any secrets to share with us who have been assaulted since we were were children or are you just very unattractive or powerful?

A lot of sex assault victims would find a thread like this triggering and stay away. Had I been in a different mood I would definitely have avoided it.

Unattractive or powerful is ironic btw, as if that stops women being assaulted #rapemyths

I've name changed for this post because it's discussing someone else's life. My DM was raped by a date 40 years ago. She has also been sexually assaulted, once than once. I have been sexually assaulted, more than once. She was talking to me recently about a family member who said that she had never been sexually assaulted in any way. We were amazed. Then we thought about it and the only explanations are these two.

1. She has been and didn't identify it as such.
2. My DM and I are both blonde and have large breasts. I don't think this is more attractive BTW. My family member is dark haired and small breasted. I think that some men make massive assumptions about women who look the way we are naturally. Our culture has taught them that blonde, large-breasted women are easy, stupid, worthless and can be assaulted. If you think about the messages about women who look like us, well you can see why I spent 30 years being shouted at in the street, arse pinched, touched up on tubes, rubbed against, assaulted in the street as a young teen by a group of older boys/men.

There are some wonderful men. I wish I could thank the lovely bloke who helped me in London when I was screaming bloody murder at the man who had just whispered something foul in my ear. He could have been forgiven for leaving well alone since I was doing a fair impression of a very disturbed person. He stopped and asked if I needed the Police or some help instead. We should tell the good stories as well.

Its quite interesting that a few of you have delved into a break down of offences covered by the sexual offences act.

Perhaps it may be a good idea to,instead of using the more normal and universally understood words "sexual assault" stop and change them for the less usual and less understood phrase "criminal offence under the sexual offences act"

I know most people will not get what you mean,the term is very very general,you may have to go into more uncomfortable explanations it will probably distress you others still won't have a clue what your talking about,

But it will keep the utter gits happy, especially the type who end sentences with the word FACT.

neil I don't think hair colour has anything to do with your chances of being raped or sexually assaulted. You're first suggestion is possible. I think any woman who has never been sexually assaulted is just incredibly lucky. There's no special formula to avoid assault.

I am 29 and have never been sexually assaulted or pressured in to sex.

grumpy, I don't know, I think neil may have a point.

I am dark haired and small breasted, and as I mentioned before have never been sexually assaulted (even if being wanked at is a sexual crime, it isn't assault). Most of my family are dark haired and small breasted, except for one sister who is large breasted and fair.

She broke up with a boyfriend because he kept trying to pressurise her into things she was uncomfortable doing, although fortunately she says he never did force her into anything.

Whenever we are out together, myself and my other small dark haired, small breasted sister get very little attention from men, whereas my fair, larger breasted sister gets a lot more attention from men. I very rarely get unwanted comments from men, the only exception being when I am abroad in other countries.

I don't know if this is is because men in other countries with different cultures treat all women as sexual objects, or because the way I look is seen differently in other countries. Perhaps society's conditioning and messages about how to treat women does go as deep as how a woman looks, even to the extent that different countries and cultures have different assumptions about how a woman looks and what it says about her?

I reckon it's common because men do not think of the long term consequences when they are horny. Or they lack empathy and act impulsively.