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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to know why rape is so common?

352 replies

AnneNonimous · 09/08/2013 15:00

And want to understand why it happens?

I have been raped twice, once as a 14 year old and once as a 20 year old. I'd say 99% of the women I know have been raped at some point in their lives too. Growing up I almost accepted it as some kind of right of passage. It was just something that happened to women.

I was discussing this with a good friend of mine recently. She has been raped before and said she thinks its something all men have in them. She revealed to me that her husband had told her when he stayed the night at a female friends house recently he had imagined raping her.

I don't believe her, or don't want to believe her at least. I must admit my faith in men is extremely sparse and my life experiences have probably left me bitter but I do have a dad and a brother and I wouldn't want to believe they could ever be capable of being a rapist. I am disturbed by what my friend has told me about her husband and have never liked him but also know there won't be much I could tell her to make her see this.

But the fact still remains that it's very very common. If not rape then some kind of sexual abuse/assault. Aibu to want to understand why this is?

OP posts:
neriberi · 09/08/2013 15:29

@becool, thank you for posting those stats, I'm really sorry for what you went through.

I have a DS also and determined to bring him up to respect, cherish and love his peers.

peteypiranha · 09/08/2013 15:30

I have never known anyone that has been raped as far as I am aware. I wouldnt say it was that common at all. I have slept in beds with all my male friends in my younger days at parties with a few of us in together. None of them ever tried anything.

I would walk home at any time of day or night alone and have never once felt scared or threatened, as I never thought anything would happen. All the women I know are like this.

BeCool · 09/08/2013 15:31

I've just taken a look at the BBC news website. I've found one story re rape - reporting on a woman convicted of false claims of rape.

I just don't see a 24/7 bombardment about rape in the news - where is it? And what is wrong with reporting rape crimes anyway? Do you think they are reporting about made up crimes?

Clearly I am failing to see you point at all. Any evidence to support?

TheSmallPrint · 09/08/2013 15:31

everyday sexism website is quite good at making us realise how much women put up with on a daily basis.

Original poster
AnneNonimous · 09/08/2013 15:31

smallprint I remember that thread too, really stuck in my mind.

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 09/08/2013 15:33

I think 'it hasn't happened to me' doesn't make it uncommon.
I think 'it hasn't happened to my friends' doesn't make it uncommon either.

Rape and sexual assault is common. PPs have posted the stats. It's common. 230 cases a day is common - and the stats are very much based on under-reported figures too.

However, I absolutely 100% don't believe every man has it in them to be a rapist. There are good men in the world.

KirjavaTheCat · 09/08/2013 15:36

Rape was 'seen in society' as something that happened in a dark alley by a strange with a knife.

I think that's it. Cases where a woman is attacked at night at knifepoint by a stranger are undoubtedly more rare than other rapes. I think when people say that rape is rare, they're thinking of this. Misinformed and very naive.

LittleWhiteWolf · 09/08/2013 15:37

I certainly think that sexual assaults are common, at least that's my experience of it. I think a lot of rapes that happen aren't considered to be rapes by the rapist or the victim, which can skew things. As for those who claim so certainly that no-one they know has ever been raped or assaulted...I find that hard to believe. But then our reality is what we perceive: I've been sexually assaulted 3 times therefore to me sexual assault is common. A few years ago I would have said I'd been assaulted once, but through learning more about sexual assault I now know there are in fact 3 cases in my history alone (all before age 19).

I don't believe that all men are capable of it. There are lots of factors in the decisions behind rapes and the fact that we live in a society where victim blaming happens so, so much is largely to blame. Look at the news over the past week for a snapshot of rapes and how they are treated. Is it any wonder that a) women, men and children are not coming forward after an attack, b) that rapists are getting away with it, many probably not even realising that what they did would constitute rape and c) that there are so many myths surrounding rape that lead to the aforementioned points.

Ultimately I believe that rape is a common occurrence in many places, but that it can and does happen anywhere. In order to change this we will need a massive cultural shift in equality (not just in gender terms but in sexuality and racial terms, too. Total equality from one person to the next essentially) and changes to the law ensuring better safeguards to stop abuse and far better treatment and help for victims. We're starting along that path, but we have a long, long way to go.

OP, I'm so sorry for your experiences Flowers

peteypiranha · 09/08/2013 15:37

There are way more decent men out there than men that will mistreat you op.

WilsonFrickett · 09/08/2013 15:40

When posters say 'I don't know anyone who has been raped' what they mean is As far as I know I don't know anyone who has been raped.

Many, many rape victims don't choose to share it - especially if they have been raped in the context of a relationship, on a date, while they were drunk, if they were in a dodgy part of town, if they had a short skirt on, if they should have got a taxi, etc etc. The only rape its OK to 'own up about' for want of a better word, is raped at knifepoint in an alley. Sad

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/08/2013 15:40

I also think people who say that their friends have not been raped and/or sexually assaulted are naive. I know that several of my friends only told me. Because I was in an associated field they felt 'safe' disclosing. No one else in our friend group would have been aware.

Original poster
AnneNonimous · 09/08/2013 15:41

petey I do hope so, because I haven't met any yet. I still have my faith which I think is thanks to having my dad. I'm not sure what I would think otherwise.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnneNonimous · 09/08/2013 15:44

wilson I know exactly what you mean. Most of my friends only know about the first time I was raped which was the stereotypical random violent stranger in the woods. Because the first friend I told about the second time which was an acquaintance I had let into my home, told me I shouldn't have let him in my house in the first place.

OP posts:
neriberi · 09/08/2013 15:46

after reading back through this thread, I feel like an ignorant muppet. Rape is horrendous crime and its important it's reported, it's horrifying to realise that someone I know and care about has been raped but doesn't feel able to talk about it.

peteypiranha · 09/08/2013 15:48

I do honestly believe there are a lot more decent men, and that the vast majority of men wouldnt sexually abuse or rape.

I was wild when I was younger out clubbing 4/5 nights a week from age 16 and even now regularly am out in very skimpy clothes, walking round alone at 3/4am. I never get a taxi (as I am a cheapskate), and go out drinking frequently, and just walk a couple of miles back with no shoes on. I wouldnt judge any of those things as thats all normal behaviour.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/08/2013 15:49

1 in 3.

WilsonFrickett · 09/08/2013 15:58

Anne I was so sorry to hear your last post. I hope you find some way of getting support in RL, not everyone will react like that. Or even on here (but not on AIBU probably...) Sad

bluesbaby · 09/08/2013 16:00

It happens to a lot of people. :( I've had some not so savoury experiences - I wouldn't actually say I've been raped, although one particular incident the police insisted was attempted rape. I didn't even know at the time they would consider it that.

I think referring to rape as "common" is insensitive, similar due to the terminology. It happens to a lot of people, yes, but to refer to rape as common, almost infers that it is insignificant.

Part of the problem is that rape tends to be stereotyped in the media. Physical assault is almost always by someone you know, not strangers. And if you happen to attract a psycho - like I did - then you're just unlucky.

It's sort of like the whole myth about drowning. You can't see the struggle - it just looks like normal - but when you go under the surface, you just know something isn't right.

dancingwithmyselfandthecat · 09/08/2013 16:33

Statistically, rape is far too common. But most people view things through the prism of their own experience. I have never been raped, and until a couple of years ago would have thought it uncommon. But then a friend was raped by her then husband - the only reason why I know is that I she called me for somewhere to stay. Shehas never reported it and I strongly doubt that she has ever told anyone else. And that has made me realise how little you can assume of others around you, however close you are.

I tried (gently) to encourage her to consider reporting it, but she felt that the situation was against her - she and her H had previously in their relationship watched "rough" porn together and at the time she was very drunk, on prescription meds and was also having an
affair. She has a senior position in a school and her H was friends with teachers and parents and she didn't feel that her position would have been tenable if it had got out. Which says so much which is very sad about how our society views these things.

BeCool · 09/08/2013 16:55

Petey "I was wild when I was younger out clubbing 4/5 nights a week from age 16 and even now regularly am out in very skimpy clothes, walking round alone at 3/4am. I never get a taxi (as I am a cheapskate), and go out drinking frequently, and just walk a couple of miles back with no shoes on."

I could have said all the above about my younger self too. It has nothing to do with rape. When I was raped I was wearing very modest clothes (baggy jeans and a tshirt), in a 'safe' context in the home of friends etc etc.

When I've gone clubbing all night, taken drugs, got drunk and walked home at 5am in a short skirt, I've been absolutely fine.

There are way too many cliches associated with rape, which is why reading about it, seeing it discussed online and elsewhere, challenging attitudes towards it etc is all so very important.

I very much hope our world is changing.

peteypiranha · 09/08/2013 16:58

Thats exactly what I am saying. I will never stop my dds going around in as little clothes as they want. I dont believe in any of that business, and none of the women I know would stop walking home alone or wearing skimpy clothes, and nor should they. I will not curtail my behaviour for anyone.

Thepowerof3 · 09/08/2013 17:06

Rape is about so much more than skimpy clothes

Thepowerof3 · 09/08/2013 17:07

slutmeansspeakup.org.uk/

I love this idea

peteypiranha · 09/08/2013 17:08

That is what I am saying a woman can do what she wants get drunk, wear what she wants, walk alone, do what she wants whenever if she gets raped its 100% the mans fault on any occasion. Why anyone would think differently is beyond me. Its only on here I have heard people say this in rl everyone I know knows there is nothing a woman does that means its ok for a man to rape, sexual abuse or touch you without consent.

Thepowerof3 · 09/08/2013 17:10

You are very right Petey, I worked in the criminal justice system for years and it seemed to only be some very crusty old judges that perpetuated the myth that only scantily clad women get 'what they deserve' its bullshit

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