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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to know why rape is so common?

352 replies

AnneNonimous · 09/08/2013 15:00

And want to understand why it happens?

I have been raped twice, once as a 14 year old and once as a 20 year old. I'd say 99% of the women I know have been raped at some point in their lives too. Growing up I almost accepted it as some kind of right of passage. It was just something that happened to women.

I was discussing this with a good friend of mine recently. She has been raped before and said she thinks its something all men have in them. She revealed to me that her husband had told her when he stayed the night at a female friends house recently he had imagined raping her.

I don't believe her, or don't want to believe her at least. I must admit my faith in men is extremely sparse and my life experiences have probably left me bitter but I do have a dad and a brother and I wouldn't want to believe they could ever be capable of being a rapist. I am disturbed by what my friend has told me about her husband and have never liked him but also know there won't be much I could tell her to make her see this.

But the fact still remains that it's very very common. If not rape then some kind of sexual abuse/assault. Aibu to want to understand why this is?

OP posts:

ShakeAndVac · 09/08/2013 15:02

She has been raped before and said she thinks its something all men have in them.

STRONGLY disagree with that statement. What a sweeping generalisation.
Just because it's happened to you and a friend doesn't mean it's common either.

Original poster

AnneNonimous · 09/08/2013 15:04

shake as I said above its not just me and a friend, it's most of the women I know. To the point I'm surprised if somebody hasn't had it happen to them. I do think its common.

OP posts:

YouStayClassySanDiego · 09/08/2013 15:07

Well I can only speak from my experience of my own friends and as far as I know there have been no sexual assaults or rapes.

I don't know about it being very very common either.

The men I know wouldn't rape someone either.

Isildur · 09/08/2013 15:08

To the very best of my knowledge, I don't know anyone who has been subjected to a sexual attack/raped.

I don't think it's as common generally as it seems to have been amongst your group of friends.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/08/2013 15:08

I think it is very common. That doesn't mean that all men or most men have it in them, any more than most women are murderers at heart. Rape has one of the highest recidivism rates of any crime so the crime can be common while the offenders are still quite rare. What happened to you shouldn't have, I'm sorry

Her DH on the other hand, is a scumbag, for thinking it, for saying it. If my DH said that, and he would never, he would be single. What a repulsive man.

WitchOfEndor · 09/08/2013 15:09

I don't think all men have it in them but there is a significant percentage of the male population that has a screwed up view of right and wrong that rape is much more common than it should be in a civilised society. It doesn't help that there are also female rape apologists as well. It's depressing really that things don't seem to be changing.

And as for your friends husband - wtf???

AKissIsNotAContract · 09/08/2013 15:10

I agree with MrsTP. Your friend's husband is vile.

neriberi · 09/08/2013 15:11

I agree with Shake, I totally disagree with what you've said. I don't think rape is common, I don't know anyone in my circle that's been raped. I also know that a lot of my male friends would totally and utterly dispute being told that they were capable of rape, they would be mortified and disgusted in equal measure.

I think that access to social media and their ilk is making rape seem as if it is common, you can't turn on the tv or check social media without seeing the word rape at the moment.

BeCool · 09/08/2013 15:13

I think it's very common too. I have been raped twice but I've never discussed it in RL even with close friends. But when it happen, although it was shocking and dreadful, I could not identify it as rape or an attack. Rape was 'seen in society' as something that happened in a dark alley by a strange with a knife. It has affected me all my life and my relationships and the way I view men.

In know several women who have been raped also and who talk about it. it has been very damaging to them also. And I bet I know more, who like me don't discuss it.

I think many women don't discuss it.

DuckGooseFrog · 09/08/2013 15:14

I hope this man's friend knows that he has been fantasising about raping he so she can cut him out of her life.

BeCool · 09/08/2013 15:15

you can't turn on the tv or check social media without seeing the word rape at the moment. why do you think this is neribi?

Original poster

AnneNonimous · 09/08/2013 15:15

Just to clarify it was my friend who said she thought all men were capable of it - not me. And in her defence as her friend that knows her history with men I can see how her opinion would have been skewed to think that. Which is probably why she accepts what her husband says.

I grew up in a rough part of south London, that may have something to do with it being more common amongst the people I know. I still do feel its common though. And I disagree that it's all over the media. I don't think it's discussed openly enough.

OP posts:

Fairylea · 09/08/2013 15:15

I don't think it's as common as you think it is.

I've had a fair few sexual partners including one night stands and never had any dodgy experiences or anything close to rape either with them or with a stranger. I've never had anyone in my social circles or family had experiences of anything like that either (although obviously they might not be telling me everything but I would hope that we had an open enough relationship that they would).

I strongly disagree with the idea that it's something all men are predisposed to.

Fairylea · 09/08/2013 15:16

I grew up and spent 30 years in streatham in south London by the way.

FrauMoose · 09/08/2013 15:16

I think many women have an image of what rape is, that's at odds with the legal definition.

So somebody might think that if it wasn't a stranger, but somebody they knew (an ex, a friend) then it wasn't rape. If it took place in familiar surroundings, rather than an alleyway, than it wasn't rape. If violence wasn't threatened, if they didn't scream, but froze up and let sex happen - then it wasn't rape. If they'd gone out on a date with the person, it wasn't rape. If they'd had a drink and been fine about kissing the person, then it wasn't rape etc etc.

I also think it is not the sort of experience which - even when it is acknowledged as rape - many women will feel comfortable about discussing with friends. Perhaps their lives have moved on, they may have a boyfriend, a husband, children etc. The 'bad experience' is in the past. Why let it out of the box? Particularly as friends may decide not to respect a confidence...

BeCool · 09/08/2013 15:17

stats from Wikipedia

"According to a news report on BBC One presented in 12 November 2007, there were 85,000 women raped in the UK in the previous year, equating to about 230 cases every day. The 2006-07 British Crime Survey reports that 1 in every 200 women suffered from rape in that period. It also showed that only 800 people were convicted of rape crimes that same year, meaning that less than 1 in every 100 reports of rape led to a conviction.[83][84] According to a study in 2009 by the NSPCC on young people aged between 13-18, a third of girls and 16% of boys have experienced sexual violence and that as many as 250,000 teenage girls are suffering from abuse at any one time.[85][86] 12% of boys and 3% of girls reported committing sexual violence against their partners.[87]"

Don't these figures show that it is in fact worryingly common?

Original poster

AnneNonimous · 09/08/2013 15:18

BeCool I'm glad you could share that on here if you can't in real life. I'm sorry for what happened to you

I think it also raises a valid point to the people who think its not common, plenty of women won't talk about it.

OP posts:

bulletwithbutterflywings · 09/08/2013 15:19

I think rape is common. About half of my friends have been raped. Sexual assaults are even more common - I can't think of any of my friends who haven't been sexually assaulted in some way.

weirdthing · 09/08/2013 15:19

Most of the friends I have ever had have been raped/co-erced/sexually assaulted. I was sexually assaulted on a date with a solicitor. The rape and sexual assaults i am talking about are not from strangers but from men who we have trusted but then cross the line and ignore the fact that 'No means No'.

We live in a patriarchal culture where women's bodies are commodities and every aspect of our culture teaches young boys this. They in turn become the rapists of the next generation. The best way we can stop it is- as mothers of sons - to teach our male children about true respect for women and to respect their boundaries. I have two sons and I'll be putting a lot of work into that area when they are older re porn, how to treat girlfirends, initiate sex etc.

BeCool · 09/08/2013 15:20

stats from Wikipedia

Don't these figures show that rape is in fact worryingly common?

The reason rape statistics are now increasingly, isn't necessarily because more rapes are happening, but women feel more comfortable and supported in coming forward and reporting it. Part of the reason for this has to be it is a subject that is now covered in the media, and people talk about it.

Still with only 1 in 100 reports of rape leading to a conviction, it's amazing anyone does come forward isn't it?

weirdthing · 09/08/2013 15:21

None of the women I know (including me) have ever reported their experiences to the police. Those police stats are the mere tip of the ice-berg.

Original poster

AnneNonimous · 09/08/2013 15:21

weirdthing thank you for your post, I too have a DS and I am so determined to teach him to respect girls and women. I think that starts with me learning to respect and love myself so I am working on that while he is still small.

OP posts:

neriberi · 09/08/2013 15:22

I totally hear what your saying becool, however just because its in the press it doesn't mean that it's as common as people think it is, we live in a 24/7 society, access to the news is 24/7, we're constantly being bombarded with the same thing over and over again, so much so that we believe that that's how it is IMHO.

Original poster

AnneNonimous · 09/08/2013 15:29

I have to say it feels like I'm being told 'oh you're exaggerating its not that bad' by some people. If it happens to one person it's too common. Doesn't the fact that it has happened twice to me and at least once to nearly all of the women I know that it is common? In my world at least.

A lot of the time when there is murder there will be an investigation into the killers background, why it happened, motives etc. I have never seen this in a rape case (maybe I've missed it, if someone has an example I'd be interested to hear it). Of course there's no excuse, just as there's no excuse for murder but I wonder if we knew some of the main causes we as a society could help to reduce it.

OP posts:

TheSmallPrint · 09/08/2013 15:29

I think people who think it isn't common are fooling themselves. I also think that if most women think over their lives they will have experienced some sort of sexual harassment/assault however minor.

There was a thread here a while back asking people whether they had been assaulted and it filled very, very quickly.

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