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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to know why rape is so common?

352 replies

AnneNonimous · 09/08/2013 15:00

And want to understand why it happens?

I have been raped twice, once as a 14 year old and once as a 20 year old. I'd say 99% of the women I know have been raped at some point in their lives too. Growing up I almost accepted it as some kind of right of passage. It was just something that happened to women.

I was discussing this with a good friend of mine recently. She has been raped before and said she thinks its something all men have in them. She revealed to me that her husband had told her when he stayed the night at a female friends house recently he had imagined raping her.

I don't believe her, or don't want to believe her at least. I must admit my faith in men is extremely sparse and my life experiences have probably left me bitter but I do have a dad and a brother and I wouldn't want to believe they could ever be capable of being a rapist. I am disturbed by what my friend has told me about her husband and have never liked him but also know there won't be much I could tell her to make her see this.

But the fact still remains that it's very very common. If not rape then some kind of sexual abuse/assault. Aibu to want to understand why this is?

OP posts:
CailinDana · 09/08/2013 22:42

Remember to that many women in abusive marriages are raped repeatedly over a long number of years.

NiceTabard · 09/08/2013 22:44

When people are saying they have never been sexually assaulted, and don't know anyone who has, what are they thinking of?

I don't know a single female who hasn't been wanked at / had a boob or bum or between legs grabbed in the pub, had someone frot them on the tube etc etc.

I can only assume that people are thinking of things classified as serious sexual assaults - attempted rape type things.

CorrineFoxworth · 09/08/2013 22:45

frogspoon my post was too simplistic and it could equally be said that rape happens very often because there are women available to rape.

Original poster
AnneNonimous · 09/08/2013 22:51

It seems that the majority of people that don't think rape is very common are quite forceful about it. Why is this?

This thread alone provides far too many examples of women who have been mistreated.

OP posts:
PrettyKitty1986 · 09/08/2013 22:51

I suppose it does make a difference what you would class as a sexual assault. A tap on the backside as you pass in a pub...it would get a death glare from me but, no, I wouldn't class that as a 'sexual assault' worth of reporting.

CorrineFoxworth · 09/08/2013 22:54

Well, there is a tap on the bottom and what happened to me when I was thirteen. Hand repeatedly forced up my demure skirt pinching and groping. Hands on my breasts doing the same.

This was in full view of other children and when I complained I was asked what I did to encourage him.

CailinDana · 09/08/2013 22:54

Prettykitty it's irrelevant whether it's "worth reporting" or not. Any sexual contact that you don't want is an assault.

frogspoon · 09/08/2013 22:55

I wouldn't call a guy wanking at me a sexual assault.

I don't think it could be an assault without touching.

NiceTabard · 09/08/2013 22:58

prettykitty I do think that in our society girls and young women are encouraged to "laugh off" a lot of undesirable behaviour from men.

Whether something is reported or not doesn't affect whether it happened - if someone is raped then they have been raped whether they decide to report it or not.

Legally all of those things listed are sexual assaults or indecency and when people are saying that they / no-one they know has even experienced any type of sex crime I think they must be overlooking these things. Why would they do that? When women and girls are taught not to concern themselves with things like a man wanking at them or feeling them up on the tube, then that is only of benefit to men who enjoy doing these things and a part of the reason that women and girls don't report stuff. As we are told from day 1 that it's "just a bit of a laugh" etc etc.

CailinDana · 09/08/2013 23:00

Can i add for anyone out there who might be reading this - if the only reason you have sex with your partner is to stop him pestering you/ sulking/calling you names etc then that is rape and you don't have to put up with it. You never ever EVER "owe" someone sex. You have the absolute and total right to decide what happens to your body. If you don't want sex you don't have to have it no matter what the situation is.

NiceTabard · 09/08/2013 23:00

In the context of this thread though when people say that neither they nor anyone they know has been raped or sexually assaulted, presumably they are thinking of the whole gamut of unwanted illegal sex related crimes?

Not "well everyone I know has been wanked at but clearly that is totally irrelevant when talking about the prevalence of sex crimes".

NiceTabard · 09/08/2013 23:02

I mean, really, if we are talking about sexual assault and rape, and why it happens, and how common it is, why leave out a really obvious one like men exposing themselves / masturbating at someone?

Platinumstart · 09/08/2013 23:02

I've been sexually assaulted numerous times, from being first flashed at age 7 to being pinned down and groped by a work colleague in my 20's, with numerous unwelcome passes, hands on arse on tube etc in between. The reality is that for many women this is everyday life and often barely registers it is so common.

My experiences are in no way unique in my circle of friends.

frogspoon · 09/08/2013 23:04

Tbh, even if being wanked at technically is a sex related crime, for me at least I would not consider it assault

I was just a bit ewwwww, and moved away quickly so i didn't have to see it any more. To be honest I had completely forgotten about it until you mentioned wanking, so it clearly did no long lasting damage.

I think it would be insulting to women who have actually been assaulted or raped to suggest i have been a victim of sexual assault, when I clearly haven't.

NiceTabard · 09/08/2013 23:04

And it's happening here isn't it.

Being wanked at: doesn't count
Having arse groped: doesn't count

So right here we have a really good example of why stuff doesn't get reported. Because there are hordes of people all around saying it doesn't count.

Original poster
AnneNonimous · 09/08/2013 23:05

Good point nicetabard

There seems to be a lack in education for both boys and girls as to what sexual assault actually covers. I think if this was made clear from early on teenage boys may think twice about some of the 'laughs' they have at a girls expense. And girls would have a better understanding of what they really don't need to accept as 'boys being boys'.

Thinking about it now I was trained from so early on to just accept this kind of abuse from boys/men. Endless slaps on the bum, leering in the street, grabbing of various body parts.

I just now remembered as a young teenager sitting at the back of the bus a man approached me and tried to unzip my top to have a look at my underwear. I hadn't even considered this to be any form of assault. It seems so ridiculous now.

OP posts:
NiceTabard · 09/08/2013 23:07

frogs read your post and then the one before it and have a think.

The idea that people should or shouldn't react to certain things in certain ways, or that people reporting lesser crimes detracts in some way from those who have been victim to more serious crimes, are rape myths.

There is a linky somewhere at the top I think to read about rape myths and what they say and how they work and why they aren't true.

PrettyKitty1986 · 09/08/2013 23:08

So someone slapping your backside in a pub - for instance - which is the only type of 'sexual assault' that I have been subjected to. Are people saying that this should be reported to the police? Go to Court? What?

CailinDana · 09/08/2013 23:08

So where do you draw the line frogspoon? How badly damaged would a daughter of yours have to be before it would "count"?

NiceTabard · 09/08/2013 23:09

YY anne and of course the reason they tend to target girls and teenagers is because they are far less likely to "make a fuss" or report them.

When I was 14 a bus driver told my friend (who was in school uniform) that he'd let her off her fare if she showed him her tits. We laughed about it Confused Looking back I'm horrified.

CorrineFoxworth · 09/08/2013 23:09

NiceTabard, great post.

I remember being told to laugh off what happened to me. When it transpired that I did nothing to encourage, well, I should have been flattered that he thought I was attractive enough to want to touch me.

Not attractive enough to ask out, take to the cinema, whatever very young teenagers do when there is a spark of genuine attraction, respect, basic decency... and these attitudes came from my parents! The people who I trusted to keep me safe and protect me. They were always going on about strangers interfering with me on the train to school but when it came to a favoured teenage boy and a much-older member of the family...

CailinDana · 09/08/2013 23:11

Prettykitty if your bf slapped you across the face would you just shrug it off because you wouldn't report it to the police?

wharrgarbl · 09/08/2013 23:12

It happened to me, more than twenty years ago. I told an ex-boyfriend no, but he did it anyway. Just to prove he could. He claims I 'interpreted things differently'. There is no way known I would report this to anyone.

PrettyKitty1986 · 09/08/2013 23:12

When I was 14 a bus driver told my friend (who was in school uniform) that he'd let her off her fare if she showed him her tits. We laughed about it confused Looking back I'm horrified

What has that to do with sexual assault? Hmm

wharrgarbl · 09/08/2013 23:13

You must be joking?

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