To want to know why rape is so common?

[AnneNonimous]

And want to understand why it happens?

I have been raped twice, once as a 14 year old and once as a 20 year old. I'd say 99% of the women I know have been raped at some point in their lives too. Growing up I almost accepted it as some kind of right of passage. It was just something that happened to women.

I was discussing this with a good friend of mine recently. She has been raped before and said she thinks its something all men have in them. She revealed to me that her husband had told her when he stayed the night at a female friends house recently he had imagined raping her.

I don't believe her, or don't want to believe her at least. I must admit my faith in men is extremely sparse and my life experiences have probably left me bitter but I do have a dad and a brother and I wouldn't want to believe they could ever be capable of being a rapist. I am disturbed by what my friend has told me about her husband and have never liked him but also know there won't be much I could tell her to make her see this.

But the fact still remains that it's very very common. If not rape then some kind of sexual abuse/assault. Aibu to want to understand why this is?

Its on here that people say its a common attitude, but I cant say I have ever encountered it.

I don't believe it's nearly as common as claimed here, I think if it was womens' behaviour would be very different.

I don't go around assuming I have a 1 in 3 chance of getting raped, because that is not my experience nor anyone's I know.

Why is it that people seem to be think that is ok for women to drink as much as they want and to lose control over their actions (pass out or whatever) but a man who has drunk just as much is still fully responsible for what he does? (serious question, don't flame me)

"I think if it was womens' behaviour would be very different."

Really? How so? How would it be different?

Because a woman isnt doing anything if she gets raped whereas if a man smashs something up or someone in the face he did something wrong obviously? I am sure if a man was beaten up unprovoked or anally raped no one would blame him.

Because rape is illegal and getting drunk and drunk and passing out is not! How can you compare getting wasted and violating another human being is beyond me

I think sexual assault is a lot more common than rape itself. I have been put into a position where I didn't want to have sex with my ex partner a few times and my previous partner before that sexually assaulted me. I've also had a few males I know trying to do something to me by either holding me down, waiting til I'm so drunk or asleep and tried to do it then. When I say drunk I mean drunk as in saying, 'uh what are you doing?' and still not being left alone.

I don't think every man is capable of it though, I just think a certain type of man is capable of it. I forgive some of the blokes above because they were teens (13-17 years of age) and are very unlikely to do something like that now. However, I know that some people will just turn out that way anyway, whether they did something at a young age or not.

I am sorry what happened to you, happened to you. I think those who have been victim before seem to attract the wrong types in the future. I feel this because I went through some not so nice stuff as a child (not sexual related, but with family matters) and also had a few bad experiences leading up to being 13. I then had my first proper SA and honestly by 14ish I thought it was normal fighting these kind of things off. So much so actually I didn't mention it to anyone, I just kept telling them to eff off or hit them/punched them. It was a bit of a fighting game. I thought I was only useful for one thing; such a shame really, but that's how life felt at the time.

Anyways, the bottom line is from my experience and POV not all nasty men are rapists, but all rapists are nasty men. I don't think all men have it in them, but I think a certain type of man has it in them and will more than likely let this side of them come out when a situation arises.

Justforlaughs, using your example, if a woman drinks so much she passes out, but a man is still awake and aware enough to rape a woman...isn't that your answer?

It's a very scary thing to me that you would have to even ask that kind of question justforlaughs and I wonder how many other people think like you

lazyjaney so we're all liars then are we?

"I forgive some of the blokes above because they were teens (13-17 years of age) and are very unlikely to do something like that now"

Or they got away with it/normalised this kind of behaviour at a young, sexually curious age and therefore continue this behaviour into adulthood because they see nothing wrong with it.

"I don't believe it's nearly as common as claimed here, I think if it was womens' behaviour would be very different."

How? How would womens behaviour be different?

also LazyJane how do you know none of your friends or relations have been raped?

Many many women don't report it, and many do not talk about it. I've had many close personal friendships over the years (still do) where we have talked openly on many sensitive subjects, I had extensive time with an amazing therapist - but I have never spoken out loud about it. None of my friends of family know. I'm amazed I'm discussing it here.

If you knew me you would have no idea. It is a crazy claim to make.

Another one here who has been raped twice. Though if LazyJaney's comment is anything to go by I shouldn't be going about normally, having a life and all....

1st time took my virginity. Friend of parents. Would never, NEVER have reported it. I initiated it as a 15 year old girl and got scared when realised the magnitude of what I was doing. He did it anyway.

2nd time was someone I had had a previous relationship with and let sleep in my house when drunk. I said no. He held my by the wrists and did it anyway. Would never have reported it as who would have believed me?

LazyJaney I hope you come back and explain your comment.

I would agree the apparent rise is rapes is far more to do with the increased understanding that rape is far more than being pulled into a park bush by some random crackhead.

When I was with my ex, having sex with him to avoid being punched in the face seemed like a perfectly normal marital situation. Clearly, in retrospect, it wasn't.

Also, it may be far easier for some women to choose to play down what happened to them or to not talk about, because who wants to be a fucking rape victim at the end of the day?

9 out of 10 of my friends have been, all very different people from different walks of life.

The statistic 1 in 3 refers to women being raped, sexually abused, killed or beaten not just raped. Which you would know, Lazy, if you had looked at the link. BTW I think Women's behaviour IS very different than it should be. Checking drinks, making sure friends get home OK, not walking home alone, not getting into unmarked cabs, not travelling alone...

If the rapists who do it don't think they are rapists, that is a fault with the message that we are giving out. Why do we not give boys the message that a lack of enthusiastic consent is wrong?

I read a report a few years ago, male students in a University were asked "if you were guaranteed to get away with it, would you rape a woman?" And the results were staggering.

I think it was a Scandinavian university, I will try to find it. Rubbish with search terminology and links though so if somebody cleverer beats me to it I would appreciate it.

FWIW I wonder why the rape statistics in South Africa are so high. Is there less stigma attached to reporting it?

I have found one under Rape Proclivity Among Males - but it's a Canadian one and quite old.
The percentage of young men who admit to so degree of the desire to rape is 35%.

AnneNonimous - if you have an interest in the behavoural aspects of crimes like rape, you might find Obsession by John Douglas terrifying interesting to read. John Douglas was and FBI agent and part of the behavioural analysis unit, his insight into the different types of obsession and power based crimes and the people commit them is interesting, informative and scary in equal measure.

My own thought is that too many people don't actually understand the definition of rape or believe that it's okay to expect sex in some situations

Raped at 21 but didn't know this was "rape" (not dark alley etc) so didn't do anything about it. Didn't know it was rape until about about 9 - 15 years later. In fact, the incident made me ashamed and I went on to be very promiscuous. Things would have turned out differently if I'd known what kind of "animal" I was dealing with. Many other friends have been raped too. In fact, I don't think I have/had any friends who weren't

Of course it seems more common on here than in real life - its far easier to type these things into a computer for strangers to read, than talk about it in real life. I have been raped once and sexually assaulted once. I have never shared this info with anyone in real life other than my husband and a very good friend. My friends and colleagues would have no idea.

I also work in the field and have heard disclosures of rape, sexual assault and domestic abuse from women (mostly) from all walks of life, including many, many professionals. All of them were abused and assaulted by people they knew - mainly partners / ex-partners.

FWIW I wonder why the rape statistics in South Africa are so high. Is there less stigma attached to reporting it?

Perhaps the high HIV levels mean people seek treatment to access prevention medicine and that leads to more reporting - but they have high crimes rates overall - one of the highest murder rates in world.

I suspect levels of rape differ considerable between differ groups - hence posters here having gone through separate and multiple experiences of rape while others like me having been lucky not to have any and being unaware of anyone who has - as much as that means anything as it not a open discussion subject.

I don't believe all or most men would rape but what ever the figure if its more than zero its always too high.

Sadly rape is very common and sexual assaults even more so. However I do not agree that all men have it in them. There are many decent men out there unfortunately the scummy ones cause a lot of problems.

janey how do you propose women should behave differently. By saying that you are IMO implying that a woman who has been raped is to blame for that rape. Many women don't openly admit to being raped because they fear judgment.

I was raped. I have never been drunk, I've never been intoxicated by any other substance, I've never wear skimpy clothes, I've never slept around. All these applied to me even before I was raped, the only person to blame for my rape is my rapist. The only person to blame for any rape is the rapist.

I've been raped by a group of strangers and I was also sexually abused for a prolonged period. I have been sexually assaulted numerous times. I thought something was wrong with me, that I attracted these men.

I am however, surrounded by good men, my husband, my dad, brothers, uncles, minister, employer and my lovely therapist. I don't believe all men are the same.

I am staggered by what people really think rape is and how dismissive people can be about rape in relationships. I think people seem to think a stranger in the alley is true rape, everything else is just messy.

I see it everywhere on tv, example "Two broke girls" I watched the other day, the character agrees to get felt up to let her friend see her dad in prison, then another episode where she thinks her boss is going to have his way with her and she jokes about getting it over with.. all ha ha, funny funny apparently. How I met you mother series sickens me with the character Barney tricking women into bed.. ha ha... Obtaining sex by deception is rape!
Informed consent, enthusiastic consent is what I will be teaching my boys. If it's not a resounding YES PLEASE, then they need to take it as a No.

It feels common in my experience and what I've read about others. If it's not considered common, I still think it happens way too much and it's accepted/ ignored way too readily in society.
My family are a good family, loving, supportive. While I was being abused as a teen, they chose not to see, they blamed me, they couldn't believe their daughter was being raped on a daily basis, so they distorted and denied what they couldn't handle. I think that's a big problem in society. We need to get comfortable discussing violence, rape and abuse. We need to make our sons aware so this stops in future generations..