To want to know why rape is so common?

[AnneNonimous]

And want to understand why it happens?

I have been raped twice, once as a 14 year old and once as a 20 year old. I'd say 99% of the women I know have been raped at some point in their lives too. Growing up I almost accepted it as some kind of right of passage. It was just something that happened to women.

I was discussing this with a good friend of mine recently. She has been raped before and said she thinks its something all men have in them. She revealed to me that her husband had told her when he stayed the night at a female friends house recently he had imagined raping her.

I don't believe her, or don't want to believe her at least. I must admit my faith in men is extremely sparse and my life experiences have probably left me bitter but I do have a dad and a brother and I wouldn't want to believe they could ever be capable of being a rapist. I am disturbed by what my friend has told me about her husband and have never liked him but also know there won't be much I could tell her to make her see this.

But the fact still remains that it's very very common. If not rape then some kind of sexual abuse/assault. Aibu to want to understand why this is?

I don't accept that we live in a 'rape culture'. I tend to try and look at unbiased sources and dig deeper into the statistics, which, I think bears out my original assertion.

I have not been raped, I don't know anybody who has been raped, my wider circle of friends and family know 1 person who has.

I also think that while society is focused on female victims, it by and large ignores male victims, which I believe is wrong.

So the testimonies of women on here aren't unbiased sources?
And what does a "rape victim" look like? How the hell do you know that in your wider circle of friends not one of them has been raped? Apart from MN, there are about 3 people in the world who know I have been raped. You don't carry a sign about with "rape victim" on it...

Only one of them has been raped.

I think the reporting rate for males attacked will be even lower. The horrible stigma that female victims face must be 100 times worse. Society as a whole has very skewed ideas of right and wrong. Too busy revelling in victim blaming.

I don't talk about being raped openly in RL. This is because of the reactions I've had from people when I have admitted to what happened. These reactions are still to difficult to handle in a face to face situation even years after being raped. I think the majority of my acquaintances would say that I'd never been raped, they honestly have no idea.

Them being able to confidently state that no one they know has been raped does not suddenly mean that I wasn't raped (I wish it was that simple). Outside of a work situation I don't know of anyone being raped. However I'm not naive enough to extrapolate that to say that they definitely haven't. I sincerely hope they haven't because I wouldn't wish it on anyone but I wouldn't be surprised if some of them had been IYSWIM.

'So the testimonies of women on here aren't unbiased sources?'

Women who have been raped are going to respond to this thread, so in this instance, there will be a larger amount of women on this thread who have been raped. I don't think that the ratio of women on this thread who have been raped is representative of the amount of women who have been raped in RL.

'And what does a "rape victim" look like?'

I really don't know, I don't think I suggested I did.

'How the hell do you know that in your wider circle of friends not one of them has been raped?'

I can't see any reason why they wouldn't tell me. I think they probably would, we are usually very frank with each other.

The only thing any of us can say with certainty is "I have/have not been raped and/or sexually assaulted". We cannot speak for our friends and family. We can't just know they haven't been because they haven't told us. Look at how much doubt there is on this thread alone. The fear of not being believed might be stronger than the hope that they will be believed. I have only talked about my assaults with my husband (and not in detail) and two friends, one of whom opened up first.

I think it's common because the amount of time in prison for rape is so low, that its probably worth doing for the rapist,as they'll only get a few years. No real deterant. Also they probably know most women won't report it or won't be believed. :(

I do think it's very common, unfortunately. I also think that there a lot more entitled fuckwit men out there who have the potential to be rapists (and probably already have) than we think there are. The attitudes of some men I have found shocking in the past and it has made me very wary of them. I'm lucky enough to have never been raped but have been sexually assaulted a few times. Honestly I've found in the whole 35 years I've been alive that only 3 men I've come into contact haven't had a questionable attitude to rape and sex. They are DH, my dad and weirdly BIL who on every other level I can't stand.

Sigmunde The British Crime Survey will give you some 'unbiased' rape / serious sexual offences stats, as will the CPS website.
9:10 women do not report rape / sexual assault. I have very open friendships and have only told one close friend, and DH. It is very hard to talk about, and like many others I preferred to try to pretend it had never happened and to get on with my life. Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean its not there.

I can't see any reason why they wouldn't tell me. I think they probably would, we are usually very frank with each other.

Shame? Self-blame? A desire to blot it out? Panic that someone will force them into reporting it? Just some of the reasons women don't report rape. Until society understands that it's not just the "weirdo in the bushes" who commits rape, nothing will get better for women who are raped and assaulted.

You absolutely cannot speak for other women when you claim to know nobody who's been raped. At best, you can say, "to the best of my knowledge, none of my acquaintances have been raped."

Does anyone think the rise of availability of rape porn has anything to do with it? In a way it normalises it and makes it mainstream.

Oh and to put it into perspective how shit it can be. I had visible bruises on my wrists where he'd held me and on my legs where he'd knelt on me. I was bleeding. And I still didn't report it. Why?
Because I KNEW when I admitted I'd had sex with the man many times before and had let him stay in my house drunk, not a single soul would have believed me. Oh and it would have been marvellous fun having my sexual history dredged up in court had it ever gone that far.

We are a long way from justice.

I attended a court case where the victim was a young Asian girl who had been gang raped, she was wearing her uniform as her parents thought she was at school, she had not told them about the case because they would've blamed her. She must have been about 14 and was ripped apart by four separate barristers who insinuated that she'd wanted it and then felt embarrassed. Her bravery has stuck with me

I think it is fairly common.

I've been raped; never considered reporting it. There's only me, a trusted friend and the lovely woman I saw at rape crisis who knows. People tend to keep it to themselves, especially if they fear (among other things) being judged...I'm surprised this needs to be pointed out.

I didn't report mine either. Didn't see the point, it would just have given my rapist the opportunity to degrade me further using the system.

When I did open up once (big mistake) I was asked what I'd done to cause it, what I'd been wearing, was I drunk. Learnt my lesson that night, if you ever have the misfortune to be raped keep your bloody mouth shut. The truth will no longer matter, you'll be labelled a tart who deserved it. Keeping your mouth shut is a way of preserving dignity and trying to pretend it never happened.

Thepowerof3 that poor, poor girl. I'm in awe of her bravery. I couldn't have done it.

She was amazing

Realised I got side-tracked and didn't answer the OP's question: 'why is it so common'. I don't have time to answer fully but I think to understand why you need to start to look at gender inequality and the attitudes to women that are endemic in patriarchal societies.

On the subject of not telling friends -this may out me. If you know who I am please keep it quiet.

When I was 21 I travelled with a female friend to south east asia. We were in a remote place, essentially a tiny village in the rainforest. One day we went for a walk into the rainforest along a well used track. We passed a fair few people, its wasnt a secluded spot. (No matter if it was really ? Why did I feel the need to say that ?)

Anyway. At one point we passed a group of about 5 young lads, probably between 16-20 years old. They laughed and spoke in the language of that country as we passed. Normal so far - dont want to say which country- although I had no doubt they could speak english too.

I turned around as we passed and saw one of the older boys had his dick out and was making wanking motions with it, grinning at me. It was obvious what they were thinking. 2 of us, 5 of them. My friend did not see this.

I think she may have felt how I felt however as a few minutes later she suggested we go back. I managed to dissuade her from this because I was frightened of meeting the men again. But for some reason I couldnt tell her why. I think now perhaps I subconciously felt she wouldnt believe me or she would somehow think id made it up as "flattery".

She was a close friend, we had lived together and known each other a long time. Why when she was right there with me did I choose not to tell her what I had seen and why I was afraid ?

Perhaps this will help people understand that friends just may not have told them if they have been raped.

I'm so sorry to those of you who have been through these horrific experiences. However I am surprised you think these crimes are common as I've never been raped/ sexually assaulted, and to the best of my knowledge nobody I know has been raped or sexually assaulted either.

I was once friends with a guy who was convicted years later for repeated sexual abuse and rape of 2 minors (whilst babysitting). It still makes me feel sick to think that I was friends with this guy whilst he was doing these horrific things.

My whole group of friends, including male friends were shocked and horrified when we found out, and from their reaction I would like to believe that sexual abuse and rape of anyone is not common and not normal.

And my dh would be FURIOUS at the opinion that all men have it in them. He would be truly disgusted that someone could think he would do that, as would my dad.

Frogspoon read the thread. Read the British crime survey. Read the rape crisis stats. It IS common. 1:5 women will be raped or sexually assaulted in their life. Only 1:10 will report it. I have discussions about rape - but people do not know I've been raped. I chose not to say for many reasons and as I don't wear a badge no one knows.

I think lazyjaney was saying the attitude Petey was talking about isn't common in rl because if it were, our behaviour would be different. Ie if most people did genuinely think women asked for it, we would never wear short skirts?

That's what I took her post to say, anyway.