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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ban him from my home

226 replies

fredas · 09/08/2013 09:11

I've name changed because I know some people on here in real life.

My 19 year old brother has been staying with me, these last few days and we were having a really good time until this morning. I was running a bit late and so I hadn?t got DPs breakfast ready for when he had got out of the shower. So when he came down how asked where his breakfast was, my brother seemed to flip and said why don?t you get yourself you lazy prick, what do you think she is your personal maid.

He then began berating him because I?m currently unemployed so if we need anything I ask DP for the money so I can go and buy it (money is tight) before ranting about how DP is going golfing in Portugal next week because we are not having a holiday together this year.

I'm really shocked at the way he spoke to him. He was being so accusatory and you could hear the hostility in his voice, so I have asked him to leave (he was due to go on Sunday). DP has gone to work but he made no attempt to apoligise to him or me and just insisted that something needed to be said. I really feel like banning him from ever coming back for being so rude, disrespectful and abusive to DP.

OP posts:
NandH · 09/08/2013 15:32

I should have written that better, I havnt got my point across!

Basically, I read this as a misunderstanding, if your brother hasn't lived with you for long he may not have known or realised yours and your dps relationship and roles in te household, therefore to your brother your dp's bluntness may have come across as rude and it may look like your his 'personal assistant' or whatever your brother said. BUT your brother may not have realised how tight things are and how you want to make dp's life easier as the only one bringing in the money.

I understand you wanting to make dp's life bait easier while your working, I'd be the same. But your brother was only being protective, so I'd suggest you invite him back, make it clear how the household is run at the moment, brother should apologise to dp for misreading the situation.

:)

GingerBlondecat · 09/08/2013 15:32

Ughh I can't even finish.

methinks this is the husband answering.

Team Bro all the way

ModernToss · 09/08/2013 15:38

Your brother's feeling that 'something needed to be said' leads me to think this was cumulative, and the breakfast thing was just the last straw. He clearly doesn't like the way you are treated, or the dynamic in your house - why else did he say that you aren't 'his personal slave'? It wasn't just breakfast.

Listen to your brother. You are close, and he's on your side.

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/08/2013 15:41

I think that larrygrylls has a point with this
"does he resent his sister doing something for a man who isn't him?"

WeleaseWodger · 09/08/2013 15:49

ModernToss, where from the OP did you read they were close and the brother is on her side? You have no idea what caused her brother's outburst. Many agree it was an overreaction. To what, we don't know. To the way OP was being treated by her partner? Or because OP's brother is a spoiled, self-entitled, rude little brat?

There is no way of knowing without further input from OP herself.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/08/2013 15:51

Welease OP said they were close in another PP.

It's not good that the OP sounded so odd in her PP then disappeared.

zatyaballerina · 09/08/2013 16:15

You're brother was protecting you because he loves you and it hurts him to see you being treated in a disrespectful manner. Talk to him and listen to his opinion about how sees you being treated. Maybe you don't realise how badly you're being treated, sometimes it takes another person to point out that behaviour that we've normalised to ourselves is actually very disrespectful or abusive. I imagine it was the tone of your partners voice that set your brother off and he has probably being holding his tongue for his entire stay before blowing.

Perhaps your partner isn't being horrible to you but obviously your brother thinks he is, unless he has a history of taking things out of context or taking offense where there is none, he's likely right in what he's seeing.

WeleaseWodger · 09/08/2013 16:42

Ah, apologies...I read it, but didn't reference it correctly. If OP is close with her brother, then I don't understand why she doesn't simply discuss this with him.

flippinada · 09/08/2013 16:49

There's something a little 'off' here.

If a member of your family who you were close to had an out of character outburst, whatever your initial reaction, surely you'd be concerned about them and wanting to find out what was up, wouldn't you?

flippinada · 09/08/2013 16:54

Either that or the DH really is a nasty piece of work and the realisation has hit OP like a tonne of bricks.

EarlyIntheMorning · 09/08/2013 16:56

Either your brother has misread the state of your relationship or you're massively in denial. Either way, at least your brother cares about you.

Original poster
fredas · 09/08/2013 18:29

Sorry for going away.

To provide some clarity re:finances, we don't have a joint account and on a weekly basis DP has a standing order to give me money to do the food shop and other household purchases. This generally more than covers the cost give me some surplus (I've got some JSA as well) but if it doesn't or if I want some money to go out with friends or other things like that then I'll ask him and he'll wire me some money across. As we have bank accounts with the same bank then its instant and so I have the money.

OP posts:
NandH · 09/08/2013 19:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

claudedebussy · 09/08/2013 19:19

agree with earlyinthemorning.

ShakeAndVac · 09/08/2013 19:24

Sorry, I haven't read all the pages - but I have to side with you brother on this one.
Why are you making your DH's breakfast in a morning? Confused
Especially as it's so expected - when you don't do it he asks you where it is!
Is he incapable of doing it himself? He's not a child.
Also, if money is so tight and you can't have a holiday, then why is he bogging off to Portugal to go golfing?
Your brother has a point and was just looking out for you. Maybe he put it a bit bluntly, but looking out for you all the same.

formicadinosaur · 09/08/2013 19:25

Does DP make breakfasts for you at weekends?

It sounds to me like your brother stayed with you for a few days and got a fair insight into your family situation. I think nits quite sweet he stood up for you.

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking · 09/08/2013 19:29

Your Bro sounds fab Op! I think you need to apologise to him! ( if this is real and not a reverse)

ReginaPhilangie · 09/08/2013 19:36

Your brother was right, your DP is a prick. Unless your DP is completely in capable of looking after himself (and seen as he goes to work, I think not), then he was being massively U. You should be thanking your brother for standing up for you, why can't you stand up to your DP yourself?

CSIJanner · 09/08/2013 19:50

OP - I think your DB has to a snapshot of your life where he sees you being taken advantage of. You may disagree with him, but he was being a good brother, sticking up for his sister. You do not state how your DH asked where his breakfast is, but I hazard a guess that there was a "I'm going to be late, where is it?" tone. You may not have thought anything of it other than DH rushing and being frustrated, but your brother did. And he stood up for you. Your DB sounds ace and a good man who cares.

YABU

notanyanymore · 09/08/2013 20:09

'DP has gone to work', So, brother has been staying for a few days in a house where the only income is DP and he talks to him like that? He should be making the breakfast and helping out his sister if hes staying for free.

Why the hell should they have a joint bank account? no one even mentioned having kids here!

Whats wrong with making someone breakfast? If this story was told with a jobless guy and his girl going to work and his sister who was also off work had a go at her because he made her breakfast, you would mostly be ranting about how he should have a job and you should kick his sister out..

ShakeAndVac · 09/08/2013 20:34

Notanymore
Whats wrong with making someone breakfast?

Nothing's wrong with making breakfast. It's a nice thing to do. There's everything wrong with saying "where's my breakfast?!" when it's not there, though!
Like it's just EXPECTED.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 09/08/2013 20:42

Another one who thinks your brother is brilliant and that perhaphs you should have a damn good think about your life... and relationships.

jammiedonut · 09/08/2013 20:47

I think it's lovely that you have someone prepared to stick up for you like that, especially to an older male in his territory. Your db sounds like his heart is in the right place, can't you discuss why his comments are unacceptable to you, rather than just kicking him out, otherwise you are just causing more bad feeling

Juniperdewdropofbrandy · 09/08/2013 20:54

Your poor brother Sad Yes he lost his rag with your dp and could've perhaps been a bit more tactful. But he must feel so rejected right now?

Lweji · 09/08/2013 21:06

notanyanymore

My exH used to not work and I never expected him to make me breakfast, never demanded it off him (and got DS ready, including breakfast, most days too).

It's difficult to say how unreasonable was one or the other, but think carefully about your H's attitudes, OP.