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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ban him from my home

226 replies

fredas · 09/08/2013 09:11

I've name changed because I know some people on here in real life.

My 19 year old brother has been staying with me, these last few days and we were having a really good time until this morning. I was running a bit late and so I hadn?t got DPs breakfast ready for when he had got out of the shower. So when he came down how asked where his breakfast was, my brother seemed to flip and said why don?t you get yourself you lazy prick, what do you think she is your personal maid.

He then began berating him because I?m currently unemployed so if we need anything I ask DP for the money so I can go and buy it (money is tight) before ranting about how DP is going golfing in Portugal next week because we are not having a holiday together this year.

I'm really shocked at the way he spoke to him. He was being so accusatory and you could hear the hostility in his voice, so I have asked him to leave (he was due to go on Sunday). DP has gone to work but he made no attempt to apoligise to him or me and just insisted that something needed to be said. I really feel like banning him from ever coming back for being so rude, disrespectful and abusive to DP.

OP posts:
Mabelface · 09/08/2013 11:33

Talk to your brother instead of kicking him out and banning him. Ask him what it is that he sees. He's obviously looking out for you and doesn't like that he sees you being used as a doormat.

MikeOxard · 09/08/2013 11:35

I think you're brother was absolutely right and you owe him an apology.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 09/08/2013 11:35

I think it is one thing to do stuff for your partners such as make them breakfast sometimes....I sometimes do for DH...but when they expect it - that's another thing. If my DH actually asked me where his breakfast is I would probably tell him up his arse!

You actually sound a bit brainwashed......like your DH has told you that as you are not currently working you owe him or something. How did your DH react to DB?

I admire your DB for standing up for you although it does sort of put you in the middle.

NoComet · 09/08/2013 11:36

The OPs brother is perfectly at liberty to discus her partner's behaviour with her in private.

To do so in front of her DP is being just as misogynistic, controlling and very very rude.

In effect he's saying "Dear feeble sister, let me look after you".

Even my very protective DDad would know that would have exactly the opposite response.

BlackeyedSusan · 09/08/2013 11:39

on the face of it I think your brother has a point. only you know what your dp's attitude really is. I would not ban your brother from your home. he was looking out for you and trying to make sure that you are not being taken advantage of.

emuloc · 09/08/2013 13:18

Perhaps your brother should have noted his concerns to you in private first before talking to your husband in his own home like that as for making his breakfast in the morning to help set him up for work what on earth is wrong with that it does not make you a slave it is something any woman with half an ounce of consideration should do if they are able to do

Don`t fall out with your brother over this though

Tiredemma · 09/08/2013 13:23

I would imagine that your brother has observed other things during the time he has stayed with you and this morning was probably the final straw.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 09/08/2013 13:34

I find it impossible to accept that the brother said what he did solely on the basis of the breakfast incident unless the way he spoke to the OP was really unpleasant. I suspect he has witnessed a lot of things with regard to the way the OPs husband treats his sister and this was, as others have said, the final straw.

Emuloc - wonder how often the husband has made breakfast for the OP? I suspect rarely.

diddl · 09/08/2013 13:35

Well if someone called my husband a lazy prick in his own house, whilst staying there, I'm not sure that I'd want them there again.

I doubt that he would!

HerculePoirotsTache · 09/08/2013 13:41

I'm another one with your brother. There has got to be more to this than the breakfast. I am shocked you make the breakfast tbh, he can sort himself out, he is a grown man!

Being made redundant is not your fault but you are coming across as if your DP is holding this against you in some way. Are you actively looking for another job? And if money is tight then your DP should not be off on a solo holiday even if it was booked. What will he do for spending money etc?? The price of the holiday will keep rising....

FryOneFatManic · 09/08/2013 13:47

The OP's brother is 19, so may not yet have developed the best skills for dealing with this kind of issue. So yes, perhaps a little rude, but maybe will get better.

However, if he has been there a few days, then maybe the breakfast issue was just the latest in a line of things that the OP hasn't realised are potentially a problem, but which to the brother are red flags.

I think he seems a decent bloke, wish there were more like him around.

And I agree with other posters. Nothing has changed in your DP's job to make it a burden, has it? I am currently unemployed,although I have a medical next week for a job I've been offered. DP still gets his own breakfast, although I'll make a cuppa if I'm in the kitchen at that time.

And as we've always had separate bank accounts he just transfers a bulk amount to my acct once a month to cover bills, etc, and regularly checks I have enough. We budget together, and he told me the other day not to worry, as he calls us a "team" in looking after everything together.

OP have a proper talk with your brother, when your DP is not around. Ask him what's behind this outburst. You may find food for thought at what he tells you. Don't dismiss what he says, it must have taken a lot for him to say something.

lola88 · 09/08/2013 13:54

I think there must be a lot more to it i doubt a 19 year old boy would notice to much unless it was much more than one comment over breakfast and a holiday.

Making breakfast for him is one thing but having to go cap in hand to him is not on especially since theirs obviously enough money for a golfing holiday. If it was my sister i'd be telling him what i thought of him

peggyundercrackers · 09/08/2013 13:55

fuck me - some people on here dont half make assumptions. no one said her dp demanded breakfast, how do the other know he talked in an entitled way? you dont - its all assumptions.

yep i would kick your brother out - he obviously thinks he owns you and you cant look after yourself or cant speak up for yourself - speak about entitled...

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 09/08/2013 13:59

If your brother's attitude towards your DP is any reflection on his attitude to his own relationships, he will make a wonderful, respectful husband/partner one day. Sorry, but I'm on his side. Ok so he didn't go about it in the most diplomatic way but it sounds like he's concerned your DP is treating you like a maid and wanted to stand up for you. If I've learned anything from my time on MN, it's that cocklodging is not an uncommon phenomenon.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 09/08/2013 14:01

peggy - have you read the whole thread and the OPs responses? If I was married and my OH came downstairs and said "where's my breakfast?" I would regard that as rather entitled behaviour.

TwinsetBeck · 09/08/2013 14:01

I think all you have to ask yourself-honestly- is if the situation was reversed would you give/ get the same treatment?

If he was made redundant would you:
Go on holiday without him
Make him ask for money
Expect him to get up and make your breakfast
Ask where your breakfast was if it wasn't waiting on the table
Shout at his family

Would he:
Get up to make your breakfast every day
Beg you for money
Stop speaking to a member of his family when they questioned your behaviour
Not have a holiday this year

???

diddl · 09/08/2013 14:02

How in God's name is the guy a cocklodger in a house where he contributes to bills, and until recently, got his own fucking breakfast???

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 09/08/2013 14:05

Surely, surely, a reverse AIBU?

And if money's that tight then bacon sandwiches are too much of a luxury for breakfast every day.

LemonPeculiarJones · 09/08/2013 14:10

TwinsetBeck that's a very important perspective on things.

OP what do you think of those questions?

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/08/2013 14:11

TwinsetBeck
"Shout at his family"

Unless I have missed it I can't see anywhere where the OP's DH has shouted at anyone.

diddl · 09/08/2013 14:18

It seems to me that they get up at the same time & OP makes breakfast whilst he showers.

If OP wants to make breakfast, that's fine imo, & I'm not sure that he should have to if the roles were reversed & he didn't want to.

What would be wrong of course is if it is expected & if he was angry that it wasn't ready.

WeleaseWodger · 09/08/2013 14:27

I think the OP is saying money is tight FOR HER. She is living with her partner and not her husband and clearly like many co-habiting, childless couples, they share bills and keep other finances separate.

If an out-of-work man was demanding access to a woman's money - and they weren't married -- would you all be saying that's ok too?

Damn right she should be asking to borrow instead of expect access to her partner's finances. Especially as that seems to be their set up when they both worked.

Frankly, her brother was an ass to the man in his own home.

He may or may not have a point, but he sure got it across incredibly rudely.

peggyundercrackers · 09/08/2013 14:32

jessica your idea of entitled is obviously different to mine.

snazzy how is a bacon sandwhich a luxury?

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/08/2013 14:36

TwinsetBeck that was the exact question I was going to ask. OP, please, please try to answer that question honestly. If he had lost his job and you were working, would things be as they are the other way around?

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/08/2013 14:41

MrsTerryPratchett and "Twinset"

I would put more stock in the question if it didn't have so much bias in it.

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