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AIBU?

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Original poster

to ban him from my home

226 replies

fredas · 09/08/2013 09:11

I've name changed because I know some people on here in real life.

My 19 year old brother has been staying with me, these last few days and we were having a really good time until this morning. I was running a bit late and so I hadn?t got DPs breakfast ready for when he had got out of the shower. So when he came down how asked where his breakfast was, my brother seemed to flip and said why don?t you get yourself you lazy prick, what do you think she is your personal maid.

He then began berating him because I?m currently unemployed so if we need anything I ask DP for the money so I can go and buy it (money is tight) before ranting about how DP is going golfing in Portugal next week because we are not having a holiday together this year.

I'm really shocked at the way he spoke to him. He was being so accusatory and you could hear the hostility in his voice, so I have asked him to leave (he was due to go on Sunday). DP has gone to work but he made no attempt to apoligise to him or me and just insisted that something needed to be said. I really feel like banning him from ever coming back for being so rude, disrespectful and abusive to DP.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 09/08/2013 14:42

Bias? Why?

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 09/08/2013 14:43

peggy Meat's expensive and there are plenty of other things that can be eaten for breakfast more cheaply if your budget is tight. If the OP' partner is eating a cooked breakfast every day (which she alludes to) then they could save money if he had porridge or toast. As an occasional thing it's different but every day is a luxury. I doubt many posters have a cooked breakfast daily.

NatashaBee · 09/08/2013 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OxfordBags · 09/08/2013 14:50

Boneyback, I made the point about 'His Lordship' getting a cooked breakfast every day in light of the Op having to ask him for cash to buy essentials. If she's having to do that then they must be so skint that they can't afford that type of food every day (in other words, I was trying to hint to her that the two together don't make sense and she should examine the disparity between what he gets and what she has to do to get anything). If you read what I wrote, you'll see I wasn't suggesting they should both be on sawdust and air just because cash is tight.

I do think the brother was possibly being a bit 'woman can't stick up for herself' and to yell was rude, but he is 19, and if I'd seen someone taking the piss out of my sibling at that age, I would've kicked off too.

larrygrylls · 09/08/2013 14:51

Given the principle on just about every feminist thread that both parties should have equal free time, I don't see why on earth the OP should not make her husband breakfast. At the end of the day, at the moment (through no fault of the OP's) she has half the money and 90% of the free time. She is doing what she can to make up for this by making her husband's life easier. Seems quite sensible. There is no mention of children (unless I have missed it) so the OP has all day to do whatever she likes (plus job hunting). There is also no mention about whether the husband withholds money or is unfair with it. Whether they have a joint account is very personal as long as, ultimately, the money is fairly distributed. As for the golfing holiday, he booked it prior to her redundancy. If it is uncancellable, again, nothing wrong with going.

Her brother sounds like a self entitled prick. What right does he have to storm into his sister's marriage brandishing accusations, especially when he is actually a guest. I would guess he is taking full advantage of the hospitality of his sister and BIL. He is all of 19 years old and, to be honest, sounds rather inappropriately jealous of his BIL. If he has legitimate concerns about how his sister is being treated, he should raise it with her and allow her to deal with it, with or without his help.

It is amazing how one sided the comments are on this thread. The brother is behaving like the alpha male, throwing his weight around someone else's marriage and house, without any recourse to the person that he thinks is hard done by. Is it really about that or does he resent his sister doing something for a man who isn't him? I suspect the latter.

OP, I would have a sane discussion about how you are going to deal with your brother. How would you like someone in your own house calling you a prick (or something similar) and making you feel uncomfortable with his/her aggression?

angelinajelly · 09/08/2013 14:53

Funnily enough, OP, I've been in this situation. Many years ago, I was in an awful relationship, being treated terribly by my then-boyfriend. And it was my little brother coming to stay for a few days and commenting that he didn't like the way I was spoken to that made me look at the situation as an outsider would, realise how wrong it was, and get out of there. I am still so grateful to my lovely brother for caring enough to say something. Sometimes you need your family in your corner- don't push him away.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 09/08/2013 14:58

peggy - IF the OP wants to make her OH breakfast then of course that is her business. No one is saying they shouldn't do that if they want. However, if I came down one morning and found they hadn't had chance to make a breakfast for me, I would simply do so myself and not ask "where's my breakfast?" I made a point of asking OP what her OH did for her? OK, he works in the week and she wishes to help (although I find her use of the term a "burden" to describe making breakfast a bit telling). Does he reciprocate and make her breakfast at the weekends? The fact that the OP has not been told us what her OP does specifically for her, as opposed to "cutting the lawn" and "redecorating a room" I also find rather telling.

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly · 09/08/2013 15:00

I can't understand everyone saying how wonderful this young man is for causing a scene and being rude to his hosts? Why assume he is right, and that the OP needs rescuing from her big bad DP by another man, brother or not? Doesn't that sound a bit patronising?
I make breakfast for my DP sometimes. And/or lunch, dinner, and sometimes a midnight snack after a late shift! It's because I want to, I like to, and does plenty of other things that more than balance it out.

Even if the brother is right, he should have talked to her alone rather than rudely jumping into the dynamics of someone elses relationship.

larrygrylls · 09/08/2013 15:06

This thread is one of the most bizarre I have seen. A rude and aggressive male verbally attacks his host and people rush off being sympathetic to him. And all because he has asked where his breakfast is when the couple's routine is that he gets made breakfast.

I am in a completely different situation but, at the moment, I do all the shopping and 90% of the cooking in our house. If my wife came down and there was zero for dinner, I assure you she would ask where her dinner was......and that is despite the fact that I contribute 90% of our income. And she would be absolutely within her rights to do so.

MariaLuna · 09/08/2013 15:11

^Your brother rocks, you should be thankful he has your best interests at heart.

Stay close to him you may need his support later in your life...^

My sentiments exactly.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/08/2013 15:12

I normally make dinner. My DH came home last night. Tummy bug DD meant that I had neither the time nor the inclination to cook. He didn't ask where dinner was. After explaining our day, I said, "it's fend for yourself night, is that alright?". He said, "fish finger sandwich?" I had a fish finger sandwich made by DH's fair hand. It was very nice and Emmeline Pankhurst didn't spin in her grave. Had he asked "where's my dinner" I would have wondered where my DH was.

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/08/2013 15:13

MrsTerryPratchett
"Bias? Why?"
The terminology of the question "beg", "Make", "Expect".

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/08/2013 15:15

Oxfordbags
OxfordBags Fri 09-Aug-13 14:50:06

"I made the point about 'His Lordship' getting a cooked breakfast every day in light of the Op having to ask him for cash to buy essentials."

The OP doesn't say that the money was for essentials.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/08/2013 15:16

Fair enough, emotive language, I'll give you that. How about, "if the situation were reversed, would you get a lone holiday, breakfast made, DP asking for money? Would you ask where your breakfast was if DP didn't make it?" Fair?

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/08/2013 15:16

"need anything" not "want anything" implies essentials.

larrygrylls · 09/08/2013 15:18

Nope,

Neither does she say that he ever refuses! And two rashers of bacon in a cheap sandwich is a nutritious breakfast for about 60p. I am not sure I see that as necessarily befitting the manor house that most seem to be extrapolating.

If he has to eat at work, a cheap, nutritious breakfast at home may well be a net saving.

However, the real point is that the OP's brother was outrageously rude and disrespectful to BOTH his hosts. It was not his right to assume that his sister wanted him to say what he said, or that he understood the marriage in the round. He lost his temper, plain and simple. I never knew that MN was so supportive of male aggression. Clearly I still fail to understand the psyche!

larrygrylls · 09/08/2013 15:20

""need anything" not "want anything" implies essentials."

I frequently ask my wife what we "need" when I go shopping. She sometimes suggests things like Lindt chocolates, smoked salmon etc. Everyday conversation cannot be parsed that accurately and conclusions drawn from it.

TwinsetBeck · 09/08/2013 15:21

Sorry- my mistake- I must have misread OP. thought he had shouted back at brother. Apologies if I got that part wrong.

NandH · 09/08/2013 15:21

I sincerely hope you 're' invite your brother back to stay!

I understand what your doing! I would do the same if dp was the only one working and I didnt have young children to look after, however I can see it from your brothers point of view. Also, dp should have cancelled his holiday when you realised you didnt have the finances!

Still, something is odd about your responses :-/

LittleWhiteWolf · 09/08/2013 15:21

Have you actually talked to your brother about why he felt the need to speak up? It sounds like he was standing up for you which is commendable. Might be worth having a discussion with him especially as you're so close before you go and ban him from the house Hmm

TwinsetBeck · 09/08/2013 15:22

Wasn't being biased at all. Just asked if she would behave in same way. If she would fair enough. Stop trying to create friction where none is intended.

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/08/2013 15:25

MrsTerryPratchett
fairer :)

If your DP had said "fish finger sandwich?" and then come back in with just his own, what would you have done?

You did say "fend for yourself"

BlingLoving · 09/08/2013 15:30

OP, let's put breakfast aside - you've answered that question in terms of saying that you do it to make DP's life easier. Fair enough.

I also think your brother may have had good intentions at heart, but his approach was not appropriate.

However, there are other issues here and I can't help agreeing with the other posters who say this situation sounds a bit strange. Can you answer this question: What happens when you need money for a) household things and b) your own needs? Do you have to ask him every time? Or do you get money? What's the procedure. Because, whether you're working or not, it does rather sound like you have no financial independence or control which is very worrying.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/08/2013 15:30

I wouldn't have been remotely bothered, Boney. Especially since he was well aware that making me a sandwich meant that I would carry on dealing with ill, miserable DD. Had I had to get my own, he would have been knee deep in vomit and diarrhea. Bwahahaha. He definitely knows how to do that husbanding shit well.

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/08/2013 15:31

TwinsetBeck
"Wasn't being biased at all. Just asked if she would behave in same way. If she would fair enough. Stop trying to create friction where none is intended."

So by putting "beg for money"
"made" to ask for money
is not creating friction?

It is a spin that is being put on the OP's posts

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