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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ban him from my home

226 replies

fredas · 09/08/2013 09:11

I've name changed because I know some people on here in real life.

My 19 year old brother has been staying with me, these last few days and we were having a really good time until this morning. I was running a bit late and so I hadn?t got DPs breakfast ready for when he had got out of the shower. So when he came down how asked where his breakfast was, my brother seemed to flip and said why don?t you get yourself you lazy prick, what do you think she is your personal maid.

He then began berating him because I?m currently unemployed so if we need anything I ask DP for the money so I can go and buy it (money is tight) before ranting about how DP is going golfing in Portugal next week because we are not having a holiday together this year.

I'm really shocked at the way he spoke to him. He was being so accusatory and you could hear the hostility in his voice, so I have asked him to leave (he was due to go on Sunday). DP has gone to work but he made no attempt to apoligise to him or me and just insisted that something needed to be said. I really feel like banning him from ever coming back for being so rude, disrespectful and abusive to DP.

OP posts:
Scrounger · 09/08/2013 10:05

I can see that being the sole earner does create more pressure, especially if financial decisions, mortgage / rent / loans / credit cards etc have been made on the basis of two salaries rather than one. We are in a similar position, I've been a SAHM for the past three years (had twins and salary wouldn't cover tax / NI and child care costs) so DH does feel the pressure and whilst my salary isn't as large as his it will relieve the pressure when I go back to work.

However my DH isn't an arse about this, he acknowledges it and then carries on as normal. We have a joint account and I don't have to ask for cash.

I'm with your brother, whilst it may not have come out the right way as he is only 19 and those type of things usually come with age and experience.

DP has gone to work but he made no attempt to apoligise to him or me and just insisted that something needed to be said. I really feel like banning him from ever coming back for being so rude, disrespectful and abusive to DP. Sounds like he was just sticking up for his sister and you are overreacting. Abusive - doesn't sound as though he was abusive. Have a cold hard look at your relationship only you can decide.

ImperialBlether · 09/08/2013 10:05

I don't see anything wrong with the OP making her husband breakfast. I might do the same if my husband was working and I wasn't. That isn't the issue, here, imo.

Your brother had obviously watched your husband while he was staying with you, OP, and didn't like how you were being treated.

Why don't you have a debit card? Why do you have to ask your husband for money?

In every day terms (clothing, money for hobbies etc) does your husband have more to spend than you do?

You say that without the money he brings in, you'd both be in financial trouble. Well yes, obviously! That happens in any family if someone earns more than the other. That doesn't mean their partner shouldn't have a card or cash to do the shopping!

Your brother sounds like he'd absolutely seen enough this morning. I can't say I blame him. He sounds lovely.

StickyProblem · 09/08/2013 10:06

A grown man sticking a bit of toast on for himself is not a "burden", it's just normal.

Sounds like your DH takes it for granted you will run around after him, but you are not allowed equal shares in the family money. That is treating you like a second-class citizen. Your brother could have been more polite and tactful, but you should think about what he's seen as an outside perspective on your marriage.

coffeewineandchocolate · 09/08/2013 10:11

what's your relationship with your db normally like op?

runningforthebusinheels · 09/08/2013 10:16

Nothing wrong with making his breakfast - that's a nice thing to do.

There is everything wrong with him coming down and saying 'where's my breakfast?'.

Talk to your db, op, don't ban him from the house.

Original poster
fredas · 09/08/2013 10:18

coffeewineandchocolate- We are quite close

OP posts:
JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 09/08/2013 10:19

OP - so, now you've read all these responses and 97% of them think your brother was right (with some possible reservations of how he went about it) and you are wrong, what are you going to do???

Cerisier · 09/08/2013 10:21

OP are you embarrassed about what your DB said? Do you think your DH is going to hold it against you that your DB said what he did?

Think carefully what your reaction to your brother's comments really means.

If there was nothing in it you would have laughed it off and told him not to be so ridiculous.

dexter73 · 09/08/2013 10:21

OP - so, now you've read all these responses and 97% of them think your brother was right (with some possible reservations of how he went about it) and you are wrong, what are you going to do???
Probably carry on making her dh breakfast every morning and then having to ask for a few pounds from him, while getting the hump with her brother for his appalling behaviour.

BlackAffronted · 09/08/2013 10:26

Something is really off with the OP and her responses, is this a reverse AIBU?

Crinkle77 · 09/08/2013 10:27

Your brother is right but maybe he went the wrong way about it. But then it all depends on a number of other factors like if your husband expects his breakfast to be ready and what your husbands reaction to your brother will be. Will you get in the neck?

Birdsgottafly · 09/08/2013 10:33

Isn't the OP's brother just another male who thinks his sister, even though she is older and has her own home, cannot make descions for herself? He should apologise as he had no right to start an argument in their home, if he had concerns he should discuss them with the OP, not try to throw his weight around.

That aside, it all depends on how your DH would of reacted to just making himself some toast and why money is organised as it is.

I agree that if the holiday is paid for and your DH needs it, then he should go, as long as if the situation was reversed you would not be expected to cancel.

I quite happily made my DH breakfast and a take out lunch whilst I was a SAHM and when he couldn't work through I'll health he did the same for me.

That is what matters, if there is any compromise on the individual and how this would be if the roles were reversed.

Chocolatepup · 09/08/2013 10:34

Blimey if DH waited for me to make his breakfast he'd starve to death. I've got my own shit to do in the mornings.

Original poster
fredas · 09/08/2013 10:34

JessicaBeatriceFletcher- I don't think that I've accurately represented the situation and so I think some posters have not got the situation. He does behave like a Lord of the land at all, I just try my best to make his life easier for him and its not like I'm short of time at the moment. I agree that I was a bit harsh on my brother as he was well-intentioned (although still rude and disrespectful) even if I don't agree with him at all and so I won't ban him.

OP posts:
LemonPeculiarJones · 09/08/2013 10:38

Your brother sounds ace. He cares about you.

I think he can see things a little clearer than you can, perhaps.

Have a chat with your DP about cancelling his golf holiday - if he can get any of the money back - so you can all have a family break.

OxfordBags · 09/08/2013 10:42

OP, everyone in a family situation where only one partner works (either through choice or circumstance) would be in the shit if the working partner stopped bringing money in. That doesn't then mean that the non-earning partner becomes the skivvy for the earner.

And him working is not a burden. He worked when you worked and it was not a burden. He would be working if he was single and had never met you. It does not magically become a burden because of your working status. And if work does become a burden for a partner, then you do not alleviate it by becoming their servant, you talk and work on it in ways where you are both equal and respected.

What you do in the home allows him to work and not worry or compromise his work. That is a very important form of 'income' you bring to the relationship, even if it not monetary. Doing stuff like decorating is stereotypical 'man chooses single, big job in order to be able to say "look how much I do around the place!"'. You do everything else, which far outstrips his contribution to the home,big jobs and wage included.

If money is tight, how come His Lordship gets a cooked brekkie and a golf holiday, whilst you have to ask for cash for essentials? Forget that the holiday was pre-booked, having to ask for money like that is financial abuse.

I am 100% confident (sadly) that the details you have given us are the tip of a much nastier iceberg regarding how you are treated in your relationship. I imagine that the breakfast thing was just the last straw for a caring brother who couldn't bear to see his lovely sister being treated like shit.

A final point: when someone shines a light on something that we desperately don't want to address, we lash out at them. I think when you call your brother rude, disrespectful and abusive, it is transference - what you really mean is, you are angry at your Oh for being rude, disrespectful and abusive, but your equilibrium currently depends on you denying this to yourself. He sounds appalling, your brother sounds great.

MarysDressSways · 09/08/2013 10:43

I don't blame your brother, I would have done exactly the same in his place I'm afraid.

dufflefluffle · 09/08/2013 10:47

Personally I would hug your brother for having courage to stand up for his sister. Is your husband usually an entitled shit or was this a one off?
What Quint said.
It's probably been building up in your brothers mind - as in, there were probably many incidences where your brother thought you were running around after your dp and the breakfast comment was the last straw!

diddl · 09/08/2013 10:49

Sounds as if your brother was wrong about was commenting on the holiday tbh.

Unless of course that could have been cancelled & refunded!

I don't quite see how OPs husband is a "lazy prick" if he's out working everyday, either-especially if it's OPs choice to get the breakfast & her husband hasn't demanded that it now happens.

He was probably rude to OP-who surely could just have said-I'm doing it don't be so rude!

Money situation is odd imo.

NickyNackyNooNoo · 09/08/2013 10:51

Your brother rocks, you should be thankful he has your best interests at heart.

Stay close to him you may need his support later in your life...

youarewinning · 09/08/2013 10:56

fredes Do you feel guilty that you don't work and bring money into the house?

You posts come across as you wanting to make your DP's life as easy as possible as he is the sole breadwinner atm, and as money is tight and he's the breadwinner you don't sound like you think the money is equally yours?

What your brother said is correct and good for him for standing up for his sister - he obviously loves you.

However, I think you need a good heart to heart with your DP and you need to realise that just because atm you are not bringing in finances that you bring other things to the relationship - and you don't 'owe' your DP anything and you don't need to be his slave.

diddl · 09/08/2013 11:00

It could be that OP feels guilty & that her brother has seen other things.

But on OP alone, her brother does sound rude.

And OP is an adult-she might not want someone "fighting her corner", especially if she thinks it's not necessary!

QuintessentiallyOhDear · 09/08/2013 11:26

"Burden"? Making breakfast? Shock
wtf

CookieLady · 09/08/2013 11:28

You're lucky you have a sibling who gives a shit about you. He only has your best interest at heart.

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/08/2013 11:29

"If money is tight, how come His Lordship gets a cooked brekkie"

unless the op is on bread and water that is not really any sort of argument.

I wonder who has been cooking meals, cleaning up after and driving the brother around?

Unless the brother has been doing all three of these then he has no leg to stand on.