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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ban him from my home

226 replies

fredas · 09/08/2013 09:11

I've name changed because I know some people on here in real life.

My 19 year old brother has been staying with me, these last few days and we were having a really good time until this morning. I was running a bit late and so I hadn?t got DPs breakfast ready for when he had got out of the shower. So when he came down how asked where his breakfast was, my brother seemed to flip and said why don?t you get yourself you lazy prick, what do you think she is your personal maid.

He then began berating him because I?m currently unemployed so if we need anything I ask DP for the money so I can go and buy it (money is tight) before ranting about how DP is going golfing in Portugal next week because we are not having a holiday together this year.

I'm really shocked at the way he spoke to him. He was being so accusatory and you could hear the hostility in his voice, so I have asked him to leave (he was due to go on Sunday). DP has gone to work but he made no attempt to apoligise to him or me and just insisted that something needed to be said. I really feel like banning him from ever coming back for being so rude, disrespectful and abusive to DP.

OP posts:
ClassyAsALannister · 09/08/2013 09:31

It's sad because op will probably abandon the thread and it'll stay as it is, with the brother having to watch his sister stay in this relationship.

Hope my DB would stick up for me if I was in a similar situation and didn't realize...

jacks365 · 09/08/2013 09:31

Ban your dp not your brother you deserve better.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 09/08/2013 09:32

OP - repeating my question of earlier, what does you DP do for YOU in return for you doing his breakfast?

ClassyAsALannister · 09/08/2013 09:33

(btw if you do cut your brother out of your life like that then you'll be losing a valuable family member over your questionably 'D' P. Would you really risk that, especially after all these fairly similar responses by very different women)?

Sarahplane · 09/08/2013 09:34

I'm with your brother. Good on him for standing up for you.

livinginwonderland · 09/08/2013 09:35

Your brother has a point - as an adult, your "D"P is perfectly capabale of getting up and making his own breakfast!

burberryqueen · 09/08/2013 09:35

i wonder if OP is really the brother ....

Original poster
fredas · 09/08/2013 09:35

JessicaBeatriceFletcher- He does do chores around the house eg cutting the grass and he redecorated a room last week etc.

OP posts:
overmydeadbody · 09/08/2013 09:36

What do you make him for breakfasT?

Also, have you read all the replies? What do you think of them?

Justshabbynochic · 09/08/2013 09:36

Have you time travelled from 1955 in order to ask this?

Original poster
fredas · 09/08/2013 09:37

I tend to make him bacon sandwich or scrambled egg on toast for breakfest.

OP posts:
ClassyAsALannister · 09/08/2013 09:37

what does he do for you though? Do you get a break? Do you get to do equally nice things? Does he do daily chores (i.e washing up, laundry, general cleaning)?

missedith01 · 09/08/2013 09:38

Your brother is only 19? He sounds very mature and switched on.

YoureAllABunchOfBastards · 09/08/2013 09:38

Good for your brother!

LooplaLoopy · 09/08/2013 09:38

Seriously?

LooplaLoopy · 09/08/2013 09:38

I hope you don't have daughters :(

MorrisZapp · 09/08/2013 09:38

You sounded articulate and opinionated in your OP, but now we're just getting minimal answers and no opinion on the bigger issue.

How odd.

livinginwonderland · 09/08/2013 09:39

You get up and make him a bacon sandwich or scrambled eggs so he can stay in bed longer?! What? Confused

DontmindifIdo · 09/08/2013 09:40

I'm going to go against the grain and say the holiday sounds reasonable - but only if your DH had already booked and paid for the Golf trip, fully intending to also book a family holiday for you all, then when you were made redundant, I can see it would seem foolish to still book a family holiday for you all if money is tight, yet if the golf holiday is already paid for and you can't get the money back, I wouldn't tell DH that even though it wouldn't make any difference to our finances that he couldn't go just because I now can't go away - would seem a waste just to be 'fair'. (If the golf holiday wasn't paid for before the redundancy or if you could get the money back if he cancelled, then he's being an arse about it)

However, I don't think you should be getting up and making him breakfast every day, why can't he make his own?

Money wise, then perhaps you and DH need use this as a wake up call, it does look odd to an outsider that you have to ask for money for things, I can see how that would happen if you were used to keeping your finances separate, but if he's "keeping" you while you're unemployed, then you need a set budget, and access to money. Outside of that, if you want to go over it, then you'll need to talk it through, but I don't get the impression you're talking about buying big white goods or paying for meals out in Michellin starred restaurants.

It can be hard to have someone else look at your relationship and see that actually, it looks like you are being treated like shit. You might be able to justify each little thing, but overall the picture doesn't look good. It could be that you are feeling guilty about not earning and are being more subservant that you would otherwise be, but you shouldn't feel like that, if you and your DH have a good marriage then it's a partnership, sometimes one side of the partnership will bring in more money than other, sometimes one side will have to work longer hours than the other, doesn't make the other one their staff.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 09/08/2013 09:41

OP, no, cutting the grass, chores and redecorating a room are things that need doing for the house or garden. What does he do FOR YOU?

fluffyraggies · 09/08/2013 09:42

Oh this has to be a reverse AIBU.

OP are you the brother?

It's just that your posts have no ... feeling to them. As if you are indeed just pretending to be in someone else's shoes.

If you are the brother - you were right to stick up for your sister!

Roshbegosh · 09/08/2013 09:42

I think your brother should mind his own. You and DP are happy so he should butt out.

Spottypurse · 09/08/2013 09:43

I'm with your brother. I wish mine had been like him I might have left a bad relationship sooner. Please send him round any time I'd be happy to adopt him as my brother.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 09/08/2013 09:43

Instead of getting angry, why don't you step back and try to see what your brother is seeing. Even talk to him and ask him why he is so angry.
His answer may give you something to think about.

I assume your brother is not a nutter. I assume he is not a thug. I assume he loves you.

Ask yourself why someone who loves you would get angry with someone .

Original poster
fredas · 09/08/2013 09:43

MorrisZapp- I have read the answers and I'm sorry if I'm only responding superficially. I don't agree with them that he is somehow taking advantage of me, as without the money he brings home we would be in severe difficulty (and this must pressure on him) and so anything I can do to make it easier then I will. As I said earlier the Portugal holiday was booked in November last year when I was still working and he wouldn't have done it had we foreseen the future.

OP posts:
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