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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ban him from my home

226 replies

fredas · 09/08/2013 09:11

I've name changed because I know some people on here in real life.

My 19 year old brother has been staying with me, these last few days and we were having a really good time until this morning. I was running a bit late and so I hadn?t got DPs breakfast ready for when he had got out of the shower. So when he came down how asked where his breakfast was, my brother seemed to flip and said why don?t you get yourself you lazy prick, what do you think she is your personal maid.

He then began berating him because I?m currently unemployed so if we need anything I ask DP for the money so I can go and buy it (money is tight) before ranting about how DP is going golfing in Portugal next week because we are not having a holiday together this year.

I'm really shocked at the way he spoke to him. He was being so accusatory and you could hear the hostility in his voice, so I have asked him to leave (he was due to go on Sunday). DP has gone to work but he made no attempt to apoligise to him or me and just insisted that something needed to be said. I really feel like banning him from ever coming back for being so rude, disrespectful and abusive to DP.

OP posts:
JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 09/08/2013 09:44

Roshbegosh - are you the OP's other half?????

ClassyAsALannister · 09/08/2013 09:45

Surely you can't help being made redundant though and are still running the house, so why should you do extra for dp ?

It just reads badly to an outsider.

anklebitersmum · 09/08/2013 09:45

Everyone's relationships work differently.

Personally if my Hubby asked where his breakfast was as usually we got up together and I made it then I wouldn't see it as a big deal and he'd get told 'in the cupboard knobhead' or similar. Someone staying with me, who didn't understand the dynamic might think it was odd though. For the record he brings me tea in bed as I am a troll of epic proportion in the early am

What I do see as an issue is that you are having to ask for money for household things and are not having a holiday this year, whilst he is off on a golfing trip to Portugal.

Your Brother sounds like he has your best interest at heart.

If I was watching my sister ask for money to go shopping and being 'drip fed' not just given the card or a decent amount of cash like an adult I would be internally seething too. Combine that with a golfing holiday (for him, not her) in Portugal next week and a possibly misunderstood "where's breakfast?" he'd be lucky if I didn't pulp him with his own pans. Wink

Talk to your brother. Seems to me he genuinely cares about you.

5inabed · 09/08/2013 09:47

Money is tight yet his lordship can afford a cooked breakfast every day? You are being taken for a ride. My DB probably would have decked my DH if he treated me like that, but he is a good person so wouldn't. You really need to wake up and smell the coffee you are probably running around making for your "D" P.

Whothefuckfarted · 09/08/2013 09:48

How many people need to tell you that YABU before you will consider accepting that your brother was acting in your best interests and didn't like seeing you treated like a skivvy who should be 'grateful' for the fact that your DP provides when you have been made redundant?

TVTonight · 09/08/2013 09:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IBO · 09/08/2013 09:49

It is to make breakfast for DP but it is not ok for him to DEMAND and complain if it is not done..

OP is making funny choises..

PrincessFiorimonde · 09/08/2013 09:50

Yes of course you should ban your brother from your house. How dare he speak to your DP like that?

I'm amazed you only make your partner a measly bacon sandwich or scrambled eggs for breakfast. Why don't you get up earlier and make him the full English every day?

Do you also run his bath and polish his shoes for him?

And I hope you're not expecting your DP to leave you any money to live on while he's on his golfing holiday. That really would be unreasonable!

MoominsYonisAreScary · 09/08/2013 09:51

I agree with your brother

DontmindifIdo · 09/08/2013 09:52

Fredas - did you make him breakfast everyday when you were working too? If not, did he manage to get himself breakfasted and to work on time every day and earn the exact same amount of money?

The talk of pressure on him is a little misleading, has his job changed at all since you stopped working? Has his job got harder or is it just that it's more important he doesn't lose it - was he at risk of losing his job before? did he have the opinion his work didn't matter? I can't see there's any more pressure on him - there's pressure on the family finances, but that doesn't equate to your DH's job being harder or more stressful than it was before.

You might find the 'pressure' is in your head, are you feeling guilty that you aren't working and trying to compensate?

Whothefuckfarted · 09/08/2013 09:53

I like your brother.

MissStrawberry · 09/08/2013 09:53

I think you are looking to ban the wrong man from your home.

Sad

Another thread where the OP posts an opening question and it does not go the way she expected.

ZacharyQuack · 09/08/2013 09:54

Is your brother a MNer?

fluffyraggies · 09/08/2013 09:55

Hang on, hang on.

''I have asked him to leave ... he made no attempt to apoligise to [DH] or me and just insisted that something needed to be said. I really feel like banning him from ever coming back for being so rude, disrespectful and abusive to DP.''

Don't chuck him out on that basis. Yes he probably went about things in an off the cuff manner, but it sounds as if his feelings about the way you are treated have been festering and just got blurted out.

What did your DH say to your DB this morning? Anything?

DontmindifIdo · 09/08/2013 09:55

Plus OP - when you get another job and return to work, do you think your DP's job will suddenly get easier and he'll be able to get his own breakfast?

KitNCaboodle · 09/08/2013 09:56

I don't work and there's no way I'd get up every morning to make my husband breakfast, nor would he expect me to.

I'm with your brother. He's seen behaviour in your DH that he doesn't like and has probably bitten his tongue all he can.

BoozyBear · 09/08/2013 09:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
fredas · 09/08/2013 09:58

I didn't use to make his breakfast when I worked as obviously I had to get ready for work myself but at the moment I don't so I want to ease the burden on him in the morning.

OP posts:
Fairylea · 09/08/2013 10:00

This is a crazy situation.

Your brother is right.

If you are married your finances should be shared and you should have equal spending money. You shouldn't have to "ask" dh for money, even if you are unemployed. You should work out a joint budget, halve whatever money is left between you as spending money regardless of income.

Your brother is looking out for you.

YouTheCat · 09/08/2013 10:01

It's not that you make his breakfast but his entitled 'where's my breakfast?' when it wasn't ready.

Does he always talk to you like that?

Whothefuckfarted · 09/08/2013 10:01

Oh what a burden it must be to get up and sort yourself out for work like you have been doing for so long already!

Wake up OP! Your brother is looking out for you! Talk to him! Nicely

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 09/08/2013 10:01

BURDEN? Getting up in the morning and making a quick breakfast is a BURDEN?

Jesus, this is the twilight zone, isn't it?

Cerisier · 09/08/2013 10:03

I think your brother has your best interests at heart and doesn't like the way he sees you being treated. He should be commended for standing up for you.

Flobbadobs · 09/08/2013 10:04

I work at home and being an early riser anyway am always up before DH. The only time he would ever ask me to make breakfast for him (ask, not expect) is if he's running a bit late and will ask me to stick some toast on for him. He gets a brew because I make us both one at the same time. If he demanded he would get the same response as Anklebiter wrote above.
Your Brother isn't just talking about breakfast IMO, or even the holiday, he's seeing everything from an outsiders perspective and he doesn't like what he sees.
Maybe he was abrupt or rude but I bet this has been building up for a while. You're his sister and he wants you treated well, that's all.
YABU. Talk to him.

namechangeforthispost864269 · 09/08/2013 10:05

you're brother has been with you a few days so he has obviously been seeing the way you are been treated by dp.
he has been upset to the point he snapped

is your brother usually snappy if not id seriously think about what he has seen.

my brother rarely gets annoyed with people if he came to my house for a few days and snapped like this I'd be seriously condidering that maybe I wasn't being treated properly.