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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with my parents

353 replies

embracethemuffintop · 09/08/2013 07:40

When I just had 2DCs I emigrated to Oz with my DH. This was nearly a decade ago. I have since gone on to have 2 more DCs. We don't have a lot of money but we are very happy. 2 DCs have special needs and all are homeschooled.

My DM and DF have tried to visit us every few years but many things have got in the way their end - health usually (they are in their 60s). Anyway, they haven't visited for 3.5 years and have never met my youngest DD. They know we can't afford to take my DCs on so long a flight, and also it would be very traumatic for my DS. I have 2 siblings still in the UK with 5DCs between them, and my DM and DF invited all our families out to Florida for a holiday that they would pay for. A lovely offer, but I refused because I knew my DCs would not do well with the 23 hour flight from Oz. I suggested a halfway point - Las Vegas, Thailand, etc so that none of the kids had to cope with such a long journey. My siblings were very keen but my DM and DF were very miffed that I even suggested it and basically said the offer is for Florida only as that is where my DF has always dreamt of taking us all (they have always loved it there). So we politely declined. Some months later I got an email to say that they are all going to go without us, and that due to the huge expense of the holiday (they are paying for both of my brothers families to fly and the accommodation), they would have to reduce their visits to Australia to see my DCs.

AIBU to think that, considering my parents see their GC every day in the UK and my siblings are very financially well-off and do not need a 'free' holiday, that it is unfair on my DCs for my parents to make such an offer and for my siblings to accept it?

They think that they have every right to go where they want and pay for whoever they want. They also feel that I chose to emigrate so they shouldn't be penalised for that.

OP posts:
WeleaseWodger · 09/08/2013 13:55

You know, it seem that as the oldest, your parents weren't that interested in their grandchildren in the early baby/toddler stages. And that was a factor in your decision to emigrate.

Then, your siblings had more kids. The kids grew, and your parents started to take more interest in all of their grandchildren.

I write all, because they wouldn't bother flying half way across the world to see yours now that they're older, if they didn't bother much to see them when they were young and in the same country.

Maybe there's a bit of regret there? If you didn't emigrate, your parents would have taken a more active interest in your kids as they got older?

There was of course no way of knowing that, but really.... there seems so much more to this than your OP. You seem so baflled that people aren't agreeing with you. There must be a huge backstory that skews things here.

frogspoon · 09/08/2013 14:24

OP: I think YANBU to be upset, but I think YAB a little bit U to expect them to change their plans to suit you.

It's your DP's money, so they get to choose how it is spent. They have decided they want to treat the whole family to Florida. It's a very kind and generous offer. Yes, they could have chosen to go somewhere else to suit you, but that would mean giving up their dream holiday.

You have to bear in mind that when you chose to emigrate it has cost them a large financial burden. You are unable to travel to visit them, due to a combination of finances and your DC's SNs, which has resulted in them paying for expensive flights every few years. They have been the ones changing their lifestyles in order to suit you and your family.

Several people have suggested alternatives e.g. a stopover halfway in California, or taking just your DCs without SNs who would enjoy the experience. Another option might be to take a cruise ship at least some of the way (they go as far as California), it would be much more expensive but it would probably be more suitable for your DCs as it is more open.

beepoff · 09/08/2013 14:53

OP I have to say that I can't imagine your DC are really being punished - I very much doubt they have much if a relationship with your parents anyway. So why are you so bothered?

spotscotch · 09/08/2013 15:44

Just because your DH and his family are being bitchy about the fact that your parents don't visit as often as they do (which makes them pretty arseholic IMO) does not mean to say that your parents are bad people for not visiting as often as your DH's family.

I also still don't get where the 13 hours to Vegas vs 23 hours to Florida thing is coming from either. It's simply just not the case.

NUFC69 · 09/08/2013 17:49

I have friends (now in their 70s) whose son is married and living in Australia. When they first moved out about ten years ago, my friends went to visit them every other year. Now, however, as they are getting older and their health isn't so good, they don't go as often because when they do go they need to travel either business class or first class as it is the only way they can face the journey. Could this be what the Op's parents mean when they say about not going so often?

whois · 09/08/2013 18:11

Like the idea of DH and the two DCs who don't like flying staying home, and OP ad the other two going off on holiday to Florida :-)

Eyesunderarock · 09/08/2013 18:49

You don't see that as depriving two children of a wonderful experience because they have additional needs?
Splitting up the family so the 'normal' children have a holiday and are included and the 'not normal' ones can just stay at home and be excluded. Confused

Hawkmoon269 · 09/08/2013 19:04

I was also going to suggest that you and your 2 dc's who don't mind flying could go.

If that's the option and the only option to see your family then I'd say that anyone who is able to fly goes. Could your other dc major their own minds up about whether or not they want to do a long flight?

I see it as not allowing 2 dc to miss out!

bababababoom · 09/08/2013 20:22

YABU.

Have you considered that your parents might be hurt that you decided not to go? Why should they sacrifice their dream holiday with their family, just because you decided to emigrate? Of course they can go wherever they like and pay for whoever they like, just as you can live wherever you like. It's the choice you've made I'm afraid.

I'm not sure why your ds could cope with a 13 hour flight but not more? It sounds a bit odd to me, that you think it isn't fair that your journey is longer than your siblings? Is this about more than the holiday?

Growlithe · 09/08/2013 20:31

It's like you emigrated, but then were shocked and upset when your folks then ended up closer to your siblings children than yours. What sid you expect would happen?

Spottypurse · 09/08/2013 20:37

I've been thinking about you all day. I'm going to agree with Growlithe. You remind me of my DD when she gets pissed off that we had a fake away when she was on a sleepover. Everyone else's life doesn't stop just because you're away. Other people still get to do what they like.

Spottypurse · 09/08/2013 20:38

TAKE AWAY

Stropzilla · 09/08/2013 20:45

I see why you are upset. YANBU to be disappointed that they haven't taken your DCs needs into consideration fully. However (you knew that was coming ;) ) it does seem as though your attitude is "we live in the perfect holiday destination so why go anywhere else? " They want something different, a luxury and special. YABU to think they shouldn't go anywhere but to you for the rest of their lives. I get what you're saying about meeting halfway but it's not disney. Either wave them off happily or think about 2 legs to the journey. Just because theme parks may not be your child's ideal doesn't mean everyone should miss out. There's more to do in florida than the parks.

MrsKoala · 09/08/2013 21:28

Blimey MN is a contrary place! :) Only a couple of weeks ago i posted 'So upset my parents aren't coming to visit'. It was my disappointment to my parents saying they had decided not to visit me in Canada as it wasn't a holiday destination they fancied going to. Obv there were differences in the reasons etc but it pretty much was a unanimous yanbu.

However, altho my parents changed their mind and are coming now, i did understand that where i live is not everyones cup of tea, it is more expensive than places they'd rather go, and there is a big difference visiting family and going on holiday - and as it was holiday OR visit us they had decided on holiday they would prefer.

I can really see both sides in this. What i think is a bit petulant of your parents OP, is that (as others have pointed out) if they were going to pay for 6 of you to go to Florida, why they don't put that money aside to come and see you the following year. Of course the money may not be the real reason, but as that's what they said in their email i would inquire with them why they can't do that. Prepare yourself tho, you may get a response which is a more honest one than you like - which is they don't want to come to you for another reason.

It isn't unreasonable to be sad and to miss them. But as someone who has also emigrated, i have made the decision to accept any visits are a bonus and i don't expect or anticipate them.

MumnGran · 09/08/2013 21:38

MrsK - I don't think you said They think that they have every right to go where they want and pay for whoever they want. They also feel that I chose to emigrate so they shouldn't be penalised for that

guiltyconscience · 09/08/2013 21:39

I don't think yabu op. If it were me I would be really upset too.Why oh why didn't they offer to pay for you all to come back to the UK to see everyone? I bet everyone would love to see you all. I think you are probably feeling a bit alone over there at the moment and they are all going to be together and you would love to see them all. I think you should tel them all how much you miss them and how much you wish you could see everyone, be honest with them tell them how you feel how much you love and miss them. I think they may think that because you have emigrated you are living in the promised land after all we have going on in the UK with no jobs and no money . Hope you get some nice news soon x

MrsKoala · 09/08/2013 21:46

Yes MumnGran - i think there is petulance on both sides here, probably down to simmering resentments due to visits.

frogspoon · 09/08/2013 21:52

Why oh why didn't they offer to pay for you all to come back to the UK to see everyone?

Because they wanted to go on holiday to Florida, and see their grandchildren experience Disneyland. They didn't want to see their grandchildren in England in the rain.

It is their money, they are entitled to do what they like with it. They offered the OP the opportunity to go, unfortunately she wasn't able to take them up on that offer.

frogspoon · 09/08/2013 21:55

Also I think a flight from OZ to UK is also about 24 hours?

youarewinning · 09/08/2013 22:00

Thing is your 'attitude' is making you sound VU.

However........ I don't get how your DP's can afford to fly all 6 of you to Florida and fund it but cannot fly 2 of them to Oz instead. Confused

I can totally understand why your disappointed embrace, and understand how having children with SN can make you feel isolated at times - but you do need to take a step back and review this situation.

guiltyconscience · 09/08/2013 22:05

You see I don't understand this really, because surely, surely you would want to see your dd and dgc more than you would want to go to Disney?
I mean Disney is lovely but it isn't seeing and kissing and hugging your dd and dgc is it ? I think they are not being very nice or fair to the op .

frogspoon · 09/08/2013 22:08

guilty I don't think it's particularly that they want to actually go disney, but that they want their grandchildren to go to disney, and to share that experience with them.

Maybe it's not what you or I would do, but it's not our money to spend.

guiltyconscience · 09/08/2013 22:18

Well Embrace looks like you did the right thing in emigrating if this is what your family treat you like. Yanbu imho I don't know what to say to comfort you except perhaps your parents will realise what they have done and make amends for it. Good luck Embrace try to concentrate on your lovely family in OZ I just hope your dh's family are really kind to make up for it.

diddl · 09/08/2013 22:24

"if this is what your family treat you like"??

Bloody hell!

Her parents have visited-not for a while due to operations, and have offered a trip to Florida for OP & her family, to which she has said "no thanks"

What the fuck else are they supposed to do?

guiltyconscience · 09/08/2013 22:25

No need to swear at me you rude person.