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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with my parents

353 replies

embracethemuffintop · 09/08/2013 07:40

When I just had 2DCs I emigrated to Oz with my DH. This was nearly a decade ago. I have since gone on to have 2 more DCs. We don't have a lot of money but we are very happy. 2 DCs have special needs and all are homeschooled.

My DM and DF have tried to visit us every few years but many things have got in the way their end - health usually (they are in their 60s). Anyway, they haven't visited for 3.5 years and have never met my youngest DD. They know we can't afford to take my DCs on so long a flight, and also it would be very traumatic for my DS. I have 2 siblings still in the UK with 5DCs between them, and my DM and DF invited all our families out to Florida for a holiday that they would pay for. A lovely offer, but I refused because I knew my DCs would not do well with the 23 hour flight from Oz. I suggested a halfway point - Las Vegas, Thailand, etc so that none of the kids had to cope with such a long journey. My siblings were very keen but my DM and DF were very miffed that I even suggested it and basically said the offer is for Florida only as that is where my DF has always dreamt of taking us all (they have always loved it there). So we politely declined. Some months later I got an email to say that they are all going to go without us, and that due to the huge expense of the holiday (they are paying for both of my brothers families to fly and the accommodation), they would have to reduce their visits to Australia to see my DCs.

AIBU to think that, considering my parents see their GC every day in the UK and my siblings are very financially well-off and do not need a 'free' holiday, that it is unfair on my DCs for my parents to make such an offer and for my siblings to accept it?

They think that they have every right to go where they want and pay for whoever they want. They also feel that I chose to emigrate so they shouldn't be penalised for that.

OP posts:
Spottypurse · 10/08/2013 23:43

You sounded, to me, unhappy and discontented.

But obviously that is not the case.

Growlithe · 10/08/2013 23:44

Oh well then, if you are so happy, why are you moaning about this?

Your UK family have got their own community - each other. This will see your parents through their old age, as your community will see your children through their childhood.

Happy days all round. Just remember these communities are separate because of the distance you decided to put between them.

LondonNinja · 10/08/2013 23:46

From your siblings' perspective, you might be coming across as very 'me, me, me' - and you haven't seen some of your nieces/nephews... Perhaps they're all thinking you're a tad demanding and/or uninterested in their lives.

Either be happy with your much-loved life or do something about missing out on this trip of a lifetime (at least with two of your kids)! Life's short.

Original poster
embracethemuffintop · 10/08/2013 23:47

Bleeding yes we did discuss it and listened to everything they had to say on the matter. Disneyworld doesn't appeal at all to my children, they aren't that keen on theme parks and we have been to many. They don't like flying at all. The two older ones are more interested in seeing the UK and going to London - that is more exciting to them. For them, a long journey may be worth it to do that, so that is why I am now considering taking those who want to go to the UK next year.

I am not being smug, but from their perspective they live in a place that is hot all year round, they can swim all the time, they can visit lots of different theme parks if they wanted (they don't), so Florida has no appeal. What it doesn't have is family but my kids, sadly, don't get excited about seeing their cousins or uncles and aunts because they don't know them. It isn't a draw for them. Sad but true.

OP posts:
sonlypuppyfat · 10/08/2013 23:50

No one can win with you can they

Original poster
embracethemuffintop · 10/08/2013 23:54

London I don't think that can be true. I am the only one who ever phones or emails, they never contact me. I am the only one who bothers with pressies for their kids. They appear very uninterested in my family, and very pissed off still that I left. They haven't really gotten over it I don't think. Whenever I do speak to my DB's they ALWAYS start on about when I am coming back and how much my kids are missing out. As I said before, my DCs were largely ignored when I did live in the UK so I don't agree with this. They are very critical of my choice to emigrate and, quite frankly, it's exhausting.

OP posts:
Growlithe · 10/08/2013 23:56

To be honest, if you were my sister, I wouldn't be arsed either.

Original poster
embracethemuffintop · 11/08/2013 00:01

sonly what do you mean?

Growl Ouch. Why do you say that? Because I emigrated?

OP posts:
springytooty · 11/08/2013 00:01

I don't think you are BU. It looks like the position between you and your parents has become polarised: hurt on both sides? There seems to be a pattern of stand-offs going on?

So there's you in Oz going 'they're not fair!' and there's them in UK going 'they're not fair!' and the battle lines are drawn. I think at the start of your thread you (both sides?) were entrenched in the 'not fair', and maybe OP you weren't in touch with what you really feel about this.

Bottom line is that it has HURT you that they don't appear to be supportive or care - particularly as they have what looks like twisted the knife by saying 'right that's it - we're taking all the others on holiday and because of the expense we won't be seeing your children for a good while'.

OUCH FOR YOU Sad The very thing you have wanted from your parents has been thrown in your face, used to wound you? Families can have an uncanny ability to hit where it hurts the most Sad . Add to this that they seem to be dismissive of the SNs 2 of your children battle with (that hurts). Add to this - and I'm taking my life in my hands here: I'd find it difficult if my parents were well-off and were happy to see me and my family grinding along in need of a bit of help.

Maybe you've been hoping all along that somehow the rejection you - but especially your children - suffered at the beginning (when you had 2 children and your parents 'ignored' them when you were in the UK) was a blip, and you've been hoping for a happy ever after (those of us with fractured families all hope for that imo). This last incident has driven home what appears to be yet more of the same, more rejection - so the hope has been dashed, again Sad . I should imagine that your siblings accepting the holiday - or, accepting your parents' stand - rubs salt in the wound: won't anyone value you and your family? Won't anyone make a stand and stand up for you? Perhaps this is at the bottom of your outrage: that you don't feel valued by your parents or your family. That hurts.

Just a thought: maybe you moved to Oz to 'punish' your parents for not caring for you and your kids? You may not have done it consciously (if, indeed, you did it) but that motive could have been under the surface somewhere? 'right! If they don't value us then we'll bugger off - serves them right'

And maybe , as a family, you all do the 'punishing' thing: 'Right! you've hurt me so I'M GOING TO HURT YOU MORE' etc. Families/people can do this type of thing, get into the habit, don't realise they're doing it; hurt piles on hurt; punishment and counter-punishment.

That's just a guess, anyway. I don't think UABU to hope that the whole family would want you to be happy for them to be happy (or: wouldn't be happy unless you were happy). I don't think UABU to hope that your parents would not enjoy a once in a lifetime family holiday without all the family . (I personally don't think that just because they're paying for it they can dictate: a mean/exacting giver can leave a bad taste - but that's my opinion, clearly not generally shared on here.)

Somebody said upthread that there has to be a huge backstory to skew the picture today. I'm guessing there is a big backstory and there's been a lot of hurt. You hoped they'd step up to the plate once and for all - maybe they're hoping the same? (I really don't know)

Well done for sending them off with your blessing - that must have taken a lot of courage. Maybe it will disarm the stand-offs by coming at it in the opposite spirit.

(I'm just guessing here and I'm sorry for the very long post)

sonlypuppyfat · 11/08/2013 00:01

I don't think any of us has seen her give any valid points to her reasonings, its all just me me me

guiltyconscience · 11/08/2013 00:03

Embrace don't take any notice of ppl saying awful things to you on here my dear really just don't it's a form of bullying imho.

Original poster
embracethemuffintop · 11/08/2013 00:05

Growl

"Oh well then, if you are so happy, why are you moaning about this?
Your UK family have got their own community - each other. This will see your parents through their old age, as your community will see your children through their childhood. Happy days all round."

You are totally right and this is what I need to focus on. My choice. Doesn't stop me missing them though.

OP posts:
Growlithe · 11/08/2013 00:08

No, not because you emigrated. Because your DCs aren't bothered about their cousins. My DCs are bothered about their cousin and his wife and children even though the miles between us mean we hardly ever meet face to face. That's because we talk about them all the time and share pictures and news all the time on Facebook. They are important. My children know the importance of family. Shame on you that yours don't.

springytooty · 11/08/2013 00:09

I am the only one who ever phones or emails, they never contact me. I am the only one who bothers with pressies for their kids. They appear very uninterested in my family...

oh dear Sad Sad Sad

(flogging a dead horse comes to mind Sad )

springytooty · 11/08/2013 00:13

Don't forget you've posted in AIBU. some posters will hack at you for the sake of it - don't swallow their hooks OP.

Original poster
embracethemuffintop · 11/08/2013 00:13

Growl I do all of that and more. I have tried to initiate a once a week Skype for the kids, but my DBs just don't stick with it. I get my kids to write their kids letters, and send them photos and pressies. They get nothing in return. I show them pictures of their cousins on Facebook, and I send pics of us to their cousins. I talk about them but I don't know anything about them because it isn't shared with me. I write emails and letter and I phone them, but they don't want to communicate with me. What more can I do?

OP posts:
sonlypuppyfat · 11/08/2013 00:16

Sorry that is very sad, at least you know that you have tried.

springytooty · 11/08/2013 00:16

Embrace don't take any notice of ppl saying awful things to you on here my dear really just don't it's a form of bullying imho

Let's get specific here: growl and sonly. Not worth your effort my dear.

Growlithe · 11/08/2013 00:16

What it doesn't have is family but my kids, sadly, don't get excited about seeing their cousins or uncles and aunts because they don't know them. It isn't a draw for them. Sad but true.

Obs not trying hard enough.

springytooty · 11/08/2013 00:17

oops! Blush

Original poster
embracethemuffintop · 11/08/2013 00:20

springy thank you soooo much for your thoughtful post - it made me cry. That is pretty much what is going on, and it is so nice to hear that at least one person doesn't think I am an entitled, selfish, terrible daughter/sister for feeling the way I do.

I didn't move to punish my parents, but it did make it easier for me to go because they were so uninterested in my DCs. My DH had always wanted to emigrate but I never thought I could leave my family. When they were so uninterested with my DCs I realised I could do it. They all initially had the view that, 'she'll be back, she won't last there without us'. As the years have gone on they have gotten more and more angry about it. I do think they are punishing me for emigrating. My parents have said many times, 'how could you do that to us'. They do think it is something I DID to them. It's all very sad.

OP posts:
Growlithe · 11/08/2013 00:22

And oh no. Not bullying. Just have DDs aged 9 and 5 whose GPs have all died prematurely. So realise the importance of those grown man's dreams with regards to his GC.

Original poster
embracethemuffintop · 11/08/2013 00:24

Growl I can see why you would feel that way if the GPs have recently died. I am so sorry. I worry about that too, that my DF won't last forever and I will regret this decision.

OP posts:
sonlypuppyfat · 11/08/2013 00:25

Sorry I didn't realize your full story. Please forgive me I hope this has a happier outcome for you.

Original poster
embracethemuffintop · 11/08/2013 00:26

Sonly thanks. I didn't mean to drip feed, actually this thread has been rather therapeutic and making me really think deeply about past/present hurts.

OP posts:
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