To be upset with my parents

[embracethemuffintop]

When I just had 2DCs I emigrated to Oz with my DH. This was nearly a decade ago. I have since gone on to have 2 more DCs. We don't have a lot of money but we are very happy. 2 DCs have special needs and all are homeschooled.

My DM and DF have tried to visit us every few years but many things have got in the way their end - health usually (they are in their 60s). Anyway, they haven't visited for 3.5 years and have never met my youngest DD. They know we can't afford to take my DCs on so long a flight, and also it would be very traumatic for my DS. I have 2 siblings still in the UK with 5DCs between them, and my DM and DF invited all our families out to Florida for a holiday that they would pay for. A lovely offer, but I refused because I knew my DCs would not do well with the 23 hour flight from Oz. I suggested a halfway point - Las Vegas, Thailand, etc so that none of the kids had to cope with such a long journey. My siblings were very keen but my DM and DF were very miffed that I even suggested it and basically said the offer is for Florida only as that is where my DF has always dreamt of taking us all (they have always loved it there). So we politely declined. Some months later I got an email to say that they are all going to go without us, and that due to the huge expense of the holiday (they are paying for both of my brothers families to fly and the accommodation), they would have to reduce their visits to Australia to see my DCs.

AIBU to think that, considering my parents see their GC every day in the UK and my siblings are very financially well-off and do not need a 'free' holiday, that it is unfair on my DCs for my parents to make such an offer and for my siblings to accept it?

They think that they have every right to go where they want and pay for whoever they want. They also feel that I chose to emigrate so they shouldn't be penalised for that.

YABtotallyU

Flight to Vegas, then 4-5 hour internal flight with a nights stop to make it easier.

I'm an expat. Fair enough with no kids, but still. I don't expect my parents to treat me the same as my sister. They are retired, they look after sisters DC 2-3 days a week, and come to visit me 2-3 times a year when they can. They are taking sister and her family on holiday in a few weeks. Did I get jealous, and/or try to make them change the destination so I could go, or even worse, throw my toysout of the pram saying how dare they go somewhere they want, when they could have all come here, as its a tourist place and its good? Dd I get jealous that they're having a family holiday at the time of year they often visit me, so I get one less visit? Did I fuck. What I did was say, are you going again next year? Oh, I can fly to xxxx airport in that country direct, and hire a car and drive there so I can join you all, at my cost, because I want to go.

Does husband get pissed off when he doesn't see his parents or siblings from one year to the next as they can't afford it, but they spend countless thanks on other holidays to other places? No. Because its their choice how to spend their leave and their money. They often go away as a family without us, because WE actually in their eyes, I decided that we would be expats and they hate me for it decided to move abroad and it's out look out. If we wanna see them, we go to them, our cost.

Anyway, nobody (that I've read anyway) has suggested Disney in LA? That would be almost the same holiday but more central for travelling from Australia. Not that I think it's acceptable for the suggestion anyway.

What about any of the points I made about being the SIL on the outside of the family and not liking being on family "territory" and your parents trying to take it out of family places and off to somewhere neutral? Can you see that at all?

Seems to me like you got pissed off with your parents, took the huff and partly used that as some of your justification for moving, and now don't like the consequences.

However often your husbands family come out is irrelevant, but the bitching they are doing is - you need to pull them up on that and have words with your husband and make him understand that has to stop.

And if you let airlines know in advance, a good few have dedicated teams to help families with SNs, some of which include bringing them through different lanes at security (with trained staff better able to reassure etc), a staff member meeting at airport door and staying with you until you're on the plane, things like that (not airlines we've flown with, but I have seen it talked about on MN and on websites of other airlines). If the DCs are familiar with what to expect to see, hear and experience, that makes a HUGE difference to their level of ability to deal with it or not. (I am also thinking of the difference between a recent wedding where we prepared DD against another family event a while back where we didn't - even though there was a lot more hanging around at the wedding, she was far better at managing that than a smaller event some months before because she knew what to expect, and that there would be times she could run around but times she had to be still and quiet etc).

Disney with SNs is good. They believe in letting everyone have the magic - and there is a lot of awareness there of a range of SNs and disabilities. Look at the websites well in advance, know about everyone (and that is EVERYONE, even ultra normal, non-SN, adults!) getting overwhelmed and having meltdowns there, so plan days to structure in plenty of breaks and always remember to keep drinking. You are allowed to bring snacks and drinks to the parks, in small cool bags - just not massive hard cool boxes to feed an army for a week. So you can go to the supermarket, find things your DCs will eat, and bring them with you (in case they won't eat park foods, or as well as plans to eat on -site so you'll always have snacks whenever they're needed in emergencies).

Then again, if you have decided that flying at all is not an option for your family, you will have to accept that this will mean missing out on things. And you cannot expect all the rest of the family to miss out for that reason.

I agree with Spottypurse too about neutral territory - I think that can often be needed in families to allow grown up DCs to get together in harmony. (Although I still think 16 people in a villa next year is going to be madness - including 3 u10s and a load of adults who still act like teenagers drinking all night and not contributing to household duties - we get together often enough in other circumstances for us to know this).

Those of you suggesting Vegas-have you actually been there? It is absolutely not somewhere for a holiday with children, for many many reasons....

But OP, good luck to you-it must be difficult sometimes and really what it comes down to is that you miss your family. So hugs for that x

I think the OP is determined that she is not going to florida that its Vegas or nothing and everyone should do what she wants to do because she is more special than them

Yabu. You chose to move. It's very selfish to change the whole nature of the trip just because it suits you and your part of the family.

My DH and his family often bitch about how lacking mine are for not wanting to be here and it HURTS

If my dh did this with his family, I would be having serious words. He thinks that is acceptable?

its Vegas or nothing

I took the OP's posts to mean that it was "anywhere but Florida" and she plucked Vegas out of the air.

Hmm. I can completely understand why you don't want to go on a long flight with your dc. I wouldn't want to do it either and mine are NT.

However, my parents are expats so I get where your parents are coming from. We do go to see them, but not every year. The last time we went we hadn't been for three years. If they lived in aus, we'd probably have been once or twice in the last 7 years. It is a big trip and your parents are getting on a bit. Even if they weren't, it's still a trip that takes a lot out of you.

Ultimately, I'm afraid I lean towards the opinion that my parents chose to live abroad, and the onus is mainly on them to visit us, even though they didn't even have any kids when they first went and now they have two grandchildren! Therefore in your parents' shoes, I would probably feel a bit pissed off that you chose to emigrate, you never visit them and have shunned their choice of holiday. I know ou have reasons, but it probably still rankles. Your last two sentences of the OP are correct, and I think you either have to make a supreme effort to meet them without them making a hue trek this time or just suck it up.

Support is not a code word for free childcare anywhere apart from MN! I don't know where this ridiculousness comes from.

Support is popping around to see how you are, making you a cup of tea when you're chained to the couch with a b/f baby, holding the baby while you have your first shower for three days, driving you to your six week checkup as you've had a c/s and aren't able to drive yet, a phone call giving you another adult to talk to, doubling up a lasagne and bringing it round, walking down to the park with you, telling you you are doing a great job, coming over in the afternoon when you have a crotchety toddler who will behave beautifully for someone etc etc etc.

Free childcare means free childcare. Support means giving practical and emotional help. No mother can do it on their own as any single parent will tell you!!

I can completely understand why you don't want to go on a long flight with your dc

The OP is willing to go on a long flight with her DC. So long as it arrives somewhere that isn't Florida.

What an absolutely lovely gesture from your parents. Please reconsider all options with regard's to your DC's flying. I'm sure the stress of the flight will be worth it to see them enjoying Disney etc with their cousins.

YABU unreasonable. Your parents have a dream of going to Florida, it's not for you to change the destination. It is like inviting someone out for dinner, only for them to change location and day of week. You just wouldn't do it.

Could you do it with a stop over somewhere? If not the accept that your choice to move to Oz has meant that you are unable to go on this holiday. You also need to consider that as your parents get older they might be unable to visit you, will you then go to them instead?

I'm afraid yabu and really dont want to see this from the other point of view from what you've said so far.

so how about

if you're upset it will be years before you see your dp's why can't you and your dh start a savings account and save what you can so your parents can get out to you sooner...

I've read this thread from start to finish and it seems that your dp's are the ones who have to incur all the costs plus 24 hours+ travel if they want to see you and their dgc which really doesn't seem fair to me to be perfectly honest.

you stated you can't afford to take your children to them, have you ever been back to visit them or is the full financial and travel responsibility of maintaining family relations on your parents shoulders as tbh it comes across that way.

my parents live in a different country and we take it in turn to visit each other if I was expecting my parents to come to me every single time I can certainly say without any doubt I wouldnt be expecting them to do it without my dh and I contributing financially to their flights and their flights wouldn't be
anywhere near as expensive as flights to Australia.

I know you can't afford lots of money but neither can my dh and I and if I wanted my parents to be the ones visiting me every time something would have to give.
I'd feel really resentful if my parents expected me to travel and pay all the costs to see them every year or so, especially if they werent coming to visit me or offered any money towards our flights. no body is made of money but you have to be fair.

my mum isnt in great health but is younger than your parents and a 12 hour flight to see us really takes it out of her its a massive stress on her she is often ill on the first day after travelling.

I know a flight that long is tough on your dc's but it'd not going to be a bloody walk in the park for people in their 60's

if you dont want to go to Florida don't go but if you want to see your parents sooner I think the ball is in your court to contribute to this happening.

if you can't do that either then I'm afraid you'll just have to accept it and move forward.

also your parents probably want to spend the same financially on all of their dc and dgc if they're paying a few thousand every couple if years to see you it may be they feel everyone else deserves that amount of money spent on them too....in the interests of treating you all equally they offered everyone an amazingly generous gift.
you might not want to accept it but I think you resenting your parents siblings and nieces and nephews for spending this tome together is mean.

Embrace - I think you've had a really rough ride on this thread and suspect if you'd posted in a different area, you'd have got a very different response. Try asking the same on the 'living overseas' board, where you'll find lots of expats who are more likely to understand the daily grind of being away from all that is familiar, family and so on. There's currently a thread about how often parents visit - its amazing to see the contrast.

Personally, I don't think a lot of this is about the destination. It's the fact that you can't really afford to travel at the minute, and it's difficult because of your children's needs. Your parents seemingly can afford to travel, and don't appear to have taken your children's additional needs into account at all. This must be very hurtful. Yes, you moved away - but in another life, perhaps your parents would have joined you?

Good luck.

"My DH and his family often bitch about how lacking mine are for not wanting to be here and it HURTS). "

Your husband & his family sound nasty.

His family visit twice a year-do they actually realise that that is way beyond the scope of most people to be able to do?

So you pissed off to Oz when your parents didn't do what you thought they should as regards to GC??

Hi op putting your feelings about your parents to one side, have you considered the wishes ofyour kids without sn?
If your dc with sn would really not enjoy this holiday, flight theme parks ect what about the other two?
I have 5 children aged 21-2 and there are things we do all together and others that we do in smaller groups.
Is that an option for you as a family? Would the non sn children enjoy it without their siblings?
I hope you find a resolution that Suits you all.
Best of luck.

I think you should suggest starting again with your parents. Florida is a dream holiday and they want to share that with their gc - including yours .

Explain to them that youunderstand that and you desperately wish it was possible to take them, explain how much you want them to see your dc and you want to share your family with them. Tell them that you think it is wonderful they get to see dn so much and are able to have such a good relationship with them. Then, once they see you are reasonable and genuinely pleased they are going to be able to do this wonderful holiday for at least some of their family suggest that it would mean an awful lot if they used the money they would have spent including you to fly out to Australia to see your dc.

Don't be passive aggressive, be supportive of them going, be disappointed you can't. Let them understand that they really are important to your family despite the distance.

I

I think you should suggest starting again with your parents. Florida is a dream holiday and they want to share that with their gc - including yours .

Explain to them that youunderstand that and you desperately wish it was possible to take them, explain how much you want them to see your dc and you want to share your family with them. Tell them that you think it is wonderful they get to see dn so much and are able to have such a good relationship with them. Then, once they see you are reasonable and genuinely pleased they are going to be able to do this wonderful holiday for at least some of their family suggest that it would mean an awful lot if they used the money they would have spent including you to fly out to Australia to see your dc.

Don't be passive aggressive, be supportive of them going, be disappointed you can't. Let them understand that they really are important to your family despite the distance.

I suspect they are upset and simply don't understand that this is not a choice you are making but a situation you have no control over.

I do know how you feel, OP

and I know it's harsh, but- could you 1. just try and bite your lip and wave them off cheerily/metaphorically and then 2. go and visit your parents in the UK afterwards, with maybe just two of the dcs, and leave dp with the others?

I know it's not fair, but I do feel you need to make a gesture to your parents/see them very soon, if only to prevent a (bigger?) rift occurring?

(one of the HUUUUGE advantages to HE- and I know this as an ex HEer!- is being able to travel relatively cheaply and out of the peak holiday times)

and what belated said ^^

especially the last line

OP I think people have been very harsh.

I can see where you are coming from. While you have made life choices that mean you are a long way from family it's OK to still feel for your children who are missing out on the sort of close relationship with GPs that your siblings children enjoy. No-one has a crystal ball you didn't know how living so far away would make you feel in the long term and you didn't know 2 of your children would have sn that make flying very difficult.

It's hard to see the rest of the family seemingly getting treated differently by your parents but they aren't really it's just proximity and if you were in the UK things would be different for you - you know this.

I think you know deep down that your parents are trying to be fair in their own way and that they do in fact have every right to spend their money in the way they see fit.

The bit that hurts is their statement that this treat for everyone else will see your children loose out on seeing their GP. I suspect your parents are feeling hurt that you have rejected something that as you say has been a 'dream' of theirs and they have lashed out by saying well we won't come to you then. They probably don't really mean it. Keep communication open, people say stuff they don't really mean when they feel hurt.

YANBU to feel isolated and hurt, the fact your own choices led you to this situation makes no difference to your natural human emotions.

Think again about how you might be able to attempt a compromise and try to tell them how you feel, don't be accusatory just tell them you miss them and you wish your children could see more of them.

Have you actually investigated the flight to Florida?

I know that you've said that your dc didn't enjoy an interstate flight, but I'm wonderig whether a long haulflight may be less traumatic if it's on a larger plane with more space?

It would be worth checking out the difference in aircraft surely?