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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset with my parents

353 replies

embracethemuffintop · 09/08/2013 07:40

When I just had 2DCs I emigrated to Oz with my DH. This was nearly a decade ago. I have since gone on to have 2 more DCs. We don't have a lot of money but we are very happy. 2 DCs have special needs and all are homeschooled.

My DM and DF have tried to visit us every few years but many things have got in the way their end - health usually (they are in their 60s). Anyway, they haven't visited for 3.5 years and have never met my youngest DD. They know we can't afford to take my DCs on so long a flight, and also it would be very traumatic for my DS. I have 2 siblings still in the UK with 5DCs between them, and my DM and DF invited all our families out to Florida for a holiday that they would pay for. A lovely offer, but I refused because I knew my DCs would not do well with the 23 hour flight from Oz. I suggested a halfway point - Las Vegas, Thailand, etc so that none of the kids had to cope with such a long journey. My siblings were very keen but my DM and DF were very miffed that I even suggested it and basically said the offer is for Florida only as that is where my DF has always dreamt of taking us all (they have always loved it there). So we politely declined. Some months later I got an email to say that they are all going to go without us, and that due to the huge expense of the holiday (they are paying for both of my brothers families to fly and the accommodation), they would have to reduce their visits to Australia to see my DCs.

AIBU to think that, considering my parents see their GC every day in the UK and my siblings are very financially well-off and do not need a 'free' holiday, that it is unfair on my DCs for my parents to make such an offer and for my siblings to accept it?

They think that they have every right to go where they want and pay for whoever they want. They also feel that I chose to emigrate so they shouldn't be penalised for that.

OP posts:
nauticant · 09/08/2013 22:26

Give the OP some time frogspoon* and we'll find out that Oz to UK is 10 hours less than Oz to Vegas, which is 10 hours less than Oz to Florida.

On some wine, frogspoon* is a rather amusing username.

frogspoon · 09/08/2013 22:29

On some wine, frogspoon is a rather amusing username.

Thanks, nauticant is an amusing username even when not on wine

MelanieCheeks · 09/08/2013 22:37

Are there really flights that last 23 hours? When I visited oz from the uk it was with a stopover in Japan. And most other flights of that distance I know of have a stopover somewhere.

If the flights are the issue, then offering to fly the op and family back to uk isn't really an option.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 09/08/2013 23:27

Op - have your parents retired in the last 10 years ie since you emigrated? This may be why they are a lot more willing to help with siblings children than with yours.

My dad retired in Fevruary and I have dd (3) and ds (10 weeks). They have visited a lot more in the first 2 months of Ds's life than they did in the first 2 months of dd's life - just because they have more time.

SconeInSixtySeconds · 10/08/2013 13:15

Melanie, the worst one I had was a 1hr refuelling stopover in Singapore. That was mega shit.

embrace it is the breaks when you move overseas unfortunately, and if you felt their lack of support led to an easy move over there then you can't really be surprised that they are acting like this now.

I do think it is really sad that you can't try to make it, perhaps not even for them but for your children. It will be hard to explain this to them when they are older and they may judge you as harshly as some on this thread over your decision not to go. (Because lord knows teenagers judge harshly no matter what provocation they are given)

I am pretty sure I know where you are in oz (gc?) and those theme parks are in no way comparable with orlando, sorry. They compare poorly with even UK theme parks. My dc didn't really enjoy them and yet they are desperate to go to Disneyworld, your dc may well be the same.

cory · 10/08/2013 13:27

I emigrated and I often miss my family.

But I also accept that by emigrating I could not make a unilateral decision to the effect that their spare money now has to be earmarked for trips to the UK; they didn't tell me to move there.

I also accept that as they grow old and frail, they will miss out on some of the support that they could reasonably have expected from me as their child and that this burden will now fall on my siblings instead.

embracethemuffintop · 10/08/2013 21:27

Thanks very much for all the responses. I have really done a lot of soul searching about this over the past few days. Clearly I had no right to express my upset to my DPs about taking everyone on holiday. I think I have hugely underestimated the draw of Florida for all of them ( I don't really get that but then I don't have to).

We had already discussed the offer at length with all the children and they don't want to go. I know my Dad really wants this, but I won't put the dream of a grown man ahead of my children.

I have now told my DPs that I am really happy for them and that Dad gets his chance to live his dream, and I hope they all have a fantastic time together.

OP posts:
SarahAndFuck · 10/08/2013 22:02

I think you have been unreasonable OP, sorry.

Your parents sound like they have done their best over the years to come out and see you. Something you have been unable to do in return, so the onus for visiting, both financially and in terms of cost to time and health, has fallen solely on your parents.

And now their own health seems to have stopped them from being able to make a long-haul flight to Australia quite so often, they have generously offered to pay for their entire family to have a trip of a lifetime to Florida and because it doesn't suit you, even though you do have good reasons for that, you are complaining because "they think that they have every right to go where they want and pay for whoever they want."

Which they do, they absolutely do, and that doesn't make them unreasonable. And I think it's that sentence from you that has lost you a lot of sympathy you might otherwise have had on here. They are doing a kind, generous thing and they have every right to do it even if it doesn't suit what you would like them to do.

I understand that you are hurt and would like all the family to come to you, but that would be a greater expense and a longer flight for everyone else.

I might be wrong but a quick google has just said that UK to Florida is 9 hours while UK to Thailand is 17, so you are asking everyone else to double their flying time to cut yours down. Again, I understand you have good reasons, but it's not you organising and paying for this and you want their eleven people to do this rather than your six people.

"They also feel that I chose to emigrate so they shouldn't be penalised for that."

Unfortunately this is true. We have relatives recently emigrated to Australia. There are six of them, the children aged between six and eleven, so it won't be cheap or easy for them to fly back.

So far the only relatives who has been able to afford the time and money to visit them is single and childless, for the rest of us it's looking like an impossible dream at the moment.

They made their decision and they don't regret it, but the onus should not be on the rest of the family to sacrifice their own dreams and plans in order to visit. They understood that when they moved their children away from grandparents, aunts and cousins and accepting that has been hard and sad for everyone.

They made you the same offer as they made everyone else. The fact that your location is further away is down to your own decision and no, they shouldn't be penalised for it. You have declined, which is absolutely your right if you feel it's best for your children but they have continued with their one-off long-term dream, which is absolutely their right.

YANBU to feel upset that you won't see them this time, but YABU to be upset with them for continuing with a plan that they wanted to include you in, even though you have good reasons for feeling unable to take up the offer.

Your DP and his family are being unreasonable and rude to make critical comments about how often your family visit. The next time they start that you would not be unreasonable to tell them to piss off.

I'm glad you seem to have made peace with your feelings about the Florida holiday.

EagleRiderDirk · 10/08/2013 22:29

embrace I have to say well done. There's been some harsh criticism here which you appear to have taken on board. You have done very well to ignore their possible tit for tat comment about not coming to see you and your kids so often now. I can't imagine they wouldn't really, I think your DPs are just angry that their dream has been broken a bit.

I have GPs who are from another country. The different country in itself isn't an issue because my younger cousin has a wonderful relationship with them but because they're arseholes who picked favourite kids and grandkids my lot didn't get a look in (despite the fact younger cousin and us live in the same small town). This didn't affect us adversely until we realised it wasn't distance that kept us apart. We're not on the other side of the world from them, but your kids will probably need never know nor bother about this argument.

Dayshiftdoris · 10/08/2013 22:50

OP will never ever win prizes for geography - can everyone just accept that and move on GrinGrinGrinGrin

Anyway - for what it's worth I have put my child with ASD through stuff I know he doesn't like after similar negotiations with my family have failed.

I now just don't go - its much easier but it bloody grates that they can't make an effort! We are all in the UK, less than 1hour away and all I ask is we plan in advance Hmm

Some people will never ever see the context in which you survive through the days - juggling needs against opportunities.

Whilst you are not wrong to think / feel it you might be wrong to act on it - which you haven't - you are a better woman than me OP - I am a right miserable cow Grin

SofiaVagueara · 10/08/2013 22:55

I'm not sure your kids can really say with any certainty whether they want to go or not. I think partly they would be picking up on the fact you didn't want to go and are just going along with you. But also, they've never been on a proper holiday, they've never flown so how would they know if they would like it or not when they've never done it?

I think you should in future at least consider traveling with them. You're saying it would be a problem but if you've never even tried how can you be sure?

embracethemuffintop · 10/08/2013 23:11

Sofia They have flown interstate and they HATED it. We were 'that family' on there and I felt so sorry for my DCs and for the other people on that flight that had to listen to it. I swore then never again!
Day Yes my geography is shocking Blush and thanks for the understanding.

OP posts:
LondonNinja · 10/08/2013 23:14

Gosh, you say you are happy for them but you don't sound it. You sound so bitter.

I can understand you being disappointed, but this is really OTT.

embracethemuffintop · 10/08/2013 23:17

As a family, we are discussing the possibility of me travelling with two of the DCs next year back to the UK, and my DH staying here with the other two. We have a home business as well that is difficult to leave so that would solve that problem. It would be sooooo hard for me to apart from two of my children even for a few weeks, but it may be the best option.

OP posts:
LondonNinja · 10/08/2013 23:20

I hope you work it out. They're probably gutted you can't go - but maybe finding it hard to show (perhaps they don't want you to feel pressured).

sonlypuppyfat · 10/08/2013 23:20

Of course it would be hard to leave them but it would be a wonderful opertunity for your other children

EagleRiderDirk · 10/08/2013 23:26

tbh without googling I would never have known the difference. My DM has a fear of flying so when my DF was working out in Canada and wanted DM to visit he came upon the idea of going to New York, then on to Canada. New York was too far so they compromised at Boston. I have to say I though WTAF? But it turned out there was a 1.5-2hr difference in flight length, something to do with flight paths not always being direct.

EagleRiderDirk · 10/08/2013 23:26

This was from London btw.

Growlithe · 10/08/2013 23:27

You sound like you have made a very insular life for yourselves. Across the world from your families, home schooling, home business, deciding not to try travelling again, to not try again with experiences that didn't work the first time.

That's fine if it works for your little family. But you can't expect the extended family to fall in.

You should also think about when the DCs grow up and the dynamic changes.

Spottypurse · 10/08/2013 23:28

You sound desperately unhappy.

TheBleedinObvious · 10/08/2013 23:35

Yabu

And yabu to refuse that holiday! It is so sad that your dc are missing out because you think a 23 hour flight is so much worse than the 13 hour flight you were prepared to do. I have flown a lot and in reality any flight longer than 10 hours is a 'long flight" especially with dc, but just prepare for it.

That holiday would be amazing. It sounds like you refused the holiday, while secretly hoping they would change the destination for you, but I understand why they didnt! They are retirees who are living out their holiday dreams and floriada is a fantastic destination for families.

If you are sure you cannot change your mind and ask if you can go, and go with good grace, then you will have to live with it.

It is pretty entitled to expect a visit from them every couple of years when you never reciprocate anyway.

I understand the dc with special needs is a barrier to your travel, but there are 2 parents, so why don't you just take the dc without special needs and and leave the dc with sn at home with dh?

embracethemuffintop · 10/08/2013 23:37

spottypurse 'you sound desperately unhappy'

Do I? I am unhappy about this current situation, yes, but I am not at all unhappy with my life if that's what you mean. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE where we live, I LOVE homeschooling, and I don't have an insular life at all. Me and the children have lots and lots of friends. The homeschool community in Oz is huge. I do miss my family a lot, and I am very sad I haven't seen my brothers in so long and met some of their children. There are times when the distance really hits hard, like when I had a baby as I was so sad to not have my family around. Or when the kids have been really ill and there has been no family support - plenty of friends around but no family. Those time are hard, but it is still worth it to us to live where we do because, overall, we are happiest here.

OP posts:
TheBleedinObvious · 10/08/2013 23:40

When you say you discussed it with the dc, did you discuss it in an unbiased way? I am astounded that children are not excited about a big holiday to see cousins, grandparents and disneyworld? Shock

embracethemuffintop · 10/08/2013 23:41

Bleeding None of the DCs want to go there.

As I said upthread, I am considering the possibility of travelling to the UK next year with two of the DCs.

OP posts:
TheBleedinObvious · 10/08/2013 23:42

You mention taking 2 dc back to the uk on your own. Why can't you take the same 2 dc to Florida on your own?

I think it is very sad they have to miss out on this holiday.