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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to ask my dh to stop making us look like we're trashy

251 replies

Doubtfuldaphne · 08/08/2013 21:04

Just moved to a very quiet village in a street with rows of cottages. All you can hear is sheep in the distance, maybe the odd church bell.
I'm quite a quiet person anyway and although my two young children can be noisy, they're in bed by 8.
My dh on the other hand, likes to play his music in the garage while he's
'Sorting it out' with main garage door open in to the street. It's not really really loud but its louder than I feel comfortable with! I've told him before about this and its caused stupid arguments. He can't see what my problem is. I don't like the way as soon as we move in, I feel everyone else's peace and quiet is possibly being ruined by this. I just don't get why the garage door has to be open, making it easier for everyone to hear
The music and see what he's up to in there and people can see all our stuff! (Just moved so a lot of our belongings are in there)
He's also taken to sitting on the wall outside our house with a pint. This embarrasses me. Why?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 09/08/2013 13:51

I agree with ilovemyself Just talk to the neighbours. If the music is deemed too loud I'd be wanting him to be more considerate. The other things wouldn't bother me, and I'm rather amused by some of the comments about him sitting outside and having a pint.

I think it's interesting that he seems to be outgoing and friendly and the OP hasn't answered nmy question about whether she introduced herself to the neighbours in a similarly friendly way.

It seems to me from what the OP says that her husband is getting a bit impatient with what he perceives as controlling, over anxious behaviour. We can't tell whether he has any justification for feeling this way and from what the OP has told us I think it's a bit premature to dismiss him as "the neighbour from hell". The OP has indicated the music wasn't on at full blast but it seemed too loud to her. We don't know how loud it is in practice.

However she does seem very wound up about it all to me. She seems very, very concerned with how she's perceived by others. I'd also be a little concerned by the situation/perceptions of anyone thinking of sending an anonymous letter to her husband in order to address the issue.

Ilovemyself · 09/08/2013 14:00

Ilovesooty. That's what I meant, but you put it so much better lol

marciaoverstrand · 09/08/2013 14:08

I wouldn't want him as my neighbour, he sounds like an overgrown schoolboy and your neighbours probably think he's a bit of an idiot tbh.
You sound like a nice person though, he should listen to you moreSmile

TSSDNCOP · 09/08/2013 14:09

Beast I'm in your bracket , the old ears aren't what they used to be is all I'm saying Wink

Ilovemyself · 09/08/2013 14:16

Marciaoverstrand. You base your liking of the OP on what she has said and nothing else. She sounds like she could be getting wound up over nothing. How do you know her perception of what is loud is correct. If the neighbours haven't been approached how does she actually know they have a problem?

And as ilovesooty said, the thought of sending an anonymous letter sounds like she is not thinking quite straight.

ilovesooty · 09/08/2013 14:22

Thanks [ilovemyself]

He sounds a friendly chap to me - he went and introduced himself to the neighbours straightaway, yet people are describing him as "not wanting to fit in". It's the OP who has given no indication of any attempt to interact with them, judged them to be "snobs" and is now worrying about her husband's behaviour in the context of that judgement and he seemingly very acute concerns about how the family is perceived.

As I said if the music is deemed by the neighbours to be a disturbance he needs to tone it down. I think after 9 at night sounds a bit late. But until the OP finds out her neighbour's stance instead of obsessing about her own perception nothing is going to improve.

ilovesooty · 09/08/2013 14:23

How do you know her perception of what is loud is correct. If the neighbours haven't been approached how does she actually know they have a problem?

Exactly.

ilovesooty · 09/08/2013 14:27

It's not really really loud but its louder than I feel comfortable with!

From the OP. It's all about her; not about the neighbours.

Yet some of you are prepared to say he's "the neighbour from hell" when even the OP says it isn't really loud, and none of the neighbours have raised the issue?

If the neighbours are asked, they say it's too loud and he doesn't modify his behaviour it might be time to start making judgements like that.

Footface · 09/08/2013 15:25

I was already to tell you you were bu, until you mentioned the alarm clocks from pink floyd. That has to be the worst piece if music to have to listen to! It's not music it's just noise.

So for that song alone your dh is unreasonable

Ilovemyself · 09/08/2013 15:39

That's a well balanced reason footface

Beastofburden · 09/08/2013 15:39

Ilovesooty,it was theOP who suggested the anonymous letter, agree it is a very bad idea.

Tssdnetc, :)

SirChenjin · 09/08/2013 16:52

Radical thought here - how about not putting the neighbours on the spot by asking them if they find the noise too loud, and just turn it down? Generally speaking, if you play music outside consistently it will start to grate on someone.

ilovesooty · 09/08/2013 16:54

Ilovesooty,it was theOP who suggested the anonymous letter

Yes, I know, beastofburden - I might not have expressed myself very clearly. I think it's not just a bad idea: quite frankly I think it's bizarre.

ilovesooty · 09/08/2013 16:58

SirChenjin* you seem in the last part of your post to be saying he should turn it off completely.

If you're suggesting he turns it down, we have no way of knowing from the OP's account how loud it actually is.

SirChenjin · 09/08/2013 17:06

I don't 'seem' to be saying ilove - I am saying, and have said the same upthread. No-one should be imposing their choice of music on their neighbours on anything more than an occasional basis at low level - the OP lives in a quiet village, quiet enough to hear the sheep (and now her DHs music of course).

And, of course, there is the issue of not acquiescing to his wife's polite request to turn off his music...

ilovesooty · 09/08/2013 17:23

No-one should be imposing their choice of music on their neighbours on anything more than an occasional basis at low level

Sounds reasonable.

And, of course, there is the issue of not acquiescing to his wife's polite request to turn off his music...

Now we don't know that there's been "a polite request". In her OP she says "I've told him before about this" and later she mentions turning the music down while he turns it up again. That's game playing (on both their parts) and there doesn't seem to be much positive communication going on all round.

SirChenjin · 09/08/2013 17:29

No, we don't know for sure that it's been a polite request - but I would guess that she probably did what most of us do and asked him politely to start with. He's dug his heels in - being a musician as well he quotes the musicians union guidelines saying 'there's nothing they can do. You're allowed until 11pm', and has continued to do so, despite being well aware of both the OPs feelings on the matter, the fact that it's a noise which he feels is justified until 11pm, that the neighbours can do nothing about it from a legal POV, and refuses to wear headphones. He's sticking 2 fingers up at quite a few people, isn't he?

I know who I think is being the most unreasonable (hint: it's not the OP)

Ilovemyself · 09/08/2013 17:31

SirChenjin. Life I all about give and take. Perhaps the neighbours do not hear his music and this issue is something the op is worrying about needlessly so there is no need for the volume level to change. Or perhaps there is. I wonder if the OP means it can be heard outside of the garage, rather than outside of the property. M

What the othe ILove is saying, and others can't seem to grasp is that perhaps the only issue is how the OP considers others view her ( a point which she does not appear to know)

Ilovemyself · 09/08/2013 17:34

It's a shame we never see the other persons pov on here. I do wonder how many of these questions are either loaded or just a complete load of twaddle ( not that I am saying the OP's is)

Perhaps we may then get a balanced view of the situation

SirChenjin · 09/08/2013 17:39

Give and take usually translates as - you take what I give.

Perhaps the neighbours don't give a shit, but it's always better to err on the side of caution, esp. when you are making a noise that can easily be silenced with a pair of wireless headphones. That way, he can still move about freely, listen to his music, and not run the risk of anyone being disturbed in any way by his choice of music.

Seem reasonable?

ilovesooty · 09/08/2013 17:47

What the othe ILove is saying, and others can't seem to grasp is that perhaps the only issue is how the OP considers others view her ( a point which she does not appear to know)

Spot on: thanks!

Beastofburden · 09/08/2013 17:48

Ilovesooty, I think that the starting point ought to be, whatever is normal among the people who were living somewhere before you got there. In this case, we know that other people in the village don't play music loud enough to carry outside their own homes. It's a reasonable starting point, to assume that they don't like it.

I have noticed before on MN that there are many people for whom loud music is not distressing at all, and they can imagine that neighbours might not mind it, or might even quite like it. And there is a second camp for whom it is a given that hearing other people's music is always miserable.
I think the if you are naturally in the first group, you feel people in the second are over reacting. And if you are in the second, you can't imagine anyone wanting to hear music from next door, so you feel others are scarily selfish. The first camp tend to be extroverts who are not phased by asking others to turn down their music, and the second are introverts for whom that is a further scary thing.

I'm personally in the second camp, but I recognise that both camps do exist, and that people genuinely perceive loud music differently from the way I do.

That said, I think more first campers ought to look around them before they start up the music, and assume that if they are the only people playing loud music, it means they are almost certainly disturbing others.

Ilovemyself · 09/08/2013 17:49

It's reasonable if he does all the taking and not giving. What I am saying is that is there really a problem or is it just perceived as one by the OP.

My neighbours are constantly checking that they are not disturbing us, yet we never hear a peep out of them. I hope they are not treading on eggshells, and have let them know not to worry.

If his music is not too loud to the neighbours why should he have to wear headphones?

Now if the Op hasn't mentioned the issue with him drinking outside I may have been a bit more sympathetic to her cause but it does seen like she is being a bit of a Mrs Bucket (it's pronounced Bouquet don't you know)

Beastofburden · 09/08/2013 17:52

Well iLove, I do agree with you on the drinking outside red herring, and indeed to title of the thread... Trashy isn't something I would worry about.

ilovesooty · 09/08/2013 18:03

I certainly think it's reasonable to be sensitive to and to take your cue from what seems the perceived norm when you move into an area.

I also accept that some people don't like raising issues with the neighbours. I do, however, find it difficult to imagine that given he introduced himself early on and is known to them that we have a whole village suffering in silence not daring to raise any concerns. This leads me to think it's not the problem that the OP has painted and it is largely within her perceptions and a result of her anxiety about what others might be thinking of the family.

I'm also still interested in the fact that her husband introduced himself straight away and made positive overtures. The OP seemingly didn't and has decided the neighbours ae all "snobs" and therefore must be judging the family as "trashy".

I'm inclined to wonder if the person with the biggest problem is the OP.

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