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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to ask my dh to stop making us look like we're trashy

251 replies

Doubtfuldaphne · 08/08/2013 21:04

Just moved to a very quiet village in a street with rows of cottages. All you can hear is sheep in the distance, maybe the odd church bell.
I'm quite a quiet person anyway and although my two young children can be noisy, they're in bed by 8.
My dh on the other hand, likes to play his music in the garage while he's
'Sorting it out' with main garage door open in to the street. It's not really really loud but its louder than I feel comfortable with! I've told him before about this and its caused stupid arguments. He can't see what my problem is. I don't like the way as soon as we move in, I feel everyone else's peace and quiet is possibly being ruined by this. I just don't get why the garage door has to be open, making it easier for everyone to hear
The music and see what he's up to in there and people can see all our stuff! (Just moved so a lot of our belongings are in there)
He's also taken to sitting on the wall outside our house with a pint. This embarrasses me. Why?

OP posts:
Beastofburden · 09/08/2013 18:06

ILove, I wouldn't disagree with you that the focus on trashy wouldn't be my main concern. I suppose as so often happens, we have wandered off thread onto the more general issue of noise and so forth. Be interested to hear what happens at the housewarming!

SirChenjin · 09/08/2013 18:12

Exactly - sensitive to the perceived norm.

So, given that the norm is a silent village, with the only noise coming from the sheep and occasional church bell then the OPs music is not the norm - ergo, as an incomer he should be sensitive to that and take every step possible to continue the norm which existed prior to his arrival. Wireless headphones would enable that, whereas shrugging his shoulders and claiming that it's his entitlement to play music until 11pm and there's nothing the neighbours can do about it indicates he doesn't give a flying fuck whether or not he's disturbing anyone Sad

Ilovemyself · 09/08/2013 18:23

So .Sirchenjin. He is not to listen to music without headphones.

You still have not accepted that the OP may be putting the discussion in a light to suit her POV.

Here partner may be not causing a nuisence and the noise may not be heard in other properties. It appears to be her perception that this is the case but she has nothing to back this up.

Also, try looking at things from the other viewpoint. Perhs her partner has said that he can play his music when he wants because he is exacerbated by her nurosis that her snobby neighbours think she is trashy.

MistressDeeCee · 09/08/2013 18:34

I love music too & hate listening thru earphones. I play indoors, & not with door open. Neighbours across the road are nice enough to me but they ALWAYS open their door wide when playing music - when not playing music, its closed. Yes it gets on people's nerves, a couple of neighbours have now complained only to be told to eff off. The musicheads are 2 youngish guys, I cant imagine everyone would feel able to just bravely saunter over and confront them.

Some people find it hard to confront anyone at all, doesnt mean because they dont say anything, theyre happy with uncalled for noise. My road is very quiet. I dont mind music at all, just not so loud & keep the door closed...be considerate

Its just ignorant to move onto a very quiet road and then arrogantly decide well, like it or not, quiet or not, everyone's going to hear my music every day. The OP must have been anxious about this for a while, and this has led her to post...she lives the noise, so she knows it.

I hope he is spoken to by a neighbour, you can bet a good few are offended by the noise and he will know about it eventually.

SirChenjin · 09/08/2013 18:38

What MistressDeeCee said

He can listen to music without headphones when it's not in the evening, up to 11pm, outside, where he might be annoying other people. Not everyone feels confident or comfortable enough to confront their neigbours - but more importantly, nor should they have to. It's what makes a naice area a naice area.

HoikyPoiky · 09/08/2013 18:52

UK Government Noise Legislation advice

There is nothing in any noise legislation or Codes Of Practise that says it is ok to play music until 11pm. That is not how noise legislation works. There are lots of things to consider such as frequency, time, background noise levels etc. There is no set decibel level either.

ilovesooty · 09/08/2013 19:09

It is still possible that he isn't causing any concern to the neighbours. The only evidence that he might be inconveniencing them comes from the OP's perceptions.It's also, as ilovemyself said, quite possible that he reacted in exasperation to her anxious obsession about the neighbours - neighbours to whom it appears that , unlike her husband, she hasn't even taken the trouble to introduce herself.

If she hadn't mentioned the word trashy, that the neighbours are snobs, the drink outside and the open garage door I might be more inclined to feel that her perceptions were believable and balanced.

She also mentions moving house frequently before. I'm wondering why that was.

ilovesooty · 09/08/2013 19:10

It's also, as ilovemyself said, quite possible that he reacted in exasperation to her anxious obsession about the neighbours - neighbours to whom it appears that , unlike her husband, she hasn't even taken the trouble to introduce herself - think of the family.

Sorry: I got lost during that sentence.

Ilovemyself · 09/08/2013 19:28

MistressDeeCee. How can you bet a few of the neighbours are upset by the noise? It is only his wife's perception that leads you to that comment.

But the OP puts in other variables that show that her view may be based not on fact, but her view of what people MAY think of her.

Just because he listens to to music with the garage door open and it can be heard outside the garage doesn't mean it can be heard by the neighbours.

The OP herself said that it wasn't really that loud. And we are asking about adults here. If the neighbours are approached with a sympathetic view of him not wanting to upset them so is his music too loud (with the offer to turn it down if it is) there is no reason why they shouldn't give their point of view to him.

I have to say that I feel the OP is the one with the real chip on her shoulder, and that she does have issues with her neighbours just by the way she speaks about them. And to think of putting an anonymous note through the door and say it was the neighbours really does sound like this is becoming an obsession with her and that she will end up being unable to think about it rationally

MistressDeeCee · 09/08/2013 20:34

Why cant I 'bet?'. If youre playing music at that time Im sorry, not all your neighbours are going to be thrilled to listening to YOUR choice of music. eg the musicheads across the road from me - I dont like listening to their music. At all. Its way too loud. Theyre not going to care if I or anyone else around likes it or not; theyll play loud music because they want to, as if its their godgiven right to inflict their choice on everybody else. & thats that.

The OP might not have used perfect language to describe her neighbours but if she's on a sleepy village street no noise whatsoever and feels the music is too loud even just for her, then that alone is reason to feel uncomfortable. I cant imagine my OH wanting me to turn music down a little or vice versa, and it causing angst. Its about consideration.

Her OH can play his music with the door shut - its still going to be at same volume, isnt it...? Doesnt sound as if she doesnt want him to play music at all..if she did, Id call THAT a (possible) chip on her shoulder. & noise does make people irrational - its beyond annoying to live with if its not your thing

Ilovemyself · 09/08/2013 20:37

MistressDeeCee. It's simple. There is no proof he IS upsetting the neighbours or indeed they can hear his music. Simples.....

CorrineFoxworth · 09/08/2013 21:18

I am thinking of going to bed and leaving on a loop in the garden for my "music"-loving neighbours.

differentnameforthis · 11/08/2013 11:24

God your [sic] snobby

So it is snobby now not to want to disturb the neighbours with your loud music? I call it considerate & wish all people were like this the majority of the time.

differentnameforthis · 11/08/2013 11:41

Why does it matter what the music was? Anything is annoying if you are forced to listen to it at volume until 11pm. My neighbour played GnR (one of my all time favourites) as loud as he possible could at all times during the day (once at 6.30am) & I rang the police (they will come out over here & deal with it).

Did this a few times & finally he has got the point that he was being a wanker. Not to mention that the the police will take his stereo if they get too many calls to the same property & will contact his landlord)

My point is, even though it was one of my favourite bands, I didn't want to listen to it as loud as possible while relaxing in my garden/waking up/watching tv in the evening.

Other people's excessive noise annoys me. It is downright in considerate that everyone should have to suffer because some twit think he/she is entitled to play his noise at ear splitting volume.

frostyfingers · 11/08/2013 14:31

I had a major run in with neighbours about loud music - we lived on a very quiet no through road in the middle of nowhere with a cluster of about 4 houses spread over 1/4 mile. I could hear his music loud and clear on a Sunday morning and walked up the lane to ask if he could turn it down just a bit (not off, just down). He went mad "I work all week, it's the only time I get to relax, it's my property I can do what I want, you're all snobby and don't want people like us here" and then he followed me back down to my house with his girlfriend walking behind him saying "it's not that loud, I can't hear it" behind me and right into my garden. It went on and on and he was really threatening and it was truly horrible.

He went home after another 5 minutes of ranting at me and turned his music down - it stayed down for the rest of the time we lived there, which was fine. It was a total over reaction to a reasonable request and I avoided him at all costs after that. So, OP, I couldn't care less if your DP sits on a wall having a drink, but I would go mad if the music were audible from a distance.

funnymummyspeaks · 11/08/2013 20:18

Just told my DH about this thread and he's asking if he can come over and join your DH on the wall, drinking beer and listening to Tom Waits and Pink Floyd!!! Grin

BathingBelle · 11/08/2013 20:49

AC/DC out of a garage in the evenings where hitherto was heard only the sheep and church bells?

He's lucky nobody's taken a shotgun to him.

Roshbegosh · 11/08/2013 22:18

It reminds me of teenagers driving along with music thumping out of their car. Your DH needs to grow up.

Ilovemyself · 12/08/2013 12:48

And still the partner bashing goes on without any proof he is actually upsetting the neighbours lol

EldritchCleavage · 12/08/2013 14:24

It's the constant slamming doors and talking on the phone out the front and stuff though, I think it's just pure inconsideration

Yes, yes, yes. Have your phone calls in your house, people, please. I don't want to listen to them. I think this is worse than music, actually.

Now it's nearly carnival all my neighbour's relatives have descended and they all do this. Even with a mellifluous Trinidad accent, it's bloody annoying.

Sitting on a wall drinking a pint would not get to me (as long as it wasn't my wall), I'd see that as quite friendly if the person doing it said hello and chatted to people.

MinimalistMommi · 12/08/2013 18:15

If it was annoying to neighbours I think he is being unreasonable. I would feel the same as you OP!

Original poster
Doubtfuldaphne · 12/08/2013 19:09

It's a shame some people have made up their mind about me on here - I have introduced myself to the neighbours and we get on very well. They're not snobs but they are from a different world up here. Very old worlde types. I know one lady is wary of us but friendly too. She's made a few comments so far saying 'its a very quiet place here' and that made me think 'uh oh!'
Now we are back from holiday I will mention it to the neighbours and just check we're not too noisy.
I think the anonymous note was a bad idea but I was just panicking.
We haven't lived here long so dh has not done this every night for ages and ages!

OP posts:
SueDoku · 12/08/2013 19:28

Your DH would be my idea of the neighbour from hell - in the summer I love to sit with all the windows open, just listening to the peace and quiet after the noise and chatter at work. Someone else's music constantly playing (even if it wasn't very loud) would drive me out of my mind.

Occasionally, yes, fine. All the time - AAAAAAARGH................!!!!!

Ilovemyself · 12/08/2013 20:33

Doubtful daphne. If you can actually confirm your husbands actions are causing a nusceince I think then everyone would agree with you.

However, it seems you are basing your view on a comment from someone that could mean she is not happy with the noise, but could also mean she doesnt want loud parties. When she made her comment it was an ideal time to ask if there was a problem rather than just assuming there is one.

Just go and speak to these people if you think there is a problem. If there is you need to work out what to do. If there isn't you can stop worrying

tinkertitonk · 12/08/2013 22:01

We are missing essential details.

When sitting on the wall drinking a pint is he wearing a wife-beater?

And revealing hairy shoulders?

Most crucially, what is the pint? If Stella then you're all in trouble, if vintage port or a fine claret then he is merely odd. And probably drunk.