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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this man is a socially inept arse?

176 replies

watchforthesnail · 08/08/2013 20:47

I just had the shortest date in the history of the world. He was really shy,so i tried to make small talk.... asked about his job etc... i said i had been busy with work but how it worked out ok as i had a lots of holiday and was going away in a few weeks. he asked where and i told him and then he laughed
in my face
and i asked him why he was laughing, and he said he had been to the caribean and scotland ( wtf) and all over. i told him i had lived abroad and that norfolk is very pretty.
and again he laughed then he laughed again when i said i was going in a caravan even though he has never been in a caravan
hes only done call centre work. and has been in his new job ( cold calling) for 3 months.Yet mocked my work. he is a child. said things like ' meh' and 'm'kay' and stupid stuff like that
doesnt do anythng, or go anywhere. he sat in silence and if i didnt talk it was silent.
i said ii had to check my phone as work might have called and i might haveto go back ( was checking for my get out text) and then we sat in silence for a momment and he said ' i want to go home'
and then ' i dont want to be rude but i just want to leave'
so i said ' no thats fine, bye' and left
fucking awful
surprised i didnt cry

OP posts:
Original poster
watchforthesnail · 08/08/2013 23:22

pinup. my self esteem is fine... im.just honest. im just normal. no more no less :)

he hasnt had a date for years and years he said he never even gets to the texting stage.... but he said he just doesnt meet people and i understsnd that so didnt think more of it till today when i cancelled and then saidi could make it when he sad how disapointed he was..this was from eharmony as well. one of the most expensive sites there is ( i was there on a freebie) and hes who they matched me with.....
something seriously wrong with their matching process......

OP posts:
LessMissAbs · 08/08/2013 23:23

Avoidant personality disorder/sociopathy? Relatively common and probably more so in single men in their thirties or older.

You would hope that an employed adult male, even with a minor personality disorder, could have worked out how to comply with the social rules of politeness and basic kindness.

NadiaWadia · 09/08/2013 01:11

Don't be sad, why should you think it is you who is 'on approval'? This guy sounds very weird and socially inadequate, so it was a lucky escape for you that you didn't click.

When he said the thing about wanting to go home, you should have said 'God yes, me too!".

LeGavrOrf · 09/08/2013 02:50

Oh, fuck him and the ship he sailed in on.

He was an incredibly rude and anti social git. I too would be utterly crucified by what he said, gerbil teeth or not, so I understand. That kind of behaviour really knocks your confidence. But then again I am the type of person who clearly remembers insults from the early 90s.

You are a really lovely looking woman. I am the same age as you are, and understand it is possibly the hardest age to meet someone. But try not to waste any more time thinking about this inept twat. His opinion means nothing. It is hard and I do understand but I bet you 50p one day you will laugh about it. What kind of person says 'I want to go home now' on a date other than Alan Partridge or a pathetic character called Mervyn or something on Coronation Street.

Original poster
watchforthesnail · 09/08/2013 06:45

noone says that on a date.
unless they are so lacking im.social skills..
noone laughs im peoples faces when they are talking about their life unless they are rude and mean.

im still utterly shocked to my core. and awfully upset..
im not one that cries easily or generally cares so much what others think, but it was so humilating........

its almost worse that he looked so bad too. along with the teeth he turned up in shorts, black socks and white trainers. he was one of those people that appear to have no chin....and his hair was like sonic the hedgehog/ jedward.

but even so i would never be so rude.. i would have made small talk and left as soon as i could without seeming awful.

i cant believe he was mocking me. it wasnt even just the holiday it was everything.

i havent had a fun date in ages, its not like this is the only bad one so its diluted. they are all bad. its just a long stream of bad

and now i have to go to work with puffy eyes :(

OP posts:
Runningchick123 · 09/08/2013 06:54

He sounds like he possibly has no social skills or social awareness. Reading through the OP I could only think that the man has aspergers or a similar disorder.
I would just send him an email saying "it was nice meeting you but you are not my type, good Luck for the future"
People are not normally that direct, so it points towards a disorder rather than him just being odd or rude.
I would be relieved to get away from a date like that though.

NoSquirrels · 09/08/2013 07:08

You don't think perhaps he was punishing you for attempting to cancel in the first place?

Regardless, he sounds awful. No social skills for whatever reason. You tried to be kind, he didn't try. Ignore him. It certainly has nothing to do with how you look, and I'm not sure why you'd think so. Hopefully you're feeling better this morning.

Don't contact him, and if he connects you be polite but icy - point out his odd behaviour, tell him you found it rude, but stay away from criticizing his appearance. No need to be mean, just honest about how hurtful his actions were to you.

Good luck with your next date with someone nicer! You clearly deserve some better luck soon.

Original poster
watchforthesnail · 09/08/2013 07:13

running- there is no need for any kind of message from me. he ran out after under 40 mins. it was clearly not nice meeting him
( besides ive already text to tell him he needs to work on his social skills. that it wasnt cruel to leave and im not sure why he thought i had liked him as i had been checking my phone for my emergency exit text. and that i lied when i said i couldnt make it... it was because i had decided i didnt want to meet him.

mean?.no. how dare he.

OP posts:
AKissIsNotAContract · 09/08/2013 07:13

If you didn't like this guy I'm struggling to understand why it's so awful that he didn't like you. Maybe his ideal date has shit dress sense and teeth like a bag of smashed crabs, just like him :)

Don't take it personally, I would imagine this chap's social skills don't get any better for the women he fancies, at least you don't have a stalker on your hands.

Original poster
watchforthesnail · 09/08/2013 07:19

of course im.taking it all personally as really anyone would.

it was a huge, slap in the face rejection. instantly making me feel awful.

i dont ever doubt my personality (!!!!) i know im lovely and fab. so i just think he must have been so repulsed by me. i mean...if men find someone attractive they make an effort ( and also overlook all kinds of stuff bevause shes hot) so it has to be how i look.

i would never say anything about someones looks to them. thats just nasty. what i mean by describing how he looked was that its almost worse being treated that way by someone you wouldnt even notice

OP posts:
Wuxiapian · 09/08/2013 07:20

OP, you've pointed out all his misgivings, yet you're still bursting into tears about it?!

You lack of self esteem, IMO.

Original poster
watchforthesnail · 09/08/2013 07:21

its not so awful he didnt like me. its the openly laughingin my face. the total lack of manners and the humilation of the whole thing.
this happened in public.... bloody awful.

OP posts:
Original poster
watchforthesnail · 09/08/2013 07:23

please dont attack my self esteem

it was a horrible experience. im sure most people would feel just as upset.

OP posts:
Chocolatepup · 09/08/2013 07:25

Do you think that he was pissed off because you cancelled and wanted to make a point of it. You cancelled so he almost begged you to go so that HE could be the one to end the date. Like he wanted to be in charge, not you?

Original poster
watchforthesnail · 09/08/2013 07:30

no. because i had told him i couldnt because i had to work late

i had wanted to chat for a few more days to see if my ' mad cat man with no friends nor personality or teeth' thinking was correct.

it was.
but he thought we were postponing so...

OP posts:
Nishky · 09/08/2013 07:30

Please don't cry anymore. It really is him, not you.

carlywurly · 09/08/2013 07:33

It sounds like a really awkward, embarrassing experience (although that should be how he feels, not you!), but i think you do need to chalk it up to just that, and try not to dwell on it to the point it's upsetting you.

A thread of posters have told you they think you're gorgeous, yet you're letting a random weirdo you met briefly have more impact than any of them. It doesn't matter what he thinks of you. He's clearly a bit odd, for whatever reason, so I'd try and see the funny side rather than taking his opinions to heart. I wouldn't text him again.

Don't let it put you off moving on, there are some lovely, non dysfunctional men out there!

TheRealFellatio · 09/08/2013 07:36

Oh dear. I might get flamed for this but he sounds a bit Aspergersy to me. Ah bless him, I'm sure he couldn't help it. He's probably as bewildered by it all as you were, but you will no doubt meet the love of your live before he does! Don't take it personally - he had the problem, not you.

And Norfolk is fantastic apart from Great Yarmouth

TheRealFellatio · 09/08/2013 07:39

WE had some new friends for dinner recently - well I say 'friends,' she is a friend of mine and I stupidly invited them without checking out her husband first. He was like this; managed to offend everyone around the table within half an hour of arriving. When they left and we closed the door behind them my DH looked and me and went 'WTAF? Shock Don't ever let him into my house again!'

Runningchick123 · 09/08/2013 08:04

I was suggesting that you look a it differently; that perhaps he has aspergers or a social disorder as I was hoping that you could see the glaring obvious; that any neuro typical peson would not behave like that so it would seem that he has a social or personality disorder.
Obviously you will not want to go within a mile of this man again and nobody would blame you, but why get upset about somebody who possibly has a disorder that is beyond his control. You don't like him so stop being upset and stop slating the man on here.
Going on a date is very difficult for people with social disorders such as aspergers (which it sounds likely that he has) so why dwell on it. You had a shit experience and can't stand the man ...end of.
People with disabilities and neuro abnormalities often do their best to fit into society and desparately want to fit in but through no fault of their own are unable to do so despite trying as hard as they can.
I really hope he didn't have a disorder and was just ring a git because he wanted out of the date, because otherwise your attitude is very disablist and leaves a bad taste. At least if he was just being a git then he deserves the slating.

Lazyjaney · 09/08/2013 08:06

It's clear he is totally socially inept, whether you buy into pop psychology profiling as to why or not is another thing. I suspect Far from being repulsed he was attracted but he didn't know how to handle you in person and panicked. You may find texting and telling him how you feel has a better outcome than you expect.

fwiw I used to work with serious geeks, a few were like this, I felt really sorry for them as they were actually usually nice people, but had no clue how to interact with real live women, and it takes real patience and fortitude to deal with them.

Original poster
watchforthesnail · 09/08/2013 08:12

my attitude is disabilist?

oh come off it.

I went out on a date with a man that was rude, hurtful and mean to my face. And yet im the bad one because im upset by this?

No.

You dont know that he wasnt just being a git. making up all kinds of reasons why he might have been that was is just stupid. My feelings dont come second ' just because' he might have had something or not. To walk around always putting yourself second, ignoring how you feel ' just on the off chance' someone might have something is a bloody insane thing to do.

There is jack all wrong with my self esteem and im sure in a few days i will feel fine. At the moment however, i just feel totally shaken, humiliated, and worthless. It was just an utterly horrible experience.

OP posts:
Lazyjaney · 09/08/2013 08:21

The OP is not disablist FFS.

TheRealFellatio · 09/08/2013 08:32

Oh running don't be so ridiculous. Sheesh, this place sometimes...

TheRealFellatio · 09/08/2013 08:33

Even if he was AS, it doesn't mean watch is not justified in feeling upset with him.

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