to be getting a bit mentally drained by this friend

[dirtyface]

there is an absolutely huge back story to this. in summary, my friend has ME, has had it since she was 16. and has never had dcs, married, moved out of home etc (her parents kind of care for her i think) and a whole host of other physical and mental health problems that i think a lot of them are in her head

she is absolutely lovely. she is clever, funny, loyal, beautiful and a brilliant mate, one of the nicest women i know

the trouble is, she gets into relationships with men who mainly just cannot cope with all her problems. they inevitably act like twats, hurt her, dump her, or she dumps them for being twats. but otoh because of her myriad problems, she can't be the girlfriend that guys want, ie she won't sleep over their house, she won't see them more than a few times a week as it apparently wears her out, but then obviously that means the relationships cant move on naturally. the one or 2 nice, understanding guys she has been with, she dumps them for being too nice

she is also very attention seeking, constantly putting cryptic statuses on FB (usually re latest dodgy relationship or latest health thing) that seemed designed to elicit sympathy. i can tell lately that a lot of people are getting a bit weary of her (we have a few mutual friends) i can tell just by the lack of response on FB etc. she seems to almost revel in many of her various health problems (none of which are life threatening / limiting btw). i also think she should fight it more and tbh her family, in particular her mum is quite enabling. my mum would have told me to get a grip TBH.

i have loads going on in my own life. a home to run, kids, a husband, my own business, money problems, my own mental health problems (anxiety and depression). i worry about her a lot and its all getting a bit much.

i feel like such a cow and a rubbish friend. but its getting hard for me to support her. and i really do want to. sorry this is long but i dont want to drip feed.

so i just wanted to know if anyone has been in a similar situation to either me or my friend, and has any advice for me.

I think because she had had ME since a teenager she hasn't really had usual 'adult' problems. Meaning she's never had to worry about mortgages, jobs, etc.

She sounds shelf absorbed. Why go out with the op just to moan? Its nice to

have someone to of load to, but did she ask the op about her problems? They are just are real and upsetting as her ME.

She sounds a PITA. I would step back.

cocolepew

this. exactly this. no adult problems whatsoever and she is 30.

her parents baby her as well, as i said, particularly her mum

an example of this is, she is able to drive (passed test and insured on parents car) yet expects her friends / boyfriends / mum and dad to pick her up and drop her off. i think she thinks petrol is free as in all the years i have known her she has never once offered a penny. its sometimes like being friends with a 16 year old

i am really sorry to sound like a bitch. i think its all got a bit on top of me lately. but i honestly do like her a lot, and she is a really nice person.

i also admit i do not understand ME fully. despite having known her now for several years.

Laughing about not discussing her on here. If folk didn't discuss others on here AIBU would be empty.

Lets look at that night: wanting to be near the pub & complaining of pain = ME.

Flirting with someone you know fancies you when you don't fancy them & talking non stop about your relationships, without giving anything back in return = PITA.

Just because someone has a chronic illness doesn't mean they are automatically not a nob.

OP, you sound like you've had enough, take a break.

babyheave, fair point! Made me realise we are all being a bit rude to other people aren't we!

See, yet again with your post dirtyface, there is an ME part and a selfish part.
ME part, I would be surprised if she has enough energy to drive very far at all. And another problem might be that if she did, that it would be an awful strain on her to drive back again if she slightly overdid it in between. [and yes, definitely read up about ME]
But the other part is, she should be thinking about the money part of it all - her selfish part.

Perhaps when you have read up about it - the basic bits - it wouldnt take long, then you at least would be able to see a lot more clearly which bits are her ME and which bits are not. Because I am getting the distinct inpression that currently, you havent got a clue as to which is which.

How long has she had the ME for dirtyface?

I have this theory. That sometimes traumatic events happen to people when they are growing up. And it seems to me, that when they do, sometimes their emotional growing up halts at that age.

Dirtyface - very sorry to hear of your loss. Been there too. Think you need to take a little care of yourself for now first. Just say to your friend that you need a little time to yourself for now but you'll be in touch. Phoning you after midnight isn't on when you're going through things yourself - especially when it is a romantic drama - you only phone anyone after midnight when it is an emergency. You can only support people so much - you need a bit of support yourself at the moment. Take care x

I think she does sound like she has never had to worry about anything. I did think from rtt that she is selfish but i was a bit :-/ at some parts.
She wanted to park near pub so she wouldn't have far to walk-understandable.
She moaned because she was in pain so why did she come out?probably because she was fed up staying in.i sometimes go out when i have chronic pain because I'm so fed up staying in not being able to do anything.as for flirting with the friend, if you dont like him does it matter?

dirtyface

this seems like a mix of ME problem, and problem personal to her.

Needing to park near to the pub sounds like an ME problem. Walking further may give her more pain (and a relapse a day or two later).You say "why go out if you're in pain?" but if you are always in pain, you would never go out.

However talking about herself nonstop is not ME-related, although I do take the point that having ME from a young age can mess up normal social development.
Maybe she has never lived as an adult, but still, if she is your friend, she should care, and listen when you tell her about your life.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/1815602-Do-you-get-fed-up-with-people-saying-they-are-in-chronic-pain

page 13/14 of the pdf, labelled as 7/8 on the document itself

It sounds to me as there isn't really a friendship there. I would distance yourself from her.

Whether she is unwell or not is irrelevant, really - she is self absorbed to the point of being a bore.

Here's what I'm thinking (as a fibro sufferer) she might be feeling particularly isolated at the moment. As some of the other posters have cited, illness does tend to drive all your friends away except for the most stalwart, When I first got very ill I lost every friend I had and had no social life at all for a full year. Im coping with my illness better now through medication, routine, coping strategies and doing stand up routines aboutit, and I have a hectic social life as well as a busy job as a nanny, but it took a long time to get here from where I was.

Maybe your friend could do with a dose of hard honesty. Tell her you find the vaguebooking upsetting and that you're recovering from a traumatic loss and not in the right frame of mind to deal with her relationship drama. Then maybe you could arrange to do something together once a week where you can offload all the weeks drama. That'll work within both of your tolerance levels.

she has fibromyalgia as well princess

and thats absolutely brilliant what you have achieved. and yes i do not want to desert her like other people have done, thats the last thing i want. and i am sorry to hear you lost your friends as well.

and i think thats great advice in your last paragraph., all the vaguebooking etc just pushes people further away i think and it becomes a vicious circle so she then feels more isolated and posts more woe is me statuses :(

"i also admit i do not understand ME fully. despite having known her now for several years"

Really? So it hasn't occurred to you to read up and find out a little more about it? Of course not, because you don't really care enough do you.

I admit, I posted a link on my FB before to the spoons theory and said that anyone who knows anyone with M.E. or a similar illness should read it. No one did. It bugged me tbh. My friends have asked me about it. They still don't 'get' it at all. I frequently have to justify things like taking the kids swimming is not a case of me just floating these whilst they mess around. I find it totally shattering and I only did it this week for the first time on my own, not sure I'll do it again unless I know I can go to bed straight after (which this week I couldn't). They just look at me blankly, and these are my good friends.

If anyone knows anyone with an illness like this and they do care about the person, then they should learn a little more about it so they can at least attempt to understand it.

Oh but she does sound a bit selfish and annoying in other ways, but like others have said, parking far away is a pain when you are in pain. I always try and park as close as possible because I know after, I am going to have to get back to the car again when I will be in even more exhausted because I am out. You don't sound remotely understanding in this at all.

The flirting thing, ok annoying but why does this bother you? What difference does it make if she is flirting with someone that she doesn't actually like? Not fair on the bloke (does he know she isn't interested?) but I guess its because she has low self esteem and is trying to make herself feel better.

The other stuff about not ever being grown up because she has always been babied, yes I get that that would be annoying as well. But part of the reason that you are fed up with her IS because of the M.E. no matter how you try and put it.

YANBU to be fed up because she is 30 and not acting like a grown up but YABVU because you don't even try to understand about living with a long term health condition but its all a bit of an inconvenience to you.

Do you really not want to desert her? Then learn more about it and do what Princesses last paragraph suggests.

I lost all my friends. It wasn't until I had children that I made more friends. I was totally friendless for about 5 years. It was not nice.

People can get very wearing, if they are constantly 'me, me, me' and take, take, take, without giving anything back. This applies to ill people just as much as well people.

It is possible to be very ill and still be supportive of others - my nan was a perfect example of this (ME and then terminal cancer). She was always there for others, and rarely moaned, although she was in almost constant pain and sometimes couldn't get out of bed.

OP, it sounds like the irritation caused to you by your friends 'extra' needs (not related to the ME/fibromyalgia), and her lack of reciprocal support when you needed it has not been dealt with, and it has now built up so much that simply everything about her is getting on your nerves.
I would advise you to step back for a short while, limit your contact, and explain to your friend that you just have some personal things you need to deal with for a while. If she is a good friend, she'll understand. Then, when you're feeling a big stronger and ready to take on the world again, you can go back to more regular contact. Best of luck, I hope you feel less stressed soon.

Crapbag I'm sorry you had such a horrid experience, I can't imagine ever dropping a friend just because they are no longer able to do what they used to. I really hope you're in a better place now.

Have reread your op especially since you seem determined to carry on being her friend. She has had ME since 16. Poor woman. And yes, if you ask me, that is part the reason that her emotional age may well be stuck at about 16.

You say that she has various other physical and mental health problems. Again, poor woman. To be fair to her, she herself probably doesnt know which health problem to attribute to which. And she may well be on some pills that give her side effects too.

Form what you have written, she does seem to be escalating some of her worse traits lately. Perhaps if you and others who have already backed off, stay backed off for a bit, she may calm that side of herself down?

The bit about her life that I am surprised about is her quite hectic social life. But as I have said before on here, all people are different to each other.

Now to you. You are not a cow and not a rubbish friend[bar the finding out some more about ME ]
But do no, I repeat do not "worry about her a lot". She seems to have lots of support. Ironically, maybe more than you do. You do not need to carry her.

I hope you realise OP you are under no obligation to remain friends with this person even if she has a very nasty illness.

If her behaviour is driving everyone away its not your responsibility to look after her and protect her from her actions or her illness - it nice you want to but you don't have to. People do grow and change and move away from people they were friends with at 16.

If you do want to remain friends and not just cause she has a medical condition - then set boundaries that suit you.

You don't have to go out if you don't want to even if she does.

You don't have to listen to her moan on about her love life. Tell her to stop or change the subject. Changing the subject works well for me with my parents who I love but who are extremely negative - otherwise they drag me down as well.

If she doesn't want to drive - you don't have to drive her round either she get someone else to give her a life or she gets a taxi - she has other options.

Do not be guilted into thinking you have to be at her beck and call. Finding out about ME should help with understanding her limits due to her illness.

If you need to take a few months or more away from this friendship - there will be nothing stopping you picking up the phone later on and picking up the friendship especially if you have a quick talk about needing time yourself with all your problems at the minute.

You know what? I'm sick of the ignorance surrounding ME and FM.

I have FM. I'm still a carer and yes it can be tough when some days you have to throw yourself sideways off a sofa as your legs won't move.

Worst bit is the 'all in the mind' merchants. Also once you've got the DX everything is blamed on that. I've been feeling really poorly for quite a while but it's all been attributed to the FM. Only this week they've discovered that actually my kidneys are functioning at less than 50% for quite some time due to a genetic condition and I have a gynae issue requiring investigation both of which are likely to be behind my feeling rough. But it was blamed on the FM for nearly 2 years.

The liking drama and unsociable hours phone calls are her personality, not her condition. Try to differentiate.

OP I still feel slightly guilty about a friend who I had to step away from 4 years ago. She has/had fibromyalgia and for a while we had a close friendship, but she gradually started "taking" more and more, and when I tried to redraw boundaries had a hissy fit. There was a lot more to it than that, but she had a "shit list" of people who had abandoned her and I don't doubt that I'm now on it.

YANBU to put your family first, to turn your phone off at night or walk away entirely for a while or permanently if it is necessary for you and your family.

Now that's a poor x-post. Gobby: I have a lot of sympathy for people living with FM, but everyone has a limit to how much they can give their friends.

OP - didn't she ask at all about how you were?

If I was out with a friend and they never asked how I was but spent the whole evening talking about themselves I would think twice about this friendship.

I'm sure they do, Mrs H.
I'm quite socially isolated myself so I don't 'burden' friends.

I still maintain the issues the OP faces are with her friend's personality type, not her health issues.

I doubt any of her ailments are in her head.
Your friend is inconsiderate and rude, calling late at night, whether you were ill or not, but more so as you were ill. Not sure if you asked them to walk you to the car or not, if you did and they refused, then rude.
Did the place you went not have handicap parking? Does she have a permit to use it? Could you have dropped her at the place, and gone and parked the car while she got a table? Or gone somewhere with better parking?
We always factor in parking in choosing where to go or not go, when with someone with issues with walking.

Drop her - she is totally self absorbed (and she sounds really boring as well)

Is she on any sort of treatment, OP? I feel for you, I have a friend who I find draining as well, and likewise she has an illness and is pretty vulnerable. There is a line between what can be excused as the condition and what is down to selfishness, and the two of you need to redraw that line for yourselves. If you find she's not a good listener when you have a problem, tell her nicely but firmly. You have your Mh issues and sometimes you need to talk about them the same way she needs to talk about hers.