to be getting a bit mentally drained by this friend

[dirtyface]

there is an absolutely huge back story to this. in summary, my friend has ME, has had it since she was 16. and has never had dcs, married, moved out of home etc (her parents kind of care for her i think) and a whole host of other physical and mental health problems that i think a lot of them are in her head

she is absolutely lovely. she is clever, funny, loyal, beautiful and a brilliant mate, one of the nicest women i know

the trouble is, she gets into relationships with men who mainly just cannot cope with all her problems. they inevitably act like twats, hurt her, dump her, or she dumps them for being twats. but otoh because of her myriad problems, she can't be the girlfriend that guys want, ie she won't sleep over their house, she won't see them more than a few times a week as it apparently wears her out, but then obviously that means the relationships cant move on naturally. the one or 2 nice, understanding guys she has been with, she dumps them for being too nice

she is also very attention seeking, constantly putting cryptic statuses on FB (usually re latest dodgy relationship or latest health thing) that seemed designed to elicit sympathy. i can tell lately that a lot of people are getting a bit weary of her (we have a few mutual friends) i can tell just by the lack of response on FB etc. she seems to almost revel in many of her various health problems (none of which are life threatening / limiting btw). i also think she should fight it more and tbh her family, in particular her mum is quite enabling. my mum would have told me to get a grip TBH.

i have loads going on in my own life. a home to run, kids, a husband, my own business, money problems, my own mental health problems (anxiety and depression). i worry about her a lot and its all getting a bit much.

i feel like such a cow and a rubbish friend. but its getting hard for me to support her. and i really do want to. sorry this is long but i dont want to drip feed.

so i just wanted to know if anyone has been in a similar situation to either me or my friend, and has any advice for me.

[BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability]

The OP acknowledges her friend has ME and other physical and mental problems, to the extent that her parents care for her and she has never left home. And she thinks she revels in it?! This has nothing to do with anyone feigning illness, she has already said her friend is ill.

[newestbridearound]

I have M.E (and as a result I simply can't read all of the thread which is annoying I know, so sorry if I repeat what has been said!).

Firstly I just wanted to say that no matter what illness or problems you have in life I think that friendship is very much a two way street. Your friend will have limitations on how much she can cope with and how often she can do things, but she needs to be there for you in the way that you have been for her. She should recognise that you have a busy life, your own issues to be getting on with and that sometimes she needs to consider that other people don't necessarily want to be dealing with drama in other's lives. It sounds as though she can be a little self-absorbed at times, and I'm sorry for that.

BUT unless you have ever suffered from ME or a similar autoimmune disease it is impossible for you to know what it is like. I can't help but find it slightly ironic that you say that she contacted you once when you were ill and not sleeping well and just wanted to go to bed. That is what living with ME is like all the time- if you suffer from anything other than a mild form it is a relentless struggle against pain and exhaustion that I can't even put into words. Imagine the flu, a hangover and having run a marathon and you are close. It's like nothing I could have imagined when I was healthy, and that was in spite of my best friend having it when we were younger! People have died from it and whilst many can live a reasonably normal life 25% are housebound or bedbound. I have friends who are tube fed, paralysed, living in care homes because they're family cannot help them. It destroys lives and the ignorance around it makes everything around it a million times harder. Her mum may be allowing her to wallow in pity, but she won't be enabling the disease. To fight this thing you have to allow your body to rest and do what it needs, it doesn't work in the same way that pushing through a virus or something similar would.

Saying all this I think I'm generally fairly positive and I try not to let this define me, but it sounds as though your friend is finding it hard to cope with at the moment if she is attention seeking and wanting sympathy on fb. It is isolating and lonely so try not to resent her for it too much. She does need to be mindful that you maybe don't want to hear about it all the time, however when you are ill 24/7 it is hard to separate yourself from it! Could you chat to her about how you are feeling? I know that if I was in her position I'd want to know if I was annoying someone with it.

[youarewinning]

Read the post without the bit about the friend having ME.

No-one would be saying the OP is BU to be fed up of the friend.

My best friend has a potentially life limiting disease - at best she'll need and get a transplant. She is also going through another illness - possible SJS.

She is my best mate and at time her illness gets her down, we'll discuss it at length and I'll accompany her to hospital appointments. BUT She also listens to me, allows me to be ill and whingy (recently had quincys) and wouldn't ring me up after midnight unless it was a real emergency.

I think OP you need to look past the illness side of things and accept going out is possible with ME but probably a few hours down the pub is all she can manage in 36 hours. Be practically supportive, and have good chats with her. But also tell her calling you all hours is not on - although you understand why it upsets her.

[MrsLouisTheroux]

newest Great post.

[dollymixedup]

As with many conditions severity differs from person to person. ME can be easier to manage for some people with many different techniques/tools used including talking therapies, mindfullness and the like.

[CFSKate]

newestbridearound - good post.

[Loa]

I think OP that suffering from anxiety and depression and having suffered a miscarriage recently plus having DC and money worries - means you have more than enough on your plate.

I think you need to focus on your health and family till you are in a better place.

Don't answer late night call when you are ill or otherwise , don't get caught up in your friends relationship dramas. Step back from it all.


Your friend with ME has a supportive family and other friends. She has other support.

I do wonder if your upset with her as she isn't giving you emotional support when you need it but still demanding your usual support for herself.

Your friend may be so used to the role of getting support from you that it hasn't occurred to her that your need support - in which case a conversation about your issues might help - or she is the type of person who doesn't give others emotional support.

[Viviennemary]

You sound as if you have a lot of things in your own life to deal with. So it's not surprising you are finding your friend a bit wearying. I know people who don't even believe there is such a thing as ME but I think there is and it is debilitating and affects every aspect of a person's life. But I think your first priority is to yourself and your family. Be a friend but take a step back.

[Caster8]

Was also going to say great post from newest. 2 people all ready have, but I dont care!

You describe it exactly how it was for a friend of a friend.

I think it used to be thought of as some sort of mental illness. But I think it is becoming more and more obvious to everyone that it is in fact a physical illness.

[CFSKate]

Again, I recommend this website to all, scroll down and read under the heading "Background"

[mollycuddles]

Caster8 and others
I personally hate the whole argument about physical v mental. As if "physical" trumps mental somehow. Our brains are part of us. An organ like the liver or kidney
The artificial separation does none of us any favours. Surely people with ME who feel the pain of stigma should be last people to get caught stigmatising others dealing with invisible illness
Fact - all chronic illnesses and most acute ones are impacted on by the mental health of the sufferer. For people with ME to deny their mental health plays a part is ludicrous.

[newestbridearound]

Aw thank you. I'm surprised I was anywhere near coherent, my brain fog is awful at the moment!

OP I hope I didn't come across as militant in anyway, I hate that some people when they suffer from an illness come across all battleaxe like and refuse to see anything from other's point of view. I just wanted to stress how hard it can be living with this bloody thing. But I do think your friend needs to be more mindful of you so try to talk to her about it if you can; I have moments where I get very self-involved (I spend a good 22 hours a day alone, so it is easily done!) but I hope that others will help me see this by pointing it out. I still want to be a good friend and be there for others and would hate to be grinding someone else down without realising. Like Loa said take some time to look after yourself, and if you aren't up to helping your friend sometimes don't beat yourself up about it.

Is she a member of any ME groups or charities? Since she's had it for a long time I assume the answer will be yes, but might be something you could suggest to her so she has other sources of support. It might help her lean less on you too.

[nenevomito]

ME is a horrible illness. A dear friend of mine wound up with ME after a horrible virus. It changed her overnight from one of the busiest and most outgoing people I knew to someone who, on occasion, couldn't even muster the strength to open her eyes.

She's fortunate that over the years she's gradually got better, but she'll never return fully to her former self. It's just rubbish.

The mental health aspect? Well IMO it's mo surprise that people with ME get depressed, but even if you help the symptoms caused by depression, the underlying condition remains.

Having said that, any relationship needs give and take. It may be that your friend has never had the opportunity to learn how to give as much or learn how not to behave IYSWIM. Still, it doesn't mean that you can't expect not to be treated well by her and if there are times when you are suffering - as you have been - then you need to tell her, or put the friendship on hold until you're more able to give her what she needs/wants.

There are people without ME who behave in a similar way. It's not always driven by an illness. You'd probably be less forgiving under those circumstances, but her illness doesn't mean you don't have a right to take care of your own well being above hers.

[Caster8]

mollycuddles. Cant say I really understand your post.

And I would have thought, from anyones pov really, if the medical world and ordinary people better understand what it is, it is best for everyone all round, especially ME sufferers themselves.
Not sorting out whether it is physical or mental, but sort of burying it, is the opposite of what is wanted, surely?

[IfIonlyhadsomesleep]

The poster way up thread who talked about mental illness and "real" illnesses summed up the reason why people with mental illness still suffer such stigma. Until everyone gets to grips with the fact that mental illnesses are real diseases of an organ of the body those of us who suffer with them are stuffed. It shouldn't matter whether ME is mental or physical. It's real.
Quite separately, the op needs to look after herself and get family. Then if there's time and energy left for friends, brilliant. If not bunker down for a bit and torn the ringer off on the phones after bedtime. Firemen make sure it's safe for them to help before entering a burning building.

[Caster8]

Following on from newest's post.
Yes, op. Stepping back from her for a bit sounds like a good idea. You need to look after yourself. And sounds like your friend, currently at least, has other people she can lean on.

[musicismylife]

She is a selfish, attention-seeking person DESPITE having ME.

A symptom of ME isn't ringing a friend (at silly o'clock) who is ill. A symptom of selfishness is, though.

[maddening]

cat - if you work in a caring profession then maybe it's time for a career change - you sound like your humanity has been drained somewhat and that compassion is what vulnerable, I'll people need - not your judgement - if these really are your thoughts I doubt it goes unnoticed - unless you're a fabulous actress it is likely your disdain shows through.

[dirtyface]

hi all sorry i have only just returned to the thread

just read through all the replies, some really mixed responses here. i was worried i would be flamed to death tbh :o

i felt i had to mention her ME and other illnesses to explain why there are certain aspects of her life she is unhappy and frustrated with. i want to say i absolutely do not believe ME is "made up" or "in peoples heads" and i absolutely wish she could find a cure and be well again

but i do sometimes think that she thrives on the drama of it all, thrives on peoples sympathy etc and i think there are better ways to deal with being ill than that. as it just sucks everything out of the people that care for her

i was actually out with her last night. which was actually what prompted me to write it as TBH i did not want to go out at all but felt i had to because she is, supposedly, absolutely devastated about her latest break-up.

well this is how the evening went. i picked up her and our other friend in my car. she moaned about there being no space in the back. she made me drive around for ages as we couldn't find a parking space that was an acceptable nearness to the pub. then when we did find one she still moaned because it was apparently still too far away from the pub. she flirted all night with our friend (who is male and fancies her. she is NOT interested in him though ) to a cringeworthy level. she talked about herself non stop all night. mainly in relation to this CRAPPY man she has recently dumped who is clearly an absolute twat and no good for her at all. in between moaning about how much pain she was in (erm why come out then??!) and then at the end of the night neither of them walked me to my car or even offered.

i am definitely taking a break now, i still feel pissed off this morning tbh.

[LEMisdisappointed]

Wow - look, it just sounds like you don't actually like this woman. I would say the same regardless of her illness. You even sound a bit jealous of her tbh, are you sure you don't fancy the "friend"? How come she didn't walk you to your car, you gave her a lift there? ooh, did she go home with the friend?

[dirtyface]

ok whatever

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

Agreed ..you just don't like her..and you don't believe in her ME.

Otherwise you would understand why it would be hard for her to walk far to pub then she might be in pain after.

You sound like a very two faced friend if you keep seeing her, I would drop her forthwith fir both your sakes.

[Caster8]

Look. Bottom line is she has ME - hence her wanting to be dropped off as near the pub as possible. Perfectly reasonable and understandable.
And she is likely to moan baout how much pain she is in. Wouldnt we all.

But she definitely sounds selfish, and does flirt which is not to your taste.

I think you need to read up a bit more yourself about ME, to find out what is normal about it. She sounds normal in that regard to me. ok, I know of a ME sufferer who was barely able to leave the house in 4 years. But is slowly recovering now.
But also you dont actually like her much any more do you? Fine. Just leave her alone.
But I would also say, dont talk about her on MN. I think she is entitled to do what she wants with her life without it all being broadcast, albeit somewhat anonymously , on here.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

How dare she talk to her "friend" about her ex, or try to go out if she is in pain because everyone likes to go out.

[EuphemiaLennox]

I don't think the bottom line is she has ME.

I think the bottom line is she's a pain in the arse. Who has ME.

She sounds utterly self absorbed. Not all ill people are utterly self absorbed.

It sounds like this friendship has run its course for now. Some distance is needed.