to be getting a bit mentally drained by this friend

[dirtyface]

there is an absolutely huge back story to this. in summary, my friend has ME, has had it since she was 16. and has never had dcs, married, moved out of home etc (her parents kind of care for her i think) and a whole host of other physical and mental health problems that i think a lot of them are in her head

she is absolutely lovely. she is clever, funny, loyal, beautiful and a brilliant mate, one of the nicest women i know

the trouble is, she gets into relationships with men who mainly just cannot cope with all her problems. they inevitably act like twats, hurt her, dump her, or she dumps them for being twats. but otoh because of her myriad problems, she can't be the girlfriend that guys want, ie she won't sleep over their house, she won't see them more than a few times a week as it apparently wears her out, but then obviously that means the relationships cant move on naturally. the one or 2 nice, understanding guys she has been with, she dumps them for being too nice

she is also very attention seeking, constantly putting cryptic statuses on FB (usually re latest dodgy relationship or latest health thing) that seemed designed to elicit sympathy. i can tell lately that a lot of people are getting a bit weary of her (we have a few mutual friends) i can tell just by the lack of response on FB etc. she seems to almost revel in many of her various health problems (none of which are life threatening / limiting btw). i also think she should fight it more and tbh her family, in particular her mum is quite enabling. my mum would have told me to get a grip TBH.

i have loads going on in my own life. a home to run, kids, a husband, my own business, money problems, my own mental health problems (anxiety and depression). i worry about her a lot and its all getting a bit much.

i feel like such a cow and a rubbish friend. but its getting hard for me to support her. and i really do want to. sorry this is long but i dont want to drip feed.

so i just wanted to know if anyone has been in a similar situation to either me or my friend, and has any advice for me.

Ignoring the issue ME for a second. YANBU to not be called in the middle of the night about relationship issues.

Every so often there are threads about suicides on train tracks, and some passengers get disgruntled that their train therefore runs late.
I suspect that catinabox would be one of them. I doubt anyone here will be able to change how she thinks

No, i wouldn't be. To be honest, the M.E thing is a real bugbear after that colleague and i have a family member who has it too. For years. (yet has managed some festivals and holidays this year, though cant work, clean her house or get a job)
I also really struggle with peopple who have obesity related conditions. (when you hav e had to roll them over and wipe their bums and done your back in, after a while it gets a bit tedious. I just think COmE ON!)

Yes i'm very intolerant and harsh. I'd be a useless enabler.

I am open to having my mind changed though. Like i said, I know there are some genuinely ill people.

Fuck me!

There is some unbelievably nasty stuff on this thread.

I'm reporting this and I hope it (and certain posters) get deleted for their incredibly offensive viewpoints.

OP YANBU. I think whatever the illness/problems a person has they should still do their best to be a good friend.

I think the only thing you can do is tell her. Explain about your not sleeping, depression etc and tell her that you want to be a good friend but it needs to work both ways. That even though you don't have ME you do have an illness of your own (depression).

Then, depending on her response, take it from there.

"OP, do your 'friend' a favour and stop bothering with her. I lost all my friends when I got diagnosed. They weren't interested in someone who couldn't keep up with their lifestyles and god forbid they ever contacted or me or visited me unless one of them had a crisis, and I never went on to them about it"

Crapbag his is really unfair towards the OP.

I think people are confusing the OP's problem with all the ME comments further down thread.

I don't think the OP "isn't interested because her friend can't keep up with her lifestyle"; if anything she sounds very supportive and a good friend.

tabby; someone who kills themself believe they are doing the world a favour. A suicidal person is not trying to be selfish, and when you believe you are scum anyway, you wouldn't think anyone would care that you die. It's probably impossible for someone on the outside of that head to understand, but it is not selfishness.

Good job Heartbrokenmum73! This is the worst thread ever, and OP didn't even argue about ME, it was just a side factor -.-

Good Heartbroken. There are many illnesses or MH problems that would not be allowed to be talked about in this way. Why should M.E. be any different.

cat let me educate you. I have it. Have had it for 11 years. I now have 2 children. I have been on a 4 day holiday with them this year. I do the school run (most) days. However, I cannot work, I struggle with the cleaning and do what I can when I can. On holiday I have to sleep in in the mornings, then I have to go back midway through the day and have a sleep. When I get back at the end of the day I can barely move. Then when I come home I take weeks to recover to my version of 'normal' energy levels.

Just because people with M.E. can do certain things, doesn't mean there isn't an after effect or that could do everything, all the time. It had taken me years to learn how much I can and can't do. I tried various ways of working, non of them effective. I had to accept that I just couldn't manage it. Great life when you are suppose to be starting your life.

I know someone who supposedly has it and I admit I am sceptical. I knew her before she had it and she quizzed me on a lot of the symptoms then lo and behold, she started getting ill with it. She says she is bedridden but then she is up and about when I suits her. I am not bedridden but I live within my limits. This is what most people with it do. However there are the ODD few who may exploit it but this is in no way the majority. It is a horrible horrible illness. There are so many things I would love to do, like actually run around the park with my kids or go to karate with my DS and DH, but I can't.

I get so angry that there are people who think that most of us put it on and enjoy this type of lifestyle.

O.K. I'm sorry I have shared some really offensive views. I won't post any more on this thread and will consider my perspective might just be to do with my experience and my intolerant arseholeish personality.

Thank you, and again i'm sorry to all the genuinely ill people.

( i think having overcome health condition, lived independently and worked continually with little support since the age of 15 has made me a little bit scathing of people who whinge and can't sort themselves out!!)

Good luck OP.

I've asked for this thread to be deleted. This has really riled me.

I suffer depression and anxiety, have done since having my first child 11 years back. They're invisible and I've perfected putting on a happy face over the years. There are days when getting out of bed is a massive struggle.

But hey, why don't I just eat a healthy diet and get over myself.

poppy I see your point but this "she seems to almost revel in many of her various health problems (none of which are life threatening / limiting btw)." does not show that the OP shows any empathy for her friend with M.E.

M.E. is a life limiting illness.

I don't think it is unfair because she clearly has had enough of her friend and mainly because of her friends health problems, whether that is causing her attention seeking or not, I can't say, but its a horrible attitude of a friend to have.

I admit I am never going to be objective when it comes to M.E. and the attitudes on this thread.

I cant believe some of the offensive comments on here.
Cat the person you work with sounds like an ignorant person in general nothing to do with her me but you cant link it all together! Maybe your family member had odd times when she felt well enough or maybe she does play on it. I have spinal damage and now my knees are going. Some days i cant get out of bed sometimes i have odd times i can go out and enjoy a day out doesnt mean there isnt anything wrong with me.

crapbag Do you not see that in describing your friend as a possible faker you are displaying exactly the same sceptical attitude people possibly show towards you?

I can't even begin to imagine the luxury of having had consistent people to rely on to prop my issues up for years on end....

In my world, If i didn't get on with it, go to work, sort my health out MYSELF i'd probably be fucking dead. So why the fuck should i happily listen to people who have a whole lot of support to do day to day things take NO responsibility for anything.

AND earn minimum bloody wage hurting my back wiping the botttoms of extremely obese people in bariatric beds chairs and ambulances, who have lovely people bringing them food and stuff all day.

And before you make assumptions about my attitude towards these people while i was doing that work, it was exemplary and compassionate.

heartbroken I get exactly where you are coming from.

Silly me for thinking that I just get over it, eat better and it all goes away.

I spent years ignoring it and trying to carry on as normal. All I did was make myself very ill and it took me years to get to the point that I am now. I am no where near better and I know I look fine but the days I am in, people don't see me flaked out on the sofa so exhausted I can't even open my eyes, whilst the kids play around me.

I would not suggest all this is in her head - op some people think depression and anxiety are just in one's head - how would you feel if your friends belittled your experience of mh problems. So I would accept her issues as real for a start and then decide how much you can afford - emotionally and in terms of time etc - you are willing to put in to the friendship and have a candid discussion with her.

Crapbag fair enough; I actually perceived it as "she suffers from ME which is horrible, but at the same time she revels in many other health problems..."

Anyway, I just felt that the poor OP doesn't come across as a malicious or uncaring person and it's her fault her thread has descended in a bun fight.

Littleen quote "tabby; someone who kills themself believe they are doing the world a favour. A suicidal person is not trying to be selfish, and when you believe you are scum anyway, you wouldn't think anyone would care that you die.

It's probably impossible for someone on the outside of that head to understand, but it is not selfishness. "

I hope you are not assuming that I know nothing about feeling suicidal, Littleen (second para), because in the past I most certainly have, and in that moment of deepest despair, when I felt strongly that the world would be much better without me, I would never have chosen death by train. I say again, people have a right to end their lives, but if they choose such a method which causes trauma and distress to strangers in order to achieve that, then is IS selfish.

Sorry that this post is somewhat off the subject...

I have a friend like this. Her whole family are always ill, and her mother in particular seems to really enjoy it, in a weird way. It's as if she's not happy unless someone is ill.

My friend is living at home, at the age of nearly-40, as is her brother who is only a couple of years younger. Mother "cares" for them both. They all have a long list of health issues (not ME though).

My friend is also really lovely, but has attracted a string of complete bastards / otherwise unsuitable men.

I want to tell her to pull herself together a bit, move out of home and get a grip. But I can't. I keep it to myself.

And before you make assumptions about my attitude towards these people while i was doing that work, it was exemplary and compassionate.

Yep, you've come across on this thread as compassionate above all else

it's her fault = it's NOT her fault

Cat the person you work with sounds like an ignorant person in general nothing to do with her me but you cant link it all together! g

No i guess you are right Kali110

Is your spinal condition to do with M.E? If you don't mind me asking..

ME limits your options and impacts massively on quality of life. I absolutely believe in it as fact. No idea of what causes it but reckon mental and physical health are so interlinked that ME like everything else has mental health aspects to it (depression is extremely common after heart attack and reduces your long term survival rate so I don't see what it's offensive it say there's a mental element to living with ME)

But the definition of life limits is limits your life expectancy. ME afaik doesn't

Yep, you've come across on this thread as compassionate above all els

Tlo be honest i've changed over the years. I'm not that compassionate anymore. Not with certain things anyway.

Am really shocked at some of these posts.

This. With bells on.

MrsLouis I did think that but in this case it really is like that. Its too long to go into, but she has even admitted herself that she is very lazy and if she can get someone to do something for her, she will. These are her words. I have witnessed her getting her DH to do things fpr her under the most ridiculous excuses (not illness related but laziness).

She was working then she had various things where she had to get signed off, she went on maternity leave but wanted another baby straight away so she never had to go back, it didn't work out so she had something else so she had to get signed off, then it was something else, then something else then eventually I was talking about M.E. and an article I had read about it becoming the 'new bad back' because there were no tests to prove it. She quizzed me in depth about my benefits and symptoms, a little while later she started getting the same things then saying she had it when she didn't even have a formal diagnoses.

There are the odd people out there who will do this but I do believe that they are very few and far between.