to be getting a bit mentally drained by this friend

[dirtyface]

there is an absolutely huge back story to this. in summary, my friend has ME, has had it since she was 16. and has never had dcs, married, moved out of home etc (her parents kind of care for her i think) and a whole host of other physical and mental health problems that i think a lot of them are in her head

she is absolutely lovely. she is clever, funny, loyal, beautiful and a brilliant mate, one of the nicest women i know

the trouble is, she gets into relationships with men who mainly just cannot cope with all her problems. they inevitably act like twats, hurt her, dump her, or she dumps them for being twats. but otoh because of her myriad problems, she can't be the girlfriend that guys want, ie she won't sleep over their house, she won't see them more than a few times a week as it apparently wears her out, but then obviously that means the relationships cant move on naturally. the one or 2 nice, understanding guys she has been with, she dumps them for being too nice

she is also very attention seeking, constantly putting cryptic statuses on FB (usually re latest dodgy relationship or latest health thing) that seemed designed to elicit sympathy. i can tell lately that a lot of people are getting a bit weary of her (we have a few mutual friends) i can tell just by the lack of response on FB etc. she seems to almost revel in many of her various health problems (none of which are life threatening / limiting btw). i also think she should fight it more and tbh her family, in particular her mum is quite enabling. my mum would have told me to get a grip TBH.

i have loads going on in my own life. a home to run, kids, a husband, my own business, money problems, my own mental health problems (anxiety and depression). i worry about her a lot and its all getting a bit much.

i feel like such a cow and a rubbish friend. but its getting hard for me to support her. and i really do want to. sorry this is long but i dont want to drip feed.

so i just wanted to know if anyone has been in a similar situation to either me or my friend, and has any advice for me.

[toomuchtoask]

Mrslouis I think you'll find we had a crossed post. And yes I will agree to disagree.

[toomuchtoask]

ThisWayForCrazy. I know what you mean. Fucking unbelievable that some people still don't believe this illness and don't even try to understand. It disgusts me. It is so debilitating and still people don't understand.

[ANormalOne]

I meant life limiting as in, the life someone can lead when they have ME can be incredibly limited due to the condition. So they're not going to die at a younger age, but the life they have isn't a life you'd wish on your worst enemy.

[CleoBrown]

I'm sorry if I'm misunderstanding but the OP doesn't seem to 'not believe', I think she's asking for advice on whether this friends behaviour is unreasonable and from the majority of the posts she's not getting much of an answer?
If people with direct experience can explain a little more it might help?

[ThisWayForCrazy]

Cat, you are being offensive. Linking ME (and calling it MyExcuse) to undesirable personality traits is wrong.

[BMW6]

It is a sad fact that some people DO rather "revel" in their illness - in fact can become defined by their illness.

My step mother was one - my word, she truly enjoyed her ill health ...... if you had a headache, she had a brain tumour....

OP, try telling your friend straight that she was not considerate to ring you so late when she knew you were ill and that she has pissed you off.
Be honest with her, and judge by her response whether you want to continue the friendship or not.

[mollycuddles]

Yanbu
Any diagnosis no matter what is not an excuse for being selfish and a twat
There are lovely, genuine people who really do everything they can to get as well as possible with ME and there are those who do act badly and enjoy their ill health
Just like with every other single diagnosis out there
ME doesn't suddenly make you immune from social niceties and rules of decency.
Yes it sucks and I feel for anyone whose life is blighted by illness but FFS this behaviour to the op is crap

[Caster8]

Good grief. There are a mixture of responses on here!

Your friend has ME. Awful, terrible thing to have [dont think it is life limiting as in likely to give you less years of life].
People with ME have it to varying degrees. Am surprised that the friend can do so much as she can. Maybe she is coming out the other side of it?

Having said all that, different peole get ME obviously, and all people have different personalities.
I dont know what the friends was like before she got it, op?

It sounds like your friend has possibly got a bit used to the drama of it all? That is a possibilty.

But also, op, she can dump guys for being too nice. I wouldnt personally, but it is her life to live how she wants.

Your call on what you do about it all. Personally, I would talk to her about some of it.
Else she is going to end up losing you too.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

Cat..you should be ashamed to post such ignorant offensive tripe

[ZenNudist]

Oh dear OP, ME is a divisive issue. Some people think it's mental illness (my view) others are more inclined to be sympathetic and treat it as a "real" illness.

I can appreciate its is a physical response to a psychological problem but it seems that sufferers don't like that diagnosis.

I have a friend with ME. She is much better now that she has children and doesn't have so much time on her hands to get too hung up on herself. She's also much happier nowadays and doesn't spend all her time bundled up on the sofa.

Your friend sounds like a one-way street and attention seeking. No doubt you could've done with some support when you had a miscarriage as she didn't provide it. I'm not surprised you feel antagonistic towards her now.

Avoid her and let the friendship drift to a close. It doesn't make you a bad person. Just a busy one with better things to do.

[kungfupannda]

I'm slightly horrified that ME still attracts the scepticism with which it was greeted when it was first identified as an illness.

I was at school with a girl who was active, very fit and sporty, bright, popular, outgoing, the works. One day when she was at university she felt a bit tired. The next day she couldn't get out of bed. She lost a fair chunk of her life to ME, and had a very slow, difficult climb back to health.

There is no way anyone who knew her would ever entertain the thought that she was some sort of malingerer.

[Caster8]

Every so often there are threads about suicides on train tracks, and some passengers get disgruntled that their train therefore runs late.
I suspect that catinabox would be one of them. I doubt anyone here will be able to change how she thinks.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

The hormonal changes of pregnancy have been proven to help some ME sufferers recover.

Not "having less time to get hung up on themselves".

What a supportive friend you sound.

Am really shocked at some of these posts.

[thingamywotsita]

I think that the me as a red herring. she shouldnt be selfish and act like a twat. but that's not down to me. that's down to being a twat. however people on here making disparaging remarks about me in general has made my blood boil. if you knew what it was like you would moan too! it's a horrible incurable debilitating illness that people do not understand. the husband that calls it my excuse is disgusting and clearly knows absolutely nothing about it. I would be ashamed to be married to such a judgmental twat to be honest.

[BMW6]

The thing is, whether the OP's friend is ill or not she (the friend) is still being a totally self centred arse

[greeneyed]

Thinking cat should get back in her box! Unbelievable comments

[ThisWayForCrazy]

Cat, people who don't have ME can have the attributes you have mentioned /FM. It's not related to ME. It's related to the person!

[Littleen]

I know several people with ME, some who have been cured (one with some sort of "lightning course" in London) - But yeah it is certainly a debilitating illness, as many other illnesses can be. MS is completely different (also have a friend with this) and can't really be compared to ME.

Anyhow : having ME or cancer, or diabetes... if you cannot show respect, care and general niceness to friends and family, you don't deserve them. Try to talk to her about how you feel, that you don't feel she sees you etc. She's still 100% capable of emotional aspects of life, so this is not too much to ask. Cut down on contact if she won't listen, but perhaps not cut her off completely?

[CrapBag]

You know what my DH calls M.E?

"My.
Excuse.

YANBU.

Someone really needs to tell her about herself.

God that's harsh isn't it!!"

What a fucking load of ignorant bullshit!!!!

This has got me really fucking mad. I'm so glad there are many M.E. experts on here. Seeing you all know so much, why don't you go and open a clinic telling us all how to get better. You clearly know more than any of the health professionals on the subject.

Or course, because we can do things sometimes, that means we are well all the time...do you know what, I can't even be bothered to carry on.

Its views like these on here that put views on M.E. back years and years. No wonder I am always weary if I tell anyone about having it.

I am so fucking mad about it.

OP, do your 'friend' a favour and stop bothering with her. I lost all my friends when I got diagnosed. They weren't interested in someone who couldn't keep up with their lifestyles and god forbid they ever contacted or me or visited me unless one of them had a crisis, and I never went on to them about it. I was mainly in denial myself and didn't really believe it.

[SaucyJack]

YANBU.

ME is a very real, very serious condition, regardless of whether you think its underlying causes are physical or mental.

Being a whinging, Vaguebooking PITA however is not one of its symptoms.

[Tabby1963]

Quote from Caster8 "Every so often there are threads about suicides on train tracks, and some passengers get disgruntled that their train therefore runs late.
I suspect that catinabox would be one of them. I doubt anyone here will be able to change how she thinks."

First, Catinabox has every right to state her opinion on this matter without someone attributing some other so-called negative attribute to her. That's just ignorant.

Second, someone who decides to end their life (which they have every right to do) by jumping in front of a train so that it traumatises some poor unfortunate train driver (some can never drive another train), plus the staff who have to go along the dark and creepy tracks picking up bits of body, is just extremely selfish. They don't consider that their actions will cause many such inconvenience and distress.

[ICanTotallyDance]

I just want to check here that we are all talking about the same illness. I think the OP means Myalgic Encephalomyelitis? If not, do correct me!

Anyway, it is a terrible illness but does usually stabilise in most patients. If OPs friend is dating several times a week, as well as (presumably) going out and meeting new men, she is not that ill on the scale of ME.

OP, you mentioned "a whole host of other physical and mental health problems" which is probably where her attention seeking behaviour comes from. And yes, I think some of it is attention seeking (the FB statuses, the calling at unreasonable hours etc).

If she has been dealing with this M.E. since she was 16 she should have coping strategies. It appears she is not calling you for direct support over her illness but over her love life. You do not have to discuss someone's love life at a time inconvenient for you. Next time, say you're sick and trying to sleep or whatever reason it's inconvenient and hang up on her.

I would recommend only seeing her once a week if you see her more than that, or half the time you currently see her if you see her less than that. Don't only go when she's perfectly well, necessarily, but limit your time with her unless she calls you with a serious problem. If she is living at home she does have an immediate support network.

Also you need to consider yourself. If you have a busy home/business and anxiety/depression then you are not in a position to be worrying about her. You do not want her romance woes impacting upon your own marriage. Your family will not be as happy as it could be if your are struggling (e.g. money problems, anxiety) and you do not need this added problem to be impacting. Your children can definitely sense a stressed parent!

So if you were single, working a 9-5 job I would say cut down time a little but remember that "a friend in need is a friend indeed" but in this case you have your own issues. You can still be her friend but be less involved. If she truly is a caring, brilliant mate then your need to take some time out to make sure that you will be able to support her in the future. If you don't, you will either get sucked into her world or you will have enough and end the friendship.

Good luck, it's awful when a good friend is irritating you. Especially when they have health issues that you can't tell are genuine (not ME the other ones).