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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my childminder to collect her child from a school...

249 replies

persimmon · 06/08/2013 22:18

.. about 5 miles away after she's collected my DS and her other mindees from their school? I can't figure out if I'm being mean. Basically, her child will start senior school in September. She applied to one outside the catchment and got in. CM doesn't want her child getting the bus, so is planning on driving to her child's school every day with all her mindees. The senior school is in a different place entirely and will involve a significant drive on busy main roads during school run time.

I just feel like we pay her to look after DS and don't want him stuck in a car for what could be almost an hour after school. Or is this normal for a CM to do?

OP posts:
AcrylicPlexiglass · 07/08/2013 00:11

1 hour journeying every day by foot or car would certainly have me looking for alternative childcare. I'm so glad my child has the after school club, reading all this. I had no idea that most childminders spent that long ferrying all the kids about. Sounds like a total nightmare for all concerned, frankly!

HooverFairy · 07/08/2013 00:14

At first I thought you were BU, but actually I think I'd have the same concerns. However, I think you're over thinking it in the same way I would. Request that your DS is given a drink and snack if it's a fairly lengthy journey and remind him to use the toilet before he gets in the car. I'm sure he will be fine but give it a few weeks or so and if he's struggling with it then look at alternative options for childcare.

I bet your CM gets fed up before your DS does!

MortifiedAdams · 07/08/2013 00:15

I picked a CM.because I want them to be in a home from.home environment. Picking up older kids from school.is part of family life.

DD goes food shopping, to the Post Office, the library and the Bank if that is what CM.needs to do - in amongst the trips to the park, the play doh marathons and the toddler groups.

Family life.

Put your child in a Nursery.

NomDeOrdinateur · 07/08/2013 00:20

Acrylic - the thing is, if a childminder has planned properly, the journeys are actually a very positive thing.

On foot, the children get exercise, social time, and the opportunity to learn about the world (e.g. seasonal changes in flora and fauna, different kinds of insects, why petrol/oil makes patterns on the top of puddles, how aeroplanes leave trails in the sky, what different kinds of clouds are called and how they form). The same is true of car journeys if they're done well - DM always took loads of appropriate books and toys in the car, made sure that she knew the spelling lists that each of the mindees had to learn over the course of the week, encouraged older kids to help younger kids with their reading, discussed what everybody was learning at school, and orchestrated general knowledge quizzes based on what everybody had been studying.

I'm not saying that a good childminder is the only fully satisfactory option, but I don't think that it is "a nightmare for all concerned" when compared to good after school clubs etc. Different things suit different children. I, for one, would have been miserable at after school club as my (otherwise excellent) school was generally rubbish at dealing with bullying, whereas I didn't know any childminders who tolerated that kind of behaviour.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 07/08/2013 00:21

Mortified - I don't know any nurseries that take school aged kids Grin

YABU - he can chill, eat a snack, talk about his day... it's not a big deal.

YABU as well because surely you realised things would change over the years & the CM has a family & life of her own?!

MortifiedAdams · 07/08/2013 00:21

Haha sorry didnt see the age - After School Clubs?

ChippingInHopHopHop · 07/08/2013 00:22

You are paying someone to look after your child, keep him safe, while you work... if you want 1:1, someone always putting your DS first then you need to hire a nanny, but wrap around nannies are like hens teeth...

AcrylicPlexiglass · 07/08/2013 00:23

Your child is pre-school age, mortified. persimmon is paying for only 2.5 hours per day after school care. So her son will be spending 2 fifths of his time in the car. Time he should be using to play, eat, play, veg in front of the tv, play, do homework etc.

lottieandmia · 07/08/2013 00:34

My friend is a child minder and she also has her own children and has to do the school run with all of her charges. 5 miles doesn't seem too far to drive to me so I wouldn't personally worry. As others have said all kids get driven around during errands etc.

AcrylicPlexiglass · 07/08/2013 00:39

I'm sorry, nomde, your mum sounds like a v lovely childminder but nothing will convince me that a 1 hour sitting in a car constitutes a great experience for a child who has had a long day at school. 15 mins or so is one thing but a whole hour is ages and at a time when may children are tired or need to run around a bit to shake off the horrors of school. As a one off it would be fine but every day? Definitely not.

sameoldIggi · 07/08/2013 00:39

I had a choice of precisely one childminder where I live. Fortunately, she's great, but if there was something I didn't like it wouldn't be as easy as saying "get a new cm".
I am surprised to hear some cms take their charges to swimming lessons or parties. Mine certainly doesn't.
As to saying your own dcs come first - as a teacher, if I ever had to teach a class my dcs were in they would not come first during the time I was teaching them, as I'm paid to do a job and that involves viewing all of them equally and spending time according to their needs.

BrianTheMole · 07/08/2013 00:41

Well, she's doing the best thing for her child, obviously. If it doesn't work and isn't the best thing for your child, then you need to think of an alternative.

brdgrl · 07/08/2013 00:42

YANBU. She's not U to want to do this, but you are not U to think it is a significant change to the care arrangements, and to look for a different minder. I would.

AlfalfaMum · 07/08/2013 00:42

It doesn't sound ideal to me. It will probably mean an extra half hour a day in the car, 2.5 hours a week.. I have one at secondary and she's very busy, those hours are precious.
I've worked as a cm in the past, and although occasionally mindees would have to tag along while I ran some kind of unavoidable errand, I wouldn't have felt happy to do that every day.

Also. Someone up thread said they do a 14 mile round trip on small country lanes in 15 minutes. Really? You must drive like a lunatic.

AcrylicPlexiglass · 07/08/2013 00:46

Maybe you should drive the route in rush hour and time it? For me it would be a lot about how long it takes. 20ish mins fine; 1 hour not at all fine.

neunundneunzigluftballons · 07/08/2013 00:47

She is not being unreasonable neither are you I would probably look for a different childcare arrangement if the current one meant mine would spend 5 hours a week in a car after a days at school. But I have found childcare arrangement vary over the years as family and children's needs change so I don't get too concerend by the changes as long as the children are well looked after.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 07/08/2013 00:54

How dare this woman look after her own child when she is looking after yours! Hmm
So how would you react if it was your child 5 miles away and her child being driven around?
YABU. Your DC can read a book, play a game, sing, interact with the other mindees... Its hardly torture!

Mimishimi · 07/08/2013 01:28

YANBU but, then again, neither is she so you'd best look for a new CM and hope they don't have kids to pick up from school.

Morloth · 07/08/2013 01:35

Well, I wouldn't want that arrangement for my DS, so I wouldn't use this CM.

That is the deal, she tells you how it is going to be and how much it is going to cost and then you make a decision as to whether she is a suitable CM for you.

Neither of you are unreasonable.

KeatsiePie · 07/08/2013 01:36

Agree with Mimishimi -- seems to me like her plan is reasonable for her and your concerns are reasonable for you. I think I would see how it goes though, e.g., see whether your DC is unhappy with riding around in the car or has insufficient time to do homework b/c of it, etc. Unless it's too hard to change to a different CM once school has started I would wait and see.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 07/08/2013 01:52

YADNBU - but then neither is she. It's a tough one. I can well believe the hour long journey, depending on the part of the country you're in, and to me, that's too long if you're paying until 6pm or whenever.

I appreciate that car journeys can be made fun - but every day? Unnecessarily? If there's a chance of it, I'd be looking to move to a different childcare provider too. Beforehand though, can you sit down with the CM and discuss your concerns? Maybe she'll end up doing the school run only half the week or the day her child has a cello to cart in with them or whatever. Also, it may be that other parents feel the same way and she changes her mind if you're not the only one who is thinking about moving.

I hope it all works out for you.

MusicalEndorphins · 07/08/2013 04:10

It is ok to find a new child minder, since her routine is one you have shrived to avoid. (bus/car). I would not want that for my child either. Her choice, and your chiuce, neither is wrong, just do what feels best for you.

MusicalEndorphins · 07/08/2013 04:11

*choice

Firebomb · 07/08/2013 04:17

hmm it's definitely not unreasonable for you to not want that for your child, but if your child is old enough, maybe ask him his opinion on what he would like to do? Ie: 'Would you mind sitting in a car for x amount of time while CM drives to her DS?' If he says he doesn't want to do it, then absolutely find a new CM. If he doesn't mind at all, then it shouldn't be a big deal.

Unless your problem is you do not want him taken an hour or more away. Then I would suggest just explaining to your child that he's not allowed to be that far from home at this point in time and that you need to find more suitable arrangements. It might be a fight but if it makes you feel more at ease being away from your child then I'd say go for it.

jessieagain · 07/08/2013 04:38

Yanbu!

I would find a different childminder straight away if I was you. How dull for your child to spend an hour in the car after a long day at school. Even half an hour would be too much imo. She has every right to do it but you don't need to continue using her.