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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my childminder to collect her child from a school...

249 replies

persimmon · 06/08/2013 22:18

.. about 5 miles away after she's collected my DS and her other mindees from their school? I can't figure out if I'm being mean. Basically, her child will start senior school in September. She applied to one outside the catchment and got in. CM doesn't want her child getting the bus, so is planning on driving to her child's school every day with all her mindees. The senior school is in a different place entirely and will involve a significant drive on busy main roads during school run time.

I just feel like we pay her to look after DS and don't want him stuck in a car for what could be almost an hour after school. Or is this normal for a CM to do?

OP posts:
JenaiMorris · 07/08/2013 07:43

Well one thing I've learnt from this thread is just how quiet everyone else's roads must be, judging by the [shocked] that a 10 mile trip taking an hour at peak times has provoked. Where do you all live?

Anyway, YANBU. The advantage of a childminder over after school clubs is the home/family environment, possibly a greater likelihood of visiting the park, the shop etc when it suits all rather than when it suits the timetable, time to chill.... That might include time in the car, but not an hour a day every day.

The childminder might be better off having a taxi for her daughter than losing all her charges (although that's for her own thread!).

nooka · 07/08/2013 07:43

Driving/traveling during the day to get to a fun activities is different I agree, and obviously the occasional trip is no big deal either.

MaryPoppinsBag · 07/08/2013 07:48

Sameoldiggi

My children have to come first in some instances. This is their home and I choose to bring in other people's children for money. It isn't their choice. With regards to if I was teacher and taught them of course they'd have to fit in with the rest of the class. That's what happens at school.

I treat my children and the children I mind for equally. In all respects. But the moment a mindee's care impacts on my children's home life I'm afraid I have to take action. E.g bad behaviour - one sibling group behaved badly and my DS's particularly DS2 were stressed by it. I gave notice and the sense of relief was great. Which is what I meant by my children come first. Being a CM does have negative impact on my own children Hmm

I could not make a massive decision like the choice of school round another child's needs. And if I felt it best to pick up my own child from school I would put my child 1st again.

I find with the job I do put other people's children before what I actually want like putting off applying for a new job where I'm not treated like crap and get sick pay and holiday pay
Only to find they then go and give notice.

whois · 07/08/2013 07:51

I don't think the CM is being particularly U, but not is the OP for not liking the idea of her child being stuck in the car for long periods.

MaryPoppinsBag · 07/08/2013 07:51

And I agree with other posters that if you feel so strongly do what you feel is best for your child.

MaryPoppinsBag · 07/08/2013 07:52

OP have you spoken to your CM about it?
You might be able to come to a compromise.

jamdonut · 07/08/2013 07:52

I'd wait and see first,how it actually pans out. If it is too much of a faff and your son doesn't enjoy being in the car every day,then I'd change CM's. But I wouldn't have a problem with it. He's still being looked after.

I know of a CM who has to walk her mindees between two or 3 schools. Would you be unhappy about that?

whois · 07/08/2013 07:55

Can't believe people are doubting the timings! Where I live 20 miles would easily take an hour at rush hour. Up north where I used to live my 13 mile journey to my main client took around 50 mins in rush hour.

Busy roads are slow!

Pagwatch · 07/08/2013 07:55

Tbh I would be pondering how to change things if I had to drag my own child for an hour in the car to pick up a sibling so I definately woudn't want to pay someone else if that was the arrangement.

She is free to make life as comfortable as possible for her family - she is not being unreasonable at all - but I would change childminder tbh.

When DS2 was young I had to drag him on a return journey that was often an hour because of traffic to collect DS1. It was shit.

SleepyFish · 07/08/2013 07:55

I don't think YABU and it's the reason I wouldn't use a CM. I see it every day, young children being dragged along on constant nursery/school drop offs/pick ups, often in horrific weather.
Of course not all CM's do this, I know an excellent CM who does lots of activities, weekly zoo trips etc but she's a rarity from what I've seen.
I'd be looking for alternatives in your shoes.

fedupofnamechanging · 07/08/2013 07:57

Former cm here. I think that if your child was with the cm all day, then one hour in the car is not that big a deal (although not ideal). Presumably the rest of the day would be geared around education and play.

However, if it is just after school care, then although sheiks technically providing this, it's clearly not what you initially agreed.

The thing is though, she is not your employee and you don't get to insist on how she spends the time. She offers a service and you choose to accept or decline. You are probably not paying a great deal for this service either, so I would tread carefully before threatening to leave - have something else in place first because you are likely to need her more than she needs you.

A cm, while treating the children equally, is a cm for the benefit of their own dc and being able to care for their own dc (as they see fit) is the reason you get the service at far less money than you would pay for a nanny.

I mean this nicely, because truthfully I wouldn't like it either, but don't shoot yourself in the foot by complaining with the other parents. If someone had done that to me, I would have been unable to work with them comfortably and would have told them to find someone else. It's fine to express concerns, but be tactful.

treaclesoda · 07/08/2013 07:57

Personally I don't see why this is a problem. I chose a childminder over a nursery precisely because I wanted my child cared for in a home from home. My DD was made to feel like part of the family at CM's house and she loved it there. On the flipside, it meant that she did things along with the rest of the family, like school runs, going to the shops etc. I was perfectly happy with this, as its the reason I chose this type of care.

If you're not happy with the situation, that's ok too, you're entitled to your views, but its much more reasonable to seek an alternative childminder than to demand that the one you have put your child's needs above her own child's needs.

kinkyfuckery · 07/08/2013 07:59

diddl there could be many reasons why the CM 'wants' to pick up her chukd rather than them get the hus; none of which are any of the OPs business.

diddl · 07/08/2013 08:04

Yes, there could be.

Perhaps OP, give it a try & if not OK, see if you can find another cm.

Spottedbag · 07/08/2013 08:04

I wouldn't be happy about this. Change cm.

chilipeppers · 07/08/2013 08:07

I wouldn't be to happy about it either. Id look into finding a new childminder. It's hard though if DC is happy. But I'm sure he/she will settle somewhere else. It's one thing to do a school run that last 15/20 minutes but an hour twice a day is a bit much.

bamboostalks · 07/08/2013 08:07

YANBU. Cannot believe how many people are defending this, to me it is indefensible. As a one off, fine. An hour in the car on a daily basis, that is ridiculous. What is the cm being paid for? This supposed 'family' experience. How grim for everyone involved. Imagine a 6 year old picked up, being given a biscuit/ fruit, doing number bonds and spellings (cos that's fun after 7 hours in school), looking a church spires ( great for 1 day, pretty tiresome by Christmas when there rain is pounding down on the window) and sitting waiting for a child who may even be late!
She's running a business where a service is expected, that is not delivering a service, she's accommodating her own family at the expense of mindees. I would change pronto. That's not worth paying for, she is taking the piss.

Coconutty · 07/08/2013 08:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRealFellatio · 07/08/2013 08:08

She's entitled to get her son to school by car if she likes. You are entitled to say you are not keen on the new arrangement and find another child minder for that reason.

MarshaBrady · 07/08/2013 08:11

Yanbu to not be happy with this new arrangement and look for another cm. I wouldn't want it either.

petuniapickletits · 07/08/2013 08:11

Childminders are much cheaper than nannies or nurseries. If you want things done your way get a nanny.

the whole point of childminding (and working your ass off for little money and much uncertainty) is to allow it to merge with homelife. Yabu.

youarewinning · 07/08/2013 08:17

I think you and CM are both BR.

She has her DC to look after and has probably chosen the school that's best for them.

However you are completely right to think an hour in a car after school daily is a lot. I know there are many parents here who do that but you have a choice here. You can change if it doesn't work for you and it's not a decision you'd make.

MrsMelons · 07/08/2013 08:18

I don't think I would want this for my DCs particularly but if they were settled then maybe I would have to let it go depending on how long term it was, I have to do this with my own DCs every day so essentially it is no different except she is paid to look after them.

If i was a childminder I am not sure I would consider this to be ok when I have mindees. Childminders are cheaper than nannies but usually that is because they have more than one child so I am not sure it always is that much different?

A 10 mile round trip at school drop off or pick up time could easily take an hour. Mine is less than 6 miles round trip and takes 45 minutes.

AcrylicPlexiglass · 07/08/2013 08:20

I don't think anyone is suggesting that the childminder doesn't put her child first. She and her family must organise themselves to meet their needs, of course. But she needs to be aware that if her after school minding service includes a long car journey every day as routine many parents will look for other childcare options (if there are any).

Quite saddened to see how any childminders seem convinced that there is some subtext to this view and think that parents resent them looking after their own children and would feel differently if the journey was for another mindee. For me this could not be further from the case. My objection lies purely in the fact that my child would not enjoy 1 hour in a car everyday after school. That is the sole reason. So if that was part of the deal I would look elsewhere.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 07/08/2013 08:22

Yanbu. It's not ideal. I would be changing my childcare.