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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my partner to be friendly with a woman who I no longer speak to?

141 replies

Oohmeback · 05/08/2013 01:17

Background, I had been friends with a woman for many years she is very rude offensive and overopiniated but for some reason she gets away with it, people tend to just say ' oh thats how she is' but the last straw was she came to my house was horribly rude, offensive disrespectful and inappropriate to me and my son while DP was there and I said enough is enough and cut her off. This was about a year ago. Fast forward to yesterday evening, he comes in from work and is getting ready to go out. I ask him where he is going he says 'to YOUR friends for a drink'. erm, after I cut her off and you know why, why would you be doing that?!?!?!? And the emphasis on 'your' like he was doing me a favour!

Apparently mine and her falling out is between us two and nothing to do with him and he thought we had sorted it out! Well if we had dont you think I would have been invited for a drink too? Apparently IABU and like drama.....

I never asked him to stop speaking to her , thats not me ,but this socialising for no reason? Come the fuck on! AIBU?

OP posts:

JaneFonda · 05/08/2013 01:23

I never asked him to stop speaking to her , thats not me ,but this socialising for no reason?

If you haven't spoken to him properly about it, you sulking will achieve nothing. Have a proper, mature conversation with him about it and explain how you feel, but saying that you haven't asked him to stop speaking to her and then getting annoyed about it is immature.

Original poster

Oohmeback · 05/08/2013 01:29

Im not sulking. He is fully aware that I no longer speak to this woman and knows that I was fully justified in stopping speaking to her. If someone disrespected my partner, in front of me, to the p oint that he stopped speaking to that person I wouldnt be going out for drinks with them.

OP posts:

libertine73 · 05/08/2013 02:48

no me neither, was it just going to be the two of them?

SquinkiesRule · 05/08/2013 03:55

Why would he do that? I don't get why he would want to hang out with someone who he has seen be disrespectful to his own wife and child?
Does he have no respect for his own wife's feelings?

NutcrackerFairy · 05/08/2013 07:39

I also don't understand this... why would your partner want to socialise with someone who has disrespected his wife and child?

Particularly as he says she is your friend anyway

I would also be sitting him down for a discussion about this and how this makes you feel. However you can't make him not be friends with this woman or make him not socialise with her...

If he did though I would be re-evaluating my relationship with him, sorry. If he cares so little for your feelings in this situation that he continues the friendship with her and considers you overly dramatic, well I would think he wasn't really worth having around at all as he is actually disloyal and thoughtless.

Good luck OP. Maybe if you have a honest talk with your partner he will see the error of his ways and how this is affecting you.

BatwingsAndButterflies · 05/08/2013 08:03

If it was a group I don't think I'd be too annoyed. If just the two of them it is weird and I would be quite hurt and upset.

Original poster

Oohmeback · 05/08/2013 08:23

He said that she had invited him to her sons party which was from 4 til 7. He was getting ready at just gone 7. When I pointed out that he had missed the party he said oh im going to have drinks with her and her friends. My point to him was you could easily have declined, I think he is the one who has kept communication going between the two of them which irks me a bit too, he always calls her and im fairly certain she doesnt reciprocate, in the past she told me he calls her to the point he gets on her nerves. I told her to tell him to stop calling her if thats how she feels, tbh I think she invited him to make up the numbers because thats the kind of person she is but he loves to feel included.........

OP posts:

YouStayClassySanDiego · 05/08/2013 08:32

It sounds a bit suspect, why does he always call her?

CoolaSchmoola · 05/08/2013 08:32

He's calling another woman enough to make her feel uncomfortable. He's going for drinks at her house even though he knows how you feel about it? She disrespected his wife and child and he is the one pursuing contact?!

He's spoken to you in such a way and doesn't care about how you feel?

Sorry but I'd say you have more to worry about than him going to hers for a drink. It sounds like he is attracted to her, to the point where he is putting that attraction before his wife and family.

Red flag frenzy.

urtwistingmymelonman · 05/08/2013 08:33

erm this is just plain weird imo.

pictish · 05/08/2013 08:35

I'm not convinced he's attracted to her, but rather the social life that surrounds her.

LEMisdisappointed · 05/08/2013 08:35

Hes thinking with his cock, sorry x

CocacolaMum · 05/08/2013 08:38

I have no idea but I think massive alarm bells would be going off for me.

Smilehappy · 05/08/2013 08:41

Why is your husband calling other women who you dislike, frequently, to the point it is annoying them? That is very odd to me. Especially because you don't get on with her, hmm does he maybe fancy her? Are you sure there is nothing going on? Don't want to plant a seed, but, he is "friends" with someone you cut off a year ago who was inappropriate to you and your son and he calls her regularly?

Just doesn't ring true to me

I think you just need to air your feelings to him and make him fully aware you don't like this, if not their friendship will only eat away at you... I would question my relationship if he ignores you...

Good luck x

Original poster

Oohmeback · 05/08/2013 09:36

Pictish that is what i think. She's a real 'good time girl' [hmmm], me. not so much. He's now actually not speaking to me because i think that he didnt go in the end but thinks thats my fault. I havent asked him if he went, i told him that he is free to go where he chooses and with whom but i am going to let him know what i think. His response said to me that he'd rather i kept the way i feel to myself, especially if its going to cramp his style.

OP posts:

LEMisdisappointed · 05/08/2013 09:41

cramp his style?? really?? how old is he - 14? he needs to grow the fuck up

DontmindifIdo · 05/08/2013 09:46

cramp his style? Bless, he's stuck in the 80s.

Sit him down, point out you are not telling him who he can and can't be friends with, but you are genuinely shocked that he's regularly calling another woman (say 'another woman' not her name or 'someone') to meet up without his partner. A woman he knows is rude to and has a low opinion of a woman he is in love with and his child (is DS his child?). That it's shocking that he's got so little opinion of you that he wants to do these things, not that you think he shouldn't, you're surprised he wants too, that it doesn't look like he cares all that much for you or DS's feelings, that by staying friends with her he thinks she's right that you aren't someone to be respected, and that long term, surely he can see that if he doesn't have much respect for you, you will lose respect for him as a man?

AnyFucker · 05/08/2013 09:50

In what way was this woman "inappropriate" to you a year ago ?

livinginwonderland · 05/08/2013 09:51

Alarm bells would be going off for me here, big time.

He rings her so often that it's irritating, he goes to hang out with her despite knowing how much she's hurt and offended you and your son, and he sees nothing wrong with any of this?

While you can't control who he hangs out with, he needs to be told that his behaviour is inappropriate. Get your ex-friend to tell him how annoying he's being an arse and to stop inviting him places.

Saffyz · 05/08/2013 09:55

YANBU

YouStayClassySanDiego · 05/08/2013 09:55

Prior to this, how has your relationship been with him?

Original poster

Oohmeback · 05/08/2013 09:55

He didnt actually say i was cramping his style, i just used that phrase to make my point. dontmind i tried to do that but he is a person that when he knows he is in the wrong, becomes petulant and starts to make counter-accusations. Its exhausting. He tried to latch onto her when i first introduced them and i questioned it then but i think there has been more contact than i know about. He invited himself over to her house without me in the beginning of our reationship after having met her only once! Who does that??? I must add, i dont think he is attracted to her, i know for a fact she is NOT attracted to him, if that was the case i think i could understand his need to be in contact with her!

OP posts:

YouStayClassySanDiego · 05/08/2013 09:57

You don't think he's attracted to her?

Really why else is he trying to latch onto her?

Original poster

Oohmeback · 05/08/2013 09:59

anyfucker she made awful references to the size of my sons penis, and suggested i set him up with the daughter of someone we hate so the he could 'fuck her up'. Yes. And she thought that that was ok to say to my teenaged son, in front of his mother and in front of my partner. She there were other things but i dont want to write them on here as anyone who knows me knows this story. Our relationship isnt the best, communication is lacking and there are trust issues.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 05/08/2013 10:04

This all sounds very strange

I am at a loss to understand it, not least how your friend knew the size of your teenage son's penis

So I shall fall back onto the tried and trusted LTB approach because it sounds like one hell of a Fuck up to me

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