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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my partner to be friendly with a woman who I no longer speak to?

141 replies

Oohmeback · 05/08/2013 01:17

Background, I had been friends with a woman for many years she is very rude offensive and overopiniated but for some reason she gets away with it, people tend to just say ' oh thats how she is' but the last straw was she came to my house was horribly rude, offensive disrespectful and inappropriate to me and my son while DP was there and I said enough is enough and cut her off. This was about a year ago. Fast forward to yesterday evening, he comes in from work and is getting ready to go out. I ask him where he is going he says 'to YOUR friends for a drink'. erm, after I cut her off and you know why, why would you be doing that?!?!?!? And the emphasis on 'your' like he was doing me a favour!

Apparently mine and her falling out is between us two and nothing to do with him and he thought we had sorted it out! Well if we had dont you think I would have been invited for a drink too? Apparently IABU and like drama.....

I never asked him to stop speaking to her , thats not me ,but this socialising for no reason? Come the fuck on! AIBU?

OP posts:

pigletmania · 05/08/2013 10:05

Op he sounds awfully disrespectful to you. I would not want anything to do with someone who was rude and offensive to my partner or husband. You need to pull him up on it. It's very off and suspect tat he communicates with her!

YouStayClassySanDiego · 05/08/2013 10:06

How long have you been with this man?

LEMisdisappointed · 05/08/2013 10:12

oh my God!! she sounds fucking vile - if he wants to still be friends with someone who can say that then quite frankly, id want nothing to do with him either

Sallystyle · 05/08/2013 10:14

I would be devestated. He is an arsehole.

I would bet my last pound that he is having an affair with her or wants to. I know that sounds harsh but it doesn't sound good does it? :(

Original poster

Oohmeback · 05/08/2013 10:28

Well even if he wanted to, she wouldnt as i know that she doesnt find him attractive at all. We have been together for 5 years.

OP posts:

seanbonbon · 05/08/2013 10:53

Maybe she isn't attracted to him but finds the attention flattering?

I would not be happy with this set-up at all. Even before you fell out , he seemed far too involved; inviting himself around to her house & ringing her? Why on earth would he ring her?

My husband never rings my friends no matter how well they get on and vice versa

pigletmania · 05/08/2013 11:02

My goodness leave te bastard! He is not respecting you, does not sound like he cares. She sound vile and toxic, referring to your ds genitali lik that, a your partner wants to be friend with her

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 05/08/2013 11:06

YANBU. But speaking from weary and jaded experience, you probably only have two choice: either to put up with his behaviour with her, or to LTB. The knowledge of your unreasonableness will probably not suffice to keep him away from her.

burstingbaboon · 05/08/2013 12:11

YANBU at all!! O my! I would be very upset and actually quite concerned if that's my DH! He is socialising with someone who openly disrespected you and your DC in your own house and on top of that he keeps calling her!!!! If he doesn't understand say it to him In simple language! It can't happen anymore! No phone calls, no going out with her!
I would literally tell him you can't go out with her for a drinks and if you go there will be different situation in the house! I am angry on your behalf and he doesn't see how much she is disrespecting you by not inviting you over?!?!?

hamab · 05/08/2013 12:37

YANBU Whilst I think everyone is free to choose their own friends, this is just bizarre. I would be angry in your position. She is playing games to spite you. There is a woman I can't stand who is forever asking if my dh would like to come to this or that event (I'm never invited and she knows me a lot better than him). He wouldn't in a million years go and leave me sat at home because it's just plain mean.

LaRegina · 05/08/2013 12:48

This is a fucked-up situation in so many ways I don't know where to start.

Firstly your partner should support you and not want anything to do with somebody who has been so rude to you. The fact that he's been contacting her and wanting to see her is shocking!

Secondly - how does this ex friend know anything about the size of your teenage son's penis?

Thirdly - where is the love, support and respect in your relationship? I see none. What are you actually gaining from being with him?

LaRegina · 05/08/2013 12:49

And Fourthly (!) forgot to add - why don't you now know whether he did even go or not? Was he out or wasn't he? Do you not even communicate?

Original poster

Oohmeback · 05/08/2013 12:56

He came home in the small hours and i had already gone to bed so we didnt speak, yesterday he pretty much ignored me. I emailed him this morning to ask him as i cant talk to him right now because i know it will turn into an argument. He is one of the people that says 'oh you know what she's like, thats just the way she is'.....

This is weird to write down. My son was born with a huuuuuge penis, it was the first thing his Dad told everyone about, even before the weight, name etc. Everybody who ever saw him naked as a child commented on it, not in a pervy way , more of a OMG!!! The way this ex friend has gone on about it over the years, (long after everybody else has stopped talking about it, as he no longer runs around with no pants on, he's a big boy now,) you would think its the 8th wonder of the world.

OP posts:

SlimePrincess · 05/08/2013 12:57

This is all very strange. How the actual fuck does she know what your sons penis is like?

CrabbyBigBottom · 05/08/2013 12:57

Why on earth are you with this man - he sounds like an absolute prize cock!

SlimePrincess · 05/08/2013 12:59

O sorry you had already answered {blush}

She sounds a bit bizarre.

LaRegina · 05/08/2013 13:06

Ok. So your ex-friend is weird - and really ignorant and inappropriate. You're clearly well rid of her.

But your partner is the problem now because you needed to cut this woman out of your lives and he's not allowing you to do this. I would tell him there is no compromise on this. He stops contacting her, end of.

And then decide if you actually are getting anything at all out of this relationship anyway.

minouminou · 05/08/2013 13:51

Why's he not talking to you, OP?

Original poster

Oohmeback · 05/08/2013 13:56

good question minouminou i think probably because he knows he is in the wrong.

OP posts:

minouminou · 05/08/2013 14:01

Is there a physical reason as well? Work?
How long did the silence at home last for?

I'm wondering if something untoward happened at this party and he's waiting for you to find out. Not necessarily anything dodgy between your partner and this woman, but there might have been a row or something.

Original poster

Oohmeback · 05/08/2013 14:11

He has replied to my email and said that he didnt go. He keeps in touch with her because he feels that 'its the right thing to do' She is not and has never been his friend, i genuinely dont understand. He has said that we should make up in the past but i dont unsderstand why he cares about it so much? Its too late for me, there are just some things that i cant let slide. Its not like this was an isolated incident, she has said things to me, other friends, on Facebook ( yeah, i know) elders that she should respect and to my shame, i havent pulled her up and just ignored it but that was it for me. Who needs that in their life, not I.

OP posts:

BurningBridges · 05/08/2013 14:13

My "D" H does this all the time - some people may have seen me post about him taking his brother's side when his family turned against me 12 years ago, ok that's family so not really the same - but we also had really appalling rows with a couple of neighbours, serious stuff. One set of neighbours we sort of made an uncomfortable peace with, manage to be polite etc., but the others who did something illegal (sorry too sensitive to reveal but it affected DCs very badly) I thought ok well we just live with it and get on with life, but "D" H goes out of his way to chat to them, especially the wife. Not just saying hello or good morning, but actually instigating simpering conversations with her.

A friend said she felt its was if he wants to be seen to be the really nice guy that everyone loves, when in fact people think he's a pushover and a bit thick. I've noticed it particularly with women, its important to him that they "like" him.

No real insight OP, but the situation you describe sadly wouldn't be too out of place in our house I wonder if anyone else will come on and say they have this problem too?

AnyFucker · 05/08/2013 14:15

OP, have you considered that he is having an affair with her right under your nose and her attempts to upset you were made deliberately to put space between you and him ?

It's working, isn't it ?

AnyFucker · 05/08/2013 14:16

if he didn't see her, but didn't come home until the small hours, then where did he go ?

Original poster

Oohmeback · 05/08/2013 14:21

Burningbridges he definitely always wants to be seen as a nice guy, and often states, oh so and so likes me dont they? Or says things like, every body at work likes me, make of that what you will.
Anyfucker i really dont think thats the case. As i have said before, she is very rude and inapproprriate and has told me on more than one occasion and unprompted i might add in no uncertain terms how unnatractive she thinks he is.

OP posts:

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