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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want our baby to have my surname?

237 replies

ellie19812 · 04/08/2013 13:50

Our baby is due in January, we are living together however the idea of marriage does not appeal to me (maybe this will change in the future, I don't know yet).

Anyway, I really want our baby to have my surname, however he and his family have assumed the baby will take on his surname.

AIBU?

OP posts:
squoosh · 05/08/2013 10:28

I don't think Curlew was being condescending, countless women do say 'oh I never really liked my name anyway' when explaining why they took their husband's name. It's a fact. Maybe some men have changed their name for this reason too but I've never come across one in my life.

Bowlersarm · 05/08/2013 10:36

I think you are correct Squoosh and women who wanted to change their name feel like they have to justify it to people like Curlew, by saying something along those lines.

But I think you are wrong in thinking Curlew isn't being condescending; it seems to ooze from his/her posts this morning.

Bowlersarm · 05/08/2013 10:38

......maybe 'patronising' would be a better word.....

curlew · 05/08/2013 10:40

"Try to remove the sarcastic incredulity from your posting voice, Curlew."

Why? The suggestion that this is not a gender issue is absolutely barking mad. "Thousands and thousands of women face this issue" "I know a man who faced it too- so it's not a gender issue at all"

HRHLadyG · 05/08/2013 10:41

YANBU. In the future you would find it very difficult to change your childs surname in the event that you and partner separated.

Cavort · 05/08/2013 11:26

I know a man who took his wife's name on marriage. Well, kind of - they double barrelled so are now both Mr & Mrs Hername-Hisname. They don't want any DC's so it was purely because they wanted the same name as each other and couldn't agree on either one. I don't think there's any right or wrong here, it's whatever works for the individual.

One of my reasons for getting married was because we were going to TTC and I wanted any future DC's to have the same name as both parents. This is not necessarily the 'correct' viewpoint but it is mine which I am perfectly entitled to and I couldn't give a fuck what anyone else thinks because it works for us.

OP good luck talking to your DP about it. I hope you can come to a solution which you are both happy with. Smile

curlew · 05/08/2013 11:55

The only right or wrong is when women are expected to give up their names, when men got arsey if they don't, when women do it without thinking about it at all,and when women spout bullshit about "Oh, I never liked my name anyway" rather than just agreeing that they are going along with tradition, or like the supposed status that being Mrs Hisname still appears to confer.

WeAreEternal · 05/08/2013 12:09

I love my surname, I always have. I was never that enthusiastic about getting marries and I don't like DPs bring surname so I have kept my name.

When we had DS we argued a lot about who's surname he would have.
But I am never going to change my name, and I do not want a different name to my children.
For me it wasn't not about anything other than that I love my name.

Snog · 05/08/2013 17:09

blimey what a bunch of traditionalists you are...why on earth should children take the fathers surname?? its 2013. women and children are not chattel!!

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 05/08/2013 17:23

"I consider my self to be a semi-feminist in that I believe women should be equal to men in all areas, but we are not. In some we are better, in others they are. Why can't that be ok. Why does it have to be about the patriarchy, just live your life as you want"

Firstly, women are only able to live their lives as they want to because other women have fought the battle for them.
Secondly, we still need to 'smash the patriarchy' whilst, for example, women earn less than men for in the same role.
And thirdly, what do women do less well than men? Shock

I have kept my surname after marriage. Dd has dh's, as no other living relative shares his surname and it was important to him. Less so to me.

eccentrica · 05/08/2013 17:28

I haven't read all of the responses, but my daughter has my surname. She has DP's surname as her second middle name i.e.
Firstname Middlename Hisname Myname

We didn't argue about it, it seemed reasonable. I don't especially like my name, but

  1. we're not married so I don't see why she should have his name rather than mine
  2. his name is EXTREMELY common and pretty boring (this is not something we disagree on)
  3. my family name is unique, there are only about 15 people in the world who have the same surname as me
  4. in practice, I take her to most of her GP/HV/dentist appointments, deal with her school etc. This is easier if she and I have the same surname

If you and your DP have a sensible relationship surely it shouldn't be a huge sticking point either way?

Jan49 · 05/08/2013 17:36

I've always disliked my surname but I still didn't feel the need to change to my h's surname when I got married. We discussed all the options - double barrelled, new combination surname, him taking mine or vice versa, and decided that doing nothing was the best option.Smile

Alisvolatpropiis · 05/08/2013 17:40

Exactly Snog - now it is a choice.

In the great scheme of things taking my dp's name and giving it to any future dc's is a non issue.

As was your child taking your name.

That's the beauty of choice no?

Alisvolatpropiis · 05/08/2013 17:41

morecrack

Peeing standing up is a male skill I have long envied. Grin

Bowlersarm · 05/08/2013 18:23

Snog great that you've recognised that some women are traditionalists.

And don't need you to speak for them and decide what is right (or not) for them to do. Would have been nice if you could have said it without calling them chattels as well, but heyho.

As a feminist, surely you think they should have their say?

Blu · 05/08/2013 18:39

Over a third of DS's primary class had hyphenated surnames.

Just use both, in the order they sound best. Very simple.

The next generation can do what they like because I won't be pressurising like all these old fashioned interfering In-Laws.

Snog · 05/08/2013 19:17

Just asking WHY you would give your child the father's surname, that is all.
People on this thread called me weird for giving dd my surname, but I think it's a weird decision to give your child the father's surname.
I'm not objecting to people who make this choice just surprised about how many people still do.

motherinferior · 05/08/2013 19:21

Agree with Snog. I find it really very odd indeed.

curlew · 05/08/2013 19:24

It's also something people seem to get very defensive and angry about. Odd.

Bowlersarm · 05/08/2013 19:26

Yes Curlew because you are making them feel bad about it. Odd of you, I'd suggest.

Bue · 05/08/2013 19:29

Meanwhile, I dislike the idea that his mother will be more represented on our kids' birth certificates than I will be.

But it's OK that his father will be more represented that you are?

Snog · 05/08/2013 19:29

Bowlersarm who is making you feel bad about your choice and why?

kim147 · 05/08/2013 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bowlersarm · 05/08/2013 19:38

Snog You are.

You talk about women who decide to take their husbands name as 'chattels'. And find it 'bizarre' that children take their fathers name.

Well thanks for belittling my choices.

sonlypuppyfat · 05/08/2013 19:44

Hundreds of years of tradition and its bizarre, how odd.

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