To want our baby to have my surname?

[ellie19812]

Our baby is due in January, we are living together however the idea of marriage does not appeal to me (maybe this will change in the future, I don't know yet).

Anyway, I really want our baby to have my surname, however he and his family have assumed the baby will take on his surname.

AIBU?

YANBU to want the baby to have your surname. Why shouldn't he/she. I'm not personally so keen on doubling up names. But that's up to the individual. And some names don't go together very well.

We've gone with mine as an almost middle name even though its certainly not a name name like spencer could be and dps as the surname. Double barrelled meant his name would have been rediculously long but it was important to both of us as our names are pretty rare nowadays.

Double-barrelling is only a short-term solution though, as what happens when the child gives birth/gets married?

If two people having two surnames (or double-barrelled name) get married they can each choose one to join with the other. My personal suggestion would be that women continue with their mother's and men with their father's.

That way - it's completely fair on both parties, both mothers and fathers are equally acknowledged, all members of the same family (with kids) have the same surname, plus it would be easy to trace family trees if everyone did this.

Spanish people have two surnames without this "short-term solution" problem, though I think they give weight to the man's name?

We are not married and the boys have dp's surname. If I coul go back, I think I'd probably insist that they had both - one as a middle name rather than double-barrelled though. I did go through a phase of not liking having a different name, but I'm used to it now.

If you want the baby to have your name, fair enough, but I'd suggest double-barelling or using your dp's name as a middle name.

Sorry I do usually read the whole thread but have skimmed this one, if you keep your own surname surely you're still buying into the Patriarchal way of thinking as most of us will actually have our Dad's surname?
The only way to actively avoid it is to make up a surname of your own for you all to take, or just one for the DC's...
DS was born 2 years before we got married, he has his Dad's surname not mine. Partly at least because mine is spelled rather oddly and I didn't want to saddle the DC's with years of correcting other people!

YANBU

For centenaries children have taken their mother's surname, this has been the same as the father's if they were married and he had changed his name.

If you are primary care-giver then you are far more likely to be left holding the baby whilst he leaves than vice-versa and in that case you will want the baby to have your name. He is free to change his surname to yours by deed poll if its important to him.

Disclaimer: married and name-changed.

I am always fascinated that only women ever have difficult, embarrassing, ugly sounding, hard to spell last names........

Curlew not quite true...
Ask my Dad he's spent 50 odd years correcting people!

I name changed on marriage, that was another reason we gave Ds his Dad's name but in all honesty I was quite traditional at that point and never even considered any other way. If others were honest I think an awful lot would be the same.
If we did it all again? I would possibly think differently, not too sure.

"Ask my Dad he's spent 50 odd years correcting people!"

But presumably he didn't take the opportunity to change it when he got married, as so many women do?

I am always fascinated that only women ever have difficult, embarrassing, ugly sounding, hard to spell last names........

They don't. I know men who have changed their name on marriage for similar reasons.

Very, very, very few men change their surname.

No, for the same reason I didn't. Tradition. They married in the 70's, wasn't the done thing, certainly not where they lived at the time.
It's not something we've ever discussed really, maybe he would have done if it had been an issue. It's interesting really, I might ask them both about it

"They don't. I know men who have changed their name on marriage for similar reasons."

Do you? Wow- how many? I am incredibly old and have never heard of a man doing this!

Kim147 my brother-in-law changed his name because he didn't like it, to a different family name (much to my sisters delight; she wanted to change her name when she got married -who can imagine that?- and much preferred his new name)

Try to remove the sarcastic incredulity from your posting voice, Curlew.

Curlew see my post above.

It would be interesting to look at kim, buggered if I can find any though! I can find small polls like the one done by FB or various panting websites, nothing official though.

Parenting websites. Not panting. I suspect that may be somewhat different...

Hardly any men do change their name Kim, I know.

But just throwing my experience in, when you are saying I've never heard any man say they don't like their name.. and Curlews rather condescending I am always fascinated that only women ever have difficult, embarrassing, ugly sounding hard to spell last names because I have direct experience of a man, in my close family, who didn't like his name, and changed it accordingly.

My mum, now aged 69, has recently said that if she could do everything over again, she would not have changed her name.

It's not that she doesn't like her married name, just that she really prefers her maiden name. But of course, it was the done thing in the 60s to change the surname.

As for me, I was given my dad's surname, yes, but at the moment I was given it, that surname became mine, too.

So I have never changed my name, and won't. It's double barrelled already so no chance of double-barrelling it with DP's surname. And DP's surname is as long as mine.

DP and I discussed which name the DCs would have. As I have a brother who has passed the surname on, it wasn't such a big deal for me to pass it on as well. But DP is the last in his line and really wanted to carry his surname on.

So I have a different surname to the rest of the family. Does it matter? No, because we are a family unit and do not depend on sharing a name to be that unit. People who know us, know we are a unit and don't need us to be sharing a name to remember that.

But I also have an individual identity, and my name is certainly part of that.

If two people having two surnames (or double-barrelled name) get married they can each choose one to join with the other. My personal suggestion would be that women continue with their mother's and men with their father's.

Whilst there is a lot of logic in this suggestion, my DP ain't going for it. He says "choosing" one of his names for our future DC's is impossible as they are both equally his name. Meanwhile, I dislike the idea that his mother will be more represented on our kids' birth certificates than I will be. And my lovely, welsh last name will die out....

Anyway, I'm sure some MN'ers would think he's being a right tit with his insistence on me and our progeny taking his name. But he's chosen to stay with me in NI than go back to England to be with his family. It's all give and take, and if me taking his mouthful of a name makes him happy (like he's made me) then I guess I'll grudgingly do it.