Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you invite a friend out for a Sunday afternoon drink

178 replies

theredhen · 04/08/2013 08:13

that they shouldn't just assume they can bring their 14 year old daughter along to sit with us?

Normally we meet for a coffee in Sunday mornings at her house or mine. I thought going out for a glass of wine would make a nice change.

The pub is 5 mins walk from her house. So no issues with being miles away or anything.

He daughter is a lovely girl but to be honest I struggle to understand why she would want to come to the pub and sit with two old farts. Wink

OP posts:
curlew · 04/08/2013 20:14

Children who like adult company- fine. And when appropriate, they can have it.

Children who prefer adult company- not fine. And should not be encouraged.

VelvetSpoon · 04/08/2013 20:16

Four, when I see friends other than in a group situation, it is usually at my home, so often my DC will be here, and might (or might not) join us. If however a friend saod they needed to speak to me without DC present, then of course I would respect that and ensure we were able to chat privately.

If I was meeting a friend for coffee or a drink, if I was bringing one of the DSs, I'd mention it beforehand. Again if friend was unhappy with that, I either wouldn't bring the DSs, or rearrange for a time when they weren't around.

FryOneFatManic · 04/08/2013 20:20

Teens may well have the intellectual capacity to debate with adults. But many have not fully developed the emotional intelligence to handle some adult conversations.

So yes, there are times when I am happy to include my DCs. And equally, time when I think it's inappropriate.

Like going to a pub for anything other than a family meal. I would not be expecting a friend's teen to rock up when I'd arranged to meet up for a drink.

OP, I think you handled it well.

motherinferior · 04/08/2013 20:24

Actually by 14 or so I had amassed some friends and was keen on boys and parties. Three years later I got a scholarship to Oxford. Just saying.

I do actually rather hope your sons are a bit interested in sex. Whether with girls or boys. Age-appropriate innit. Though really I suspect they are just good at hiding it from their mum Grin

curlew · 04/08/2013 20:26

"My eldest DS doesn't have much in common with large sections of his peer group"

I'd be working on that, if I were you!

bigTillyMint · 04/08/2013 20:32

MI "I do actually rather hope your sons are a bit interested in sex" Grin

VelvetSpoon · 04/08/2013 20:39

Why should I work on it when the majority at that school (again, at better schools, things might be less black and white) are from the age of 13/14 interested in things which are actually against the law and inappropriate for their age?! What a ridiculous suggestion. I will be quite happy for my son to continue as he is with his current group of friends, his sporting pursuits, xbox, and so on.

I'm in no hurry for him to grow up, and happy for him to remain a child for as long as possible. Plenty of time for him to be out til midnight drinking or who knows what when he is 18 or over (he is still only 14 and one of the youngest in his year).

curlew · 04/08/2013 20:46

Ah. More intellectual snobbery.

motherinferior · 04/08/2013 20:48

If he's going into Y11 surely he's older than 14?

bigTillyMint · 04/08/2013 20:49

Yes, he must be at least 15.

You seem very down on the school he attends - was it impossible to find one which would better fit his/your needs and expectations?

Trills · 04/08/2013 20:50

Someone going into year 11 this September would turn 15 between beginning of Sept last year and end of Aug this year.

VelvetSpoon · 04/08/2013 20:51

He will be 15 later this month.

And how is it intellectual snobbery to say I'm happy he prefers football or xbox to smoking, or drinking, xboxes and the like are hardly held in high regard on here!

thebody · 04/08/2013 21:02

velvet, seriously the vast majority of teens of 15 arnt smoking and drinking either.

I had 2 dss now grown up and 2 dds. yes they like boys/girls and that's kinda normal and sociable. not just snogging either as friends.

my kids attend the local massive comp too.

youarewinning · 04/08/2013 21:23

If I go around someones house I expect and accept their children will be there. I don't mind if the children join in our conversation as long as it's politely and they don't try and change the topic of conversation to their own agenda. I am also more reserved in what I talk about.

If I arrange to meet someone out somewhere like pub I will text/ say "DS is at my mums, are you free to meet". My friends automatically know that means child free time! I know this because they'll say I'll see if mum/DH can have children/ will be in.

If I say - fancy a maccy D's/ bluebirds on Sunday they know I mean with children as they are family places.

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 04/08/2013 21:44

velvet You seem to have a real chip on your shoulder about your DS school - even if it is performing 'below average' in terms of academic achievement, I seriously doubt that your DS is the only high achiever.

Some of the best members of the debating society at our local school have been identified as having SEN - maybe if you encouraged your DS to stretch himself outside the comfort zone you have chosen for him, he (and you) would discover that those DCs who talk about getting drunk on a Friday night are capable and willing to debate issues such as police bodyworn cameras, minimum alcohol pricing, the legal minefield associated with legal highs and maybe even, the standard of education they are receiving!

VelvetSpoon · 04/08/2013 21:59

DI didn't say my son was the only high achiever. But as only a handful of the children in his year (not even all the top set in several subjects) are being entered for the highest GCSE papers, it will be clear standards are not great, very much as with the school I attended.

I'm sure there are many children, including DS, who would get a lot out of a debating society. However, there is nothing like that at DSs school, there's football, netball, and drama, but no other extra-curricular clubs unfortunately.

VelvetSpoon · 04/08/2013 22:02

That should be I. Not sure where the extra D came from...

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 04/08/2013 22:10

I'm sure there are many children, including DS, who would get a lot out of a debating society. However, there is nothing like that at DSs school, there's football, netball, and drama, but no other extra-curricular clubs unfortunately.

You know what, velvet? Those DCs that you encourage your DS not to associate with can make conversation without the need for a debating society - they can, just like your DS, initiate conversation about a range of issues, not just the ones you disapprove of.

It's statistically very unlikely that the schools in your area are lower in standards than the ones near me (DfE are very hands on here at the moment) and I can categorically assure you that none of the secondary schools are as one-dimensional as you are making the school your DS attends out to be.

Your DS undoubtedly is aware of your views about his peers; after all, he's an intelligent boy and you discuss issues with him as your intellectual equal - but he will, at his age, still be seeking parental approval. Hence, he is likely to be telling you what he thinks you want to hear. But, as an academic, you'd know that already, wouldn't you? It's a well documented phenomenon.

ExitPursuedByABear · 04/08/2013 22:14

Why didn't you choose a better school for your son, you being so clever and all?

curlew · 04/08/2013 22:17

And he can only associate with other high achievers?

VelvetSpoon · 04/08/2013 22:32

His main friendship groups are those with similar interests to him. Some are in his set, some the set below. He doesn't have much to do with the smokers and drinkers, irrespective of their intellectual ability, as they have no real common interests. He is friendly enough with them at school, but not outside of school.

And I don't need to encourage DS not to associate with the other groups, he and his group of friends choose not to - DS is for example vehemently anti-smoking as his grandparents died from related illnesses, so hanging around with smokers, when he has other friends who don't smoke, doesn't much interest him.

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 04/08/2013 22:55

DS is for example vehemently anti-smoking as his grandparents died from related illnesses, so hanging around with smokers, when he has other friends who don't smoke, doesn't much interest him.

Does he check whether your adult friends that he mixes with are non-smokers, too?
It's not unusual for friends not to know the other smokes if its only occasional, or in certain circumstances - are you sure none of your friends that your son associates with are smokers, velvet?

SuburbanRhonda · 04/08/2013 23:05

You're not coming over very well, velvet. And I pity your DS if he reads this because he's coming over as a bit of a oddball as well.

VelvetSpoon · 04/08/2013 23:19

Rhonda, as both my DSs are loved, healthy and happy, as am I, I really couldn't care less how we may, or may not come across on an anonymous forum. I'm not going to be crushed or upset by someone who doesn't know me saying I seem weird, or odd, or lacking in social skills, when nothing in my everyday life would suggest that to be the case.

xylem8 · 04/08/2013 23:35

If you want to meet up childfree, then probably Sunday afternoon isn't the best time to do it.Surely that's family time ?

Swipe left for the next trending thread