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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you invite a friend out for a Sunday afternoon drink

178 replies

theredhen · 04/08/2013 08:13

that they shouldn't just assume they can bring their 14 year old daughter along to sit with us?

Normally we meet for a coffee in Sunday mornings at her house or mine. I thought going out for a glass of wine would make a nice change.

The pub is 5 mins walk from her house. So no issues with being miles away or anything.

He daughter is a lovely girl but to be honest I struggle to understand why she would want to come to the pub and sit with two old farts. Wink

OP posts:
Dackyduddles · 04/08/2013 15:41

I think the amount of people me inc saying the were articulate /clever goes to show two things
A we all think we are in some way or another
B we all think our kids are

Thereby proving the point that the kids are equally able to join in or not and therefore don't have to be as if it were aiding development. It's as weird to be included every time as it is to be left out every time.

gamerchick · 04/08/2013 15:44

I prefer to see my friends on their own.. But one pal in particular, her daughter would insist on coming along and would follow us to the garden when we went for a smoke. It was tiresome and like I never really got to have a proper chat with her.

we go to bingo now for drinks and chats. No under 18s allowed.

NoelHeadbands · 04/08/2013 15:50

That's a really good idea gamer

Develop a penchant for bingo and Daniel O'Donnell concerts, that should repel even the most hardy of teens

Sparrowlegs248 · 04/08/2013 15:57

What Trills said. I used to swim with a work friend 2 - 3 lunchtimes per week. We did the old lady head out of water breast stroke, side by side, and chatted. Then het DP started joining us. Just annoying. Not the same. I started going on my own.

VitoCorleone · 04/08/2013 16:06

YANBU, id find that really fucking annoying.

BlueStones · 04/08/2013 16:30

Haven't read whole thread yet, but I wouldn't assume the daughter wanted to be there. My father would drag me to the pub - I was usually bored to tears. I still find it sad how may parents insist that sitting in pubs for hours is a suitable way for a child to spend their day.

Original poster
theredhen · 04/08/2013 16:39

Lots of response to my original post.

I text said friend and said I assumed it was going to be a teen free meet up and to her credit, she came back and said no problem and left her dd at home.

We've had a really nice afternoon. She got to talk about some of the problems with her dd father, which I know she's been wanting to talk about for ages.

She admits herself that she isn't used to spending quality time without her daughters and all her money and time goes on her girls.

I know she has had a nice time today and I'm sure her daughter was fine with spending a couple of hours home alone.

OP posts:
thebody · 04/08/2013 16:49

I am sorry but the people who insist that their children/teens are welcome to any and every adult gathering,and think that their friends arnt either raising their eyebrows or laughing at them behind their back are deluded.

they are on a par with the loud parenting brigade that try to impress us all with how bright their child is and how great they are as parents.

my teens were quite capable if talking politics and religion with me and dh and just as adept at talking about music and sport/makeup/ boys to their mates.

it's called well rounded.

if you take pride in separating your child from its peer group by telling that child they are in some way superior then that's a bit unfair.

op well handled.

Mrsrobertduvall · 04/08/2013 16:52

I met a friend for coffee this morning, and dd 16 asked if she could join us after she'd been to the gym.

I checked with friend who said no problem...we had an hour of inappropriate conversation before dd came. All fine.
I wouldn't dream of not asking friend first.

Bumpotato · 04/08/2013 16:55

YANBU, OPKs = PITA

ENormaSnob · 04/08/2013 17:01

Thinking more about this as ive just been out with 2 mates and we were discussing last nights antics.

We have neighbours whose teen dd always sits with the adults. No doubt they consider her intelligent and capable of adult interaction. They are wrong. Very wrong.

VelvetSpoon · 04/08/2013 17:08

Thebody, not deluded. I select my friends discerningly and wouldn't associate with the sort of ignorant, inadequate person who considers it appropriate to laugh at a young adult/ their parents behind their back. Its pathetic in the extreme.

I'm quite happy my teens have no interest in girls. I would rather they were talking knowledgeably about world events than obsessing over the opposite sex, alcohol or smoking as many of their peers (and the majority of mine as a young teen) do. I'm eternally grateful to my parents, because without being able to converse with them and their friends, there is no way I would have been articulate enough or comfortable enough with adult topics of conversation to make it through Oxbridge entrance.

paperclipsarebetterthanstaples · 04/08/2013 17:09

Yanbu - i love my DS, i think a lot of my friends' dc and we've just been for lunch with some friends and all the kids. It was lovely BUT the dynamic was completely different to if it was me and a friend in the pub.

I'm no reckless binge drinker anymore but at the pub with a friend i might want to talk about a film i've seen which wasn't a Pg, drink too many glasses of wine, confide about our crap sex life, comment on the handsome waiter, worry out loud about money, express concern about my mum... None of which i want my or my friends children to hear. Our conversation wouldn't be wild / weird / perverted but it sometimes wouldn't be appropriate for children

Parents who won't spend time away from their children are weird imho

Mrsrobertduvall · 04/08/2013 17:14

Ah you went to Oxbridge velevetspoon.
Grin

ItsAFuckingVase · 04/08/2013 17:17

The thing is, no doubt some teens are capable of joining in a discussion about certain adult topics - but none are capable of being part of a wholly adult conversation!

When I see my mates we talk about sex, drunken antics, our families, what we would have done with our lives if things had worked out differently etc etc. My dearest friend is going through a lot of problems conceiving, and I doubt he'd want to talk about it in the presence of a child. I shouldn't think it would be appropriate for me to talk about my sexual preferences in front of a friend's 14yr old daughter.

And really, the fact that the get together was taking place in a pub should really be suggestion enough that it was for some adult time!

ItsAFuckingVase · 04/08/2013 17:19

Velvet - I think that just highlights your lacking social skills really, as plenty of people have a normal childhood, are interested in the opposite sex and spend their time with their own friends and make it into Oxbridge!

thebody · 04/08/2013 17:26

velvet, I am happy my teens were interested in everything.

politics, religion, girls/boys, music, sport, etc.

one does not exclude the other.

well done on going to Oxbridge. my sister also went and trust me she's a bloody hoot.

nkf · 04/08/2013 17:27

This is another weirdo MN thread. Those that don't bring their kids along are child haters. And the ones that do have kids who are so vibrantly intelligent that they are worth listening to. Even Oxbridge has been mentioned. It's common courtesy to say that other people will be coming. Or to say, "I'm going to have to bring XX along." So everyone else knows that this will not be the time to spill the beans about the husband's erectile dysfunction. That last bit was a joke of course. But seriously. A heads up. It's only manners.

cushtie335 · 04/08/2013 17:35

Can I just say there's no such place as "Oxbridge". Velvet, you either went to Oxford or Cambridge, are you saying you passed the entrance exam for both these establishments?

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 04/08/2013 17:37

I wouldn't discuss my menopause symptoms, details of the latest mediation with my ex, resentment of my DSC, Concerns about my DD, or new business plans in front of my DF teen DD.

Perhaps your friends just don't confide in you, velvet, which is why you don't talk about things that would be inappropriate for your teens (or your DF teens) to be involved in?

cushtie335 · 04/08/2013 17:38

And back on topic, I don't think it was right that your friend brought someone else along, not because it was her 14 year old dd but because she had arranged to meet YOU and you were expecting to see her exclusively. It would have been just as annoying if she'd brought her DH, DB or NDN. My 16 year old dd often enjoys the company of my adult friends and is just as happy with people her own age or younger, I find it's personality that counts, not age, gender or relationship if you're going to get on with someone or not.

Lovecat · 04/08/2013 17:38

Glad it worked out, OP.

I met a friend at the pub the other day, we talked about her latest misadventures on the online dating scene (in graphic detail), career worries, my annoyances with DH, weight issues - none of which I'd want my DD to hear, quite frankly.

Velvetspoon, I would love to know what your parents' friends really thought when you rocked up ready to talk politics when all they wanted was to discuss who was shagging who last night's telly. I'm sure they were lovely to your face and indulged your desire for intelligent debate. Once you'd gone home though....Confused

Regarding your teenage peer group and that of your sons', I'm actually at a loss to how you can have a conversation that's solely about about smoking or alcohol. It can't last very long...

Thick teen #1 I love cider
Thick teen #2 Snakebite is better
Thick teen #1 And rollies are cheaper than Benny Henny
Thick teen #2 True dat

Erm.... ? I refuse to believe that that is ALL your sons' peer group talks about and it suggests to me that you dismiss them unfairly and don't really pay much attention to them. Intellectual snobbery is not attractive.

Btw, I was that child too, and I had feck all social skills with my peer group so ended up chatting in a hideously precocious way to adults (I lacked the social skills to tell that I was getting in the way) about animal rights, nuclear disarmament and politics. I'm grateful they were kind enough not to tell me to do one, but looking back, I'd much rather have had friends my own age.

VelvetSpoon · 04/08/2013 17:40

Itsa, how odd you think I lack social skills. That's not something I have ever been accused of, quite the opposite in fact. I assume your reasoning is based on the fact that at 14 I wasn't interested in drinking white lightning in the park, or shagging half the boys in my town, or discussing either subject? What a strange viewpoint to take.

ItsAFuckingVase · 04/08/2013 17:48

Uhm no it's based on you disregarding those who converse about anything less intellectual than politics and current affairs and your "better than them" attitude when talking both about yourself and your son.

Someone with decent social skills can mix, converse and be friends with people with a large range of interests, backgrounds and intellectual levels. Even more so, those who are truly socially adept can not only mix with different people, but can clearly appreciate the different dynamics brought to a group by those people.

ENormaSnob · 04/08/2013 17:50

Thats it lovecat.

I am always pleasant and chatty to ndn dd. Really she irritates the shit out of me and i would rather she wasnt there.

She, and her parents, no doubt feel she is a delight. She isnt. She just comes across as precocious.