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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think if you invite a friend out for a Sunday afternoon drink

178 replies

theredhen · 04/08/2013 08:13

that they shouldn't just assume they can bring their 14 year old daughter along to sit with us?

Normally we meet for a coffee in Sunday mornings at her house or mine. I thought going out for a glass of wine would make a nice change.

The pub is 5 mins walk from her house. So no issues with being miles away or anything.

He daughter is a lovely girl but to be honest I struggle to understand why she would want to come to the pub and sit with two old farts.

OP posts:

cushtie335 · 04/08/2013 17:51

Well said ItsaFuckingVase. The last post from Velvet is one of the most patronising and condescending I've read on here. The teenagers I know through my dd have a wide variety of interests and make great contributions to conversations which doesn't mean they don't enjoy the odd Budweiser, snog or sneaky fag. :)

VelvetSpoon · 04/08/2013 17:52

lovecat I didn't say that's all my DCs peer group discuss, but my eldest DS has told me whole sections of his year (he is about to start year 11) are now interested in little other than alcohol, getting stoned, or girls. He has no interest in any of those things, whilst he still has friends who are like him, and share his interests, his friendship groups are much smaller than they were.

Unfortunately at schools with very low academic standards/attainment, and which are almost determinedly non-aspirational, such as the one my DS attends (which is very like my own school), this is often the case. As I said upthread, attending a more academic school at 16 was the first time I was around girls my age who had interests in politics, religion, etc, and wanted to discuss and debate such topics.

peteypiranha · 04/08/2013 17:53

I cant see you sons having successful relationships, friendships or marriages if they have the attitude that they are more intelligent than everyone. It will be quite a lonely existence for them.

pictish · 04/08/2013 17:54

What's all of this self congratulatory preening got to do with the fact that I don't want your son listening to my business Velvet?

eddiemairswife · 04/08/2013 18:02

VelvetSpoon=intellectual snob!

VelvetSpoon · 04/08/2013 18:04

This really is a bizarre thread. From trying to explain why, as a teen, I enjoyed the opportunity to spend time conversing with adults, because none of my peers (until I changed schools at 16) were 'into' the same things as I was, we have now descended into me being told I am socially inadequate and my children will have unhappy lives.

For the record, I don't take my children along every time I meet a friend. They are not privy to every conversation I ever have. If they want to speak to a friend who is visiting they will - just as I'd speak to a friend's DC. I don't talk about much I would feel uncomfortable with DC hearing, but if I did need to discuss such a subject, or friend asked for a private word or even as in the OPs case said 'I thought this was just us adults' or words to that effect, I'd be happy to go along with it. I do not insist my DC are a constant presence, but I like having them around, and I wouldn't expect them to be neither seen nor heard if my friends were round.

Lovecat · 04/08/2013 18:05

I repeat: Intellectual Snobbery is never attractive :)

bigTillyMint · 04/08/2013 18:09

I know no boys or girls of 11+ who would want to go and sit with their parent(s) and their adult friends in the pub/café whatever unless there were other children there to talk to/go off with. This has simply never arisen in any of my circles of friends.

How sad for your DS's, velvet, to never seem to have any children to socialise with. Did you not want to try to ensure that your childhood experiences were not repeated?

Capitola · 04/08/2013 18:10

My 14 year old loves adult company, and I find him great to chat with.

But - he would entirely cramp my style with a girlfriend over a drinks situation and whilst I might think he's tremendously interesting, I am pretty sure that view might not be shared by my friends who want to talk about sex.

nkf · 04/08/2013 18:12

Velvetspoon, it's not that bizarre. You are just not getting that although you, brainbox that you are, enjoyed adult company, sometimes adults don't want the company of teens. That's all. You got a lot out of it. Sometimes, adult women want to talk to other adult women with only other adult women present.

NoComet · 04/08/2013 18:13

Interlectal snobbery and having intellegent peers and stimulating adult friends encorages DCs to work hard at school, go to university, earn good money and meet nice partners.

I'd much teach my DDs a bit of interllectual snobbery than, than have them hang out talking about boys, booze and soap operas all day.

cushtie335 · 04/08/2013 18:15

StarBallBunny If I could actually read your post I could make a decision whether to agree or disagree with it. I sincerely hope you're being "ironic".

VelvetSpoon · 04/08/2013 18:17

Tilly, where please have I said my DSs have no friends of their own age? That isn't the case at all.

As for the suggestion I'm an intellectual snob, anyone who knows me in RL would find that utterly laughable.

Lj8893 · 04/08/2013 18:36

Well unfortunately velvet we don't know you in real life and on here you are certainly doing a very good job of making yourself look like an intellectual snob.

I have just read this whole thread and every single one of your posts has just made me think "yuk"

HotCrossPun · 04/08/2013 18:40

It doesn't really matter whether the teenagers ''prefer the company of adults.''

The point is, when you arranged to meet a friend you don't bring any stragglers along without letting them know first.

Its bad manners.

curlew · 04/08/2013 18:50

Nothing worse in a child than Don's Disease!

thebody · 04/08/2013 19:06

what I don't get is posters who seem proud and a tad smug that their children don't get in with their peer group.

also that teens are divided into those who drink/smoke/drug/have sex and those who talk politics and religion with mummy and daddies friends.

normal teens can do it all can't they( except drugs)

VelvetSpoon · 04/08/2013 19:19

Thebody, if that comment was directed at me, you clearly haven't read my posts properly.

My eldest DS doesn't have much in common with large sections of his peer group. He does however still have plenty of friends who he plays X box with, and makes videos for youtube when of course he isn't engaging in highbrow intellectual debate with me and my friends :).

At a school with better academics, and a broader range of pupils, he might well have even more friends, who may well fall between the two camps, rather than into one or the other. Certainly that was my experience of changing schools when I was 16.

Lovingmybabiesbottom · 04/08/2013 19:32

It has just hit me who velvet reminds me of..... Adrian Mole!

pictish · 04/08/2013 19:38

ImperialBlether · 04/08/2013 19:45

I would be so disappointed if my friend brought her child along with her when I was expecting a private conversation.

In my opinion people should have some time every now and then when they are themselves, not parents. If your child is sitting there you have to censor what you say - surely to god you have a different conversation when they're not there than you do when they are? Just the language you use, the opinions you have; you don't necessarily want your children to witness this.

I'd be disappointed in my friend because I'd think she'd understood that.

It's the same when women bring their husbands along - it's particularly galling if you don't have a really close friendship with the guy. So you turn up thinking you're going to have a nice time and your heart sinks when you see who's there.

Pinupgirl · 04/08/2013 19:48

Yanbu-I have a friend who regularly brings her 15 year old dd when we meet for coffee.Does my tits in-if I wanted the company of kids I would have brought my own.Lol at the adults on here boasting about what precocious kids they were.You do realise the adults whose company you kept probably thought you were huge pains in the arse?

ImperialBlether · 04/08/2013 19:50

I agree with you, Pinupgirl. I've no idea why they do it and why they think everyone else will be pleased about it.

Fourwillies · 04/08/2013 20:04

Velvet, suppose we were friends, and I really needed to sound off about my very personal issues, I wouldn't want your children to hear about it.
I don't doubt that your children might be clever enough to understand the technical side of say, fertility treatment, but they have no chance of having the emotional maturity needed to empathise with such a situation.
You keep coming back to how bright you were, and how bright your son is, but that misses the point entirely. Adult conversation isn't always about intellectual subjects, it can also be about subjects which thankfully teens don't need to have the maturity to grasp. So assuming your son is always welcome, without checking with the other party, is a grave mistake.

Splitheadgirl · 04/08/2013 20:06

I hate it when I am looking forward to a good catch up with a friend, and along she comes with a gatecrasher. Do they not think for one second how that comes across?? Like they don't care if I am going to be put out and they don't really value my company enough to just spend time with me and only me.

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