Aibu to have bad vibes and avoid unsupervised, 5 year old neighbour

[jessieagain]

I am wondering if I'm being unreasonable about this and what you would do. We have recently moved into a new flat. Next to our flat is a playground.

I take my 2 year old there a couple of times a week.

I doesnt get used much as there is a big and much better playground in a park close by. Occasionally there are 1-2 children there with their parents, sometimes a couple of 4-10 years olds together or an older child 9+ by themself. My son is quite interested in playing with other people and usually runs up to them so we end up having a chat.

Twice however there has been a young girl about 5 who has been by herself, she has a bike with her that makes my son pretty excited about so he runs over to her.

The first time she was quite bossy to him about not touching her bike and was shouting no at him, so I distracted him and got him away to play on the swings. She followed us over and kept trying to talk to him and me, I tried to discourage her hanging around us by not really answering her questions andby talking to ds but she kept in trying to talk to us. I decided to leave the playground and take ds to the park so we could get away from her and she suddenly started whining and begging to come too. I said she couldn't as she needed her own parent to take her and she started shouting an crying saying that she wanted to come and it wasn't fair etc. I said goodbye, picked up ds and walked away quickly.

Yesterday we met her again at the playground and it started similarly with her saying ds couldn't touch her bike so I told ds we needed to go back to our flat (fortunately he had had enough of a play so didnt mind). I picked him up and started walking away. She started running towards us with her bike, shouting for us to not go and then she fell over on top of her bike and started crying as well. I was about 6 metres away from her by then, so called out that she was ok and should go home to her parents and kept walking away.

I was very uncomfortable about this whole situation, I think she is far too young to be by herself and her behaviour is too erratic and hysterical so I don't want her near me or ds. I get a really bad vibe around her and don't want to be around her again, but I feel bad about this as she is only a little girl. Aibu about this?

This thread has explained a lot to me that I have never understood about my childhood.

Now I can see that some people are happy pretending that abuse/neglect doesn't exist. They are more comfortable blaming the child rather than face up to their own confusion over the matter. They think that 'protecting' themselves or their own children is a reasonable excuse for walking away.

I never understood how it took so long for the neglect that happened to my siblings and I to be taken seriously. I knew people knew about it, and I waited and waited for someone with some power - a grown up - to do something. But it never happened. I had to make it happen myself. I spent 12 miserable years wondering around like that little girl, and finally got the courage to make changes for myself. A 5 year old can't do that.

I feel so sad for this little girl, and so incredibly angry and disgusted by people like the OP.

:(

I think, if anyone's behaviour is erratic and hysterical, it's yours op!

Running away from a 5yr old because she dared try & talk to you & your PFB?

And it's perfectly normal for a child to be a little possessive of their toys. I dare say your son is or will be at some point too.

You are modelling rude & antisocial & uncaring behaviour to your son.

Grow up & phone social services, there is a child being neglected & all you're bothered about is 'weird vibes'

I am finding this thread very depressing. I am staggered that a grown adult would identify a child which has vulnerability written all over them, recognise this clearly, describe them in the terms the OP does but their reaction is not to worry about them or help. It is to actively run away from them. It is not normal or okay for your main concern to be with yourself and your son in this situation. Lilka's post was to explain why exactly you should be concerned about this child, not , as you seem to have inferred, as an excuse to justify why you behaved as you did.

I am going to write something, and i want you to read it, properly read it and believe it, then with this in mind behave appropriately, like an empathetic human being:

YOU ARE AN ADULT.

I am honestly aghast that you put your own (very strange) feelings of discomfort before the welfare of a small child, OP.

Glad you called SS, but the normal response would have been to talk to her, find out where she lives and where her parents are and either take her home or call the police. She is five years old, FGS. Grow up!

OP, the language you use about this child is extremely unpleasant. You 'don't want her around [you] or [your] ds'. She is 'erratic' and 'hysterical' (she is a child!!!). You are justifying yourself by citing her plastic baseball bat, FFS. And as for walking away when she had fallen over, hurt herself and was crying I'm sorry to be so harsh, but you should be ashamed of yourself for having done that. I honestly can't fathom your lack of empathy.

It surely can't be that hard, next time you see this little girl, to ask her gently where her parents are and take her to them.

Agree with the poster who said you are setting a terrible example to your son in acting like this. Do grow up a bit and take some responsibility. I'm not normally this harsh, but your account has made me very angry.

amessagetoyouYoni you wrote "Glad you called SS". Where did you get that idea? She hasn't called anyone AFAIK.

Yeah, when I described the behaviour of neglected children, I wasn't trying to imply it's terrible and you should all protect your children. If THAT's all you got out of my original post OP, try reading it again.

That girls behaviour is nothing to be frightened of. If an adult only has experience with neurotypical children raised in a safe and nurturing environment, then children like this girl might seem strange and their behaviour may be slightly unnerving simply because it's different, but as an adult, you just have to make the extra effort to overcome your own mental reservations. She isn't displaying any extreme behaviour and hasn't tried to hurt you.

I understand that you might find talking very hard, but as an adult why are your own nerves more important than this child? That I don't understand.

I'm sorry Loopla :( It is sad that people 'care' about child abuse or neglect or the wefare of vulnerable children when it's in the newspaper but when they see vulnerable, or even abused children in real life, apathy, fear and 'I don't care', and every other excuse on the sun come into play. I'm also very familiar with 'Poor Baby P/Daniel Pelka, I'd hug them/adopt them/wish I could take them home' but when faced with abused children in the flesh, suddenly the kids are 'badly behaved, 'trainwrecks', don't want my children near them'

Loopla

Stinky - you sound wonderful! It must be exhausting but you are making such a difference to lots of people's lives there.

I thought she said she had? Sorry if I misunderstood

If you take a 5 y.o. back to her home, you get a mouthful of abuse from the parent who obviously believes her child is fine to play alone outside and thinks you're interfering or may accuse you for having taken their child out of the playground. You already know the parent thinks it's fine because they are doing it. So it's about as useful as going up to a 3 y.o. drinking coke and taking it off the child and telling the mother she's wrong.

I wouldn't call the police/SS either unless I thought there were signs of a problem other than being allowed out alone. In this case, the OP doesn't actually know how old the child is anyway. There have also been threads here where people say they are happy with their 3 or 4 y.o.'s playing out with other children. When there were threads here about April Jones being abducted and murdered, I didn't see anything here or in the news suggesting the parents were wrong to let her play outside alone. So how comes it's wrong on this thread when a 5 y.o. is out alone?

I wouldn't do anything unless the child is in actual obvious danger because the parents will just disagree with you and nothing will be achieved.

The sort of child who is 'known' to others. What DO you mean?

Known to be at risk?

Known to be available to random passing adults as she is not supervised and is desperate for attention?

A little girl who no one would miss?

You obviously feel something is not right with this little girl, and that is why you have posted. You also probably think someone should do something about it (just not you).

If that is true PLEASE do convey your concerns to someone who can help.

She is little and vulnerable and lonely, at the very least.

Wonderful advice here, but I have a horrible feeling that Jessie is so anxious that she is more likely to hide the thread because she doesn't like the advice than actually do anything. I hope I'm wrong of course.

Lunar1 asks a relevant question. She's a 5 year old child yet you can't imagine talking to her? That's unusual to be honest and suggests that you are experiencing a high level of social anxiety if you find a 5 year old intimidating.

Also agree with poster who said the 'bad vibes' is her misery.

It would be lovely if all children were generally nice, well brought up, happy kids. But some will be unkind, odd, erratic, aggressive, rude, unsettling, disturbing etc. there are many reasons for this and none of them are nice. A bit of kindness shown to a distressed little girl is not too much to expect. It makes me very sad that people run away from children like this due to fear of encountering something unpleasant that they don't want to deal with. That unpleasant thing is that child's life.

Sounds to me that she has been told that she can play in the little park next to her flat and is sticking to the rules. Was probably told she can only go to the big park if she is with someone. Is prob bored as the older ones go to the big park and she is not allowed-hence 5 year old attempts at making friends with 2 year old. Marching off was not nice. She is probably a nice child.

' I'm also very familiar with 'Poor Baby P/Daniel Pelka, I'd hug them/adopt them/wish I could take them home' but when faced with abused children in the flesh, suddenly the kids are 'badly behaved, 'trainwrecks', don't want my children near them''

Exactly what Lilka said. The truly in need are often unappealing IRL and on a long-term basis. Yet there are thousands of professionals dealing with the reality every day.

Jessie.

I wondered if it was sometimething like that. Skippersocks write what inwas thinking (only better). Perversly, the more vulnerable the child, sometimes the more repelled we can feel by them. You are picking upmonnsome "vibe" about her, or rather, her situation, that you would rather not?

But you've got a chance here to help.

I agree with earlier post, that safeguarding children is everyone's responsibility. Professionals can't be everywhere all the time so we need to have the courage to speak out when we suspect something is wrong.

Loopla

I am so sorry. It is the most trible, albeit, unconscious victim-blaming to not help a child because we adults don't want to believe what we fear is happening to aaaaall those abused children.

Terrible, not trible

Bloody hell OP, you get worse and worse. You are sure she comes from a troubled background and yet this makes you want to run for the hills? Where is your compassion? She's 5, just a few short years older than your DS. Just a baby really. And Loopla, I'm so sorry for what you and your siblings went through

OP, honestly you sound awful. The poor little girl. Anyway ones life can go wrong, lets hope your still in a fit state to look after your child properly when he's 5, as if everyone in your area is like you he'll have no chance.

Good grief this thread is horrible. Jessie she is a little girl, she may not even be 5, she may be 4 or even 3 FFS.

We live in a square with a park in the middle, the park has 2 gates. Yesterday 2 little boys, about 5&6 were crying and calling "Mummy, Daddy" really loudly in the street by my house. DS1 went out in his pyjamas like Ussain Bolt, I went out, my neighbour went out, as did the person who lives opposite. The boys were really distressed, they have just moved in and forgotten where they lived. We managed to calm them down and worked out what car they had so the person who lives opposite walked them home.

You don't leave vulnerable young children alone, and if they are hurt you don't bugger off and leave them. Child protection is everyone's responsibility, the authorities can not act in cases where they need to if they don't know in the first place.

op if you're happy to leave a hurt vulnerable child in a park crying rather than help her then shame on you.

to then come on a social networking site and blatantly describe a vulnerable child to people actually care about other human beings and still refuse to even anonymously report the situation to anyone is just beyond belief.

you have dragged hundreds of people into this now all of us upset by what we have read and desperately trying to help by urging you to report her to anyone who can help her. she is a vulnerable little girl and You op are the only who can help her but you won't because you feel a bit timid.

sorry to be so blunt but Ffs grow a pair and do the right thing!

the 5 yr olds where we are (naice area) swear like troupers, can be very very in your face and can physically block your path not to mention think its fun to 'hit' you giggle and run away. If you are not use to children like this it can be very intimidating ... 5 yr olds are not all daisy chains and skipping games. Its not there fault, but if you haven't come across children like this before it can be pretty concerning, sadly you cant ' take them all under you wing'

When we moved here I was shocked, now I have to routinely deal with these kids (and they are still so young but sadly a product of 'optional parenting') without having a detrimental effect on my own children

give the op a break, I am sure she will found a suitable boundary for her and her child to interact with this little girl, that she is comfortable with

Are you for real OP?

Ffs how could you walk away from a young child who had hurt herself?

I don't have children and can hand on heart say if I'd seen that I wouldn't be able to walk off.

The way you talk about her is very odd. She's so young, why are you so unkind about her?

When your DS is 5 you will look back on doing that and realise how badly you are behaving here.