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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to have bad vibes and avoid unsupervised, 5 year old neighbour

443 replies

jessieagain · 03/08/2013 08:56

I am wondering if I'm being unreasonable about this and what you would do. We have recently moved into a new flat. Next to our flat is a playground.

I take my 2 year old there a couple of times a week.

I doesnt get used much as there is a big and much better playground in a park close by. Occasionally there are 1-2 children there with their parents, sometimes a couple of 4-10 years olds together or an older child 9+ by themself. My son is quite interested in playing with other people and usually runs up to them so we end up having a chat.

Twice however there has been a young girl about 5 who has been by herself, she has a bike with her that makes my son pretty excited about so he runs over to her.

The first time she was quite bossy to him about not touching her bike and was shouting no at him, so I distracted him and got him away to play on the swings. She followed us over and kept trying to talk to him and me, I tried to discourage her hanging around us by not really answering her questions andby talking to ds but she kept in trying to talk to us. I decided to leave the playground and take ds to the park so we could get away from her and she suddenly started whining and begging to come too. I said she couldn't as she needed her own parent to take her and she started shouting an crying saying that she wanted to come and it wasn't fair etc. I said goodbye, picked up ds and walked away quickly.

Yesterday we met her again at the playground and it started similarly with her saying ds couldn't touch her bike so I told ds we needed to go back to our flat (fortunately he had had enough of a play so didnt mind). I picked him up and started walking away. She started running towards us with her bike, shouting for us to not go and then she fell over on top of her bike and started crying as well. I was about 6 metres away from her by then, so called out that she was ok and should go home to her parents and kept walking away.

I was very uncomfortable about this whole situation, I think she is far too young to be by herself and her behaviour is too erratic and hysterical so I don't want her near me or ds. I get a really bad vibe around her and don't want to be around her again, but I feel bad about this as she is only a little girl. Aibu about this?

OP posts:
StinkyElfCheese · 03/08/2013 14:03

'It is too easy to fall into the trap of taking responsibility for other people's children'

^^ this

We recently moved into a block with a large communal area - children are out as young as 2 1/2 up to 14 ,mums/dads in flats with front door closed so no supervision - when me or dh go down to play with our children we get mobbed by youngsters all wanting our attention, we do try and often have games of football cricket tag etc... usually whilst the other parents are hanging over balconies laughing at me and DH.

This has resulted in children 'knocking' as early as 8 am and then every 5/10 minutes after that until 9 - 10pm at night asking for the kids but really wanting me and DH to come and play with them / can they come in.

While I am quite open to having a housefull of kids - and often have 10+ if its raining. I have really struggled to set any boundarys with them as they are not used to being told off or any rules. They also knock if they have disputes with other children as they think I will sort it out with them as their parents don't ....

We have even had a 'dad' ? come round at 930am on a Saturday and have a go at us for not letting his kid in our house, as he needed a rest... MY children we still asleep still in pj's...

We have had to really scale back and I have started taking my kids to the park just to break the cycle of ... don't worry stinky is keeping an eye on the kids outside .... the kids are mostley ok and I have gradually taught them what is acceptable and not but it is just soooo draining when all I want to do is have a little kick about with my boys

Gruntfuttock · 03/08/2013 14:07

Stinky "We have even had a 'dad' ? come round at 930am on a Saturday and have a go at us for not letting his kid in our house, as he needed a rest... MY children we still asleep still in pj's..."

Good grief! What a bloody cheek! what did you say to him?

cjel · 03/08/2013 14:09

tat does sound tiring stinky. we also have loads of people in so aren't antisocial but We had a swing/seesaw frame in our garden when dcs were small and neighbours kids kept knocking to go on it and as dh worked with their dad we kept saying yes. One day we came home and they were in garden playing, we told them they shouldn't come when we were out and they said its ok mummy said we could.!! We bought six foot panel fence and lockable gate!!

Original poster
jessieagain · 03/08/2013 14:10

Yes lilka she had trainwreck written all over her. That was what I meant by bad vibes I guess. :( You have written that very well.

I felt bad for her but didnt want her around me or ds. Her behaviour was very familiar to me and similar to friends i had in my childhood who came from troubled backgrounds. This is what I want to avoid.

OP posts:
Lilka · 03/08/2013 14:11

I'm struggling to see how taking responsibility for the immediate safety of ONE vulnerable child is the same as taking responsibility for the entertainment of 10+ children at once

cjel · 03/08/2013 14:12

I understand that and the need to protect your ds from that sort of life, can you see other ways to help her now you are a grown up?

StinkyElfCheese · 03/08/2013 14:16

We get the 'mummy said I could ' EVERY time we are going out - we have to go down communal stairs so we get 20 questions where are you going can I come when are you coming back mummy said I can go with you ... I will just go and ask , if were not quick enough we get parents having a go that we disappointed their children by not taking them.... Its all very very hard work

I said to the dad that my kids wernt up yet and as we are not a daycare facility we don't HAVE to have the children in our house - he just wandered back to his flat shouting/ swearing at the poor kid to stay the fuck outside ..... I feel sad for all the kids but I don't have time/energy/inclination to be a mum to them all

Its so sad that a few kind words to a little child means they latch onto you, and while SOMETIMES I don't mind chatting/playing/having them over I just want to parent my own children by themselves

StinkyElfCheese · 03/08/2013 14:19

while I proberbly wouldn't ignore 1 child on there own especially if they had had a fall or looked upset, from experience I don't want that child 'locking on' to me and looking out for me everytime I leave my home/ am at the park Its a very fine line between being friendly and being firm.

Montybojangles · 03/08/2013 14:20

she had train wreck written all over her

She's a little girl FFS.

cjel · 03/08/2013 14:20

It is sad for the kids but like you say you have to put your own first. those kids will remember what you did for them not what you didn't so don't drain yourself being mum to them all!!

musicposy · 03/08/2013 14:21

Poor little girl Sad
One day your DS will be 5, even 10, and you will realise how young that is and what a tiny child you are being so cold to. They are so vulnerable at that age. Even my 13yo got on the wrong bus one day and I was so grateful for the kind people who helped her, miles from home and lost. Thank goodness people like that and not all like you are around. To suggest your 2 year old might have taken the blame in any way is ridiculous. So what if she did blame him? No one is going to take any repercussions on a toddler!

I'm not suggesting that you take on the world's problems but to ignore this child completely is callous. I've been in situations like this and done the complete opposite - gone to the park as often as possible to be an extra adult keeping an eye out. Some children have nothing at home and the watchfulness and kindness of others can make all the difference, sometimes between survival and not. Of course she is telling your DS not to touch her stuff, of course she is whinging at you. She's still not much out of babyhood. Try to see that and have some compassion or 3 years down the line when your still vulnerable DS is 5 you will be very ashamed.

Lilka · 03/08/2013 14:22

And I'm not saying that you needed to take her home and look after her, or invite her on playmates. You did not call anyone about this and you walked away from a child who had just hurt themselves and was crying!

As the mother of 3 kids who all have experienced neglect and abuse, and therefore have varying degrees of emotional issues and vulnerability and would really NEED someone to take responsibility for them if they were alone, it makes me very sad and angry that people can think it acceptable e to refuse to take responsibility for an innocent child's immediate basic safety. It also makes me sad and ragey when parents refuse to let their precious darlings play with my wonderful children but that's for a different thread.

Nothing bad was going to happen to your son. If you see this girl again just make a call at least. She's vulnerable and very at risk from predators, cars etc. Your DS can only learn a valuable life lesson about empathy and goodness from you doing that

Original poster
jessieagain · 03/08/2013 14:25

cjel gosh I am finding this very hard. I really don't see myself being able to speak to her like some people have suggested. I don't think I could do that. I am quite a cautious person and not very good with small talk.

Her behaviour was erratic, more so than the average child and I didn't want to be around her as it was unpredictable and I didn't want my ds around that. She was also waving a plastic baseball around him too, which made me uneasy as well. I think my mother instinct was to stay away.

Not sure what I will do but I will ask my neighbour about her. I think she is the sort of child who is ''known'" to others iykwim.

OP posts:
musicposy · 03/08/2013 14:28

Oh and it's perfectly possible to be kind to other children without compromising your own in any way. I've been kindly to plenty of children like this in the past, taken them under my wing a bit, passed the time of day, even had them round for the odd meal. It hasn't stopped me loving and adoring my own two above all else. My girls, now teens, are not drug dealers or crack addicts because of it. Rather, they are lovely, responsible girls who understand that not everyone has grown up in the loving home they have and so have compassion for those around them. That's a much better lesson for your children than "let's avoid these unsuitable people".

BrianTheMole · 03/08/2013 14:31

'It is too easy to fall into the trap of taking responsibility for other people's children'

This is so sad. Where did people get so selfish that they just look out for their own and ignore a child who is alone and in obvious distress. Sickening.

HamletsSister · 03/08/2013 14:33

You might need to learn how to communicate with 5 year olds eventually - you will have one soon. Try to imagine you do nothing and she is harmed and how THAT will make you feel. Imagine how the neighbours / friends / teachers / social workers of that poor boy, murdered by his mother recently feel? Phone someone and only then does it become someone else's problem.

musicposy · 03/08/2013 14:35

For goodness sake, if she was waving a baseball why didn't you just say "you can come and chat but you must put the bat down". I'll bet you any money she would have done. The child is 5!!! Your view on this is distorted, I'm afraid.

Tumford · 03/08/2013 14:36

Good lord OP...you are an adult FFS. if you feel yourself too lazy or apathetic or "incapable" (what does that mean exactly?) to do anything yourself then inform your local police and let them pass the info on to the proper person. At least the parents will be contacted and cautioned. no one will know it was you if that is the worry.

A 5 year old has no business being out unsupervised.

I dont often enjoy other peoples children either but I find your responses odd TBF.

BinarySolo · 03/08/2013 14:41

Try to imagine you do nothing and she is harmed and how THAT will make you feel

That's the problem. I don't think the op cares. The way she's describe the little girl (erratic, train wreck, etc) show no compassion whatsoever. Really, really sad as after continually being told that yes she is unreasonable and this girl is vulnerable each of her posts is an attempt to justify her callous behaviour.

As for not being capable of talking to a 5 year old, ffs man up! Pathetic excuse to do nothing whilst a vulnerable child is at risk.

cjel · 03/08/2013 14:43

I understand you fear and it is real, I think talking to your neighbour will really help you, she may even be able to go to the playground with you and you can learn from her how to talk to other children but still be safe.
Its easy fro me to say don't be sill shes a child she won't hurt you but if you have a fear you have a fear no matter what I say. I don't find it hard talking to drunk teenagers when I do street outreach work but I know other people freak out at that.!!Smile

It would be good if you could learn from what people have said on here and try and make it a challenge to yourself to become more at ease and less threatened by other people.As your ds grows up he may well get friendly with children like this and it will be hard if you pass on your fear to him. Your neighbour sounds like a great start, I would still urge you to just make one phone call as someone said up thread you would feel so much worse if you didn't and something happened. It can be anonymous and you can make it clear you don't know if you are making a fuss about nothing but wanted to pass it on.Do you think you could do that?

candycoatedwaterdrops · 03/08/2013 14:43

Jessie If you are really struggling/refusing to talk to this little girl, then there isn't much we can say to make you do otherwise. However, please contact someone professional even if it's the NSPCC helpline to get some advice. You've been given lots of suggestions on this thread. If you cannot bring yourself to speak directly to this little girl, then speak to someone please.

PeriodFeatures · 03/08/2013 14:54

jessie it sounds like a difficult situation. I think that's about all you can do if you are not willing to speak to the child.. stinky your perspective is a useful one that the well meaning on this thread might want to consider.

We know the rhetoric and the ideal response but if you live somewhere where unpredictable parents let their children in and out of peoples houses I can be very easy to lose control of your own family life.

Please give OP a break. She has not witnessed abuse and walked away. She has seen a distressed child display behaviour she doesn't want around her own DC and walked away. She has then come on this forum and asked advice which shows she is concerned.

insancerre · 03/08/2013 15:00

I absolutely could not ignore a child who had fallen off their bike and was obviously distressed.
I would have to make sure they were alright and would have to talk to them.
I would also feel a sense of responsibility for them if i was the only adult around. I wouldn't thnk twice about keeping an watchful eye on her.I figured most adults would feel like this. I am obviously wrong, but this makes me feel so sad.
What a sad indictment of our society.
As long as you and your child are alright op?

lunar1 · 03/08/2013 15:00

OP i dont know how to say this and not make it sound bitchy, hopefully you can take it as i intend in that i want to be honest and constructive.

You say that you are shy, is it just that or do you struggle socially? your response to this little girl is really odd. it is so far away from a whole range of social norms that your reactions to thing may do your DS more harm than any 5 year old could.

Do you have anyone in real life that knows you who you can talk about things with?

where i live if sonething like this happened I could ring the police station and they would get the community support officers to come to the park. you wouldnt have to be involved in any way, if a 5 year old wad in our park alone the police would take them home without question.

I would really urge you to bring this little girl to someone's attention. at the same time i would really think about what everyone has posted and why your reactions are so different.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 03/08/2013 15:04

That "bad vibe" you felt is her misery Jessie stop being a twat and be nice. I hate people who look the other way.