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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to have bad vibes and avoid unsupervised, 5 year old neighbour

443 replies

jessieagain · 03/08/2013 08:56

I am wondering if I'm being unreasonable about this and what you would do. We have recently moved into a new flat. Next to our flat is a playground.

I take my 2 year old there a couple of times a week.

I doesnt get used much as there is a big and much better playground in a park close by. Occasionally there are 1-2 children there with their parents, sometimes a couple of 4-10 years olds together or an older child 9+ by themself. My son is quite interested in playing with other people and usually runs up to them so we end up having a chat.

Twice however there has been a young girl about 5 who has been by herself, she has a bike with her that makes my son pretty excited about so he runs over to her.

The first time she was quite bossy to him about not touching her bike and was shouting no at him, so I distracted him and got him away to play on the swings. She followed us over and kept trying to talk to him and me, I tried to discourage her hanging around us by not really answering her questions andby talking to ds but she kept in trying to talk to us. I decided to leave the playground and take ds to the park so we could get away from her and she suddenly started whining and begging to come too. I said she couldn't as she needed her own parent to take her and she started shouting an crying saying that she wanted to come and it wasn't fair etc. I said goodbye, picked up ds and walked away quickly.

Yesterday we met her again at the playground and it started similarly with her saying ds couldn't touch her bike so I told ds we needed to go back to our flat (fortunately he had had enough of a play so didnt mind). I picked him up and started walking away. She started running towards us with her bike, shouting for us to not go and then she fell over on top of her bike and started crying as well. I was about 6 metres away from her by then, so called out that she was ok and should go home to her parents and kept walking away.

I was very uncomfortable about this whole situation, I think she is far too young to be by herself and her behaviour is too erratic and hysterical so I don't want her near me or ds. I get a really bad vibe around her and don't want to be around her again, but I feel bad about this as she is only a little girl. Aibu about this?

OP posts:
marchduck · 03/08/2013 16:18

jessie, I've noticed you've said you find social conversation difficult. Are you perhaps worrying about your reading of the situation? I know that you may find it hard, but I'm wondering if you could go and speak to your neighbour, the one that you are becoming friendly with, about this today. Don't wait until you next see her, go round now, and explain what has happened and ask her to make a call about it. Or do you have a partner, friend or relative that you could tell about this,who could speak to someone about it. This little girl seems so vulnerable.

MissStrawberry · 03/08/2013 16:20

YABU. I assumed you were posting as concerned that there was a small child being sent out to play alone but it seems that you just don't like this child. Is it because she doesn't want your son to touch her bike? This child is obviously quite neglected and is desperate for some attention. While it shouldn't be your job to give her any - I feel everyone should care about everyone's children to a degree - would it really have killed you to be nice to her? She doesn't appear to be getting much love at home a bit of kindness at the park could mean more than you would ever understand.

NapaCab · 03/08/2013 16:22

Jesus, OP, where is your humanity, your maternal sense? I meet annoying older kids at the park all the time too when I take my toddler and, yes, sometimes I just want to have fun with my own son but it's a kid's playground so it would be ridiculous for me to expect to go there and have the place to ourselves.

5 year olds are tricky because a lot of parents do leave them to play without much supervision but they are still pretty daft at that age. I do find I have to intervene quite a bit with that age-group to remind them to be gentle with my son and watch out for him as he is smaller than them.

But I think it's good for my son to be exposed to interaction with older children and learn how we deal with things e.g. when a 5 year old has a meltdown because my son touched his toy dump truck ('IT"S MINE! WE BOUGHT IT WITH OUR MONEY!!!' cue mortified face on his mother Grin).

I can't believe you saw this little girl fall over her bike and just left her there. You're treating her like an adult or teenager! She's only 5, she might have been scared or wanted help. How would you feel if someone treated your son like that in 3 years' time? You could have gone over and asked her if she was OK and where her parents were. Fine, you're not her parent but no-one is asking you to parent her. She's a person, like you, using the park and that means you have to interact with her. Treat her with a bit of respect, not as some nuisance who is giving you bad vibes.

inkonapin · 03/08/2013 16:23

Are you taking ANY of this on board, op?

MissStrawberry · 03/08/2013 16:24

You don't want the responsibility to you would leave a five year old alone? Disgraceful.

NapaCab · 03/08/2013 16:25

And all 5-year olds are 'bossy' by the way, especially with younger kids. That age-group doesn't have the more developed social skills of knowing that they need to take care of a smaller child and tend to just think 'he's smaller than me, I can tell him what to do'. They just don't have much sense yet at that age.

MissStrawberry · 03/08/2013 16:38

Neglect isn't catching.

Your precious little boy will have to learn there are many different aspects to life.

Have a word with yourself and think about why you are so mean and distrusting to a child who is barely out of nappies ffs.

JerseySpud · 03/08/2013 16:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

fluffyraggies · 03/08/2013 16:57

OP - if you're still reading - you don't have to get involved with this child if you feel you cant.

If you ring 101 (the non-emergency number for the police) you will find you can chat to some one about this girl who will be interested in her, but wont need to know who you are if you don't want to tell them.

They're very easy to talk to - i've rung them myself before. They will just thank you, and then decide if something needs to be done.

You wont need to meet an officer, or make any written statement, or mention your son, or even give your name if you don't want to.

But at least you will have done something. That little something might make a big improvement for the little girl.

Be brave.

curlew · 03/08/2013 17:08

Absolutely. Perish the thought you might get....involved!

Emilythornesbff · 03/08/2013 17:15

I think I am likely to involved myself more with this child tbh. Especially when she fell. But I am a "busybody" type and we are all different.
In your case I think i would talk to someone local. A neighbour or local GP.
Maybe next time ou see her just try to smile. Not meaning o be patronising, it's just that it's a small thing that could change the tone of your interactions with her. It sounds s though you are fearful of being unable o control the situation when she starts shouting or whatever.
I do understand that your son is the most precious thing in your world. That is how it should be. But he will not be damaged by playing near her under your supervision.

fluffyraggies · 03/08/2013 17:16

curlew - i was speaking directly to the OP. Hoping to encourage her a little for this child's sake. Not airing my personal views.

I think it's more important to find a way to help the OP help the girl than verbally attack her right now. This child is vulnerable now. There's a time and a place to have a rant. IMO.

fluffyraggies · 03/08/2013 17:18

OP if you wanted to privately message me the location of this park i'll happily make that call for you :)

It would be miles better if you could do it though - as you know the details better than me.

curlew · 03/08/2013 17:20

Yes, you're right, fluffy, and i'm wrong Sad

This thread had just made me so angry and sad I didn't think.

Emilythornesbff · 03/08/2013 17:21

I agree with fluffyraggies. One call could make all the difference here.

fluffyraggies · 03/08/2013 17:23

curlew there has been so much horror reading about little Daniel Pelker in the news just lately that feelings are running high and raw right now.

It's good to care :)

Emilythornesbff · 03/08/2013 17:23

Jersey that was out of order. I don't see how being so personal and unkind can help anyone.

Fluffyemenent · 03/08/2013 17:24

This sounds quite familiar can I ask is this in Liverpool?

Fairyegg · 03/08/2013 17:35

Uummmm, my ds played alone in our local park at 5. Many kids from about 4 upwards do. It's the norm here. I would hope if anyone was concerned about my ds behaviour they would come and talk to me about it not call ss! My ds is very friendly and talks to everyone. I refuse to discourage this on the basis that everyone is evil, although when he goes on I will distract him. I hope he never bumps into the op in the park. Just chat to her, she's only being a normal friendly 5 year old.

cjel · 03/08/2013 17:44

I have just come back in and seen all the latest posts. Jessie clearly said in one of her posts that because of her early family life she was finding this very hard. You people who are being so nasty to her now are in effect being horrid to that 5 year old girl in a few years time.!!If you would help the child why not help the OP who had no 'normal' frame of reference to this situation, just because years have past doesn't mean Jessie would have learnt the skills to deal with this situation and has in fact reverted to her safe mode which was self protection, If you are brought up with no one protecting you as you should its your only choice.
I find it encouraging that she did something in the park but from somewhere is recognising it isn't right and actually came here to ask if she was right or not.
Telling her she is an adult and grow a pair really won't help her will it, It is in fact bullying to not read all the thread and make these remarks.

youarewinning · 03/08/2013 17:56

Oh I can't wait for 3 years time Jessie. When your DS is running away screaming because someones chasing him and then wanting ti talk to them in the next breath. 5 year olds see things from their point of view - they are egotistical. It is a developmental fact.

The rest - it astounds me your concerned about a 5yo well being but keeping your DS away from her is your primary concern. Sad

PaperSeagull · 03/08/2013 17:57

Oh, come on, OP. The child doesn't sound "erratic" or "hysterical" to me. She sounds like a child. A 5-year-old may appear enormous to you if your PFB is only 2, but she is just a baby. You are more than ready to excuse your own behavior due to "bad vibes," a difficulty with social situations, etc., etc. But at the same time, you aren't willing to extend the benefit of the doubt to the child, or indeed any generosity at all.

She fell off her bike and hurt herself. Don't you remember what that felt like when you were 5? To just walk off without making sure she was all right is callous and unkind. You can make all the excuses in the world, but that simple fact remains. She sounds vulnerable, perhaps not being supervised properly. But yes, surely the best response is to ignore her and avoid her and claim that you are just doing what feels right to you. Sad

Original poster
jessieagain · 03/08/2013 18:20

I felt bad about walking away when she fell over but I was worried about her twisting the story and blaming me or ds. That is the truth and I'm sorry if it is cowardly.

I did call out to her to encourage her to get up and go home, but I just wanted to get out of there. If she was hurt more I would have called for an ambulance etc and waited with her or if that wasnt necessary i would have carried her bike for her home, I am not that heartless.

I don't think I could call ss from what I observed but I will keep it in mind in the future if something else happens. I suspect she comes from a dysfunctional/unusual background as her behaviour seemed different from most children but this doesn't mean she is being neglected or abused.

You might all flame me for the following but it is how i feel. The children like her that she reminded me of from my childhood were very unpleasant and manipulative and I will do everything in my power to discourage relationships between children like this and my ds. I am sorry if that makes me a selfish, overprotective parent but those experiences have contributed to my social anxiety and paranoia in situations just like this, even now as an adult. My parents gave me a 'freerange' childhood with little input and guidance about friends and I think this was very detrimental, I will not be doing with as a parent.

OP posts:
Original poster
jessieagain · 03/08/2013 18:23

I still think I will avoid that playground more but if I do see her I will try to talk to her and see how that goes. Even though she is 5 she does make me uneasy, but I will try to be a competent adult around her.

OP posts:
EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 03/08/2013 18:26

I was worried about her twisting the story and blaming me or ds

Are you having counselling to address your anxiety? This is not a healthy or sensible fear.