Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to have bad vibes and avoid unsupervised, 5 year old neighbour

443 replies

jessieagain · 03/08/2013 08:56

I am wondering if I'm being unreasonable about this and what you would do. We have recently moved into a new flat. Next to our flat is a playground.

I take my 2 year old there a couple of times a week.

I doesnt get used much as there is a big and much better playground in a park close by. Occasionally there are 1-2 children there with their parents, sometimes a couple of 4-10 years olds together or an older child 9+ by themself. My son is quite interested in playing with other people and usually runs up to them so we end up having a chat.

Twice however there has been a young girl about 5 who has been by herself, she has a bike with her that makes my son pretty excited about so he runs over to her.

The first time she was quite bossy to him about not touching her bike and was shouting no at him, so I distracted him and got him away to play on the swings. She followed us over and kept trying to talk to him and me, I tried to discourage her hanging around us by not really answering her questions andby talking to ds but she kept in trying to talk to us. I decided to leave the playground and take ds to the park so we could get away from her and she suddenly started whining and begging to come too. I said she couldn't as she needed her own parent to take her and she started shouting an crying saying that she wanted to come and it wasn't fair etc. I said goodbye, picked up ds and walked away quickly.

Yesterday we met her again at the playground and it started similarly with her saying ds couldn't touch her bike so I told ds we needed to go back to our flat (fortunately he had had enough of a play so didnt mind). I picked him up and started walking away. She started running towards us with her bike, shouting for us to not go and then she fell over on top of her bike and started crying as well. I was about 6 metres away from her by then, so called out that she was ok and should go home to her parents and kept walking away.

I was very uncomfortable about this whole situation, I think she is far too young to be by herself and her behaviour is too erratic and hysterical so I don't want her near me or ds. I get a really bad vibe around her and don't want to be around her again, but I feel bad about this as she is only a little girl. Aibu about this?

OP posts:
PeriodFeatures · 03/08/2013 11:46

No you are not being entirely unreasonable. You have moved to a new place and getting entrenched in other peoples issues is best avoided!

She might live in one of the flats that is literally right next to the park and her mother might be in eye shot (optimistic and doubtful!)

THere used to be a culture of street play and it used to be safe for very young children to play out unaccompanied, some children still play out and some areas it is safe enough to do this. We live in a risk averse society now and hardly any children play out without supervision now and a great deal of important stuff has been lost because of this.

At the same time , this is a distressed 5 year old child who is on her own. If you have an instinct that something isn't right you are probably right.

I would suggest that if you get the opportunity you quietly and discretely find out her name and where she lives and ring your concerns through to Social Care. They will log it and if the child is know to them then it may raise a flag. It will put your mind at rest if you are worried.

PeriodFeatures · 03/08/2013 11:49

I was about 6 metres away from her by then, so called out that she was ok and should go home to her parents and kept walking away

OOf..that's a bit harsh o.p!! I missed that bit. I perhaps would've walked little girl home to mum/carer. You would have got a name and address the too. Poor kid.

Spero · 03/08/2013 12:03

O it's tricky, o it's complicated - of course it is. There are a thousand and one things that could be going on here from the completely benign to the utterly horrifying.

But if we continue to adopt this hands off o it's so complicated attitude, someone else will sort it out, more children will suffer and die.

She is a little girl on her own with no adult carer in sight. She is scared and seeking out any adult she can find. She needs help.

I don't need any more serious case reviews to tell me why abused children are left to die, they die because loads of people see something is wrong but no one does anything because they are scared they are doing the wrong thing, have got wrong end of stick, will get shouted at by angry nasty parents.

I think we just have to interevene, if we are wrong and have over reacted, what is the worst thing that can happen? Nothing so bad surely that can compare to a child suffering pain and fear through neglect, or even worse treatment.

curlew · 03/08/2013 12:08

Oh, for fuck's sake, act like a grown up!

inkonapin · 03/08/2013 12:22

I never understand why people just ignore children who've fallen over in playgrounds. Imagine if it was your son, if you weren't there for some reason and he fell off his bike wouldn't you like someone to pick him up and comfort him, rather than leave him hurt and alone?

itwillgetbettersoon · 03/08/2013 12:29

You sound very cruel Op to leave a hurt child in a playground. My kids are older so can go to the playground on their own - I just hope that if they hurt themselves there is a kind adult there who can help them.

I would go and help anyone whatever age, etc etc etc. I couldn't leave anyone to suffer. Just human nature I hope.

DevastatedD0G · 03/08/2013 12:33

Wow. You sound a real treat.

As long as you and your ds are ok though eh.

mrsruffallo · 03/08/2013 12:42

YANBU
Although your description of the child is a little quaint, I think it is too easy to fall into the trap of taking responsibility for other people's children.

Spero · 03/08/2013 12:53

'It is too easy to fall into the trap of taking responsibility for other people's children'

That is one of the saddest things I have read on this site.

No one is suggesting she adopt this child, take her into the op's own home or have her round on play dates etc.

Just asking that she display some basic humanity towards a very vulnerable child; if op doesn't feel confident acting herself there are other agencies that will step in if she makes a call.

Just what is this 'trap' into which we fall if we try to protect children?

LingDiLong · 03/08/2013 12:55

OP, the way you are currently behaving towards this child is unreasonable. You are treating her like some kind of dangerous animal, running away from her, avoiding speaking to her and not even helping her when she hurt herself.

You need to find a better way of dealing with her for her sake, and for your and your son's sake. Either prepare some sentences that were suggested on here or if you're sure that something is very amiss with this little girl contact Social Services. But please don't carry on behaving the way you are, it's just so cold.

lunar1 · 03/08/2013 13:11

OP you are going to remember this and cry when your DD approaches 5. your replies are truly disturbing.

mrsruffallo · 03/08/2013 13:11

Oh, it's not so sad. In the absence of a responsible parent a child will latch on to one that is around, therefore you become responsible should anything happen. Also, the kind of parents that are persistently absent from their children's park visits would be the first to blame others for anything that happens.

Nirvana79 · 03/08/2013 13:22

I think her falling off her bike was the ideal opportunity to walk her home. You could have just said to her mum you were making sure she got home ok as she had just had a fall. Running away from a crying child the way you did was harsh. Not even asking if she was ok.

cjel · 03/08/2013 13:27

isn't there a saying 'it takes a village to raise a child'?

Roshbegosh · 03/08/2013 13:31

Ok mrsrufallo better than OP blaming herself if the child came to serious harm. Remember the Bulger case? She would not be legally liable for trying to help a child anyway, whatever the shite parents might try to pull.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 03/08/2013 13:31

I am just sad that you left her when she'd fallen. Sad She's just trying to "get in" with you in the only way she knows how....be kind to her and she'll stop shouting at DS.

I would just tell her not to worry, I wont let DS touch her bike because he's too small...or I'd fetch DSs ride along toy or something....be kind...she may have a hard life.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 03/08/2013 13:32

Lunar I agree. I bet her DS is a PFB and to her 5 seems enormous.

maja00 · 03/08/2013 13:32

She fell over and hurt herself and you just ignored her crying and walked away? Unbelievable.

Why be so harsh to this child? If she was talking to you, why not chat back, ask where she lives and where her mum is?

I find your attitude to a vulnerable little girl quite disturbing.

Lilka · 03/08/2013 13:32

The basic safety of all children is everyone's responsibility, not just the parents

This little girls behaviour seems normal and standard behaviour for a child whose parents are not parenting them properly. Being over familiar with strangers, being bossy and getting annoyed but desperate to cling onto you anyway...I recognise all of that very well

Unfortunately those behaviours and emotional patterns make her exceedingly vulnerable. She's really unlikely to object if a stranger takes an interest, promises her something and asks her to come with them/get in their car etc. It might be rare, but predators and abusers are astonishingly good at recognising vulnerable children. They know what to look for, and personally I'm pretty good at seeing 'it' too now.

Given the risk to her safety (and that's just from other adult humans, let alone cars and trains etc) I certainly wouldn't just walk off and try and forget about her. I certainly wouldn't have carried on walking after she fell off her bike! Help her out, and make a call to report the situation. If you DON'T make a call and something happens, you are even MORE responsible for what happened than if you did call, and then something happened. Make sure to tell them she is very vulnerable because she will go off with any stranger who asks her, so anyone could probably kidnap her if they wanted to.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 03/08/2013 13:33

She is looking to you to direct her playing with your DS....you only need to be assertive. Ask her where she lives...bring DS a bike to play on and BE KIND FFS she is tiny.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 03/08/2013 13:34

Lilka amen to that.

Gruntfuttock · 03/08/2013 13:35

Excellent post Lilka, I agree 100%.

InTheRedCorner · 03/08/2013 13:40

Poor little girl Sad

ll31 · 03/08/2013 13:43

you sound afraid of a five yr old and you also sound callous and cold imo. I hope you can manage to deal normally with other children as your ds gets older.

Vivacia · 03/08/2013 13:53

"'It is too easy to fall into the trap of taking responsibility for other people's children'"

Showing concern when someone trips up is not a trap. Acknowledging rather than blanking when someone talks to you is not a trap. Telling a child that they can't come home with you is not a trap.

Swipe left for the next trending thread