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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to have bad vibes and avoid unsupervised, 5 year old neighbour

443 replies

jessieagain · 03/08/2013 08:56

I am wondering if I'm being unreasonable about this and what you would do. We have recently moved into a new flat. Next to our flat is a playground.

I take my 2 year old there a couple of times a week.

I doesnt get used much as there is a big and much better playground in a park close by. Occasionally there are 1-2 children there with their parents, sometimes a couple of 4-10 years olds together or an older child 9+ by themself. My son is quite interested in playing with other people and usually runs up to them so we end up having a chat.

Twice however there has been a young girl about 5 who has been by herself, she has a bike with her that makes my son pretty excited about so he runs over to her.

The first time she was quite bossy to him about not touching her bike and was shouting no at him, so I distracted him and got him away to play on the swings. She followed us over and kept trying to talk to him and me, I tried to discourage her hanging around us by not really answering her questions andby talking to ds but she kept in trying to talk to us. I decided to leave the playground and take ds to the park so we could get away from her and she suddenly started whining and begging to come too. I said she couldn't as she needed her own parent to take her and she started shouting an crying saying that she wanted to come and it wasn't fair etc. I said goodbye, picked up ds and walked away quickly.

Yesterday we met her again at the playground and it started similarly with her saying ds couldn't touch her bike so I told ds we needed to go back to our flat (fortunately he had had enough of a play so didnt mind). I picked him up and started walking away. She started running towards us with her bike, shouting for us to not go and then she fell over on top of her bike and started crying as well. I was about 6 metres away from her by then, so called out that she was ok and should go home to her parents and kept walking away.

I was very uncomfortable about this whole situation, I think she is far too young to be by herself and her behaviour is too erratic and hysterical so I don't want her near me or ds. I get a really bad vibe around her and don't want to be around her again, but I feel bad about this as she is only a little girl. Aibu about this?

OP posts:
PeppermintPasty · 03/08/2013 20:06

I've been lurking. Sorry for not rtft from top to bottom-has op called anyone Sad

Alisvolatpropiis · 03/08/2013 20:09

No she hasn't peppermint - not her problem is it Sad

PeppermintPasty · 03/08/2013 20:10

Oh god. It's a mighty strange and upsetting reaction to a 5 yo that's for sure.

Thanks.

Partridge · 03/08/2013 20:12

Ugh Hmm so so sad. I can't believe the op is still justifying her position on this. To do nothing is one thing, to keep justifying the fact that you find a 5 year old child so repellant is extraordinary. Get a fucking grip.

Gruntfuttock · 03/08/2013 20:13

Regarding the post from Fairyegg Sat 03-Aug-13 17:35:34 (partial quote) "Uummmm, my ds played alone in our local park at 5. Many kids from about 4 upwards do. It's the norm here."

I could never do that and judging by numerous posts on this thread, nor could other parents, and "from about 4 upwards" really surprised me. Did you have no concerns for your DS being alone in the park? Did you take him there or did he make his own way there?

pigletmania · 03/08/2013 20:13

Jessie how would you feel if your ds because lost (it does happen even to the best of parents), and your ds was distressed crying for his mummy, and people kept walking by, thinking tats not their problem! You would feel sad for your ds and probably livid at te people who walked by'

pigletmania · 03/08/2013 20:16

There was a thread on here last year this time, whereby op if that thread let her dd 5 camp in a tent at night all alone, it's Shock te things tat some parents test a very young child to do!

pigletmania · 03/08/2013 20:17

Trust sorry!

PresidentServalan · 03/08/2013 20:17

But SS were aware of Daniel Pelka as were the medical services and the school - even if the public had been more involved, the outcome wouldn't have been any better. So I think it's unfair that you are throwing these cases at her like she would be to blame

pigletmania · 03/08/2013 20:21

I know, te op doesent even know the Chid and making all sorts of unkind and cruel assumptions about her! She is a baby fgs, no a teen or adult.

PresidentServalan · 03/08/2013 20:26

Sorry should have said throwing these cases at the OP - I think she is being flamed unnecessarily

Winter123 · 03/08/2013 20:26

I don't think it's unreasonable to mention cases like Daniel Pelka, it's highlighting that this is an important issue to ignore.

She asked if she was unreasonable, the general consensus is yes, she is being very unreasonable and in my eyes a very very cold person.

pigletmania · 03/08/2013 20:29

I don't resident SW is coming across as being very cold and unkind

pigletmania · 03/08/2013 20:30

Meant I don't president

Alisvolatpropiis · 03/08/2013 20:31

I don't think she is being flamed uncessarily at all. She behaved in a very odd way and seems to think she was justified in doing so.

She wasn't and she is being told so.

Posting in AIBU does mean you run the risk of people telling you exactly what they think very bluntly. Tough tit if she doesn't like it.

TeenAndTween · 03/08/2013 20:37

I think it sounds as if the little girl was crying out for some adult attention. She just didn't know how to get it from you appropriately.

First, if she doesn't want your DS playing wth her bike, you need to be clear to him (and her) that he is to leave it alone. In any playground, whether or not parents are present, young children don't like their things being touched. So may as well learn how to deal with that one now as later.

Second, if she is waving a stick / bat / whatever near your DS, you are well within your rights to say 'please put that down / stop waving it, it's dangerous'. Again, that will happen elsewhere too and you will need to learn to speak to other children, as parents aren't always near enough / noticing enough / caring enough to stop it.

Third, try to think of a game that can involve the little girl. If you are friendly and set boundaries, she is more likely to play nicely. If she doesn't you can then say, sorry, you aren't playing nicely, we will have to leave.

I'm sorry if you feel uncomfortable, and find it difficult owing to your childhood. But you are the adult now and avoiding this child and doing nothing really should not be an option.

By avoiding the park, you are running away. Your DS loses out on the park, the little girl loses out on friendly adult interaction, and you lose out too as you feel guilty/worried about the little girl.

At best this girl seems to be lacking in adult attention. The home may also be neglectful (and neglect is a form of abuse). If you really are concerned ring the SS. Every logged concern about a child helps to paint a picture. Neglect is extremely hard to prove. If SS check and are happy, then you have lost nothing. If there are concerns you have helped a small vulnerable child.

My elder AdoptedDD could have been this child. She had years of neglect before she went into care. The list of reports from neighbours / police was long, but if neighbours hadn't reported things, there might never have been enough evidence. She still talks about the kind neighbour who gave her food sometimes ....

MissStrawberry · 03/08/2013 20:39

PresidentS - if your home life is shit, someone walking away when you need attention, kindness, care can seem just as bad as someone who has been hurting you.

This poor child could be an annoying precocious madam but just as equally she could be having a dreadful upbringing and just needs someone to help her.

Winter123 · 03/08/2013 20:40

She still talks about the kind neighbour who gave her food sometimes .... Sad

curlew · 03/08/2013 20:42

"Sorry should have said throwing these cases at the OP - I think she is being flamed unnecessarily"

Telling somebody they are wrong is not flaming. She walked away from a crying 5 year old. Hard to "flame" somebody who would do that......

Emilythornesbff · 03/08/2013 21:08

The thing is, we don't know anything about this girl.
jessie you seem to think that she seems at least needy or a bit vulnerable. Just keeping an eye out or speaking to someone else (as already suggested) is likely to be a good idea.
I think whatteen said was pertinent.

jessie It appears to me that You might be transferring the feelings of fear and mistrust that your young self experienced around those troublesome kids from your childhood. So, whereas we, as readers of your post,can see a needy little girl who we would feel maternal sympathy towards, you a unable to detach yourself from your childhood self and cannot see her in that way because you are scared of her.

That could all be bollocks of course. I don't presume to know you but it might explain why you seem "unfeeling" about this child.
I don't think you are. I just think you are feeling something different for that which ppl might expect you to because of those unresolved early experiences.

If you can talk to a sympathetic or professional post about your childhood and your feelings I think you might find that helpful.

Sorry of that's way off, or if I'm speaking it of turn.

Fairyegg · 03/08/2013 21:08

gruntfuttock ds makes his own way there, takes less than a minute. I guess I have the same concerns that anyone might have eg - kidnap, assault, hurting themselves etc but I also try hard to rationalise that and teach ds what to do / not do in certain situations eg - he knows the family who's front door literally opens onto the park (which is small and enclosed and away from roads) so he know he can go there / shout for them if needed, as he can at several other houses between here and the park / over looking the park, as we know them. He knows some people try and play 'tricks' and to never get into a car/house/ or walk off with anyone without asking me. I realise it's not the norm in most areas, but it is here. Parents who may be in the park with younger ones also keep and eye on things as do the older kids. I can think of plenty of areas, even locally, that I wouldn't' allow dc to play out in until much older due roads,traffic, crime, etc, but we're lucky to live in an area where I and most other parents feel safe to let our kids out. The case of April jones did make myself and a lot of other parents think hard, however I still feel the benefit my ds gets outweighs the very small,potential risk. Ds also wears a watch and knows what 'number' he has to come home at to 'check in'.

Regarding the bike, ds has recently had a new bike. I have told him not to let other kids ride it (he's tall for his age and I don't want his friends falling off and hurting themselves), maybe that's why the girl didn't want your ds touching it?

Emilythornesbff · 03/08/2013 21:11

Full of fucking spelling mistakes and typos. Sorry.

Balaboosta · 03/08/2013 21:11

Well done, Jessie. I think this child made you anxious and you are facing up to that. I do not subscribe to the idea that you have to refer this to the "authorities"; I think that this is response is symptomatic of our times that people are losing the ability to simply relate to each other, as people, within communities, as strangers, face to face, without invollving a third party authority figure. If anything your reaction was in some way symptomatic of this too... (sorry) We are simply forgetting to talk to each other. While understanding that you panicked, i am as astonished by your reluctance to verbally interact with the child as I am depressed by other posters' automatic kneejerk assumption in favour of involving the authorities.
While the redoutable Pictish's account of becoming involved with her local community of urchins is salutary...

Balaboosta · 03/08/2013 21:21

I mean, of course you could report this, I'm not saying don't report something if you are sure that neglect and abuse is taking place... I am just questioning this as an automatic response.

HaveIGotPoosForYou · 03/08/2013 21:26

OP just because you get involved and ask some questions and perhaps report what you have found doesn't mean she has to be friends with your DS, you do know that don't you?

You can help her out and keep your DS from having any contact with her, it makes perfect sense really.