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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to have bad vibes and avoid unsupervised, 5 year old neighbour

443 replies

jessieagain · 03/08/2013 08:56

I am wondering if I'm being unreasonable about this and what you would do. We have recently moved into a new flat. Next to our flat is a playground.

I take my 2 year old there a couple of times a week.

I doesnt get used much as there is a big and much better playground in a park close by. Occasionally there are 1-2 children there with their parents, sometimes a couple of 4-10 years olds together or an older child 9+ by themself. My son is quite interested in playing with other people and usually runs up to them so we end up having a chat.

Twice however there has been a young girl about 5 who has been by herself, she has a bike with her that makes my son pretty excited about so he runs over to her.

The first time she was quite bossy to him about not touching her bike and was shouting no at him, so I distracted him and got him away to play on the swings. She followed us over and kept trying to talk to him and me, I tried to discourage her hanging around us by not really answering her questions andby talking to ds but she kept in trying to talk to us. I decided to leave the playground and take ds to the park so we could get away from her and she suddenly started whining and begging to come too. I said she couldn't as she needed her own parent to take her and she started shouting an crying saying that she wanted to come and it wasn't fair etc. I said goodbye, picked up ds and walked away quickly.

Yesterday we met her again at the playground and it started similarly with her saying ds couldn't touch her bike so I told ds we needed to go back to our flat (fortunately he had had enough of a play so didnt mind). I picked him up and started walking away. She started running towards us with her bike, shouting for us to not go and then she fell over on top of her bike and started crying as well. I was about 6 metres away from her by then, so called out that she was ok and should go home to her parents and kept walking away.

I was very uncomfortable about this whole situation, I think she is far too young to be by herself and her behaviour is too erratic and hysterical so I don't want her near me or ds. I get a really bad vibe around her and don't want to be around her again, but I feel bad about this as she is only a little girl. Aibu about this?

OP posts:
curlew · 03/08/2013 18:29

"You might all flame me for the following but it is how i feel. The children like her that she reminded me of from my childhood were very unpleasant and manipulative and I will do everything in my power to discourage relationships between children like this and my ds"

You may feel like that. But one of the things about being an adult is that you don't have to act on unkind or irrational fears. This child is 5" FFS. 5!

Alisvolatpropiis · 03/08/2013 18:42

I feel sorry for you OP because you have obviously been left damaged by parts of your upbringing and are keen not to repeat the same mistakes. The anxiety you have is symptomatic of that as you have said yourself.

But - that little girl is five years old. Your shitty upbringing and resulting issues aren't her fault. I think, in the nicest possible way,you should perhaps have some counselling. Your pfb will come in to contact with all sorts of people, including children " like that" Hmm. You're going to struggle with that big time I think and as a result your some might suffer for it.

pigletmania · 03/08/2013 18:43

Op you sound very uncaring sorry you do. Yes it's our responsibility as a community to watch out for te vulnerable, and that includes you! That is how tradgidies (sp) can be prevented, by people looking out for each other. That girl is far too young to be out, she does no have the skills to protect herself, she has shown that in her behaviour and talking to people she does not know. Next time you see her, ask her where she lives and take her back home and tell her mum tat you found her wandering alone talking to people she does not know, than report to ss if you see it again. She is vulnerable an needs protecting

Alisvolatpropiis · 03/08/2013 18:45

*your son.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 03/08/2013 19:00

Sometimes you have to put your difficult feelings aside to do the right thing. This is one of those times.

mumat39 · 03/08/2013 19:08

This is such a depressing thread.

OP, you sound like a very good mum to your son. You would never let him play out alone. But, you walked away from a very young child in that situation. Twice. The second time when she fell over, you hurried away.

I think, and I may be wrong, but, I think there are too many of us who would rather not get involved, who care only about ourselves and our children, who show no compassion for someone in distress, who basically don't care what goes on outside their world.

To walk way fom a child who was hurt is an awful thing to do. Have ou not heard of baby P or Daniel polka, or the two young girls on soham?

You are now saying you will avoid that park. What happens when you are approached in the ne park by another child?

What do you hope to teach you son by behaving this way towards others? It would have cost you absolutely nothing to just talk to her. She could have become a good little friend for your DS.

I am so shocked that any grown person, especially a parent would walk away from a hurt child. She fell over running after you. You left her becausee she told your on not to touch her bike.

mumat39 · 03/08/2013 19:09

Your son,

mumat39 · 03/08/2013 19:11

Daniel Pelka. Sorry.

Dozer · 03/08/2013 19:11

Poor little girl, and shame on you.

chubbychipmonk · 03/08/2013 19:15

So a 5 year old child tries to talk to you & your DS, presumably just bring friendly/ inquisitive at first. . And you ignore her?

Then she falls offer bike & cries.. And you walk away??

What is wrong with you?

My DS is 3, have taken him to the park in our estate since he was little. I know most of the older kids by name as like you, they wanted to come over & speak to me & my DS. I took that opportunity to find out their names, where they stayed etc. I certainly wouldn't be ignoring a small child for trying to talk to me!

It's all our responsibilities to look out for young children, recent news events surely to God have taught us that. If you think their is something wrong with her then forGods sake ask her! Is she ok? Does she stay near by? Does she have brothers or sisters? Is mummy at home ? Etc etc. Then you will be in a better position to judge if she needs help or if she is just being friendly.

WellIShouldNever · 03/08/2013 19:19

She fell over her bike & cried, & U WALKED AWAY! That is awful. Did u know that she was ok, not hurt at all? So if she is in need of the social services cos the adults in her life dont care, what lesson did u teach her by walking away? That no adults care? What a lovely lady u r. NOT.

inkonapin · 03/08/2013 19:20

What exactly about her behaviour worried you, though? Perhaps your son hasn't started being possessive over things but he will at some point, everything will be "MINE" and if another child (yes, even a "nice" child, with a respectable parent in tow) tries to touch something he's playing with (especially a treasured possession such as a bike) he will freak out. That's because he's a child and that's a developmentally normal way to behave.

The rest, the talking to strangers and being alone, is worrying, yes, from the POV of her safety, but I don't see how it could be described as manipulative. She's probably incredibly lonely.

Does your son have any other children he plays with, maybe at toddler group? Even if he doesn't now, presumably he will at some point and you will have to learn how to talk to them and learn that children behave childishly, but that's ok. I do hope you're receiving some help for your anxiety and social problems, for both of you.

WilsonFrickett · 03/08/2013 19:20

Leaving aside the issue of the little girl - plenty others have spoken and given you very good advice - you need some help to address your anxieties. Your son will presumably be at nursery next year, school soon after that - do you really think he won't brush up against all sorts of children, with all sorts of issues? If you try to control his friendships to the extent your later post suggests then you will have a detrimental effect on his socialisation - the very thing you are hoping to avoid.

Running away from children who are in some way 'different' is not possible in the school environment. Or, actually, in any other environment. How are you going to handle the dirty, unkempt kid in the playground? The one with social communication problems? The child in the wheelchair? The child whose parents head to Boots to pick up their methadone prescription straight after drop-off? More importantly, how are you going to teach your child to handle anyone who is different from him - for which, read the rest of the world?

I have empathy for your situation but you need to work out a positive way forward - metaphorically picking up your skirts and running for the hills is not a good strategy for your child's next 15 years...

Tiredandhot · 03/08/2013 19:26

OP, I think you should try to be more of a grown up and leave the childhood, which you can clearly rationalise, behind. You should offer a little compassion to a poor little girl in the moment and if you think there is a wider problem that you don't want to get involved in, call the authorities and let them decide. But really, who are you if you walk away from a needy, alone little girl barely out of toddlerhood herself?

Winter123 · 03/08/2013 19:27

Completely agree with mumat39

OP, think of how horrifying it has been to read the case of Daniel Pelka. You are a mother if she turns out to be the Daniel Pelka or Baby P of the future and you have done nothing to help, how would you feel?! Maybe you would still feel like it wasn't your responsibility, if it were me I would be kept awake with that guilt for the rest of my life.

Think about what you could be potentially ignoring. Put your social awkwardness aside and do something

WafflyVersatile · 03/08/2013 19:34

Talk to her. Be friendly. Find out where her parents are. You are a grown up and she is a 5 year old child, not chucky.

And if she is unhappy or mistreated she doesn't need more people running away from her but someone to be nice to her and report to SS if needed.

PresidentServalan · 03/08/2013 19:42

She isn't really your problem though - I see where you are coming from tbh. Some people of all ages do give off weird vibes, just because this one is a child doesn't mean that you should feel you have to be stuck with her.

curlew · 03/08/2013 19:47

"She isn't really your problem though - I see where you are coming from tbh. Some people of all ages do give off weird vibes, just because this one is a child doesn't mean that you should feel you have to be stuck with her."

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse- there's more than one of them........Sad

Winter123 · 03/08/2013 19:48

PresidentServalan so Baby P and Daniel Pelka were no ones problems either?! I sincerely hope none of your children ever need help.

What kind of world do we live in FFS.

TheDoctrineOfAllan · 03/08/2013 19:48

OP, you seem to think that the options are doing nothing or doing everything eg spending time with her in the playground.

The Inbetween step is to call SS or the non emergency police and say that you have seen a five year old girl unsupervised for long periods of time and seemingly happy to go off with a stranger. That is all true, after all. They may send a CSO to watch the playground for a bit - wouldn't that be a good outcome?

Alisvolatpropiis · 03/08/2013 19:54

Nice President Hmm

PresidentServalan · 03/08/2013 19:59

The OP wasn't actively unpleasant to her though - she didn't swear at her or anything. She was uncomfortable so she walked away - it may seem heartless to those of you who would have continued to interact but OP felt unable to deal with the situation.

madamginger · 03/08/2013 20:01

Op, shame on you, you sound awful. You left a poor crying hurt little child alone because she she gave off 'a weird vibe' good grief where is your compassion?
You should be ashamed of yourself

curlew · 03/08/2013 20:02

It didn't seem heartless- it was heartless. This is a 5 year old we're talking about, and the OP seems to have felt she needed to protect her child from her. Horrible.

Alisvolatpropiis · 03/08/2013 20:04

I think acts by omission can be just as unpleasant as deliberate action.

Just doing nothing has never ended tragically has it? Oh wait...

Being a bystander doesn't negate all moral responsibility nor should it.