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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He hasn't text :'(

364 replies

OctopusPete8 · 01/08/2013 22:01

So...the OH is away on his Stag do, over the weekend. Just to give some quick background, I planned my Hen do first, I deiced due to cost, having children ..etc a weekend is an awfully long time so I'll just have a night ..alrighty then, all planned.
Few weeks ago, Oh I'm off to *** for a weekend, I was a bit miffed and I admitted I was jealous that he got to go away and I felt like I had to decline a weekend, its being paid for in his defence.

And then.....'Oh were going ***' Thats MY HEN DO! wasn't deliberate, but its for the convenience of a friend/personal circumstances.
He's gone today etc, etc on good terms was not deliberate if a bit thoughtless, till monday.
So yes, I am having 2 kids all weekend by myself and have to get to my childcare myself, with no car going down 3 flights of stairs.

And......its nearly 10pm no text, no "how are the kids" "how are you?"

Has updated fb twice though....Sad
I felt quite hurt and humilated ,
AIBU.

OP posts:
mindyourownbusiness · 02/08/2013 12:24

So he's having two and spoiling your one Hmm

livinginwonderland · 02/08/2013 12:27

This thread doesn't paint him in a very good light at all.

Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 02/08/2013 12:28

which i feel bad about, i don't wanna blacken his name.

OP posts:
peeblesmum · 02/08/2013 12:37

Haven't read all thread, but I would be bloody furious particularly as FB is obviously working for him... not difficult to chat or message, is it?
I take it the FB posts were about what fun he was having. Hmm

You really aren't being U on so many levels. And fancy not texting goodnight to the kids!

I take it his mates are unmarried/unattached??

Hope your hen night isn't spoiled.

Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 02/08/2013 12:45

a lot of them are attached,

I feel guilty for this thread even, my head is a mess.

I hope so too peeble,

Yep, although he may be following the 'no contact' rule, however if I find he isn't I'll be devastated so I don't wanna pin my hopes on that.

OP posts:
nkf · 02/08/2013 12:51

What do you mean - he's updated FB? On his weekend away, he puts pics of himself on FB and you see them. Weird how people communicate.

LouiseAderyn · 02/08/2013 12:53

I would have said no to the weekend away - I don't care how this would make me look. Your hen was arranged first and therefore had priority. As for the new night out - I wouldn't even entertain the idea. I am fed up with men who behave as if they are single and child free and make assumptions that the mother of their dc is available to just do their share of the work, without even bothering to ask her first!

I would also expect texts from dh. I would never go away for an entire weekend and not speak to my children/see if my partner was okay.

Your fiance comes across as a selfish prick on this thread and in your shoes, I'd be making a huge mental list of things I was not prepared to tolerate in future and if he didn't change, there would be no wedding!

GoshAnneGorilla · 02/08/2013 13:00

Something else is going in here. I am not buying all this upset is over a disparity in stag/hen weekends.

If he doesn't text you will be "devastated", annoyed, upset, angry - that I would understand, but devastated seems rather extreme if everything else is otherwise well in your relationship.

Likewise you describe him getting a stag weekend instead of you as "being shat upon from a great height", as if he's purposely set out to upset/cheat you in a calculated manner.

It doesn't make sense to me.

Toohottohandle · 02/08/2013 13:04

U obviously have lots of unresolved issues

Ok i understand that he arranged his stag do for when ur hen do was meant to be Hmm
That he found the money to do it
You were left with the kids who are going through hard times at the moment
He updated on fb but didnt text you

Dont feel it was fair for him to arrange the stag for the same day
My understanding is that stag dos are -
Usually exspensive
A big thing for a man
Wouldnt text
Get up to naughty thing e.g the weed
They go overboard

Sounds like u r working uourself up into a real state

TobyLerone · 02/08/2013 13:05

I agree, Gosh. It's weird and disproportionate.

Tbh, if I were away for a weekend, I wouldn't call/text to 'say goodnight to the children'. They don't really care at that young. This is about the OP, not the children.

And I would assume that everything was ok unless I heard otherwise. If something went wrong, you'd text/call him immediately, OP. Other than that, he'll know that everything is physically ok with everyone. So he doesn't really need to text to see if the children are ok.

The texts thing is a total red herring. You are upset because you feel like your completely pointless hen party is ruined because of his thoughtlessness over his completely pointless stag party. And you're probably right. It was a thoughtless thing to do. But you have childcare in place for your night out, so he probably didn't think it was a problem to have his at the same time.

SirRaymondClench · 02/08/2013 13:10

YANBU Op

BeQuicksieorBeDead · 02/08/2013 13:20

This is why I hate all the stag do macho bullshy and an glad to have a slightly camp dp would rather be with me and the dog up a mountain than anywhere near a stag do.

Rules about not contacting your children for three days? What sort of bloke sticks to that? I can't imagine anyone over the age of 25 putting up with such shite from their ' friends' - I certainly wouldn't accept any such rules from my mates! He is a father for goodness sakes, not a teenager.

There is so much pressure to have elaborate hen and stag dos now, it is financially crippling for all concerned. if he is aware of this extra night out that had been arranged, chances are he feels pressured in to going along with it... He needs to stand up to his friends. Or he is a selfish git and you need to stand up to him.

diddl · 02/08/2013 13:28

"There is so much pressure to have elaborate hen and stag dos now"

Who from, though?

Anthracite · 02/08/2013 13:31

Isn't the whole point of a stag do to celebrate the last days of freedom? Texting the fiancée is a bit contrary to this notion.

ballinacup · 02/08/2013 13:34

Actually Anthracite if you've got to the stage of marrying someone, you've already given up the right to behave like a young single person.

ballinacup · 02/08/2013 13:35

Also, how disrespectful is that notion 'I'm celebrating not being around the person I intend to marry"? Classy.

SelectAUserName · 02/08/2013 13:40

Traditionally a stag do was to celebrate the last night of "freedom". But traditionally the stag do would have been one night down the pub with a group of mates. Traditionally, the couple wouldn't already have children.

There's not much "tradition" about a three-day weed-fuelled piss-up to Amsterdam leaving behind two small children, so I don't see why the old-fashioned rules about not contacting the fiancee should be the one bit of tradition that is adhered to. Sounds like he's having his (hash) cake and eating it.

I agree that I think there are deeper issues here than lack of contact; the OP sounds thoroughly pissed off and as if she regularly comes further down her 'D'P's pecking order than you'd expect for someone who is supposed to be the beloved mother of his children who he is about to marry.

I think you're right Octopus when you say a word is in order - you need to discuss the ground rules for how your relationship is going to operate from now on and how you can both ensure you get equal and mutual respect and courtesy from each other.

Squitten · 02/08/2013 13:42

YANBU. This is about so much more than whether or not he texts you!

I would have been absolutely furious if my DP had knowingly planned to have a weekend away at the same time that I was having an important event. It's utterly disrespectiful to just take himself off and dump the kids on you to sort out when you are supposed to be enjoying yourself. Very, very selfish thing to do. And the fact that he is already planning ANOTHER night out without even asking you is just the icing on the cake.

Is your DP generally this selfish and thoughtless towards you and the kids in the rest of your life?

Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 02/08/2013 13:47

Its a shock to me, if I was to see I was miffed I doubt he's see what the fuss is about.

I haven't had a reply.

or any contact.

OP posts:
Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 02/08/2013 13:49

*to say I was miffed I doubt he'd see

OP posts:
glenthebattleostrich · 02/08/2013 14:15

There are some arseholes on this thread, the STBDH leaves at 8am and has not even had the decency to give a quick call as he leaves work. When DH goes on a 'boys' weekend (they are all 40 plus) he knows he damned well better phone to say goodnight to DD. Fuck putting his mates and beer before our child. He is a parent now. The same as I am away this weekend for my friends hen do and I will be phoning to say goodnight to my DD. And if that makes me controlling in the eyes of MN so be it, I call it showing respect for the family unit.

And there is no way he would have been going away if my night out had been on the calendar first.

OP, if I was you I would be disappearing for the weekend of his next stag night and leaving him in the shit, just as he has for you. Then he might appreciate why you are pissed off. And if you can't afford it, I have a spare room and a big cupboard full of booze.

LadyMilfordHaven · 02/08/2013 14:16

does the title of this mean " he hasn't texted"?

PoppadomPreach · 02/08/2013 14:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

TobyLerone · 02/08/2013 14:26

Brilliant, glen. Your DH phones when he's away because 'he knows he damned well better'. Hardly the point, but it's great that you're so proud of it.

Secretswitch · 02/08/2013 14:36

Hi Op, you have a every right to your own feelings. It sounds to me like you might be hurt and angry that his party took precedence over your already planned party. Maybe in the future, for your own sake, it might be best to speak to your own thoughts and feelings. It is awfully difficult to live within a marriage filled with unspoken resentment and anger.
Have a think about how it will be when he arrives him. What will your conversation be about? What things are most important for him to understand?
I feel sad for you.

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