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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He hasn't text :'(

364 replies

OctopusPete8 · 01/08/2013 22:01

So...the OH is away on his Stag do, over the weekend. Just to give some quick background, I planned my Hen do first, I deiced due to cost, having children ..etc a weekend is an awfully long time so I'll just have a night ..alrighty then, all planned.
Few weeks ago, Oh I'm off to *** for a weekend, I was a bit miffed and I admitted I was jealous that he got to go away and I felt like I had to decline a weekend, its being paid for in his defence.

And then.....'Oh were going ***' Thats MY HEN DO! wasn't deliberate, but its for the convenience of a friend/personal circumstances.
He's gone today etc, etc on good terms was not deliberate if a bit thoughtless, till monday.
So yes, I am having 2 kids all weekend by myself and have to get to my childcare myself, with no car going down 3 flights of stairs.

And......its nearly 10pm no text, no "how are the kids" "how are you?"

Has updated fb twice though....Sad
I felt quite hurt and humilated ,
AIBU.

OP posts:
TheRealFellatio · 02/08/2013 09:48

I would agree Holly but it seems I am just terribly uptight and old-fashioned about these things. Confused

Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 02/08/2013 09:49

I didn't know until now until contact ban so maybe thassit,

but Its a stressful time and I feel like I'm ready to erupt.

I certainly won't be doing this again.

OP posts:
TheRealFellatio · 02/08/2013 09:49

I agree that he should make contact over the whole four days, but she's moaning that he hasn't texted by 10pm on the day he left!

EvaBeaversProtege · 02/08/2013 09:54

I hear you op, YANBU.

youarewinning · 02/08/2013 09:55

octopus I think your anger goes way beyond the lack of text. You had planned your hen do and were looking forward to a break away from being a mum. I expect you imagined a day of bath, shave your legs, moisturise, make up and dressing up followed by a chilled next day to recover!

Instead your STBDH plans or at least accepts an allweekender stag do on the same weekend. Your plans are then scuppered and you feel annoyed.

THEN, whilst your having to change and rearrange everything leaving you tired and probably less excited about your hen do the lack of text makes you feel like he doesn't appreciate the sacrifices you've made for him to have the perfect stag do.

You need a chat with him when he get's back, make sure things are on a more equal measure in future - you don't want the resentment spilling over into your marriage.

mindyourownbusiness · 02/08/2013 10:03

One thing I used to do back in the days before I was married and was in one of these 'teenage' situations as you put it OP , looking at your phone every 5 mins was to turn my phone off or even take the sim out.

It is actually very empowering because 1) you are no longer watching it and waiting for it to ring/beep. 2) If the person does phone/ text they are getting a dose of their own medicine as you obviously wont answer. 3) It stops you answering in haste or anger if they do text. Finally it does make you feel much better because you are in control and for all you know they could well have text or rang you while it's off - which is infinitely better than knowing for certain they haven't iyswim and feeling steadily worse with every passing hour.

Obviously need to make sure anyone else can get hold of you or knows your phone will be off for a while etc. I wouldnt turn it back on till about an hour or so before he is due home. I am sure it will light up like a Christmas tree Smile .

Eglute · 02/08/2013 10:04

I'd be upset too if I were you. I don't think YABU

FannyFifer · 02/08/2013 10:18

Good god some of the comments on here, it's common curtesy surely if you have a partner & kids that u touch base with them if u are out, especially if travelling somewhere.

We would usually send a wee text to say arrived safely etc.

If out for a night out, I would maybe text once during the night, then usually to say I was on way home. Same with DP.

If something god forbid were to happen to one of us, we'd have a rough idea where the other was.

hadababygirl · 02/08/2013 10:24

I was pretty shocked at the vitriol on the first few pages actually and I actually do think the OP is being a BIT unreasonable.

It was bullying, frankly, a couple of posters saw a woman who was obviously distressed and decided to enjoy themselves by goading her and I think it was fucking disgusting.

Cherriesarelovely · 02/08/2013 10:27

Hope you are ok this morning Octopus. I think I might use mindyourownbusiness's suggestion of turning off your phone. You really have no option but to get on with it now. I don't say that unkindly, I've been in similar situations myself a few times with Dp away, and posting glamorous shots of herself in posh restaurants having lovely dinners with colleagues while I am at home with poorly Dd, poorly dog, MIL with dementia have a crisis. It is bloody hard, probably impossible not to be angry and resentful. He has definitely been very inconsiderate in several ways but you know that. I would make sure that he knows exactly how pissed off you have been once he is home.

In the meantime do whatever it takes to have the most relaxed day you possibly can.

Lazyjaney · 02/08/2013 10:39

I was pretty shocked at the vitriol on the first few pages actually and I actually do think the OP is being a BIT unreasonable

That's unfair - there is a time element here - 10 pm the night the stag do starts is BU, by 10 am the next morning not so.

Deliaskis · 02/08/2013 10:47

I do get it OP as well. I think this has been confused by it being all about the text when it isn't.

TBH if DH and I had had a discussion about not being able to afford stag/hen dos, and then he got offered a free one, I know, hand on heart that his response would be 'thanks guys but we can't afford for D to go away so it wouldn't be fair', and if we discussed it and I persuaded him to go, he would have spoken to my friends and arranged a day of being pampered, night out plus sleepover/lie-in at friend's house for me, so I was also getting time away, and no way would he have done it the same weekend.

If he knew I would be having a tough time with DC, he would also probably have helped me to plan some stuff that would make the time easier when he was away (as he has done recently whilst he's been working weekends, 'hey D, my sis and her DS are going to the zoo tomorrow, why don't you go with DD?', etc.).

It's not about being posessive or being unable to cope, it's not about needing someone else to do stuff for you, and it's not about a text message.

It's called being considerate, it's called thinking about each other and looking out for each other's interest, it's called being nice, in the general course of...you know...loving and caring for each other. Is this not how other relationships work?

D

MalcolmTuckersMum · 02/08/2013 10:52

Exactly what Lazyjaney says. Completely different scenario now to five minutes after he left.

Also Holly is right. That whole weed thing in alleged adulthood with a family and responsibility? Never ends well really does it. I'd think twice about marrying this guy tbh.

AnyFucker · 02/08/2013 10:55

Op, read Delia's description of how her partnership works

Yours is a very long way from that, isn't it ?

You need some very strong and clear ground rules setting for your marriage, love, or this upset and resentment you are feeling right now is going to be it's defining feature Sad

HolidayArmadillo · 02/08/2013 10:55

Have you tried texting him OP? Because I assure you the lack of communication overnight assuming he was going Newcastle to Amsterdam on the ferry is because there is no mobile signal in the North Sea!

Fallout1977 · 02/08/2013 10:59

Aww OP sod him and have a good time this weekend. Men can be pretty thoughtless so don't worry about it, don't let it spoil your night.
You are lucky to get a hen night as I didn't get one and my hubby never had a stag do either due to the fact we eloped to Gretna Green ;)

ChocHobNob · 02/08/2013 11:03

Those saying expecting a text or message at 10pm on the stag night is unreasonable, did you read where the OP said her partner went straight from work so she's not heard from him since 8am?

If he can be bothered to update his FB status, is it really asking too much to hope for a quick text or FB message during the day too?

Littlegreyauditor · 02/08/2013 11:32

I am facilitating his non stop 72 + weed binge

And you are going to marry him? Weed? deal breaker.

Actually I agree with this. Is whoever is paying for his stag weekend also buying his weed? Or is that coming out of your family budget?

I hope you are ok OP, you have had a rough time on here, unfairly to my mind, but I think your DP and you need to have a wee chat when he gets back about shared responsibility...

Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 02/08/2013 12:11

hmmm, now I've heard off a wee birdy that a night out had been planned for another do' if you will for people who couldn't make the trip.

I felt like an idiot, they even said did you not know? no Hmm

I sent a text asking if this is true not funny or owt just a simple qun.

A wee' word Is needed I think.

OP posts:
mindyourownbusiness · 02/08/2013 12:15

don't understand OP Hmm do you mean your OH could have gone on a night out instead of his holiday stag do ?

Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 02/08/2013 12:17

another one planned in a few weeks or so.

OP posts:
mindyourownbusiness · 02/08/2013 12:17

or do you mean you now think he will be having a stag night as well as the trip - him being the actual stag and all .

Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 02/08/2013 12:18

yeah,

I haven't been told this, why do I feel like a mug now?

OP posts:
CorrineFoxworth · 02/08/2013 12:19

He sounds like an arse.

Grin at "have a great hen night and don't spoil it by brooding"

Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 02/08/2013 12:22

I think, hoping its genuine forgetting etc but may be clutching at straws.

Thanks x

OP posts: