Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 8 9 10

Original poster

To have told my sister not to leave her baby behind when she goes on her honeymoon?

229 replies

Callmecordelia · 31/07/2013 14:00

My nephew is nearly 3 months old, and is a delightful, thriving baby. I get on well with my sister, and she is a great Mum.

She is getting married next year when DN will be about 15 months. We are all helping out with jobs to keep wedding costs down.

Last week, dsis announced she had found dream honeymoon to Bali, and my DPs and the baby's other grandparents would share childcare for two weeks. The two sets of grandparents live about four hours apart, with sister living roughly midway. My parents reacted with fairly understated horror. I told her she was unreasonable, and should modify her expectations. Thought she would see sense, although the face she pulled at the idea of Mark Warner made me think she hadn't listened.

Spoke again this morning. Now the idea seems to be Turkey for a week, leaving baby behind still. This time I was not so polite. I told her that she was being completely unreasonable, the separation anxiety would be awful and she could not leave her child behind. That our parents are exhausted by 2 days with my toddler, who they know very well, and had she considered she would miss her baby?

She was crying when we rang off. I feel bad for raining on her parade.

WIBU?

OP posts:

Mouthfulofquiz · 31/07/2013 19:29

Personally I wouldn't b able to do it - a week is too long for me and a fortnight - well I can imagine a scenario where i would want to go on a fantastic holiday without both people I love very much - husband AND 14 month old son.
Each to their own I guess but a week looking after a toddler that isn't your own is a massive ask.
I can see your point OP.....

Mouthfulofquiz · 31/07/2013 19:29

Duh! CAN'T Imagine - not CAN!

BlingBang · 31/07/2013 19:34

think you've had a hard time here op. i imagine a lot of gp's would be absolutely knacked looking after gc for more than a few hours (know mine and pils would) many don't say so as they love ther children and gc.

and what's with using honeymoon as an excuse to off load your kids. surely they had holidays together before they had kids. if a honeymoon was so important they should have had one before kids.

morethanpotatoprints · 31/07/2013 19:34

Personally, I couldn't and didn't do it. However, YABU as its none of your business and the child will be cared for by loving family members.
You have a right to your opinion, but if you want to stay friendly with your relatives, you need to learn to bite your lip, there will obviously be other times when you need to do this, so it will be good practice.

rockybalboa · 31/07/2013 19:35

YABVU. DN will be 15 months ffs, you make it sound as if she's planning to leave him now at 3 months. Mind your own bloody business!

Xales · 31/07/2013 19:42

She announced your parents would be doing it and they reacted with horror.

Nice of her to actually ask them rather than assume.

However you are being unreasonable as she is her child's mother and the child may be perfectly fine without her for a fortnight.

monkeynuts123 · 31/07/2013 19:43

Some people shouldn't bother having babies of they put a holiday ahead of their childs needs. YANBU, she is. Of course it's fashionable not to judge which I always think is a strange stance on a forum that basically says am I right or not? That baby needs you standing its ground!

AnnabelleLee · 31/07/2013 19:45

I wondered when some monkey would pipe up with that old chestnut. Why bother having children at all if you're not willing to staple them to you until they are 45? S'all I'm saying.

maja00 · 31/07/2013 19:45

How old do your children have to be before you can have a night away from them monkeynuts?

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 31/07/2013 19:51

If only people would RTFT before responding.

OP you've been gracious

Bearleigh · 31/07/2013 19:51

I think you are not being unreasonable. Your parents work full time, and don't know the child, and most importantly don't want to do this. Your parents seem incapable of saying how they feel. I think it's right that you should say what you said, although maybe you could have said it better, but only you know know how you said it/what you said.

HKat · 31/07/2013 20:00

Spot on Annabelle. OP you have been gracious but I agree that ywbu. Not so much about the childcare but I would have found your comments about separation anxiety extremely hurtful. And as others have said, there's no way to judge how a three month old will develop in a year, and if I were your sister I would already be tying myself up in knots worrying. Again though, I appreciate you've already said you will apologise. Your concerns about your dm seem justified, hope the reading recommendations help.

BlingBang · 31/07/2013 20:07

and i wouldn't leave my kids like this with gps, not so much with worry for he kids but worry that the gps would struggle especially with a full on toddler of 15months. wonder how many gps are struggling and knackered, while their kids think they are doing them a favour and a privilege leaving their kids with them for a week or so. huge ask.

monkeynuts123 · 31/07/2013 20:08

Maja, old enough to know I will come back.

AnnabelleLee · 31/07/2013 20:10

And when do you think that is?

ThePinkOcelot · 31/07/2013 20:10

So it's okay for them to be looking after your toddler then?! YABU and sticking your nose in.

monkeynuts123 · 31/07/2013 20:23

When they have object permanence.

maja00 · 31/07/2013 20:26

A 15 month old has a sense of object permanence.

namechangesforthehardstuff · 31/07/2013 20:46

I don't think YWBU. I was under the impression that a good guide was that you could leave dcs for one day for every year they are old? So your sister can have one night in heaven.

Really not sure why you got such a pasting here...

Original poster

Callmecordelia · 31/07/2013 20:51

I was going to leave this, but I just spoke to my sister.

She wasn't upset with me. Nephew had his second injections today and she was more wobbly than she'd let on. I had had to ring off suddenly due to a toddler porridge explosion, and hadn't spotted all the signs. I feel bad about that too.

She thought about it some more and is going to get nephew used to staying with the other grandparents gradually. This was her DPs idea, not mine. She and I agreed that it was up to her, and I apologised for being too harsh.

In turn, she hadn't really appreciated how generally tired and stressed our parents are (DM more than DF) because she doesn't see them once or twice a week like I do. The wedding is a form of escapism for her, and I get that. Outside of the wedding bubble for a minute, she realises she should have asked first and not assumed. We are going dress shopping in a few weeks (mad I think - she isn't back to her normal size yet, but I didn't say anything....) so her head will be back in wedding world by then.

Anyway just wanted to let you all know it ended well. From reading some of these responses I have felt a bit upset. But it serves me right for being unreasonable and not being clear in the OP. I think I thought of this as being a bit of fun - a way of checking whether I had gone too far. The reality is people don't RTFT, and I just get told what a shit sister I am, again and again, no matter how many times I try to show I have listened and am a reasonable person.

Next time I feel a bit protective of Mum I will think about what I am saying more, and recognise what the real motivation is. It did all get a bit viperish there for a bit though.

OP posts:

squoosh · 31/07/2013 20:57

Aw poor OP, don't sweat it, you know you're not a horrible person. You honestly sound very thoughtful. Well done on a good resolution.

neunundneunzigluftballons · 31/07/2013 20:58

Well done Calmmecordellia for moving on from judging her get her child minded by her mother to only judging her being too fat to go looking for her wedding dress. If I did not know better I would think this was a wind up.

PenelopeLane · 31/07/2013 21:00

You have been gracious OP. But I do wonder - if your DM is as tired as you say, have you thought about revising your arrangement so she doesn't have your DD 2 days a week as it exhausts her so? Is there a chance that if your Mum is bad at saying no, that also extends to your arrangement?

I say this as someone whose Mum sounds similar to yours in that she's exhausted and not good at saying no. As much as I like to look at my siblings and the help they get and get cross on behalf of my poor tired Mum, I realise that I need to hold that mirror up to myself as well

Original poster

Callmecordelia · 31/07/2013 21:07

Oh, for gods sake.

I don't say in the OP that we have a regular arrangement. I wish I had been clearer, but for the record, as I have said quite a few times now, they have occasionally, maybe five times, had her overnight. I am acutely aware of my parents limits.

My sister is breastfeeding neun. Don't know about you, but that changed my boobs.

OP posts:

MissBeehiving · 31/07/2013 21:08

Well done Callme - you sound very nice

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 8 9 10