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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told my sister not to leave her baby behind when she goes on her honeymoon?

229 replies

Callmecordelia · 31/07/2013 14:00

My nephew is nearly 3 months old, and is a delightful, thriving baby. I get on well with my sister, and she is a great Mum.

She is getting married next year when DN will be about 15 months. We are all helping out with jobs to keep wedding costs down.

Last week, dsis announced she had found dream honeymoon to Bali, and my DPs and the baby's other grandparents would share childcare for two weeks. The two sets of grandparents live about four hours apart, with sister living roughly midway. My parents reacted with fairly understated horror. I told her she was unreasonable, and should modify her expectations. Thought she would see sense, although the face she pulled at the idea of Mark Warner made me think she hadn't listened.

Spoke again this morning. Now the idea seems to be Turkey for a week, leaving baby behind still. This time I was not so polite. I told her that she was being completely unreasonable, the separation anxiety would be awful and she could not leave her child behind. That our parents are exhausted by 2 days with my toddler, who they know very well, and had she considered she would miss her baby?

She was crying when we rang off. I feel bad for raining on her parade.

WIBU?

OP posts:
CoolStoryBro · 31/07/2013 15:27

OP, could you have your niece or would that not be possible?

We left DS with both sets of Grandparents for our honeymoon at that age, and it worked wonderfully. Now I feel both sets are getting older and would find it too hard work. However, my siblings and I could happily ask each other in this situation.

Original poster
Callmecordelia · 31/07/2013 15:30

I am looking after DN on the day. I offered, without being asked. Maybe I am interfering there too? Confused. That and agreeing to make her cake seemed to be things she was grateful for....

OP posts:
Original poster
Callmecordelia · 31/07/2013 15:31

Cool, it would be clearer nearer the time. I am a freelancer atm.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 31/07/2013 15:36

Why don't you concentrate solely on using your parents as the childcare rather than anything else. If your parents don't want to do it then they are within their right.

Everything else isn't really anything to do with you though, nobody has any idea on what kind of toddler a baby will grow into.. your sister may well change her mind as the time gets nearer on her own.

So they want their week away compromised from 2 weeks.. they have plenty of time to organise childcare in that time and things can change in the mean time.. it's still a good chunk of time away and not really worth stressing about so early on.

Scrounger · 31/07/2013 15:36

On the other side my MIL is lovely and will do anything for her DC and GC. However she is getting older now and doing too much takes it out of her. She will say yes even when something is too much for her. She took DN for a weekend - Sat to Sun and was so tired out she was in bed by 9.30 pm on Sunday. This is very unusual behaviour for her. DH feels that his sister can sometimes ask for too much but his mother agrees with to do it as she is 'programmed' to please people. DH is quite concerned about it, however all he can do is talk to his parents and suggest that something may be too much for them (this was to do with taking one of ours and our DN away for a long weekend). He doesn't want to intervene in arrangements made between SIL and her parents, partly based on the family dynamics as it would cause massive fall out and because it isn't his business.

I see that you are concerned about your parents, talk to them but be careful not to be seen as causing trouble by a different route.

samandi · 31/07/2013 15:51

YABU for for telling her "that she was being completely unreasonable, the separation anxiety would be awful and she could not leave her child behind ... had she considered she would miss her baby?" It's none of your business and plenty of mothers leave their babies at that age.

She, however, is being VVVVVVV unreasonable in assuming the GPs would be fine at having the kid for a week each. The level of entitlement displayed in that assumption is quite staggering and YWNBU to give her a piece of your mind about that.

MrsKeithRichards · 31/07/2013 16:02

YABU

xylem8 · 31/07/2013 16:03

OP_ I am going to go against the grain here. I think your sis has behaved very selfishly by booking a holiday and just assuming your DPs will be overjoyed to step up to the plate.My DPs would never say 'no' and now in their late 70s often have 5 young children dumped on them for the weekend.They hate it it makes them exhausted and they can scarcely cope
Good for the OP for standing up for her parents!

thistlelicker · 31/07/2013 16:04

Hang on, if the child is 3moths now and the child will be 15 months when wedding is doesn't that mean the wedding is in holidays when dm won't be working?

lottiegarbanzo · 31/07/2013 16:05

Well I think I'd have a chat with your parents, find out what they're really willing to do and encourage them to talk to her. You could ask if they'd like you to help explain but I suspect she'll take it less well from you.

On the separation thing, who knows but it was when dd was 3mo I was most unwilling to be apart for more than a couple of hours. If she can contemplate it at this point, I expect she'll be fine. They may have to wait and see how DN is at that point. Dd is now 16 mo and loves her rare overnights with the GPs. I think she'd be ok with longer and more so if she spent longer with them normally.

Lavidaenrosa · 31/07/2013 16:23

I just think some people are selfish. Why leave a baby for a week when there is no real need (work, etc.).

squoosh · 31/07/2013 16:26

Ummm, because they're going on their honeymoon maybe? Hmm

xylem8 · 31/07/2013 17:09

'Why can't your parents speak for themselves? '
You don't need to read far on MN to see people who have fallen out with their Parents/PILs over this sort of thing.
Some people are just not good at saying 'no' and this doesn't mean thety are fair game to be exploited! It isn't fair to put people on the spot like this, especially when they are elderly.The OP says her parents struggle with having her own toddler just 2 daytimes a week!

FeckOffCup · 31/07/2013 17:21

I think your sis has behaved very selfishly by booking a holiday and just assuming your DPs will be overjoyed to step up to the plate

I would agree with this, I think the OP has handled it a bit harshly with her sister, which OP now accepts and is going to apologise but the sister isn't blameless. She shouldn't be putting pressure on OPs parents to look after her child if they aren't fully on board with the plan, she has to accept that the child is she and her DP's responsibility not anyone else's and if she can't get willing childcare then the childfree honeymoon isn't happening.

exoticfruits · 31/07/2013 17:27

I would apologise to her- you seem to have made her very upset over something that is nothing to do with you. I thought at the start that he was only 3months but 15 months it is quite different. Leave them to sort it out.

FrussoHathor · 31/07/2013 17:32

That our parents are exhausted by 2 days with my toddler,

Are you more worried that you will be put out?

Original poster
Callmecordelia · 31/07/2013 17:33

While I am really grateful for the support xylem, I think you have misread some of my posts. She hasn't booked yet - she announced her intention to book. Also, my parents have only very occasionally had my daughter overnight. It exhausts them.

I am going to let this rest now I think. I got my answer - IWBU - and now I will just move on with sorting thingsout . Thanks all for the points of view.

OP posts:
RoxyFox211 · 31/07/2013 17:38

Yabu. None of your business. I know a few (amazing, loving, doting) parents who have honeymooned without their tots & with no damage done.

zatyaballerina · 31/07/2013 18:00

I think she's being unreasonable if she expects your parents to mind him for a week. If they're exhausted with a night of a toddler, then they won't last the week.

If she can find people who are happy and physically/mentally able to care for a toddler for the week, then fine but they're exhausting and many older people aren't able for it.

StuntGirl · 31/07/2013 18:15

Yes, keep your beak out. Nothing to do with you. Your parents need to say no if they don't want to do it.

ProphetOfDoom · 31/07/2013 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StuntGirl · 31/07/2013 18:26

I have read the whole thing. And it's still none of her business. Her parents are adults, if they don't want to do it they know how to say the word no.

maddening · 31/07/2013 18:27

My dsis went on honeymoon when dnephew was 18mths - he stayed with my dparents and had a lovely time.

Don't worry dnephew will have a lovely time.

Summerblaze · 31/07/2013 18:31

My 15 month old DS is going with his two older siblings on a short holiday with my parents in a couple of weeks. He will be fine as my other dc were at a similar age.

If your parents and her IL's are fine with it then you should keep your nose out. If they have a problem then they should raise it with her.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 31/07/2013 18:39

Gosh, there have been some harsh responses here. It may well be that it needs someone like the OP to step in on her parents' behalf as her sister appears to have taken them caring for her DC for granted.

Personally, I wouldn't have left my DD for that long at that age so I agree with you there OP. However, as you've since said, you're going to apologise to your sister as it's ultimately her choice and not yours.

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