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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told my sister not to leave her baby behind when she goes on her honeymoon?

229 replies

Callmecordelia · 31/07/2013 14:00

My nephew is nearly 3 months old, and is a delightful, thriving baby. I get on well with my sister, and she is a great Mum.

She is getting married next year when DN will be about 15 months. We are all helping out with jobs to keep wedding costs down.

Last week, dsis announced she had found dream honeymoon to Bali, and my DPs and the baby's other grandparents would share childcare for two weeks. The two sets of grandparents live about four hours apart, with sister living roughly midway. My parents reacted with fairly understated horror. I told her she was unreasonable, and should modify her expectations. Thought she would see sense, although the face she pulled at the idea of Mark Warner made me think she hadn't listened.

Spoke again this morning. Now the idea seems to be Turkey for a week, leaving baby behind still. This time I was not so polite. I told her that she was being completely unreasonable, the separation anxiety would be awful and she could not leave her child behind. That our parents are exhausted by 2 days with my toddler, who they know very well, and had she considered she would miss her baby?

She was crying when we rang off. I feel bad for raining on her parade.

WIBU?

OP posts:
ll31 · 31/07/2013 14:52

Yabvu,sounds like you're worried your sis is getting something over you tbh... I also don't see why two wks in Bali is so unreasonable.

Why don't you actually be sisterly and offer to mind your dn. though if I was ur dsis not sure I'd want anything to do with you...

MissBeehiving · 31/07/2013 14:52

Oh, Quaffle RTFT and stop being so melodramatic

pigletmania · 31/07/2013 14:52

Yabvu regarding leaving toddler for a week with grandparents, yanbu through regarding leaving them with your parents. She should have checking with then first, and should not have assumed tat they will look after her ds whilst they are on holiday. That is very selfish

CocacolaMum · 31/07/2013 14:56

YABVU butt out, its not your business.

From when he was a baby ds would have weekends with my grandparents and we went away for holiday once a year without him. He LOVED my grandparents and they loved the time together and I loved the time away, he would have HATED the heat abroad and it wouldn't have been much of a holiday for us - everyone was a winner! it certainly didn't mean I loved him any less.
Now that he is older my ds has some very fond memories of those times and it enabled them to have a strong bond which is cherished by all especially now that my Gran is no longer with us.

Original poster
Callmecordelia · 31/07/2013 14:56

Wow. I should have posted in Chat!

Not want anything to do with me? Really? I have said I will apologise. Thanked everyone for their points of view. Not made any personal attacks.

And I am a nasty piece of work?

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 31/07/2013 14:57

Call your sister back and apologise, suggest that your parents might not feel up to it but don't feel they can properly say no, that it would be better that she doesn't leave her DD with your parents because if they aren't up to it then she won't be able to enjoy her holiday if she's worried about her DD, but that doesn't mean she can't leave her DD with her PIL.

Then suggest she prepares her DD for this by doing a few one nights at PILs between now and booking hte week away, so she can see if they can cope with her DD and she can feel comfortable with them.

Just because your mum cant do it, doesn't mean PIL can't. Just because your mum and Dad haven't spent much time with her baby, doesn't mean PIL haven't nor that they won't between now and then.

BiscuitDunker · 31/07/2013 14:58

YABU-Every parent and every child is different OP.

I suffered from serious separation anxiety when I had my dd and she picked up on that and become just as distressed at being away from me as I did from her. We're both much better now (although I still can't bear to be away from her for more than a few hours and she's nearly 4).

If you or your dc had/have issues with being seperated from each other then that doesn't automatically mean your DSis and DNephew will be the same. My friends ds1 was never a clingy baby/toddler at all and could be left with anyone for any length of time but her ds2 is an incredibly clingy baby but their mum has no anxeity issues at all...

If she feels (at the moment at least) that she would be happy to leave her son with grandparents for a week then I don't see the problem if they're happy to have him,although will probably be her dps parents rather than yours going by what you've said. Its not your business to say what she should and shouldn't do with her ds,asking out of concern with "are you sure you'll be happy leaving him for that long/leaving the country without him?" Is perfectly fine and reasonable but your "you can't do that" approach was out of order.

I'm sure your dsis will appreciate your apology but I'd leave the matter well alone now and let her do as she pleases-and don't mention that your parents won't look after her son either,that's for her and them to sort out,you'll only make matters worse if you continue to interfere and try to ruin get involved with her plans.

Original poster
Callmecordelia · 31/07/2013 14:59

All good suggestions Don't, thanks.

OP posts:
MissBeehiving · 31/07/2013 14:59

Oh, just ignore the comments when people have only read the OP Smile

squoosh · 31/07/2013 15:01

No you're not a nasty piece of work, you just sound like a slightly bossy sister. Don't mind the OTT comments.

stopgap · 31/07/2013 15:04

I'm really rather envious of your sister. My parents live overseas, and would be thrilled to have my toddler DS for a week, whereas my proximate MIL gets flustered at the very thought of one night (which means my husband and I have not spent a single night away alone since our DS was born two years ago).

YABU.

Dumpylump · 31/07/2013 15:05

So originally it was a fortnight and the two sets of grandparents were to share childcare, and your parents said no?
Now she's planning a week away......are you sure then that she isn't arranging for the other set of gps to have her baby, since your parents can't help?
I would have no problem leaving a 15 month old with grandparents who were happy to have them. But if your parents aren't happy....then it's down to them to set her straight, not you. I'm struggling a little with the idea of a head teacher who has a hard time saying no, mind you! Smile

Original poster
Callmecordelia · 31/07/2013 15:06

Thanks squoosh. I probably am a bit of a bossy older sister.

I have "butted out" of most things, and just listened to any problems she has had with DN, and only offered advice when I thought she genuinely wanted it. I think the fact she involved our parents probably touched a raw nerve.

OP posts:
Original poster
Callmecordelia · 31/07/2013 15:09

Dumpylump - not a headteacher, but quite senior. Her teaching commitment has been put up this year, and dad and I are worried about her.

OP posts:
MadBannersAndCopPorn · 31/07/2013 15:09

I would LOVE to go off on holiday for a week somewhere hot with DP and leave dd (14m) with her Grandma- we would love it, she would love it! Flame me, I don't care Smile

As was said before, if the parents and grandparents are happy with the arrangements and not much changes between now and then... why not?

It's hard to look at such a tiny baby and imagine that they'll be that much different in a year's time, If you're a parent yourself then you'll know how quickly they grow up and change.

Unless you're involved in the arrangement, I think YABU. Let them go and enjoy their honeymoon, it only happens once (hopefully!)

MrsMelons · 31/07/2013 15:11

I left my DCs for a week with my parents when they were 3 YO and 18 months but I would never have assumed they would have had them. We all discussed it first and they were fine with it but of course we would not have expected it, in fact they offered as it was our honeymoon.

YWNBU to say that you don't think your parents are up to it and that she should have asked properly first but you were really unfair saying about the separation anxiety etc but obviously most people have said the same. At that age kids are usually fine if they know the person they are staying with, IME children get attached to whoever is looking after them, my 5 YO is like that now even with new people he meets.

I think some of the comments have been really harsh and nasty towards you, you have accepted the comments with grace and I am once again shocked by some of the posts on here!

Original poster
Callmecordelia · 31/07/2013 15:11

Oh, and she was still planning on my parents having DN when we spoke. I really don't think I misunderstood.

OP posts:
MadBannersAndCopPorn · 31/07/2013 15:13

I thought this thread only had 1 page Blush

Original poster
Callmecordelia · 31/07/2013 15:14

Mad - if this thread is anything to go by, you won't get flamed.... Grin

OP posts:
Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 31/07/2013 15:15

Blimey, some nasty responses here to the OP who has responded very graciously and said she will apologise to her sister. Take no notice OP.

I think your sister was BVU to assume people would take on a week of unpaid childcare without even bothering to ask them. I don't think expressing your opinion was U (aren't siblings supposed to be able to do this, in a grown-up manner?) and personally I agree that it's a but young to be leaving their son for that long, but I can see that many people feel differently on that score.

Have you tried to get your mum to read up on assertiveness or take some classes? She sounds like she could really use them. Anne Dickson and Manuel J Smith are two good authors.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 31/07/2013 15:16

Yes I was going to say what Don't said. Just because you know your parents can't do it and don't want to do it don't try to put her off asking her PIL under the reasoning of "separation anxiety" and all that other guff. She is perfectly reasonable to want a honeymoon with her new husband without the baby being there if she has willing childcare

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 31/07/2013 15:16

OP, just seen that she still thinks your parents are having DN - you must get your mum to speak up, or all this will be on your head (unfairly)

sweetiepie1979 · 31/07/2013 15:17

Oh fear your the interfering sister and sounds like you have a chip on your shoulder too! Yes your been unreasonable it's her honeymoon!

Original poster
Callmecordelia · 31/07/2013 15:21

Thanks Snazzy. This thread has got me thinking.

I will mention those authors to Mum. I think she is just worn down by it all. The teaching commitment is due to balancing the budget, and she will have to start delegating better. Thank goodness ofsted is now out of the way.

OP posts:
BettyandDon · 31/07/2013 15:25

Have they sorted childcare out for their wedding yet?

We had zero relatives willing to help with ours and paid out a fortune for a nanny. She is lucky to be able to even consider a childfree break IMO. Our kids are coming with us...

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