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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told my sister not to leave her baby behind when she goes on her honeymoon?

229 replies

Callmecordelia · 31/07/2013 14:00

My nephew is nearly 3 months old, and is a delightful, thriving baby. I get on well with my sister, and she is a great Mum.

She is getting married next year when DN will be about 15 months. We are all helping out with jobs to keep wedding costs down.

Last week, dsis announced she had found dream honeymoon to Bali, and my DPs and the baby's other grandparents would share childcare for two weeks. The two sets of grandparents live about four hours apart, with sister living roughly midway. My parents reacted with fairly understated horror. I told her she was unreasonable, and should modify her expectations. Thought she would see sense, although the face she pulled at the idea of Mark Warner made me think she hadn't listened.

Spoke again this morning. Now the idea seems to be Turkey for a week, leaving baby behind still. This time I was not so polite. I told her that she was being completely unreasonable, the separation anxiety would be awful and she could not leave her child behind. That our parents are exhausted by 2 days with my toddler, who they know very well, and had she considered she would miss her baby?

She was crying when we rang off. I feel bad for raining on her parade.

WIBU?

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 31/07/2013 14:29

At 15 months I'm sure the child will be fine. It's a week in Turkey - not a year in Tibet!

If your parents aren't happy to do it then they need to say so - not you.

How about her in- laws? Are they happy to do it?

DuelingFanjo · 31/07/2013 14:30

"I think to make amends for your terrible behaviour, you should offer to stay with your parents to help look after DN for a week"

really.
Maybe the OP has a job!

Bonsoir · 31/07/2013 14:31

I left my DD with my parents for 11 days when she was 16 months. We were going ski-ing in Verbier and I thought she would have a much better time with my parents in the countryside than in the cold mountains.

DD is now 8 and I have given up leaving her with my parents on their own. They are getting old, with occasional health emergencies, and DD needs more activities and othe DC than they can provide.

Original poster
Callmecordelia · 31/07/2013 14:32

I would love to do that Gamer, but live about three hours from my sister.

I have said I will apologise. We Skype a lot now she's on maternity leave. I will talk to her later on when she's around.

OP posts:
DialsMavis · 31/07/2013 14:32

If she is only going for a week then maybe the inlaws are happy to have the baby? I would kill for a DC free honeymoon BTW, doesn't mean we don't love them but a week in the way sunshine with DP sounds like heaven Envy Smile

thefattwins · 31/07/2013 14:33

I'm sorry but that OP made me laugh out loud. Why would the child have separation anxiety? I have no idea why it's a big deal AT ALL. This must happen all the time.

lottiegarbanzo · 31/07/2013 14:33

Why can't your parents speak for themselves?

Don't you trust your capable, professional parents to represent themselves 'correctly'? Did they ask you to speak for them? So why are you interposing yourself and trying to speak for them?

ilovecolinfirth · 31/07/2013 14:35

I personally wouldnt leave my children, but thats only because im a wuss!! :)

It's really up to your parents to say no, and if she didnt get the message, its their responsibility to be more forceful. It's not at all your position to get involved. Even if you think you're doing it for the well-being of your parents, you've ended up making judgey comments regarding separation anxiety and her child.

Think you might owe her a bottle of something nice, a nice chat and a hug/apology.

therumoursaretrue · 31/07/2013 14:35

You were totally unreasonable.

If your parents don't want to look after DN for a week that's fair enough but it's up to them to communicate that. None of your business.

You were utterly unreasonable to suggest your DS was doing something wrong by wanting to have some baby-free time with her new DH.

HatieKokpins · 31/07/2013 14:35

I genuinely hope you do apologise to your sister, this was absolutely none of you bloody business! Week at Mark Warner indeed, it's her HONEYMOON, you sillyarse!

MissBeehiving · 31/07/2013 14:35

You're not a bad sister Callme Smile - it is unreasonable to expect working grandparents to look after a child for a week if they're not keen. I felt protective of my parents and after seeing how knackered they were wished that I'd said something! However it was up to DM and DF to say no in the face of what was in my case, a great deal of emotional pressure being applied.

I butted out, but a "thankyou" from Dsis for the day of leave I took to look after DN would have been nice but was not forthcoming

Crinkle77 · 31/07/2013 14:36

After reading your later posts I can agree that it's not really fair on your parents if they both work full time and might find it difficult to look after a toddler for a week but it is up to your parents to tell your sister this. I think you wading in to the problem may have just made it worse. So i take some of the YABU back

MissDuke · 31/07/2013 14:36

If your parents work fulltime, how does your sister think this will work? It doesn't sound like your mum could take leave, unless it was school holidays? If it school holidays, then it would be lovely for your mum to spend so much time with the lo surely. If she doesn't want to, and that is absolutely her right to not want to, then she needs to discuss it with your sister.

You mention that your parents only see the baby once every 2 months, but the baby is nearly 3 months - so surely it is too soon to make that judgement?

I totally agree with you that it was very unreasonable of your sis not to discuss this first with everyone involved, but surely you could have been a little more gentle with her. I would perhaps gently suggest that she books as late as she can to see how she feels, I know I couldn't leave any of my children for a week and they are older. If she is certain that she wants to go for a week, which is totally reasonable, then I hope she is able to get family support to do so.

MissDuke · 31/07/2013 14:36

If your parents work fulltime, how does your sister think this will work? It doesn't sound like your mum could take leave, unless it was school holidays? If it school holidays, then it would be lovely for your mum to spend so much time with the lo surely. If she doesn't want to, and that is absolutely her right to not want to, then she needs to discuss it with your sister.

You mention that your parents only see the baby once every 2 months, but the baby is nearly 3 months - so surely it is too soon to make that judgement?

I totally agree with you that it was very unreasonable of your sis not to discuss this first with everyone involved, but surely you could have been a little more gentle with her. I would perhaps gently suggest that she books as late as she can to see how she feels, I know I couldn't leave any of my children for a week and they are older. If she is certain that she wants to go for a week, which is totally reasonable, then I hope she is able to get family support to do so.

BrianTheMole · 31/07/2013 14:37

I'm sure theres plenty of time for dn to get to know her grandparents better before they go away. Its not any of your business, if your parents have a problem they should say something, not you. Horribly interfering of you.

Original poster
Callmecordelia · 31/07/2013 14:39

Interesting question Lottie. In some ways, no I don't. They have a way of refusing things which is so terribly nice and polite that they are misunderstood sometimes. Saying no to things when she has enough on her plate is not something DM in particular is good at. Probably one of the reasons she is so exhausted.

OP posts:
Groovee · 31/07/2013 14:39

I think she is unreasonable for not asking parents first if they can care for her son while she is away. But I don't think it's unreasonable that she wants a honeymoon.

Making her cry is unreasonable. She's got a 3 month old and probably still all over the place.

Its up to your parents to say no!

JenaiMorris · 31/07/2013 14:40

It would have been reasonable to diplomatically mention that two weeks is a long time for her as a parent and that she might find it horrible when the time comes, and to suggest a rethink. But you handled it dreadfully, sorry.

As an older baby chances are that your dn would have a blast with their grandparents, for a week.

Capitola · 31/07/2013 14:41

I couldn't do it, but good luck to those who do. As long as the grandparents are happy to help - if they would find it too much then it's entirely unreasonable to ask.

We met a couple when we were on our honeymoon in Barbados who had left their 18 month old for 2 weeks. They were having a ball.

Holidays with tiny kids are not relaxing, and it's not like they miss you much.

We can't leave our 10 and 14 year olds for even a weekend now without major guilt - as they're old enough to realise they're missing out.

I'd love a child free break at this stage.

Original poster
Callmecordelia · 31/07/2013 14:44

MissBee - thanks. Quite willing to expect to be told that I was being unreasonable (the clue is in the forum name). I think I was thinking more as a daughter than a sister. Living with mum for a year and seeing what that job does to her.... I am a bit protective.

OP posts:
SoldeInvierno · 31/07/2013 14:44

YABU. The child will be absolutely fine providing he's with people who love him and want to be with him. In other countries, it is completely normal to leave children with the grandparents for the whole summer, while the parents work. It creates a lovely relationship between grandparents and children which lasts a life time.

Original poster
Callmecordelia · 31/07/2013 14:47

Jenai, I did that the first time. The second time she seemed to want to dump on my parents, I handled it badly. We'll talk later and I will apologise :-)

OP posts:
JaffaMyCake · 31/07/2013 14:47

YABVU it's none of your bloody business! If grandparents are happy to have the child and she is happy to leave him then I really don't see the issue!

HappyMummyOfOne · 31/07/2013 14:48

She is BU to assume its ok for her to have a child free holiday whilst expecting those around her to pamper to her requests. Her choice to get married after having children.

Whilst you probably should have kept your thoughts re leaving a baby for a week to yourself, YANBU to remind her that your parents have already said no and how can they go to work with a baby. Depends on your relationship, if close they i can see why you shared your views as sibkings often do.

Quaffle · 31/07/2013 14:49

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