Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have left them all to go and get something to eat?

272 replies

DfanjoUnchained · 30/07/2013 21:01

In short:

Dp's mother and sister come over at 3pm, still sitting around at 7.30pm but don't want to eat.

I'm starving, having a very painful and heavy period (sorry) and ds (7months) needs to eat too. I didnt have lunch either as ds teething and v difficult at the moment.

Dp was meant to cook or get food; he did neither. It got to half 7 and I couldn't wait any longer and said I needed to eat something as was feeling unwell. I asked what they all wanted to do and they said they would eat at home, fine.

I said goodbye to mil and sil and said sorry, ive really got to go, feeling unwell etc hope you dont mind, they said no go its fine. I left with ds and ate out.
When I get back they're gone and P is really angry, says my attitude was terrible and I shouldn't have 'stormed out'.

Apparent SIL feels unwelcome now Confused and I need to apologise if I want any kind of friendship with her. Was I meant to sit there and starve before another night of no sleep due to teething baby and horrible period pains??

Tbh I'm so annoyed at him for not supporting me, he knew I was feeling like shit and didnt support me.

OP posts:
MurderOfGoths · 31/07/2013 13:01

"So part of me thinks maybe we're not getting on well because we are on top of eachother here. Other part wants to just get my own flat with ds"

If it's any consolation at all, I'm in exactly the same situation.

ratspeaker · 31/07/2013 13:09

Joins YouStayClassySanDiego in head banging

There were 4 adults in that room. 1 was an exhausted ebf mother who has no help from her partner at looking after a teething child and that's who some of you are picking on for there being no food in the house for her to cook and entertain her partners family!
Does her partner who said he would shop and cook have no responsibility in this? Or does having a penis excuse him from such family duties?

bangs head again

DfanjoUnchained if you do move with him please, please keep your savings intact in case you need to move out.
Will a bigger house make him help out with DS more?
Even if he has his own office will it stop him moaning about the noise and bedlam that comes with an active toddler.
Will it make him get up early with DS and let you have along lie?

ChippingInHopHopHop · 31/07/2013 13:12

Love - find the cajones!!

He is a selfish twat - thinking only of his own needs and not yours - ever (from what you have said).

You have the resources to get a place on your own with DS, I bet your life would be infinitely nicer that way. Woman up :)

Emilythornesbff · 31/07/2013 14:15

Staying beyond a mealtime in that way is a criminal offence rude.
You might well have looked stroppy to them. So what? YWNBU.

Having BA cupboards is completely normal. Especially if someone has said they"ll sort dinner and don'tbother.

Adjusting to parenthood is tough. It's really hardon any relationship.
You both have lots going on. Your DP needs to be nice to you.

In your position I would talk to my GP or HV. I am wondering if you might have PND. I do apologise if this is speaking out of turn. Just the impression I have from your back story the tone of your Posts.
Sorry if this is off mark.

Btw. Don't be calling anyone about that non incident where you went out for food.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 31/07/2013 15:13

he really is not being supportive is he. do you think this might change when / if you move together? do you actually love him and want to be with him. if so, then yes perhaps more space will help but you need to be able to talk about what needs to change. some people really are very selfish Dh for example a minor thing here I know but if I have to go into work early / catch an early train to a conference etc I put my clothes in the bathroom and get breakfast quietly to avoid waking him, if he has the same situation he is in the bedroom rattling coathangers, radio on in the kitchen etc. He just does not THINK its not to be mean. If your DP is really uncaring and unhelpful all the time then this is an issue to be faced before you move, he changes or you don't go with him. ask yourself 'is this really the life you want for you and ds?' what would need to change for you to make things better, then TALK TO HIM its a chance to make your future how you want it to be. good luck.

Emilythornesbff · 31/07/2013 15:21

Good post stepawayfromtheecclescakes

Original poster
DfanjoUnchained · 31/07/2013 15:43

ask yourself 'is this really the life you want for you and ds?'

I ask myself that a lot. He's always been selfish. I know it's because of his childhood and I give him a lot of allowances for that, but it gets to a point where you ask yourself 'what's in this relationship for me?' And right now it's not much - the rent gets paid, that's probably it.

I feel like a fall a little out of love with him whenever he's like this or doesn't help me or isn't understanding.

I never thought about pnd, I had the baby blues but since 4 days old ive loved being a mum, just find it bloody exhausting and relentless too!

Sorry to hear that, MurderofGoths :( hope your situation improves.

OP posts:
Original poster
DfanjoUnchained · 31/07/2013 15:45

He texted me earlier (first contact all day) to ask if I had spoken to his sister yet. So I called her as I had a free minute.

She said she wasn't annoyed at me at all, just that she had felt uncomfortable yesterday as it felt like there was tension (which there was due to his thoughtlessness). She said she will speak to him about being more supportive.

OP posts:
Original poster
DfanjoUnchained · 31/07/2013 15:47

She said he really shouldve got food in and didnt know he had promised that. Funny he omitted that detail

OP posts:
LadyClariceCannockMonty · 31/07/2013 15:56

Good for his sister! He's a twat.

Those saying the OP was rude, should have a 'plan' in place etc, leave her the fuck alone.

ouryve · 31/07/2013 15:58

Glad your hunch about your SIL was correct. I expect she knows her brother all too well.Nice of your notso"D"P to apply her comment all to you and think it was nothing to do with him.

As for being a certain way because of his childhood - he's an adult, now. He needs to start making a real effort to behave like one.

TolliverGroat · 31/07/2013 16:00

Did you text him back to say "Yes. She thinks you're a tosser."?

Original poster
DfanjoUnchained · 31/07/2013 16:21

No but something similar Tolliver :)

I don't even want to go home tonight, it will just be another awkward tense night and ill have to initiate communication or we won't talk. Gah

OP posts:
Emilythornesbff · 31/07/2013 16:38

Sorry Dfanjo.
He does sound like a bit of a knob ATM. When you could really do with him being supportive.
Having a small child IS relentless and exhausting.

Hopefully his DSis will speak with him too. But I agree with ecclescakes

Pop round here if you like. We can always squeeze an extra one in for supper. Grin (sorry, unhelpful)

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 31/07/2013 17:33

Don't initiate communication. Let him sulk, enjoy the quiet and rise above any 'atmosphere'.

2rebecca · 31/07/2013 17:48

I wouldn't live with a sulky silent man. That would be a definite deal breaker for me. Adults discuss their problems and then get on with life. He is the one who should have been apologising for not having gone shopping as he promised.
OK giving each other an hour or so to calm down but rows carrying over into the next day aren't on for me. you sort it out and move on. No sulking, not even for children.

waltermittymissus · 31/07/2013 17:50

You need to tell this twat to shape up or ship out.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life tiptoeing around an overgrown man child?

Any of his redeeming qualities (if they exist) will be eroded over time by his massive faults: namely his being an unsupportive, undermining mama's boy.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 31/07/2013 19:17

overgrown man child indeed. You already have one child to look after, you don't need another one.

Maybe the move will be able to be a fresh start for him and the extra space will help you both... Can you set out some ground rules ("when you say you're going to get food in, you bloody get fucking food in" for example) and then quietly monitor things and if there's no improvement in a set amount of time, say 12 weeks, then think about your own next steps? DH and I had a super rough patch about 5 years ago and actually separated for a bit honestly more than a bit, more like a year and a half, but then ultimately decided to do a home reno we had been planning for ages which gave us more space. We had a talk about the new world order in our new home, including the DDs and their increased roles in the family in terms of helping out and housework etc, and I'm happy to say that things are now pretty good, great in fact.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 31/07/2013 19:23

All I am trying to say is that in spite of our problems, I could still see a glimmer of the man beneath the "child" and wanted to give it a go. I didnt want to walk away from my marriage without knowing that I had tried absolutely everything to make it work for me. And for him. I could not have continued the way things were before. But the key is DH more than met me half way. He grew up a LOT. He's now 100% an equal partner.

Having seen both (proper partner vs man child) in the same person, first of all I know it's possible for some of them to change, and second of all I know I would rather have NO relationship than one like my old one (like yours in fact OP if I can be blunt enough to say so).

Good luck and (((((hugs))))

Crumbledwalnuts · 31/07/2013 20:20

Firesidechat: sorry I've got previous, please don't feel undermined by my "snipey" generalisation. You sound very supportive.

ratspeaker · 31/07/2013 20:48

He's sulking with you even though he is in the wrong.
He doesn't seem to have apologised but still nagged at you to contact his sister ( I presume he wanted you to say sorry to her)
You say he is this way because of his childhood but what is it teaching your son?

If you have PND you would still " find it bloody exhausting and relentless too", new parent hood is, even more so when you have no support, help or empathy from your partner.

RenterNomad · 31/07/2013 21:40

If hinting guests out doesn't shift them, then going out is perfectly reasonable. There is absolutely NO rudeness involved, except from those who drove you to it by ignoring your needs (P top of the list)!

As for the perfectly disgusting smuggery on this thread about the OP's housekeeping: running down cupboard stocks is a perfectly admirable and impossible for me thing to do before a move. Having all these mythical stocks in store, which posters are misguidedly bragging about, would be irresponsible and wasteful!

Good luck with your strategic retreat! Smile Taking the food is an act of genius, BTW!

firesidechat · 31/07/2013 22:20

Crumbledwalnuts It's ok, I wasn't at all offended by what you said. I thought it was quite funny and I don't take my official mil status at all seriously. I think I've agreed with everything you've written on this thread too.

I've sometimes resorted to removing my contact lenses as a subtle hint to visitors that out stay their welcome. Even this hasn't always worked with a few of the more socially challenged of them.

MurderOfGoths · 31/07/2013 22:25

" I know it's because of his childhood and I give him a lot of allowances for that, but it gets to a point where you ask yourself 'what's in this relationship for me?' And right now it's not much - the rent gets paid, that's probably it."

:( Sweetheart

Devora · 31/07/2013 22:51

Oddest. Thread. Ever. Like being stampeded by a nest of hornets, all with Martha Stewart's face.

Swipe left for the next trending thread