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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have left them all to go and get something to eat?

272 replies

DfanjoUnchained · 30/07/2013 21:01

In short:

Dp's mother and sister come over at 3pm, still sitting around at 7.30pm but don't want to eat.

I'm starving, having a very painful and heavy period (sorry) and ds (7months) needs to eat too. I didnt have lunch either as ds teething and v difficult at the moment.

Dp was meant to cook or get food; he did neither. It got to half 7 and I couldn't wait any longer and said I needed to eat something as was feeling unwell. I asked what they all wanted to do and they said they would eat at home, fine.

I said goodbye to mil and sil and said sorry, ive really got to go, feeling unwell etc hope you dont mind, they said no go its fine. I left with ds and ate out.
When I get back they're gone and P is really angry, says my attitude was terrible and I shouldn't have 'stormed out'.

Apparent SIL feels unwelcome now Confused and I need to apologise if I want any kind of friendship with her. Was I meant to sit there and starve before another night of no sleep due to teething baby and horrible period pains??

Tbh I'm so annoyed at him for not supporting me, he knew I was feeling like shit and didnt support me.

OP posts:
AlistairSim · 31/07/2013 09:02

I think the only emergency plan you need to make, OP, is your leaving plan.

YANBU.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 31/07/2013 09:05

IT'S NOT ABOUT THE FOOD THAT WASN'T IN THE HOUSE!

Flobbadobs · 31/07/2013 09:05

Have a good day Dfanjo hope the weather's better where you are than it has been here! It's V undecided here at the moment, however going off yesterday it will probably decide to piss it down 5 minutes after we set off out... Angry

MadBusLady · 31/07/2013 09:10

Maybe some posters have fairies that do the shopping so they never run out of food. And even if they do they can still make Fairy and High Horse Stew.

MrsMangoBiscuit · 31/07/2013 09:11

I've just read this thread with this face - Shock - on.

Of course YWNBU in the slightest. In your shoes, my DH would not be getting the silent treatment, he'd be getting a piece of my mind!

Your P KNEW you had no food in, he KNEW you and your DS would need to eat.
He promised to sort out food, then didn't bother.
He promised he would ask his DM to leave before it got to the point where you would have to go out and risk offending them (oddballs for being offended at that, but there we go), then he didn't bother.

Sounds like this situation was entirely his making. He had plenty of opportunities to avoid it getting to that point, but he didn't bother. He backed you into a corner, then decided to blame you for it?!? Sounds like he's being an utter shit, to be frank.

Do you think he wanted to create an arguement?

MrsMangoBiscuit · 31/07/2013 09:11

Grin at " Fairy and High Horse Stew"

EatYourCrusts · 31/07/2013 09:20

This is the third thread I've read today where people are just being horrible and focusing on one minor aspect to pick pick pick.
Is this a summer thing? I may leave and come back in September.

OP: You did nothing wrong. I am sorry your mum won't look after you, you possibly accept the rubbish treatment from your OH if your mum treated you badly growing up? Your OH sounds crap. I think you might end up happier living alone if he can't change.

Bitches: Put your kids in a playscheme if they make you so bloody miserable.

Flobbadobs · 31/07/2013 09:20

Fairy and High horse stew Grin
Don't give Findus any ideas....

shewhowines · 31/07/2013 09:21

I agree - it's not about the food!

YANBU. They knew you needed food but put their own "un-need" before you. Very selfish and unnecessary.

Agree that the problem now is what to do about your relationship. Think carefully.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/07/2013 10:23

Your mother is "narcissistic and a workaholic" (which may have influenced you to become a "Bit of a people pleaser" ). Your DP "has a very toxic relationship with his mother" which has probably fucked him up a bit as well. And the relationship between you and DP sounds pretty unbalanced with you running after him (because you've been moulded into a people pleaser) and him being a selfish arse.

I really don't like the sound of your home life. In fact, it doesn't sound as if where you live can be considered a home in the true sense, the place where you can relax and be yourself and feel safe and secure. Your DP behaves in such a way that you "have to be out a lot to give him space to work. But sometimes I just want to crash at home rather than go to baby classes or friends." And yesterday he behaved in such a way (agreeing to shop/cook but not doing so) that you were driven from your home just to meet your and DS's basic needs.

" I'm thinking of splitting"
That's very good news! Seriously, your relationship does not sound healthy. You've said you are moving home shortly, is there any possibility that you could move without him, or he could move and you stay put?

Original poster
DfanjoUnchained · 31/07/2013 10:31

" I'm thinking of splitting"
That's very good news! Seriously, your relationship does not sound healthy. You've said you are moving home shortly, is there any possibility that you could move without him, or he could move and you stay put?

This is where I'm torn because the new house is so much bigger, he will have his own office tucked away and me and ds will have lots of space to place and chill out. Plus there's a dishwasher Grin

So part of me thinks maybe we're not getting on well because we are on top of eachother here. Other part wants to just get my own flat with ds, I've saved a good amount of money so can do this. Don't think I have the cajones though :(

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 31/07/2013 10:36

"part of me thinks maybe we're not getting on well because we are on top of eachother here"
Well it won't help, but it's not the root of the problem really, is it? You've said it got worse when he started working from home, but to get worse it has to have already been bad.

Has he any idea of how bad his selfishness is, and how it is affecting your relationship?

EvieanneVolvic · 31/07/2013 10:39

You could have a pointDfanjo and it may well be that a new environment makes for a more relaxed atmosphere all round which may help to heal the problems you're having.

But do hang onto your escape fund...I am thrilled that you've got one!

MadBusLady · 31/07/2013 10:41

Well, it must be good to feel you have the option though. I agree with everything Whereyouleftit says, but I also think go easy on yourself. You're bfing a 7mo and organizing a house move - you'll look back on this and wonder how the hell you did it and fielded passive-aggressive shite from your in-laws and just aggressive shite from your P at the same time. Once you're in the new house, it will quickly become clear whether it was just logistics all along (or will he suddenly develop reasons why you can't relax there either?) Then might be the time to cultivate the cojones.

Littlegreyauditor · 31/07/2013 11:08

This is the third thread I've read today where people are just being horrible and focusing on one minor aspect to pick pick pick.

This Confused

Hope you got some sleep OP, and feel at least a bit better.

UptoapointLordCopper · 31/07/2013 11:17

Fairy and High horse stew I would stew the guests with it, I would. Grin

GingerBlondecat · 31/07/2013 11:20

I'm only on page 3, forgive me.

(((((((((((((((((very Soft Hugs)))))))))))))) OP

Many normal people have been in the situation of being without enough food in the house. Nothing to be ashamed off Sweetie.

GingerBlondecat · 31/07/2013 11:33

Sweetie, A bigger house won't fix him.

(((((((((((((((((warm Hugs)))))))))))))))

BeQuicksieorBeDead · 31/07/2013 11:36

I would have left them, and probably earlier. I am a true people pleaser too, but since getting pregnant have found my selfish side! They decide to make camp at your house, knowing you are tired and hungry, I would expect at the very least that one of the ladies would offer to get you something, if only to show their lazy brother/son how he should be treating you. They are enabling his behaviour.

I wouldn't think twice about this - you were hungry, you offered to take them too, f them if they want to get mardy about it. They shouldn't be so rude as to expect you to stay in all afternoon to entertain them.

Your dp needs a boot up the arse. Good luck with the move...may I suggest you are out to lunch on that day as well?!

maja00 · 31/07/2013 11:51

All of this just gets worse and worse.

Your DP can't look out for his family's basic need to EAT - even when he has promised to and on the very rare occasion where it isn't all sorted for him.

YOU have to get up early and take the baby away to let him have a lie-in? Gobsmacked by this - presumably you are feeding/tending to the baby in the night, you should be getting the lie-in!

You have to go out all day so that he can work in peace? Again, WTF? He needs to shut himself away and get on with it or find himself a cafe/library/office space to work in.

mrspaddy · 31/07/2013 11:56

I don't think YABU Op.. I think the issue here is your lack of support. You weren't feeling well.. you hadn't got around to doing a food shop and honestly DP should have prepared something for visitors or organised a takeaway.

From 3-7 is a long visit. Maybe for the next time have a few pizza's in the freezer if you can.

Don't beat yourself up about this..

I never have a 'spare dinner' hanging about for guests and what day you do your food shopping determines what is in the house and is no-one's business but your own family.

maja00 · 31/07/2013 12:05

The OP wasn't supposed to do the food shop - it wasn't a case of her not getting around to it - her DP was supposed to do it and didn't bother.

Not the OP's responsibility to ensure there is food in the freezer - her DP's responsibility to do as he says he will.

teaforthree · 31/07/2013 12:33

You poor thing, I want to give you a sausage pie with lots of gravy and cuddles. Your in laws overstayed their welcome and your DP clearly has no balls not to say, "come on, time to leave."

When DD was about a month old, the same thing happened to me with BIL and his then girlfriend. I was still bleeding, DD was feeding every hour, we were both baby shocked still and they both just sat there wanting drinks. In the end, I just burst into tears and went upstairs. DP asked them to leave, and then ordered some food.

In my tired brain, I couldn't work out what to do next, I just needed food and rest! It's not an uncommon thing, and it's not up to you to make people feel welcome when they should have gone home an hour ago. Flowers

stripeyspots · 31/07/2013 12:56

Yanbu, ignore posters saying you are or should have had food in, we all run our of stuff and you can do what you bloody well like, they'd been there 4 hours! When I'm on my periods sometimes I feel as though I must eat right now or I feel faint.

firesidechat · 31/07/2013 12:57

Dfanjo: how great do you feel about yourself now that all these posters have had a go at you ? So much better for posting on mumsnet for a bit of support ? It's like a collective gathering of snipey MILS.

Crumbledwalnuts well I'm a mil and totally astonished that posters are saying OP was unreasonable. There's something in the air on MN today and it's not nice.

Isn't it rude to stay past a normal mealtime and refuse food? You either eat or leave surely. OPs partner was supposed to get food, failed abysmally at that simple task and then blamed OP for going to get something to eat. Why should OP have to make do with a slice of toast for her main meal because visitors are outstaying their welcome.

I quite often shop on a daily basis for food because a) I can and 2) I don't always know what I will want to eat a few days ahead.

It appears that rude extended family are more important than wives and partners today.