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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have left them all to go and get something to eat?

272 replies

DfanjoUnchained · 30/07/2013 21:01

In short:

Dp's mother and sister come over at 3pm, still sitting around at 7.30pm but don't want to eat.

I'm starving, having a very painful and heavy period (sorry) and ds (7months) needs to eat too. I didnt have lunch either as ds teething and v difficult at the moment.

Dp was meant to cook or get food; he did neither. It got to half 7 and I couldn't wait any longer and said I needed to eat something as was feeling unwell. I asked what they all wanted to do and they said they would eat at home, fine.

I said goodbye to mil and sil and said sorry, ive really got to go, feeling unwell etc hope you dont mind, they said no go its fine. I left with ds and ate out.
When I get back they're gone and P is really angry, says my attitude was terrible and I shouldn't have 'stormed out'.

Apparent SIL feels unwelcome now Confused and I need to apologise if I want any kind of friendship with her. Was I meant to sit there and starve before another night of no sleep due to teething baby and horrible period pains??

Tbh I'm so annoyed at him for not supporting me, he knew I was feeling like shit and didnt support me.

OP posts:
Original poster
DfanjoUnchained · 31/07/2013 08:18

Move is in a fortnight. I wouldn't be looked after at my mums, it would just be to get space. I wish I had the sort of mum who cooks for you and cuddles but she's different. Quite narcissistic and a workaholic.

OP posts:
Original poster
DfanjoUnchained · 31/07/2013 08:19

Yes I did Melanie I kept saying me and ds needed to eat and what shall we do etc. When ds napped at 5 he should've got something. Instead they were all looking online at things that would suit P with his mother fawning over him

OP posts:
Original poster
DfanjoUnchained · 31/07/2013 08:21

I sort out food EVERYDAY. At lunchtime yesterday, P called and said they might stay for dinner as they were coming over about 4.30/5pm (they came early) so I said well you need to sort food today as I'm really not up to it, he agreed.

Why do I then have to keep reminding a grown fucking man to cook for us? He's never had to remind me.

OP posts:
nkf · 31/07/2013 08:23

Make things easy today. How far are the shops? You go. Buy enough for two days. Or ask him to go. Buy enough for two days. Soup. Bread. Ham. Cheese. Just hunker down till you feel better. And nurofen for the period pains.

ratspeaker · 31/07/2013 08:25

I'm astonished at many poster focussing on the OP not having food in. Look at he contrast in support between this thread and the thread where another OPs DH has invited a couple to dinner after she asked him not to.

Here the OP has a partner who is capable of shopping and cooking, in fact he said he was going to then did not.
The OP is a ebf mother, lacking in sleep, understanding and support from her partner and his family. She asked if they wanted to eat, she asked what they wanted to do. She is not in the wrong for going to feed herself and her child.

DfanjoUnchained please dont phone your SIL to apologise. She and your partner should be apologising to you for making you uncomfortable and unwell. If you start saying sorry they will feel their rudeness/sulking is justified, which it isn't.
Reading your replies I think this situation is just one symptom in an unhappy relationship.
Why cant your partner take the wee one into the living room and let you rest?

Original poster
DfanjoUnchained · 31/07/2013 08:29

Because he just wouldn't think to do that ratspeaker I have to prompt him to do everything. It's tiring.

I'm seeing my dad today and will pick up some food. I actually brought him some food back from the place I went to and he didnt touch it to make a point probably.

I bet he's really looking forward to it for lunch so I'm going to take it with me and eat it for dinner at mums.

I was going to call SIL to talk about it, definitely not apologise. She's acted exceptionally rude infront of me countless times, so has her mother and I've never had a call or apology :/

OP posts:
whois · 31/07/2013 08:30

OP was not U at all! I'd there's no food in the house, or you don't feel like cooking, then totally acceptable to go out to eat.

DP sounds like a bit of a twat tho, he's not giving you a lot of respect really.

nkf · 31/07/2013 08:30

Why call your sister in law? Does it really matter? Let all that go and build up your strength. Don't brush what happened between you and your partner under the carpet, but it doesn't all have to be handled today. Let him sulk.

Original poster
DfanjoUnchained · 31/07/2013 08:32

Maybe ill just leave it nkf

OP posts:
opalescent · 31/07/2013 08:32

Dfanjo I hate situations like you described, and know exactly what you mean. Over-hungry, over-tired and periody would put me in a foul mood, and I am always amazed when people are so oblivious that they have outstayed their welcome.
You did nothing wrong.
Oh, and I budget food shop and meal plan. Which is great, except that if I don't make it to the shops when I plan to, there can be very little food in the house on the odd occasion. really no big dealGrin

Original poster
DfanjoUnchained · 31/07/2013 08:33

I just get very anxious if I feel someone is upset with me. Bit of a people pleaser I guess but will try and not call. His mums probably forgotten already knowing her mental capacity.

OP posts:
MurderOfGoths · 31/07/2013 08:33

"I bet he's really looking forward to it for lunch so I'm going to take it with me and eat it for dinner at mums."

Good idea

ArrowofApollo · 31/07/2013 08:33

I agree RatSpeaker. Surely the issue here is the OP's unsupportive partner? And rude as fuck in-laws?
Agree you should NOT apologise, you have nothing wrong.

Groovee · 31/07/2013 08:40

I think your partner was quite rude to you when you returned. He hadn't kept his side of what you agreed so why should you be hospitable to his family?

I'd be sitting him down for a strong talking to and making him aware of what needs to change!

MissStrawberry · 31/07/2013 08:42

Having no food in the house is ridiculous and stupid when you have a baby.

"Wilting flower" sounds a bit precious tbh and daft.

You are an adult and should eat when you are hungry. If your partner does nothing for you then what is the point of being with him?

Your SIL is begin silly too. You have nothing to apologise about. Seems to me your inlaws like making you feel uncomfortable in your own home and your partner certainly isn't on your side.

2rebecca · 31/07/2013 08:43

I think your partner has behaved appallingly, and I think hanging around someone's house at 7.30 saying you will eat later but not letting them get on with shopping and preparing food is very rude. If you haven't been invited for a meal then you leave before meal time.
As your parnter knew his parents were coming he should have sorted out the shopping before they arrived, or told them that they'll have to go as he needs to go shopping as he's preparing dinner and hasn't got any food in. His pregnant wife and kids should have come first.
It sounds as though you weren't direct enough in asking him what he is doing about shopping for dinner and getting an answer.
I don't understand why he is being so horrible, he is the one who promised to go shopping and cook dinner and decided not to and so left you hungry at 7.30. I'm not sure why he found it so hard to tell his relatives that they'll have to go so he can go shopping and sort out dinner.

MurderOfGoths · 31/07/2013 08:43

"Having no food in the house is ridiculous and stupid when you have a baby."

There would have been food in the house if the partner did the shop when he said he would. How hard is this to grasp?? It's not the OP's fault if he's being a lazy fucker.

ilovesooty · 31/07/2013 08:45

This man sounds like an abusive bully. Are you really planning on spending the tet of your life with him?

I generally feel that there are people on here too quick to identity abuse but he really does sound toxic. He seems to suck the joy and self belief from you. Living with him sounds such hard work.

ilovesooty · 31/07/2013 08:47

For fuck`s sake. Will people shut up about the food in the cupboards?

Sheshelob · 31/07/2013 08:51

I bet you've got a picnic up there on your high horse, eh Strawberry?

Or just a couple of scotch eggs in your saddle bags?

Have you met Fakebook? She and her husband are starting an army of mealtime first responders that I think would benefit from a mounted unit...

CSIJanner · 31/07/2013 08:52

WTAF has gone on with this thread?

OP - you mentioned several times you were hungry. YWNBU to go out looking for food when your OH was supposed to shop.

The in-laws clearly didn't get your not so subtle hints of I need to eat and there's nothing in. You say OH has a toxic relationship with MIL - I think you'll find that your SIL won't have a problem at all with your leaving.

Your OH was unreasonable and is projecting his guilt on you to a point I think. He should have got food in - pasta, cream and cheese is enough to make macaroni cheese. Throw in some ham or mushrooms and jobs done. That's all he needed to do - get some staples in that you could make a meal out of. HWBU for not ensuring his family was fed.

I do agree with other posters that maybe you shouldn't have left but only because I don't agree with your having to leave your own home due to other people's thoughtlessness. It's supposed to be your sanctuary where you can rest, eat and feel that you can relax and be yourself. Not where you have to leave because guests overstay and your OH has been an arse with a complete lack of shopping. TBH I would be mortified if I was at my SIL's and put her in this position. But then my SIL would tell me I had to leave due to meal times.

Going to your mums is probably good as your OH works from home and it sounds like you need your space. To think, to rest and concentrate on you and DS. I'm presuming you've not had a break since DS was born and you do all the cooking, nightfeeds and housework? I think the major crux of the problem here from your posts is a partner who is selfish, thinks of himself and how he is perceived by the world. Hes not talking to you today as he thinks you embarressed him in front of his family (you may find SIL bollocked him for not getting foodin!) And you were expected to cook for him when you came home just after giving birth? Pffft! And you must leave the house so that he can work from home in peace? I do this for DH as an occasional one off but my DH has just told me if he needed somewhere quiet to work from home, he would just buy himself a shed.

Ignore the child-man with the attitude giving the silent treatment and try to have a better day.

MadBusLady · 31/07/2013 08:55

Dfanjo hope you have a better day today. YWNBU in the slightest.

Seriously, what the actual fuck is the matter with some of you?

fishandlilacs · 31/07/2013 08:55

you poor thing,
Your DP is a twat, his parents are rude.
You are overtired, ebf and a period and nothing you fancied eating.
You go get some food, and this is made out that you had done a selfish act! No one who hasn't breastfed and looked after a small DC on little sleep would understand how all encompassing the hunger is.

I think you should go to your mums, get some support and some love and have a rethink. You deserve better.

ExcuseTypos · 31/07/2013 09:00

Agree with every thing fishandlilacs says.

YANBU and your H and relatives are being ridiculous.

Original poster
DfanjoUnchained · 31/07/2013 09:00

Thanks for all the support today. Maybe there was a full moon last night or something.

I'm going to have a nice day with ds and leave him to sulk. He is indeed a man child.

OP posts: