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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell DD she can't visit this friend again

289 replies

missimperfect · 28/07/2013 21:47

DD has just finished year 7 and just turned 12. I am finding it a bit of a shock getting used to being "out of the loop" when I was quite involved at primary school and knew the other parents etc. So maybe I just don't know the etiquette here and am being unreasonable but...

DD asked if she could visit a friend today - arranged by text. I have never met this friend. So I took her over to the house expecting to see the mum (or dad) when I dropped her off. This is what I would usually do. Quite often the parent will even say "come in" etc when we first meet.

But today we turn up, the girl answers the door and clearly just expects DD to go in and me to leave. No sign of a parent. I hang around for a moment and ask a couple of friendly questions hoping that a parent might come to the door if they hear us chatting, but no.

Now I know I will get slated for this but I am not comfortable - the hallway is dark, dirty and reeks of smoke. No other rooms are visible as there is only stairs and a closed door through to the rest of the house. Empty beer bottles piled in a box by the door.

But I decide to risk it - tell DD to call if any problems, say I will be back in a couple of hours to collect her. When I return to collect - again no sign of any parent. I ask DD how it went etc, seems fairly harmless although they mostly just sat around. She saw the dad once briefly in the kitchen. No one else.

So should I not let her visit again? I just don't feel comfortable about it but am I just being a bit precious?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 28/07/2013 21:50

you're being precious, sorry. Its not the girls fault

milktraylady · 28/07/2013 21:50

Listen to your instincts.

My view- no way would she be allowed over to that house again.

YouTheCat · 28/07/2013 21:53

She's 12, not 6.

thebody · 28/07/2013 21:54

yes you are I am afraid. your dd at 12 will make a huge circle of friends of both sexes and all social groups. trust her, make sure she always has her mobile on her to call you and above all discuss everything with her.

trust her unless she lets you down.

my kids have friends who live in 1.2 million pound houses and others who live on a rough estate in a tiny flat.

it's life.

YouTheCat · 28/07/2013 21:54

Actually, dd would have been mortified to be dropped at the door at that age.

Squooodle · 28/07/2013 21:54

I'd tell dd why I wasn't comfortable... And say her friend should visit our home next time ( and every time).

Juniperdewdropofbrandy · 28/07/2013 21:56

Invite the girl over to yours and see what she's like with your dd. That's the most important thing.

I wouldn't fancy my dss being around smoke but tbh they'd not sit in a room with smokers.

I'm sure your dd will be ok but if you're really uncomfortable then try to curtail her visiting. Maybe take them both out somewhere?

HeySoulSister · 28/07/2013 21:57

The beer bottles were in a box, not strewn across the garden..... That's a start surely

Op.... This will happen now at this age

mrsfassbender · 28/07/2013 21:57

Agree with squooodle, get her friend to yours in future. I don't think you're being precious, I'd feel the same with my dd, not so much the dark corridor etc but the fact you don't know the girl's parents.

BellaVita · 28/07/2013 21:58

Welcome to the world of secondary school life.

This is the way it will be.

She is 12.

crunchbag · 28/07/2013 21:58

YABU. as others have said she is 12 not 6. And nothing in your description sound too bad.

AgentZigzag · 28/07/2013 21:59

I agree with Branleuse, the decrease in control something you're going to have to get used to.

It's scary and I'm having the same worry with my 12 YO DD, but her phone's my friend, and I've drilled it into her to answer me when I text/call (HA! if only) even if it's just a 'K?', 'Yup', then I can put my mind at rest.

Your DD's old enough to choose her own mates, and has been for quite a while, let her get on with it.

If you'd harshly judge empty alcohol bottles piled up waiting for recycling, then bring that judgement down on me, because DH (I'm not touching the manky, spider fucking infested bags) is terrible for sorting ours and we'd look like alcoholics to an outside eye!

HollyBerryBush · 28/07/2013 21:59

I dont think I've ever met any of my DSs secondary school friends parents

WorraLiberty · 28/07/2013 21:59

I would have said to the child, "Hi, can I have a quick word with your Mum or Dad please?"

That's just normal, isn't it?

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 28/07/2013 21:59

So they smoke in their own home, not up to scratch with cleaning and have the recycling (maybe?) by the front door?

You're being precious.

If you're concerned then maybe have a conversation with your dd but its her friend at the end if the day. Not her friends fault that's how she lives and you don't approve.

BellaVita · 28/07/2013 22:00

Oh and we have a bag hung on our utility door with empty beer bottles in.

Both DS's would have died of embarrassment if I saw them to the door at that age.

usualsuspect · 28/07/2013 22:03

My 12 year old would have made her own way there.

You need to let go,will you still be expecting to meet the parents when she is 15/16?

ChippingInHopHopHop · 28/07/2013 22:05

She is 12, she has got to the age where you aren't going to know all the parents, where you aren't going to meet all the parents, where they will want to meet at a cafe/pictures/park.

the hallway is dark, dirty and reeks of smoke. No other rooms are visible as there is only stairs and a closed door through to the rest of the house. Empty beer bottles piled in a box by the door What is the real problem? It's darker (and??) dirtier (shame but she's visiting not moving in)... and there are bottles by the door... really, you need to stop being so judgey... not everyone is as immaculate as you or I, but that doesn't make them less loving, less able to bring their children up well or less anything else...

You have to trust that you have brought her up well and armed her with the resourcefulness to look after herself.

One thing to tell her is that she can always call you, no matter what, and you will help her & her friends without recrimination.

usualsuspect · 28/07/2013 22:05

My recycling box is always full of beer bottles.

usualsuspect · 28/07/2013 22:07

I don't think I ever met the parents of my secondary school aged kids mates either tbh.

ImNotBloody14 · 28/07/2013 22:08

Would it have been acceptable if they'd been wine bottles?

YooMooo · 28/07/2013 22:09

I do think YABU.

My DS is that age, I have let him go to several friends houses where I have not met the parents. He has also had friends here that I have only met fleetingly, because I have been in another part of the house doing housework, or outside gardening, or watching tv upstairs. It is v different from primary school playdates where you feel you have to provide a degree of supervision etc, my DS is embarrassed if I even enter the room now when his friends are round!

Moxiegirl · 28/07/2013 22:09

She's 12, you are BU.

Parker231 · 28/07/2013 22:09

By the time they are 12 you can't choose their friends for them or even keep up with who are their friends and where they live.

Picturesinthefirelight · 28/07/2013 22:10

I had two school friends at that age who lived in houses like you describe.

One had parents as rough as anything with hearts of gold - my parents said they would have done anything for anyone & despite the difference in lifestyle encouraged the friendship and had respect for them.

The other had parents who couldn't give a sh** but my friend needed the support of her friends as her parents didn't care less. She was serious & a bookworm they just concerned about the next drink & whether her mum was getting a new boyfriend.

I'm glad I was able to be friends with both of them.

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