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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell DD she can't visit this friend again

289 replies

missimperfect · 28/07/2013 21:47

DD has just finished year 7 and just turned 12. I am finding it a bit of a shock getting used to being "out of the loop" when I was quite involved at primary school and knew the other parents etc. So maybe I just don't know the etiquette here and am being unreasonable but...

DD asked if she could visit a friend today - arranged by text. I have never met this friend. So I took her over to the house expecting to see the mum (or dad) when I dropped her off. This is what I would usually do. Quite often the parent will even say "come in" etc when we first meet.

But today we turn up, the girl answers the door and clearly just expects DD to go in and me to leave. No sign of a parent. I hang around for a moment and ask a couple of friendly questions hoping that a parent might come to the door if they hear us chatting, but no.

Now I know I will get slated for this but I am not comfortable - the hallway is dark, dirty and reeks of smoke. No other rooms are visible as there is only stairs and a closed door through to the rest of the house. Empty beer bottles piled in a box by the door.

But I decide to risk it - tell DD to call if any problems, say I will be back in a couple of hours to collect her. When I return to collect - again no sign of any parent. I ask DD how it went etc, seems fairly harmless although they mostly just sat around. She saw the dad once briefly in the kitchen. No one else.

So should I not let her visit again? I just don't feel comfortable about it but am I just being a bit precious?

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 29/07/2013 08:29

This is where you have had to put in the ground work earlier - it is all a question of letting go. When they start school there are all the anguished posts about them going to play dates where you don't know the parent and are not invited. You have to get used to the fact they make their own friends.
At secondary you simply won't know the friends. By they time you should be able to trust your DCs judgement and they should know how to deal with a situation they are not comfortable with. They need a mobile phone and to be able to get in touch with you.
She is almost a teenager and you can't treat them like 5 yr olds and deliver them and speak to parents- or at least you can't rely on it. You also can't embarrass your DC.

exoticfruits · 29/07/2013 08:30

Invite the DD to your house.

whatever5 · 29/07/2013 08:33

I'm quite surprised by a lot of these answers. Apart from anything else you would want to check that the parents were in and happy to have visitors surely?

orderinformation · 29/07/2013 08:35

I think those of you thinking original op judgey or bu are wrong. 11 is young. Now more than ever your dd needs guidance about judging situations. There is more pressure to be nonchalant and cool and not say of you feel uncomfortable at this age. Yet 11 year olds grow up at different rates.

I would just have a blanket rule at this age that you have to meet the parents before she goes to anyone's house. She can always blame it on you.

I mean what if the house has a dangerous dog in it. Or a druggie older sibling. Etc

jamdonut · 29/07/2013 08:47

Once they go to secondary school,you have to let go somewhat. I ask many questions,especially of my daughter,but they don't want parents to meet because it is embarrassing.
I also expect regular texts to tell me what she is up to ,or if they've moved on from the house to go round town or to the beach or park.

The only time you get to meet other parents is at parent's consultation meetings!! And then it is a brief 'Hello'. Say more and you will get rolled eyes and "Mu-u-u-um!".

My children's secondary has 6 or 7 feeder primaries,so there is potential for a wide ranging group of new friends from different areas when they start. Its not possible to know everyone individually. If they become best friends,you are more likely to get to speak to a parent eventually.

FrauMoose · 29/07/2013 08:48

I can still remember that when I was about 8 my mother tried to stop me from seeing one of my friends - we'll call her Bernadette Kelly - on the grounds that Bernadette was 'common.' Yes 'common' was the word she used. On the other hand my friendship with let's-call-her-Catherine was encouraged because Catherine was very quiet and polite and well-behaved (and frankly extremely dull.)

I couldn't have articulated it at the time, but I was very puzzled about the judgement used in the word 'common'. What was wrong with being common? Why did I have to be 'not common'. I think I would have understood if my mother had said that Bernadette had been badly behaved and/or rude. But common???

I am mentioning this because I feel that there may be something similar going on in the original post. Beer bottles, nicotine and a lack of visibly middle class protective parenting are perceived as a potential contamination.

I think it's important to remember that growing children start to judge their parents. And their judgments will not necessarily be favourable.

funkybuddah · 29/07/2013 09:21

I think your assumption that a parent was even there is odd, my nephew is that age and both parents work full time so there wouldn't be an adult home.

If it was a sleepover I think I would want to check in with the parent before the event but only to be sure it was ok with them.

Scruffey · 29/07/2013 09:29

I'm surprised at these answers. Surely it would have been polite to at least say hello when someone comes to your house - the host girl's parents should have at least said that IMO.

And I would not have been thrilled at the hallway reeking of smoke. It's 2013 and everybody knows smoke is harmful. Not sure why everyone is being so accepting of this.

I would have a chat with your dd to find out further info. If you judge it to be unsafe for any reason, you could invite the girl to your house or encourage the girls to go out somewhere.

You do have to let go at some point, but that is a phased process and at 12 she certainly needs guidance with her decisions via a reasoned discussion.

exoticfruits · 29/07/2013 10:05

By 12 yrs she should be capable of her own judgement- by all means have the talk but it should have been started some years earlier. If the haven't got good judgement by 12yrs they are unlikely to get it IMO.

RoxyFox211 · 29/07/2013 10:19

yabu. Im very shy, live in a dark flat and drink beer but i assure you im very responsible and take very good care of my dd and would any of her friends who might come round. You cannot judge people on the things you have stated. Ask your dd what its like round there, is she comfortable/happy? if the answer is yes then leave it. This girl (her friend) has managed to survive 12 years living there and going to school so im sure its not going to hurt your dd to be there a few hours.

livinginwonderland · 29/07/2013 10:44

YABU. My parents would never have walked me to the door at that age, you're lucky that she even let you do that! Also, at 12, I'd have been home alone over the summer and there'd have been no parents for you to meet even if you'd insisted on it.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 29/07/2013 10:51

They recycle......so can't be all bad.

The recycling bit in the cheese household us known as 'the box of shame' as our drinking habits are laid bare for all to see once a fortnight Blush

Dancergirl · 29/07/2013 10:51

I'm intrigued by all these people saying she should invite this girl home. Surely by the same reasoning, this girls parents should inspect both the OP's home and the host parents to ensure they are suitable....?

Bumblequeen · 29/07/2013 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

melika · 29/07/2013 11:34

Come and have a look at my recycling! Seriously, friends are transient at this age, she probably won't go back. Maybe if there is a next time you can get a proper nose at the house.

crunchbag · 29/07/2013 11:37

The parent probably wasn't even aware you were at the door. So next time something like this happens just ask straight out if you can have a quick word with the parent.

isitsnowingyet · 29/07/2013 11:46

YANBU - I say you should definitely listen to your instincts. Kids still need guidance at 12 years of age and I would not feel comfortable leaving my 12 year old at a house where I had not spoken to the parent. It's not really a matter of 'trusting your child'.

Salmotrutta · 29/07/2013 11:50

I'm very glad we have a little back porch - it means we can hoik all the bottles in there and no one can see them when we answer the front door.

Grin
PicardyThird · 29/07/2013 11:51

I would have said to the girl 'can you get your mum or dad for a moment, please?' Then introduced myself, said thank you for having dc over and told parent when I would be back. I wouldn't have left again without making sure a parent was around.

YABabitUabout the beer bottles. YANBU about the smoke, but it's legal in their own home.

mumeeee · 29/07/2013 12:02

YABU. She said she saw the Dad so there were adults around. She only went for a couple of hours and I wouldn't have wanted to meet the parents at that age. It would be different if she was being taken out for the day or going to sleep over

cory · 29/07/2013 12:07

Agree with funkybuddah that it's a bit of an odd assumption that the parent will be in.

When my dc were at secondary school I didn't think I had to stay in and watch over them every single minute of the day, and having a friend over was no longer a formal playdate but a far more casual affair.

Often I would be at work and dc would let themselves in. They still do (youngest is 13). I have rules about when they have to be home and letting someone know where they are, but would not accompany them to a friend's house. Most people work around here and nobody uses a childminder after Yr 6.

alimac87 · 29/07/2013 12:08

I always try to meet the parents, especially even if no one wants me to, if only so that I can have a working mobile phone number to call later on when DD 'forgets' to charge her mobile, and an address to knock at.

My DS at that age went through a phase of being rubbish at telling me where he was, so I would harvest contact numbers/meet parents whenever I could. I don't do it now but it was very helpful in building a network of secondary school parents.

DD (12) has a good friend whose house sounds a bit like the OP's. Parents seem lovely but friend uses a lot of sexual talk and has much older brothers and sisters so I just keep a bit of an eye on things. I don't let her sleep over, because it's smoky and she has asthma. And I do expect people to inspect us in return and find us wanting.

GherkinsAreAce · 29/07/2013 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cushtie335 · 29/07/2013 12:15

Sorry but you're going to have to get used to not being "in the loop" anymore. My DS is 16 and since she went to High School I have only briefly met one new person that she hangs around with there, the rest are all just names to me and pictures on a smartphone. They don't hang around each others houses as they all live in different areas (the school has a huge catchment) and tend to meet in town at places like Nandos and go shopping. Her social life has absolutely nothing to do with me anymore.

prettybird · 29/07/2013 12:18

Your dd has already had one year at secondary. It is not as if she is about to go into Y7 - she has already completed it. She is developing into a young woman who can and will make her own decisions about who are friends are. All you can hope to do is influence her.

Unless you can see that this child is a bad influence on your dd and her behaviour is deteriorating, you have to trust her judgement. If you forbid her from visiting this girl just because you don't like the house, you run the risk of losing the chance to influence her if she come across other truly unsavoury potential friends. Your dd will stop respecting you because you don't respect her.

So yes, YABU and you are being a bit precious.